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Greetings, Bachfans! As you will notice, I’m not Lucy. She will be back next week, so in the meantime, you all will have to put up with me. Generally I recap in the Bravo show world, so when tonight the crew went to the Parker, I was super-happy. I think the house they stayed in was the same one those overgrown frat boys tore up with the ping pong tournament on “Welcome to the Parker.” But I’m getting ahead of myself. Also to give you some measure of assurance that I have a clue, I’ve watched this show—maybe not religiously—most every season, with the exception of Andrew and Dr. Andy. (I swear I have nothing against people named Andrew, but they were dull as dishwater.) But this season has been shaping up to be something of a lark, even if there aren’t enough men crying. I like to see “broken-hearted” guys crying. It’s a sickness, but I don’t want a cure.

Telling all that we’ve already seen.

Tonight, we were first treated to an hour of “DeAnna Tells All.” And if by “tells all” they mean rehashing the same trite lines she’s been uttering all season, then she told all. And no retrospective could be complete without Fleiss whoring out his one success story, so Trista and Ryan made an appearance as well. There were some tidbits on the six remaining bachelors and other “insight” into the process. Here are some of the highlights:

*This has been an exciting journey for DeAnna and America! (Drink, America!)
*DeAnna is a narcissist and likes to hear the guys talk how much they love her.
*DeAnna likes to eat. Her hips don’t lie.
*The whole show is ALL REAL! (And I have a bridge to sell you.)
*DeAnna has a serious ab addiction and its name is Graham.
*DeAnna has blind faith in the casting director to find her husband.
*Lucy is right; boxed wine can be your friend.
*Brad broke DeAnna’s heart! Who knew?!?!
*DeAnna has something against good guys like Richard and Fred.
*This is so not a joke for DeAnna. But it is for me. Muwhahahaha!
*America’s favorite Bachelor family is the ONLY Bachelor family.
*Some people say “retread,” other people say “second chance at love.”
*Trista now has someone age-appropriate to baby-talk to.
*Jesse hasn’t spent more than a couple of weeks in a wheelchair due to injury.
*Twilley has artistic leanings in addition to his outrageous behavior.
*Jason does his own thing, even if his mother thinks he’s insane.
*Sean has a sweet closet in his five-bedroom house, along with a sauna and tanning booth. At least he admits he’s a momma’s boy (but not a metrosexual).
*Ron is a freakin’ hair genius to get the mullet off of Sean.
*Graham’s facial hair is a perpetual audition for ABC’s now-defunct series, “Cavemen.”
*The half-dozen real estate lawyers in my office will dispute Jeremy’s contention that it is a lonely profession.
*DeAnna claims to not have a favorite, aside from Graham’s abs.
*That hair swoop across DeAnna’s left eyebrow is driving me nuts.
*Chris says that it has been a terrific journey so far. Drink again!

Let’s get it on.

Now, with that out of the way, let’s get down to business and see if anyone will cry this week. We join the new action with the guys hanging about in the bunkhouse when in walks Chris Harrison. He, in his perfect radio voice, tells the guys that there are no more rose elimination dates and they all need to pack their bags because…drum roll…they are going to Palm Springs! To a resort! To spend time with DeAnna! Sean and Twilley are both excited at the possibility of getting one-on-one time with DeAnna in Palm Springs. They haven’t had that much alone time with her. Oh, yeah, Sean wants to see Palm Springs too, since he’s never been down there either.

Anyway, they all get to Palm Springs and stay at one of the houses on the grounds of the Parker, as mentioned above. Jesse comments that the house is the most amazing (drink!) massive house he’s ever seen. Jesse claims that he’d be intimidated to take DeAnna to just a movie or something since she knows how to roll big-time. Wow, sign Jesse up for an Emmy nom; that was almost a convincing line reading. As if this bumpkin would even have a clue where Palm Springs was before she got on the show.

The guys settle into their producer-rented digs and the first date box arrives. It’s for Sean and says that he and DeAnna will “take their relationships to new heights.” At this point, I’m pretty sure whoever is writing these lame date cards also writes TyraMail as well. Let’s just hope Sean isn’t hanging off of wires and having to smile with his eyes for the camera. Sean jumps in the shower to get ready for the date. He says that off and running like a Kentucky race horse. Someone tell the camera man to pan lower so I can be the judge of that. Heh, heh.

Heaving on the way to new heights.

