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Dare we congratulate ourselves on such terrific scoopage or is it best to not tempt the mighty
gossipGods? We think our financial arrangementassociation with Mike Spelling has born fruit incredibly well. Mike pays offcultivates his contact in L.A. while we pump in the cashsupply him with encouragement and a venue for his super special rag mag style insider dirtjournalistic achievement. Already we've fielded offers from several low-rent tabloidsrespectable news outlets who have approached us for syndication rights regarding these fantastic insider observations. At present we're holding out for The New York Timesnot interested in such offers but if we run out of cashfind the right time and publication...
Jarvis Jenkins - Chauffeur
That blasted bossman! I’m a chauffeur. In all of my time working here, I’ve never been asked to drive anything else. Ever since that Womack character made a fool of Mr. Fleiss and a mockery of the show, we been forced to cut corners so I had to drive the carriage. That snooty bachelorette could have ridden in the limo as usual. But noooo. She has to have her fairy tale. If I didn’t need this money, I’d tell Mr. Fleiss where to stick that Cinderelly carriage. Sitting behind those smelly beasts all night while little Miss High and Mighty Pappas looks for the nerve to dump the geeky fella! Shoot, all those tears and carrying on was just for the cameras. As soon as she dumped ole boy like a hot potato, she was on the phone whispering sweet nothin's to some broad named Ethel..…Edna..…Edith…..no,no, it was Ellen. That’s it…..Ellen! Now old Jarvis here ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed but I know when woman is having those feelings and believe you me, that little tart Mr. Fleiss is banking on to help pull his show out of the crapper, well…..let’s just say that from the sounds of things, Ellen will be getting the final rose.
Trudy Cox - Cocktail waitress and aspiring actress
Honey, I’ve never in all my days of serving drinks seen anyone put away as much as these boys do. Not even back when I was waiting tables at Cooter’s and the longnecks were 2 for 1 and the good old boys came in by the truckload. I don’t mind though. I like my men a little sloshed so it’s easier to get what I want. And the tips are better when they’re liquored up too. I let Jesse tuck his tip into the left cup of my new lacy black brassiere that I found on the Wal-Mart clearance rack for half-price back in Montgomery. He must have told the others about it because they all started ordering drinks like crazy and tipping out the wazzoo. Before too long, both cups were full as ticks on a pair of coon hounds so I let Ron walk me behind the bar to unload. My brassiere wasn’t the only thing that he unloaded back there. For just a second, I think little Ronnie…..and I do mean little if you get my drift..…even smiled. What a disappointment he turned out to be! I asked him if he knew anybody that could help me get my big break and he was so wasted that he thought I meant a coffee break. Hee, hee! At least one head is a little thick.
Geoff Jefferson- Lead Hair Stylist & Self Appointed Consoler of Rejects
Well thank the lord Sean finally caved and allowed me to work my fingers into his thick mane. I decided to get rid of the party and keep the business in full, bouffant force. I stroked my fingers over it to keep it big and full, just like I like it. It was glorious! DeAnna even commented on his great new do. After working over Sean’s head I was feeling mighty good when the producers told me I would need to quickly get DeAnna and Jason ready for a special date. After hours of work on them, a helicopter arrives and their heads looked like something that Trey would have styled on a good day. DeAnna did nothing to protect what I had done and Jason at least took the time to use some protection on his head. I sobbed for a good 5 hours over this travesty. My reward came when I saw DeAnna in her evening gown. Girl has got back! I wonder if she owns a pair of Spanxs™ and realizes what they can do for a
manwoman in a tight dress? At the end of the Rose Ceremony I stood at my usually place in the parking lot by the limo for the losers. When Ron made his exit I knew he was a little upset at what happened. I made my move and comforted him. We talked intimately for a few moments and he seemed responsive to my advances. I slipped him my phone number and hopefully he uses it, after all, we both understand how to properly work a man's head.
Stacie Field - Wardrobe Girl
Some days I think this is the best low-paying job I’ve ever had—screw you, Mickey D’s! Sure, I’d rather be sketching my own designs, but putting these hot guys and this dumb Julia Roberts-wannabe in clothes gives me a perverse thrill that is unquantifiable by monetary means. For instance, I knew that
Bill NyeRichard was going home because when he was sent to me for wardrobe approval, he was wearing jeans straight out of 2001. I tried dressing him up with a dapper blazer but that couldn’t help the remedial jeans. But the most fun I’ve had so far came in tandem with the Ellen visit. You think those boys ended up with perfectly fitting boxers by chance? Hell, no! I took special delivery on all those “packages” to insure all assets were front, center, and ready for action should the camera man zoom in on anyone in particular. I don’t think Dirk liked capturing those moments since his lense wasn't focused on DeAnna. Actually, Dirk is a pretty hot number himself. I think I have a left-over pair of boxers that he might enjoy (or, rather, that I might enjoy him wearing). Aside from my cowboy fantasy being played out in 3-D, the highlight of this round was putting DeAnna in that faux wedding dress for the rose ceremony. Chicken cutlets at the top, full boo-tay at the bottom. The girl has birthin’ hips, if I’ve ever seen them. There’s chatter afoot that Geoff is going to clue her in on Spanx. I need to get on top of that situation post-haste, and tell her that wearing them kill her or something.
