(Registered members may comment here.)

Hola, dear readers! Here we are gathered again to watch our favorite Moletestant’s fumble and bumble their way to a potential half million dollars. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, does it have that effect on you? Last week we saw the premiere of this year’s Mole which had jumpers, whiner’s and scavenger’s Oh my! We bid adiós to Marcie as she fell victim to the Mole. Unfortunately, it was not a real execution, but don’t let that discourage you from watching. After all, I have been writing letters all week and maybe they will take me up on my most excellent suggestion.

This week finds our Moltestants in Santiago, Chile with a paltry $35,000 in the pot. Poor Paul has lost his coalition partner – how will he survive? Bleh. I don’t care. Sheesh, man, buck up. You knew her for what, two, three days max? Find a new coalition partner. One that won’t be executed. Craig is just happy he’s already kicked out nearly all three of his goals for the show: he hasn’t soiled himself, he wasn’t the first one executed and he thinks he hasn’t embarrassed his family. Well, not too much, anyway. Nicole has returned from her sojourn on the beach all refreshed and now sporting a new kinder, gentler attitude. They assemble in front of Jon and he tells them to split themselves into two groups, one with nine players and the other with two players. Kristen and Mark make up the two and are told they are the “Life is an Uphill Battle” team. The other nine make up the “Goal Oriented” team.

Mission One: Try Not to Suck Too Much. (no, really, try, please)

It’s simple, really: to prevent $35,000 from being taken from the pot the Goal Oriented Team must score a goal against a Chilean soccer team. That would be ONE goal. Uno Goal. And they must do this before the Uphill Battle team rides their tandem bike all the way to the top of Cerro San Cristobal known for its amazing views and a gigantic statue of the Virgin Mary. Once the Goal Oriented team scores their goal, they may take a 10 minute gondola ride to the top of the hill. Mark and Kristen hop on their bike and begin the trek up the hill and immediately have equipment issues. For some reason the chain just would not stay on their bike. Finally, they decide to walk and push the bike.

Meanwhile, the Goal Oriented group arrives at the local soccer stadium and already Bobby and Alex are declaring the prowess at soccer. If I have this correct, Bobby declares he is good at soccer and has even spent time on a traveling soccer team. Not to be outdone, Alex chimes in that he is really good as well. They meet their opposing team which consists of 8 or 9 year olds and are convinced they have it in the bag. Easy, right? You’d think so, but alas, no. These little kids are out for blood and the Goal Oriented team, to put it nicely, suck. Even soccer superstars Bobby and Alex are unable to score against them, while the kids rack up the points like nobody’s business. Then, tragedy – Bobby can’t go on. It seems he has played his little heart out (for what, 10 minutes?) and now he has nothing left to give. Err. Yeah. Don’t soccer matches last a long time? Aren’t soccer players generally pretty fit? And yet, the fluffy Liz and beartastic Craig can outlast him? Is this guy for real? I’m about twice his age and a severe asthmatic and I could outlast his butt on that field. Heck, my ninety year old grandmother could outlast his butt on that field. And run faster as well. With her walker. But hey! Craig scores! Yeah Craig! Unfortunately, he scores for the other team, but it’s the thought that counts. Finally the longest twenty minutes in soccer history is up and the score is kids 14 – Molster’s nada. They have to go to penalty kicks. I may have blacked out, because all I remember is that Ali scores and they get their gondola tickets and are on their merry way.

But what of our intrepid bicyclists? They are still powering up the hill when they come upon Jon sitting calm and cool and enjoying a refreshing beverage. He invites them to sit down and join them and by they way, they can take a taxi the rest of the way if they want. But it will cost them $5,000 from the pot. They must be stronger willed than I, because they refuse and continue making their way up to the top. Mucho stupido, I say!

And, let’s see, are our Goal Oriented team happily making their way to the gondola’s and up the hill to victory? Sadly, no. The dimwits are squabbling and getting themselves lost. Hey guys, that piece of paper they gave you with the squiggles and lines on it? It’s a new fangled invention called a ‘map’. Use it. Part of the team make it to the gondolas and begin their journey uphill whilst the rest are wondering around barefoot and fancy free. Finally, the entire team arrives at the summit with no sign of the bike riders. They are jubilant for about a 90 second commercial break and then that wily Jon brings out the Uphill Battle team who have indeed beat them up the hill and earn themselves exemptions in the process.

