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Dear Bachelorette fans,
We need to admit we fretted a bit last week. As a result of some terrible disagreements between us and our trusted contacts during the last Bachelor season, we were, quite frankly, ready to throw in the towel and get out of the insider business. But then a circumstance presented itself which was just too juicy to pass up. We received the following letter from one of our devoted fans:
"My name is Mike Spelling and I work at The Hocksville Daily Observer, in Hocksville, KS. I've been a faithful follower of your establishment for many a Bachelor season and I am now trusting you with my most precious work to date.
Unceremoniously firedNeglected by my illustrious employer, I am turning to you to fulfill my journalistic dreams. It just so happens that I am in possession of valuable tidbits of information from my former no-good lover Jeff, Fleiss' errand boyan extremely well connected person who extorted some money from mehas an axe to grind. He supplied me with some very high caliber gossipinformation about the behind the scenes goings on during the filming of The Bachelorette. I will forward you this information weekly if you promise to help me find a job with the Chicago Tribunecompletely free of charge. The first installment is hereby enclosed, containing the biographies of all the people who have, er, contributed. I assure you that I couldn't care less what they thinkalready secured their permission in writing.
We will faithfully relay all the information we receive from Mike each and every week
as long as we can afford him.
Stacie Field: Wardrobe Girl
Stacie has a degree in fashion design from Fashion Institute of Technology. She launched her own line of seventies-inspired retro clothes in 1998 which tanked and landed her in debt in 1999. Luckily for her, she met and married a real estate agent based in Los Angeles in 2000 and all seemed well. They had seven happy years of marriage before she found her husband in bed with three women he met at the Midnight Summer's Dream party at the Playboy Mansion. Now divorced, Stacie has two young kids, an adjustable rate mortgage on a house in the Valley, and a whole lot of lawyer debt. To make ends meet and to try to launch a clothing shop, she's taken a job as "wardrobe girl" dressing the 25 bachelors and Chris Harrison on the third season of "The Bachelorette". According to Stacie, this is the chance of a lifetime to further her career and find a younger man to shove in her ex's face.
Twyla Saks: Makeup Girl
Twya, 27, is a former nun who left the nunhood when she was caught with a seminary boy in the back of a hearse going at it during a funeral. After weighing her few options she went to beauty school after which she spent some time helping out in a seedy strip club down in LA called the Pink Garter. She was secretly enthralled by the stripper lifestyle but when presented with the opportunity she moved on to work as Makeup Girl for the Bachelorette show. Twyla wears clothes from Talbots, but would rather go Frederick's of Hollywood... if she only dared. She gets her kicks by letting the bachelors peek down her blouse while she applies Medium 03 foundation on them, and she pines for Chris Harrison who never gives the poor girl the time of day. Single and quite desperate about it, she sees the Bachelorette as her big chance to break out of her shell. All those men! Perhaps she'll even wear a red fishnet stocking or two under her knee length pencil skirt...
Trey Pendleton: Hair Stylist and Fabulous
34 Gorgeous GWM in search of sugar daddy, no bears or fuglies... oh, wrong bio. Sorry about that. Not! Trey has been a hair stylist since he was 5 years old and working on his sisters Barbie dolls. He trained briefly under Jonathan Anton but was asked to leave after he suggested Anton have his hair done by a real professional such as celebrity stylist José Eber. He struck out on his own after that and after repeatedly striking out on his own found his way to the Bachlorette set. He loves a challenge so took the job with Fleiss and company. He is sure that some of those bachelors may be searching in the wrong place for their true loves and intends on showing them the alternatives. He wants to add that everyone had better notice the new more subtle high lights in Chris Harrison's hair or heads will be treated to mullets and 80's poodle perms before he is through.
Trudy Cox: Cocktail Waitress/Aspiring Actress
Trudy, 25, is an aspiring actress and cocktail waitress who grew up in a trailer park on the outskirts of Montgomery, Alabama. She dropped out of school in the 8th grade after getting knocked up by her no good, lying, cheating boyfriend in the back of his pickup truck. She hooked up with a truck driver at the local truck stop diner where she was waiting tables. He was headed for Vegas and she saw this as her golden opportunity. In Sin City, Trudy quickly found a job as a cocktail waitress at the Tropicana and slept with charmed her boss who has a lot of Hollywood connections. He landed her a gig serving cocktails on the set of The Bachelorette. This could be her big break into show biz. Trudy loves to flaunt it in her 6 inch platform stilettos with Lucite heels, her sweet pink fishnet stockings and those darling tube tops that hug her 34DDD's in vavavoom fashion. She'll have to tone it down a bit if Fleiss makes her wear a uniform, but who says you can't wear fire engine red lace undies under the black and white getup? If she has to, she’ll sleep with every bachelor on the set. Everyone knows those guys are actors so one of them should be able to help her get her big break.