Sean and DeAnna head out on their date; to get to the mountain-top restaurant, the couple takes a steep, steep gondola ride up a mountain. DeAnna is not happy and screams in fear like New York faced down with a parrot. Well, I can’t say I’d enjoy it either because I hate mountains. Sean makes it through the ride and tries to be the chivalrous man protecting his woman. DeAnna mentions that if the dinner goes well, she’s going to take him back to her suite for dessert. The unspoken corollary is, of course, if it doesn’t go well, she’s going to chuck him off the side of the mountains as a sacrifice to the gods of love.

He does okay through the ride but then he gets a case of verbal diarrhea at dinner. They’re sitting there, eating massively over-charred filet mignons and he starts going on and on about how he was playing it cool because of some advice about walking around with a loaded gun. He was not going to “put himself out there” because of said loaded gun but then, he thought, he needs to take a chance so now he’s out there with the loaded gun. I don’t know if this is some kind of gun-toting lunatic spiel or if it’s clumsy sexual innuendo. Or maybe Sean a few rounds short of a full clip.

DeAnna likes all the gun talk and they go inside for some chocolate dessert. Since the next date cycle is the hometown dates, DeAnna asks Sean what his family is like. He says that his family has a lot of things in common with DeAnna’s—family values, and whatnot. Given the lack of substantive conversation, I’m not sure what either family actually values aside from walking around with loaded guns. Sean then commits what I call early as a fatal mistake: he says he bought a house one street over from his parents because he is so close with his family. Every woman watching this immediately thought “Momma’s boy” and conjures up thoughts of the dreaded drop in by the mother in law. I hope he gets a rose because that home town date could be on par with that guy from Meredith’s season—Lanny, was it? Still, though, things go pretty well for the pair. They end the date snuggling on a hammock, kissing a bit, and DeAnna concludes that if she had to give out a rose on this date, Sean would have gotten one.

Do helicopters come with air sickness bags?

While DeAnna and Sean were out on their one-on-one date, a date box arrived for the group date. Twilley was disappointed he was included; he wanted the last single date, but that went to Jeremy. So on the next day, Jesse, Jason, Graham and Twilley await DeAnna’s arrival at the rented house. In comes a helicopter, and Jesse is over the moon at the prospect of riding in it. He’ll have to wait, because Twilley gets his wish for some alone time with DeAnna. After some trouble, he gets the door open and in they go. This alone time is not what Twilley had in mind, however. The poor guy gets motion sickness and is green around the gills as soon as they take off. They sit awkwardly as DeAnna frets that she’ll get puked on. They finally arrive to their location—the middle of the desert—and again Twilley struggles with the door. It is so not his day.

So what are they doing there in the desert? Well, what I’m sure I do every weekend: go four-wheeling! Gag me with a southern-fried spoon. Seriously, not everyone south of the Mason Dixon line has such pedestrian tastes. Not only does this show carry a misogynist vibe but it also reduces southerners to a stereotype. They all don big ole helmets and get on the ATVs. DeAnna takes off like a bat out of hell and the only one who can keep up with her is Jesse. He pops wheelies and flies off the back but keeps going. DeAnna says his antics have really made him look hot to her. I think he looks like a death-wishing freak with Breckin Meyer’s hair from “Clueless.” Potato, potahto, I suppose.

Twilley lags behind the group in his own world and Jason plays it safe. He’s got a kid to provide for; sometimes caution is the better part of valor. Soon enough, they’ve had enough of the hot desert sun and head back to the Parker for a pool party. Meanwhile, the last date box arrives for Jeremy. Jeremy and Sean are sitting around the house shirtless. Why shirtless, I ask? Is there something else going on that has escaped the camera’s view? They are inside, for crissake! Anyway, the note says something about stepping back in time with Ole Blue Eyes.

Back at the pool party, there’s plenty of shirtless shots of the guys in the pool, general horsing around, and diving to impress DeAnna. She now thinks it’s time to talk about serious things, so she pulls Jason aside to talk about what it would be like if she visited his hometown. He makes some comment about finding out if Seattle is a romantic city and says that she’ll meet his parents and his kid. He goes on, in the usual scripted way, about how he’s like his mother because she taught him how to love. Where is that barf bag when I need it? He assures her that she’d love Ty and Ty would love her and they would just play and hang out.

DeAnna seems content sitting with him, but then Jesse comes in and steals her away. Jason is somewhat surprised that Jesse is being “that guy” but DeAnna is so hot for Jesse after those four wheelin’ moves, she can barely contain her excitement. She just wants Jesse to kiss her, but she is denied. He talks and talks about his feelings for her and how he wants her to be happy even if that means not choosing him and blah blah blah. You all saw last week’s one-on-one date with him…more of the same.