Joe Gardner – Fleiss’s Personal Assistant
Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through the hell of being the Fleissinator’s personal assistant. I can’t decide whose coffee I’d rather put a laxative in more: Fleiss or DeAnna. DeAnna whined and whined that we needed to up the romance factor on the dates because she has been through this process before, blah blah blah. Guess what? It took me months to score that sweet carriage ride through LA and what does she do? Kick the dude to the curb, that’s what! And then when she said that SHE arranged the dinner in the observatory? I think by “arrange” she really meant “yell at Joe to take care of it”. In other news, creeper Ron stalked me all week asking me if I was trying to hog all of the time with DeAnna. He heard that I made a film or two in college and asked if I’d be able to use my equipment to secretly videotape DeAnna so he would never have to be away from her. I’m not that hard up for work… yet. Oh yeah, Ellen’s assistant, if you are reading this, call me.
Helga Van Buren – The Hair Containment Specialist
If I ever decide to write a book, I think I could write an entire chapter on the crazy requests men have when it comes to body hair. Twilley wanted me to wax a “T” shape on his back. Ron wanted “DeAnna” shaved into his… well, I won’t go there. The guys went to visit Ellen this week, and even though they had no knowledge of the visit, they knew there was something major happening because I doubled their waxing sessions. I knew they’d be showing their hairy trunks to the world. Did you see how smooth and creamy their thighs were? Mmm. Graham was a crabby pants this week and wouldn’t let me touch his face. He was mumbling something about not liking the fact that my hands “accidentally” grope his chest whenever he’s around me. Whoops. These American boys are so uptight!
Trey Pendleton - Hair Stylist Extraordinaire and Conversion Specialist
Oh, girl, I am so pissed! That Geoff got his hands on Ron before I could even give him my patented club look. Though I did have a good laugh over the state of Deanna's hair during the Observatory date. To be honest, though, I think the helicopter helped her look. Geoff doesn't have nearly the magic fingers he thinks he has. And I didn't learn that fact just by looking at his hairstyles. I can't believe I got stuck with the cowboy date! Do you have any idea how hard it is to make someone's hair look good after a Stetson? I overheard Geoff telling Deanna about Spanx. Girlfriend had better take care of his ownself before he starts doling out the advice, if you get my drift...
Dirk Mangood - Camera Operator, Ex-Stalker
I can't believe I got stuck doing the filming on the stupid group date. All that bull riding made me sick behind my lens. For some reason, the producer's wanted me to stay far away from Deanna and concentrate on getting the guys on film. What a waste. I was able to give Ron some tips on how to get a woman to notice him. Why they didn't work on Deanna, I don't know. Must be something wrong with him. Or something right with me and she is waiting to give me the final rose. I'm done talking now. I'm going to go scout out a new location for a unique personal viewpoint on Deanna. One the producer's won't find out about.
Josie Sterling - Cook
When I first took this gig, I thought it would be a blast. I mean, who wouldn't like cooking for oodles of hungry young men? What I failed to factor in was just how boring some of their palates are. They keep demanding that Fred and I make our special nachos so they can eat infinite amounts of them while they while away the hours they are penned up in the outhouse playing pool. I keep trying to tell the boys that a little goose pate would be much more sublime. But no. They just want nachos. And chicken wings. At least I got to show off my pastry chef skills with that star cake I made for Deanna and Jason's one on one date. I'm not sure that Deanna appreciated the little guns that I placed on each arm of the star. It's not my fault she can't tell space junk from a star. I wonder if I can convince Fleiss that the reason I need another case of sherry is because it's the secret ingredient in my nachos? Lord knows I will take a butcher knife to one of these louts if I don't have my little nips of wine.
Twyla Saks, Makeup Girl
You wouldn't believe the amount of makeup it takes to make these people look decent! Take Jeremy for example. Aside from the horrifying eyebrow situation he's got going - and I know Helga has been begging him to let her tame that creepy jungle without much success - there's some stuff there that only a copious amount of Super Pancake can cure. If only he were cute, but ick! He was ogling my C cups and even pinched my butt right as I was slathering on the concealer to hide the dark Mariana trenches he's got under those beady eyes of his. I told him to keep his grubby hands to himself. Pffft! I'd rather Brian Texas do that stuff, and well, he has been, but I'm getting mighty tired of entertaining him in that broom closet. Just not enough room for any fancy maneuvers in there. That bitch DeAnna, whatever her name is, never looks at the poor guy which is fine by me. Instead she's been trying to snag that smarmy Jeremy or the single father who needs more powder foundation and mascara than a gaggle of drag queens. Let me tell you, if it weren't for me, that girl's face would look like a lunar landing site complete with craters. I've even had to reorder her shade of Extra Thick "Bury-It-Deep" Pancake because I ran out of it just before her date with that poor school teacher. If only he knew that he was actually in love with a half an inch thick layer of crud...
Disclaimer: While we almost trust Mike Spelling, we are quite pragmatic and think that it's possible we've been thoroughly had. We take no responsibility for the contents of any of his letters or the information he provided.
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