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Mary, Mary, Mary. You are a highly respected ballroom instructor and judge. You’ve coached Hollywood movie stars. There are even a few intrepid souls out there who enjoy your cackling and screaming, though it tends to make my cat run from the room in sheer terror. So, why on earth would you decide to wear that incredibly unflattering get-up: A leopard print bustier, complete with crimped 80's hair and several gaudy necklaces straight out of the bargain bin at Claire’s - did the Pussycat Dolls leave this stuff behind last week? Or did you think having your cleavage shoved up to your chin was a good look for you? Alas, you weren’t the only fashion victim of the evening. Apparently the boobs who botched up the camera work last week were moved to wardrobe. Let’s hope they do us all a favor and just put them on the clean-up crew next week.

One who never looks bad, however, is host Cat. As someone mentioned, the girl could wear a potato sack and still look better than most people. Tonight she’s rocking a little black dress as she introduces our remaining eighteen dancers and their intro dances - and really, the person who put that diaper on poor Kherington needs to be fired. Stat. Cat introduces our judges du jour: Mia, with newly bleached hairdo (nice); Mary, in aforementioned hooker attire; and Nigel, who looks like he found a hell of a sale on self tanner, as his now burnt orange skin clashes nicely with his pink satin shirt.

Word of the night, as coined by Mia: banoodles. This means “insane,” in a good way. Use it in conversation this week, so your friends will think you’re insane!

Anyhoo, on to the dancing. First couple up is Chelsea and Thayne:

Chelsea and Thayne
Jazz, choreographed by Mandy Moore
Untouched by The Veronicas

Both Chelsea and Mandy get irritated with Thayne’s superstitions and his constant knocking of wood during practice. Mandy has come up with a theme of a king and his forbidden love for the dance, which sounds great in theory. In execution, not so much. Not enough footwork and movement for me, which I’ll blame on choreography. And the godawful costumes! Poor Chelsea is stuck with Elizabethan ruffles around her neck, and Thayne has a ruffled shirt that isn’t much better. Mia trashes the routine, trying to kick them off the Hot Tamale train. Hey now, only Mary can kick them off the train. Mary doesn’t kick them off, but sticks them in the caboose, saying the hotness wasn’t there. Nigel rips on the idiotic costumes, saying the ruffles made Chelsea look clownish. Three thumbs down.

Chelsie and Mark
Argentine Tango, choreographed by Alex DaSilva
Mi Confesión by Gotan Project

Hmm. Alex waxes poetic about the smell of Chelsie’s hair, but she squeals “ewww!” when they have to get thisclose for their tango during practice. Either she’s really weirded out about being close to a guy she looks at like a big brother, or Alex needs some breath mints. Just sayin’. Their tango was technically decent, though Chelsie looked at her feet a bit too much. And the costumes were 1000% better than the previous trainwreck. The dance had the sex appeal of a wet dishrag, however. After Cat fixes Chelsie’s shoe (her little toe fell out), Mia gushes over the performance, calling it “fantastical.” Mary throws out words like “phenomenal” and “hot,” and Nigel agrees with me for a change, saying there was not enough sleaze in it for him, making mention of old school dancers doing it with cigarettes hanging from their mouths and glasses of Jack Daniels in their hands. Now, Nigel. This is FOX, but come on.

Jessica and Will
Hip Hop, choreographed by Cicely and Olisa
Whatever U Like by Nicole Scherzinger

Will likes Jessica’s joy and exuberance, and Jessica admires Will’s focus, but wants to bring out his less serious side. They were disappointed after being in the bottom three last week - Jess compared it to a punch in the stomach. This is another one where I wasn’t thrilled by the choreography (or the loose jackets, which distracted from the moves), but Will did well with it as expected, and Jessica did her best to keep up with him. Mia tells Jess that she wasn’t even on the stage for her, telling Will he’s a genius. Mary echoes her, saying Jess was “powderpuffy,” pimping Will up some more. Nigel tries to undo some of the crushing that Jess got from the other judges, telling her she did well for not being a hip hip dancer.

Kourtni and Matt
Foxtrot, choreographed by Jean-Marc Genereux
A Foggy Day (In London Town) by Michael Bublé

Matt’s in total like with Kortni, saying that he gets lost in her eyes and compliments her every chance he gets. Kortni, for her part, eats it up. Except for his tone-deaf singing, which she says she can do without. You’re not the only one, girl. They take the stage in period costumes: Matt in a suit and Kort in a lime green dress that was only slightly more flattering than that awful hairstyle they stuck her with. I know they were going for a certain look, but...bleah. The dance was nice enough, but not very foxtrotty to me. Yes, I can make up words too. Mia loves all over Matt, saying how elegant he was and how he’s stepped it up, but she poops all over Kortni’s parade, telling her she hasn’t owned her size and length yet. Mary lays into them for sloppy footwork, and Nigel digs on Kortni’s size again, telling Matt how strong he is to be able to lift her, then dissing Matt for having soft “twee” arms any other time and telling them both it was a bit fake at times. Yet he liked the performance. Huh?

