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What is better than having one
well paiddedicated contributor with a hunger for moneythe truth? Why, having two of course! While Mike Spelling remains our number one paid spyfriend, by a stroke of incredible luck we have managed to pay forsecure the servicescooperation of Fleiss' errand boyanother valuable insider who at present shall remain nameless. It's not that we didn't trust Mikey to deliver the goods but we felt that in order to better serve all your filthy gossipneeds we had to procure a second opinion. Things were just getting too good to be true. We were quite surpriseddelighted to learn that all the information thus far relayed to us by Mike Spelling has been completely accurate and trustworthy.
Joe Gardner – Fleiss’s Personal Assistant
Wow! What a week! After that stock car racing date, I cleaned up more vomit than you’d find in the bushes at a frat party. Those sissy boys were so scared to drive the cars that most of them threw up inside of their helmets or inside of the cars. Guess who was on puke patrol? Then, after Princess DeAnna threw her little tantrum at the BBQ party (over which Fleiss was salivating, by the way) I had to run to the store to get her some Midol and “other things”. I was also in charge of
forcinghelping the guys show their true emotions in their private interviews. Those tears Robert cried? All me. I told him that his shrimp cocktail wasn’t really that good. That really got the waterworks going! Oh and another fun job I had this week was “official lint roller guy for Jesse’s suit”. Apparently he sheds hair a lot from that mop of his. This week it was puke patrol and PMS patrol, I can’t wait to see what next week brings!
Helga Van Buren – The Hair Containment Specialist
So I must say that I’m a little bit embarrassed and confused this week. I got a little note from the show’s lawyers with some nonsense about how the guys on the show feel like I’m “spending too much time in certain areas” and that I’m “uncomfortable to be around”. What is that crap? I didn’t realize that giving Twilley a little smack on the bottom after his defuzzing was finished could be considered inappropriate? I’m just being friendly! Then, I was talking with DeAnna about my uncontrollable upper lip growth and all of a sudden she freaked out on me and told me that she knows how it feels and I’m not good enough for her and that I’m not here for the right reasons, yada yada yada. Hmm, last time I checked, I was definitely on set for the right reasons… to pluck girlfriend’s unibrow!
Trudy Cox - Cocktail waitress and aspiring actress
I have no earthly idea what is wrong with that DeAnna. Letting Brian, that hunka hunka burning love go is just a shame. See, honey, Southern girls like me can tell the difference in a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and trailer trash. He was mighty fine looking good ol’ boy, that’s for darned sure. And smart too. When I said “gimme some sugar,” he knew what I meant. Not like that goody two shoes, Jason, who passed me the sugar jar. Another thing I’m sure of is that girl can not handle her alcohol. I worked that big outhouse shindig and after three of my Bamatinis, shaken not stirred with a splash of cranberry, she threw herself a good hissie fit. Honey, she was all over those boys like white on rice. I suspect she was directing all of that hollering at Graham though. There’s something going on between those two, you know? If you ask me, that girl is livin’ above her raisin wanting those boys to fall at her feet. Shoot, every good dog should have a few fleas. I suspect she’s gonna mess around and let all the good ones go. What a damn shame!
Jarvis Jenkins - Chauffeur
That blasted Mr.Fleiss! I was supposed to have the night off but when he called me to go pick him up and drive him over to talk to DeAnna on her date with those two fellas, I knew something fishy was going on. I sat right there in Big Bertha and saw DeAnna say good-bye to the tall one and put him in the other limo. When she turned to go back to her date, Mr. Fleiss hopped right out and told her to cut that nice little Chicago boy loose too. She didn’t want to do it that way but Mr. Fleiss? He calls all the shots. After she broke that nice fella’s heart, we gave her a ride back to the mansion and she argued with the bossman all the way back about his change of plan. It’s all about the TV ratings and the sooner DeAnna learns that, the better. Mr. Fleiss doesn’t give a rat’s behind if she finds her true love or not.
Stacie Field - Wardrobe Girl
Back when I was in design school, we used to pass the time playing beer pong and I developed quite the knack for winning. So this week, after DeAnna had her Oscar-worthy breakdown (sans detectible tears), I wondered down to the “outhouse” and ended up playing a few rounds with the boys. Sure, I was supposed to be there to measure the guys for their rose ceremony suits, but with
DoDoDeDe gone, it was all fun and games. Harrison rolled in and, before you know it, he and Sean were trying to beat me but failed. They got good and wasted, so I made one final bet: if I won the shot, they’d wear whatever I told them to for the rose ceremony. And that, my friends, is why Sean wore the ugliest broad-vertical striped grey suit known to man. You should have heard the other crew laughing at him! I had a caftan and a turban prepped for Harrison, but Fleiss sent his lackey, Joe, to put the kibosh on that, so I had to settle for a tie that looked like puke on toast. And please, beg my pardon for Graham’s chauffeur get-up. I was distracted by the abs while dressing him. One final note before I go back to wardrobe—I need to get an Emmy for getting Jesse into a proper suit and turning Harrison’s caftan into that dress for DeAnna. Success, at last: those hips were finally contained and no Spanx necessary!