Ooooh, some people are mad! Fingers point, names are called and generally everyone is pissed off. Good times, I tell you. The comradery they enjoy! Priceless.

Mission Two: When Bacon Flies

The next morning they all head for Pomaire, Chile where the Jon is waiting to tell them their next mission. One of the town’s pig potter’s has been robbed by the Mole! But the ever crafty rodent has left a ransom note:

“I have your stinking pigs. I have hidden them throughout the town. The day you get your pigs back will be the day pigs fly! – El Topo”

The group must divide into three group of three and one group of two. Liz and Paul are the group of two and they will stay back while the other groups search the town for 50 clay pigs. The pigs will be brought back and then launched via a giant sling shot into field where Liz and Paul will be waiting to catch them in a giant blanket. Yupper, pigs in a blanket. Each pig brought back and safely caught will net the pot $1000. There is a potential $50,000 for the pot and somewhere there is another exemption up for grabs. Off they go!

And, down he goes! Bobby, the soccer athlete, can’t walk more than two steps before he collapses in agony complaining about his lack of strength and his sore muscles from the minute and a half of soccer he played the day before. Is this guy for real? Kristen and Craig decide for Kristen to push Bobby about the town in the wheelbarrow provided for pig collecting. By the time they reach town, the other teams have made quick work of pig picking do to Alex’s superior Spanish skills and blind luck. Because they have only about an hour to finish this and get the pigs shot into the field, Alex’s team decide to head back after collecting a barrow full of pigs. Gracious Bobby and team volunteer to take the pigs back while the other teams keep looking for them. Mean old Alex says no to that and heads back with his team and his pigs. The other team collected pigs as well and head back. Bobby’s team collected nothing, so they of course decide to head back. While they were gone, Paul decides to break a pig to see what the rattling noise was, lo and behold, he has the exemption! Liz wished she had thought to do that.

With time running out, they begin to launch the pigs into the air. Well, Alex begins to launch them somewhere, anywhere, leaving Liz and Paul to chase pig after broken pig. But never fear, Craig is here! All his time at summer camp pays off as he soon has the three person slingshot working like a charm and pig after pig end up in the blanket. Nerds rule! When all is said and done, they net the pot $28,000, bring it to a 4 mission total of $63,000. And Bobby’s contribution to all of this? Absolutely nothing.

This revelation spills over into the time at the hotel where Paul rags on Bobby, Victoria sticks up for him and everyone else just grumbles behind closed doors. Well, except Alex who mistakenly leaves his journal out for Bobby to find. Ooops! Or is it? Seems like Alex is not as dumb as Bobby would believe. Turns out Alex left it out on purpose to throw others off their game. Ooooh, sneaky!

Quiz time:

1. Is the Mole male or female?
2. In Race to the Summit, how did the Mole arrive at the top?
3. Did the Mole earn an exemption in Race to the Summit?
4. Which group did the Mole join in Race to the Summit?
5. Did the Mole grab a wheelbarrow at the start of the When Pigs Fly mission?
6. How many pigs did the Mole’s team find?
7. Which job did the Mole do after returning from Pomaire?
8. Did the Mole wear protective headgear during the Pig’s Fly mission?
9. Was the Mole transported in a wheelbarrow for the majority of the time in the mission?
10. Who is the Mole?

They assemble on the plaza outside the hotel to learn their fate. If the screen turns green after their name is read, they are safe. If the screen turns red, they are executed and must immediately leave the game. Jon reads off Clay, Alex, Victoria and Bobby as safe. The next name he reveals is Liz and unfortunately, her screen turns red and she is executed. She had a great time, wouldn’t trade it for a million dollars – well, maybe a million.

At the end, though, it seems it wasn’t just Liz’s life that was in danger: Dr. Nicole threatens Paul after he makes some unkind comments. So much for that kinder, gentler, let’s abide by the Hippocratic oath, Nicole! Not that I blame her.

Stay tuned for next week when the show goes nekkid! Oh my! And don’t forget to read LG’s most excellent Molnalysis for this week.

Pm me if you know if clay pigs are kosher.....