Courtney and Gev
Contemporary, choreographed by Mandy Moore
Lost by Anouk

Cutie Courtney likes that she can trust Gev to lift her since he’s so strong, but Gev is a bit crushed that Courtney has a boyfriend already. Aww. Gev also isn’t too thrilled with having to wear a “dance belt,” basically a thong for guy to keep all their man bits in place. Many sees the chemistry this couple has together, and it shows in their performance. I thought it was beautifully done, and Cat says she got goosebumps. And, I love love love this song. Mia, however, has apparently had an extra helping of bitchflakes this evening and tells Court that she “jazzified it,” telling her she seemed like the man in the relationship. She loves Gev, however. Mary screeches her approval, sending the audience into a fit of applause. Nigel thinks they’re a beautiful, well-balanced couple, but didn’t believe the emotion. Booing ensues.

Katee and Joshua
Broadway, choreographed by Tyce Diorio
All For The Best by Godspell

Katee thinks Joshua is a caring partner, and he lurves her smile. But not her silly dances she does when she’s bored. Neither dancer has done Broadway before, but Katee says they have their jazz hands ready. Dressed in cute ragamuffin outfits, they give an equally fun, high-energy performance that has the audience clapping along. Joshua also does an awesome midair flip that brings the cheers. Nigel even gets up and does a little dance in celebration, he loved the dance so much - “this guy is a poppa!” he exclaims. Poppa = popper in Nigel-speak. Mary screams her approval yet again, causing me to turn the sound down lest the neighbors complain. Even Mia loved it, telling Joshua he’s a force to be reckoned with, dropping those final four comments again. Gee, way to not show favorites, guys.

Susie and Marquis
Salsa, choreographed by Alex DaSilva
Aguanile by Willie Colón and Hector Lavoe

Marquis tells us that Susie lives on energy drinks, and Susie knocks Marquis for always noshing on some kind of snack. And having icky snack breath. Marquis doesn’t like getting whipped in the face by Susie’s long hair, and I’m not feeling the love between this couple one little bit. Susie’s happy to have a salsa routine so she can do her thing, but choreographer Alex isn’t impressed with Susie’s skills in practice, calling her a street salsa dancer - Susie overhears this and begins bawling. I’m not a card-carrying member of the I Heart Susie fan club, but I expected more from her. Mia agrees, telling Marquis he was jello-like and Susie wasn’t impressive. Mary says it wasn’t working for her either, the turns were labored and there was no chemistry. Nigel thinks it stunk too, technically and emotionally.

Kherington and Twitch
Viennese Waltz by Jean-Marc Genereux
A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion

“Twitchington” seems to have jelled well as partners: she calms him down when he spazzes out, and she has full trust in him as a partner. Kherington jokes about Twitch’s non-glasses he loves to wear - they have no lenses. Their routine is inspired by Jean-Marc’s daughter who is afflicted with Rett Syndrome, which causes a loss of motor skills. Kherington and Twitch want to nail this one in honor of his daughter, and they do. I wouldn’t call it a waltz in any sense of the word, but it was beautiful. Unfortunately, the geniuses in wardrobe put Kherington in a gorgeous white, flowing gown that drowned poor Twitch’s face in fabric when he lifted her. Mia bitches about Kherington’s perma-smile during the routine, bringing out the boobirds in the crowd, until Nigel interrupts her and says that the routine was meant to uplift Jean-Marc’s daughter - hence the smiling. Mary gets all teary-eyed, complimenting Twitch on his lines. Nigel then schools us on how the Viennese Waltz came about (interesting!) and calls the routine everything he could have hoped for.

Comfort and Chris
Krump, choreographed by Lil’ C
Come and Get Me by Timbaland

Comfort loves how Chris is so humble, and he loves her versatility. She’s not so enamored of his sweaty pit stains, though. Lil’ C comes up with another term in practice, “buck.” A quick search of Urban Dictionary tells me this could mean “to prepare to fight” or to “get crazy.” And several other meanings that I can’t put on a PG-13 site. *ahem* Anyway, Comfort is happy to be in her genre - being the “best hip hop female Nigel’s ever seen,” she should kill this one, right? Eh. Krump isn’t my favorite style, but I expected better from her. Chris tried as best he could, I suppose, and I’m sure it was difficult to hit it hard when the stupid handkerchief they tied around his neck kept flying up into his face (damn you, wardrobe!), but this routine failed to impress. Mia liked it, though, telling Chris he worked hard this week and that she was happy with Comfort. Mary thought Comfort could have hit it a little harder, and Nigel tells Chris that “my granny is more gangsta than you!” As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, Nigel mimics a move Chris did, telling him that it looked like a little kid needing to pee. Poor Chris looks mortified.

Annnnd that’s it for tonight, dance fans. Join us Thursday night to see who gets the boot, or just check out Iguanachocolate’s super recap instead!