Saving me from this torture is Graham who comes in for the second steal of the pool party. He gets DeAnna in the hammock and they snuggle up. Jason and Twilley talk about Graham’s connection with DeAnna; well, mostly Jason points out that DeAnna is all hot and horny for Graham’s abs and no one else has abs of quite that much steel. Twilley kind of “whatevers” the comments, but you can tell he knows Jason speaks the truth. Back in the hammock, Graham says that if DeAnna met his family, they’d probably warn her off of him but they would get along. The scene ends in a whole lot of kissing in the hammock and DeAnna as giddy as a school girl. The day comes to an end without special time with Twilley.

Ole Blue Eye rolls over in his grave, asks for earplugs: Film at Eleven!

After the long day of riding in the desert and swimming in the pool, DeAnna and Jeremy go on their one-on-one date. She picks him up and they take off in a vintage convertible. She drives to what used to be Frank Sinatra’s house back when he was with Ava Gardner. Jeremy tells us that there is a definite physical chemistry between DeAnna and him but he wants to see if there’s something more. At the house, DeAnna, obviously prepped by a PA, shows off Sinatra’s vintage recording equipment. Then they take to seeing “The Way You Look Tonight” to music that I don’t think is right. I didn’t think the bad singing of that song was cute in “My Best Friend’s Wedding” and I don’t think it’s cute here. Yet again, it is time for a barf bag. At least Jeremy is cognizant of his horrible singing skills and apologizes to appease the ghost of Frank, and they head out to the patio to dance by the pool.

Back at the Parker, the guys are sitting around wondering about the one-on-one date. Twilley has concluded that Jeremy is some kind of mutant—but a good mutant. I think he’s a bad mutant, but I don’t like cocky young lawyer boys. I get enough of that every day at work, especially since it is clerk season. Twilley then corrects himself and says that Jeremy is plugged into the Matrix; there’s something odd with him since he can just “download” how to line dance and whatnot. Twilley is an odd duck, but he has a point.

DeAnna and Jeremy are still on their date; he tells her that she’s not perfect but she’s perfect for him. Who the hell writes this crap? It’s like a sad Harlequin Romance! Even DeAnna and Jeremy realize the absurdity of the line, as they giggle together as if to say, “I can’t believe we’re actually getting away with this performance!” Then, in true Bachelor(ette) style, they end their date by getting into the pool. There’s kissing and stroking and Jeremy saying, “I can’t stop.” One more second, and it would have been bow-chicka-bow-bow time. By the end of the date, DeAnna says Jeremy is the perfect guy and she can really see her self with him. Yeah, De…it’s called a monitor.

Newsflash: DeAnna was led on by Brad! Who knew!

Finally it is time for the rose ceremony. The gang is back in LA for this paring down to four. The guys head into the house to face their fates but DeAnna is nowhere to be found. Where is the young mistress of the roses? Well, she’s staring at her wall of pictures, as if to remember who is who. After so many glasses of wine and so many hours just staring at abs, it’s hard to tell a few of these guys apart. She is taking this all “very seriously” because she knows what it is like to be rejected, as she was cast aside by that brute Brad, suffered because his capricious ways, and was lulled into a false sense of security as he led her on. Kind of like what she did to Fred last week, but whatevs.

DeAnna doesn’t want to play that way anymore and knows who she is going to cut. She doesn’t want to go through the whole formality of a cocktail party and prolong the inevitable. Given this season’s interminably long episodes, I’d just as soon as cut the cocktail party as well. Chris goes in to tell the guys that they are going for the roses. DeAnna enters and once again tells them that she had a good time and she doesn’t want to lead anyone on…like she was. Pity party, table for one, please!

The roses go to Jeremy, Jason, Graham’s abs, and Jesse. Sean, who thought he had this whole thing in the bag, looked a bit disappointed but Twilley saw it coming for at least two episodes. Sean thought she was the kind of woman he could marry but he realizes he got in the game a bit late. He thanks her and leaves. Twilley wishes DeAnna well; in his exit interview, he realizes he can be a bit much with his zany ways and he hopes he can find someone who is into his unique personality.

The final four and DeAnna toast to the hometown dates. Lucy will be back next week to regale you with tales of family visits and what seems to be at least one teary, shrill shout-fest. Good times!