Josie Sterling: Cook
Josie is a 48 year old widow whose husband, John, choked to death on a chicken bone 5 years ago. Unfortunately for Josie, John used the money they set aside to pay the premiums on his $2 million life insurance policy to buy booze and lavish presents for other women so Josie was forced to return to work following his death as a line cook at a Los Angeles steakhouse. Josie has since advanced to assistant chef. Josie learned to cook at the knee of her mother, Susan, and received a degree from the Technical Culinary Institute at the age of 20. She worked in the kitchen at several prestigious restaurants before meeting John and retiring from cooking to help him run his insurance agency. Josie has vowed to never remarry but is looking forward to treating the bachelors like the sons she never had. She has been known to take a few nips of cooking sherry for medicinal purposes while she is preparing meals. She is determined to make sure the men ingest something other than alcohol during their time on the show.[/b]
Geoff Jefferson: Self Appointed Lead Hair Stylist
Geoff, a 25 year old up and coming sylist is well known throughout the hair world. He mainly focuses on the lovely locks of women but has decided to perfect his skills on man head. He has worked all over the world where he mainly focused on runway models. There he sculpted such pieces of art as the “furry monkey,” “gnome in the garden,” and his award winning style “birds and the bees.” He is well known for his major attitude with clients and refusing customers that have misshapen heads. His sass and sharp tongue have gotten him fired from many jobs and he looks forward to this opportunity to work on all these men, especially the ones that are tall, fit, and have tight butts. He also plans to be waiting at the door, each night of elimination, to comfort the men and offer a shoulder to cry on…that offer will also be extended to Chris Harrison with his dreamy eyes, fluffy hair, and perfectly shaped head. These men are going to go wild the first time they get their heads stroked by his magical fingers.
Joe Gardner: Fleiss's Personal Assistant
Joe, 26, is a filmmaker turned personal assistant originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Growing up, he was the student who brought his teachers apples, offered to carry books for others, and kept a meticulously organized day planner. After graduating high school, Joe decided to pack up and head to Los Angeles to become a filmmaker. Joe attended film school, only to find out that making it in Hollywood is harder than he thought. He made a few straight-to-video movies, most notably "Monkey and Me" starring Shayne Lamas and Matthew Grant. Since the film was a complete flop, Joe decided filmmaking just wasn't for him. Honing his childhood organization skills and using his Hollywood connections, he landed the dream job
that nobody else wantedof personal assistant to THE Michael Fleiss Fleiss's bitch. This is Joe's first time working with The Bachelorette series and he hopes to score some sweet pick-up lines and woman wooing tips from the bachelors. Since Joe will be the one picking up Fleiss's dry cleaning, he also plans to spill if Fleiss is a boxers or briefs kind of man. He may even get to become a filmmaker again if he gets to go to the fantasy suites...
Helga Van Buren: The Hair Containment Specialist
Helga, 34, is a body hair waxer originally from Norway. Helga didn't grow up dreaming of using wax and cloth strips to remove back hair from large Norwegian men, but she has always had a fascination with body hair due to her own sometimes uncontrollable mustache. Helga left Norway for Brazil after an unfortunate eyebrow waxing "accident" that occurred after she consumed a little too much moonshine one evening. In Brazil, Helga perfected some more risque waxing techniques for use in body areas she never knew people cared much about. After reading a "Help Wanted: 25 Hairy Neanderthals Need De-Fuzzing" ad in the L.A. Times, Helga headed to California and became involved with The Bachelorette series. She is looking forward to grooming every inch of the buff,
hairyhard chested men and hopes to keep her own facial jungle contained while she's at it.
Dirk Mangood: Cameraman
Dirk, 32 year old investment banker/budding rock musician/Risk enthusiast/cameraman, currently working on the Bachlorette (which has potential if he can lay off the booze long enough). Fell in love with Deanna even though she was on her way to being Womackized. When Womack did the impossible and rejected Deanna, Dirk knew that he was meant for her exclusively. He found out where she lived and would gaze lovingly up to where he imagined her bedroom window was, all while holding a red rose. He knew all that had to happen would be for Deanna to look upon him at once and love would be in the air. Unfortunately, a restraining order put an end to that romance. Still knowing he was hers and hers alone, he tried out to be on her season, but could not make the casting assisitant understand that he was meant to be her Romeo to her Juliet. Or maybe he made that a little too understood when they confiscated the vial of poison....
Jarvis Jenkins: Chauffeur
Jarvis Jenkins, 65, has been driving for Fleiss for 30 years and been on the Bachelor payroll since season one. Over the years, he has seen more than he cares to see considering the privacy glass isn’t exactly private. Since he drives for all of the one on one dates, Jarvis is privy to all of the sordid details that editors leave on the cutting room floor. Jarvis also chauffeurs the rejected suitors to the airport and has heard his share of the jilted lovers’ stories of debauchery and heartbreak. He was planning to retire after last season, but his wife lost all of their savings to a scam artist. If they’re going to afford their apartment at the Flamingo Gardens Retirement Village in sunny Winter Park, Florida, he’ll have to work one more season.
Disclaimer: While we almost trust Mike Spelling, we are quite pragmatic and think that it's possible we've been thoroughly had. We take no responsibility for the contents of any of his letters or the information he provided.
Thanks to our fabulous FORT mods and writers: AshleyPSU, iguanachocolate, lildago, Mariner, MsFroggy, PhoneGrrrl and Yardgnome.