Geoff Jefferson- Lead Hair Stylist and Lotion Boy
Wow, what a week we had. Fleiss sent his errand boy to tell me that I needed to get the men ready for their group date. How come every time I have a men’s group date it ends with the police and me spending some time in jail? I took extra time on each of their heads, stroking and giving them the complete look that any
manwoman would desire. You can only imagine my horror when they had to cram their heads into tiny helmets once they arrived. That was the ultimate blow. I stormed into Fleiss’s office and turned in my walking papers, but he told me if I stayed I could style Deanna’s hair any way I choose for the rest of the season. Ahh, sweet revenge for what she has done to all those nice, yummy, boys. Shortly after, Fleiss again sent his errand boy to instruct Trey and I to get down to the Outhouse to do some impromptu dos on the men for their little party. Trey spent time working the men’s heads and I spent time lathering suntan lotion on their bodies. I did a very thorough job on Graham, that boy has got abs that would make any man drool. I tried to get him to remove his pants so I could make sure he was protected in all areas, but he seemed uncomfortable and made some excuse about something suddenly coming up. I will now just have the memories of my hands rubbing his body all over and spending extra attention on those tight abs…um, I’m out something suddenly came up.
Trey Pendleton - Hair Stylist Extraordinaire and Closet Inspector
I am so laughing right now. The faux hawk I convinced Fred to work, really worked! For me that is. Deanna kept going on about what a nice guy he is, and she's right, he is a nice guy. He's nice here. And here. And especially here (insert girly boy giggle) I was so happy when he was rejected by Deanna. Guess who was waiting in his hotel room to console him? Yes, you guessed it, me. He opened the closet door to hang his suit and out I came right into his arms. It's been heaven, I tell you. Shhh, though. We have to keep it on the down low just in case he wants to go back into law. But first, well, as soon as this show is over, we'll be on our way to San Tropez. Oooh, I am all a tingle about the mandatory nude beaches! Take that Deanna!
Dirk Mangood - Camera Operator
I am so stoked right now! My plan worked perfectly. You know who whispered in Robert's ear and put doubts into that swollen head of his? Me. It was brilliant! Of course I didn't let on that I made it all up - I told him that I over heard it. Which I did - as I in the mirror to get just the right tone and expression. Oh, I am so good. Then, when I was filming that stupid 2 on 1 date, I 'suggested' to Deanna that she didn't have to give either one of them the rose. Oh, Fleiss' little errand boy was mad that I did that, but Fleiss LOVED it. And so did I. So long suckers! Just 6 to go.....
Twyla Saks - Makeup Girl
Were you wondering about DeAnna's ashen complexion and blotchy skin lately? Well, I'm going easy on the foundation and I've decided that a $25 tube of concealer is too good for the likes of her, so it's Wet 'n Wild from now on and in the wrong shade too. So I'm up in the Outhouse touching up the boys and showing off this nice red dress that would send poor old Sister Mathilda from the convent into a dead faint, when in comes Miss Me-Me-Me whining and squealing and bawling her eyes out like some demented miniature poodle wound up on cheap crack, only there's nothing miniature about that fat ass of hers, throwing a big time hissy fit over nothing and ruining my fun time with the boys. Fleiss was rolling his eyes - and the cameras, heh - because she was laying it on too thick when all it said in the script was "Bachelorette exhibits some anxiety". If you ask me, she's won't be winning an Emmy after this season. Or any other season. To add insult to injury she dumped Brian Texas too, just when I finally got Jarvis to lend me Big Bertha for our extracurricular activities. I've been hinting to Chris to take a ride with me but so far nothing. Maybe I should wear shorter skirts... Gotta go. I think I see that yummy Graham walking by. Maybe I can give him a test drive.
Josie Sterling - Cook
*sniff* *chug* *swig* My poor, poor Freddy. What am I going to do without him to chop up my onions? I was so happy to hear that Deanna got rid of that smarmy Robert who was always trying to show me up. Chef? Ha! You people may have thought he was pouting because someone whispered in his ear that Deanna had already chosen her final three. *chug* Well, no. That was all Fleissian editing. Really, Robert got upset because the other boys told him they prefer my cooking. *swig* When I took a deep breath after chortling over Robert's departure, that's when that little assistant guy broke the most shocking news to me. Deanna axed Fred too. Why? Why? *chug* He's such a good boy. Little Ms. Greek Statute better watch her back. And her lasagna. It's never a good idea to upset the person who prepares your food. *swig*
Disclaimer: While we almost trust Mike Spelling, we are quite pragmatic and think that it's possible we've been thoroughly had. We take no responsibility for the contents of any of his letters or the information he provided.
Thanks to our fabulous FORT mods and writers: AshleyPSU, iguanachocolate, lildago, Mariner, MsFroggy, PhoneGrrrl and Yardgnome.