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Last week’s underwhelming, undercooked episode saw the eviction of Shayna (who?), along with Matt and his eyebrows being moved to the women’s team after he was bullied by the other guys. Browbeaten, if you will. (I know, that was bad.) The men were thrilled. The women? Not so much. But Matt has a newfound energy, wanting to show his ex-team just how good he really is. Why he didn’t try that strategy while he was still with them, I have no clue. Tonight’s episode also features my fave challenge: the palate taste test. It never ceases to amaze me how so-called chefs can’t distinguish papaya from potato.

Where's the Beef?
It only takes about 30 seconds for the cheflings to start arguing after being sent to their quarters. Ben smarts off to Matt, who responds in kind with several “f*** you’s” and a warning that he’s no longer going to be the scapegoat for the men’s team and their craptastic performances. He’s now the women’s scapegoat. Nyah. Matt accuses Ben of hiding behind Bobby, and Ben asks “is that the best you got?” as Matt stomps off. Well, yeah, Ben the electrician, it is the best he’s got. Ben doesn’t think the women have any idea what they’re in for.

Oh, yes they do. Corey tells everyone “does he think because we’re girls that we’ll be nice to him? We’re worse than you guys!” Jen agrees, looking at Corey and snarking “Believe that! Try working with that bitch right there. The blond haired devil.” Corey laughs, knowing Jen speaks the truth, and complains that it’s not fair being stuck with whiny Matt. The others nod their heads in agreement while Matt has conversations with himself upstairs. Seriously, Matt, that's creepy. Cut it out.

Enough of that. Ramsay has kindly taken it upon himself to prepare three dishes for the cheflings this morning. No, not bacon and eggs - he’s made chicken parmigiana, beef stew, and sausage ravioli. And he demands they taste his dishes and tell him what they’re missing. Everyone digs in, and spouts off what they think is wrong. No garlic, says Corey. Salt and pepper, says Louross. Nobody really gets it, thinking various seasonings are missing. What is it? There’s no real meat in the dishes, only soy-based fakey meat. Not one *cough* “chef” guessed right. Petrozza is the only one who was remotely close, thinking the beef stew meat had an off texture.

Ramsay is now in full-on peeved mode, telling them the next challenge is a blind taste test. Jen has to sit it out to make it even, and pouts. Up first: Petrozza and Rosann. She guesses white meat pork, he guesses dry-ass chicken. Petrozza wins! Next is sweet potato, which Rosann gets right. Petrozza thinks it was turnip. Fail! Nectarine is last, and Rosann gets that too. Petrozza thinks it’s pineapple. *ding* The women are ahead.

Round two is Corey versus her hot-tub buddy Louross. Neither one guesses the meatloaf or watercress. Watercress? Seriously? Corey does gets the last one right, turnip. Louross blows it. Next is Christina versus Bobby. Neither one of these doofs knows shrimp. Christina gets radish and truffle right, but Bobby blows both of them. Guys are stinking this one up big time, and the women are way ahead.

Final round is Matt versus Ben, a rivalry of epic proportions, the announcer tells us. Now tell me this wasn’t a huge set up. For this one, Ramsay has prepared a dish with ten ingredients, and Matt and Ben must take turns naming them. It’s clam chowder, by the way. The two guys take turns, each nailing the ingredients. But it’s not enough to overcome the men’s suckiness, and the women’s team wins. Yes, I’m still calling them the women’s team, even though they have Matt. Sue me. Matt and his eyebrows gloat, the girls hug him, and Ben curses under his breath.

Rubbing It In
Punishment? The men must go clean the ladies quarters (which are covered in funk, by the way), while the girls and Matt get to head out for massages, facials, and mani-pedis. The girls squeal with joy. Ben says something about Jen fixing her weave. Nice! How about you fix that dumbass hairstyle of yours, you cocky twerp? Bobby vacuums the filth from the ladies dorms, wishing they had won because he sure could use some of that “theraputic rub kind of thing.” Er, okay.

To add insult to injury, Ben is ordered downstairs to serve the ladies and Matt drinks. He takes the opportunity to tell Matt he looks like an idiot with his chocolate mask on, asking if he wanted his drink poured down his throat or on the table next to him. Matt just eats this up, and I have to admit, so do I. Ben cordially offers the girls drinks and goes back upstairs to scrub the nasty toilets. The girls tell Matt he’s going to be the first to go, and he has no problem with that - as long as Ben goes before him.

Finally, time for dinner service. The teams busy themselves with prep work while Matt prattles on endlessly about redemption. Corey mutters for Matt to just shut up and make the sorbet. No special events tonight, no parties, no kids. Just regular, basic dinner service. They should know how to prepare the basic dishes by now, right? Wrong.

Ramsay barks out the first round of orders to the men’s team, and everyone answers “yes chef” but Ben, who is leaning over a counter doing who knows what. Gordo rips him one, saying he’s more laid back than an ironing board. Rosann starts off appetizers by unevenly cooking the scallops, which Ramsay brings back to her. “Come on, Rosann - do it for Staten Island!” says Matt. Louross mucks up some eggs. Ramsay shouts out entree orders for the women’s team, and Jen tells someone not to fire up the order yet, causing Ramsay to yell at her. She pokes her overglossed lips out and pouts again, not responding to anyone who talks to her. Sheesh. Business as usual in the kitchen.

Beware the Flying Lobster
Louross redeems himself with some perfectly prepared appetizers, but Rosann continues to undercook some langoustine, earning another ass-chewing by Gordon and disappointing all of Staten Island. He throws the raw shellfish and hits Matt with it, asking if it hurt. Hell no, this is the guy who loves raw scallops, remember? Ramsay also yells at Jen for moping around, telling her he’s sick of it. Over on the blue team, Ben is sending out raw chicken, and Ramsay spews some filth on their side of the kitchen for good measure. Ben weakly replies that he’s not used to the brigade system. Gordon says he gives the limpest excuses, dropping f-bombs aplenty while Matt gloats some more. I don’t like gloaty Matt any more than I liked wimpy Matt.

Luckily some of the diners on the blue team’s side brought snacks, because they sure aren’t getting their entrees. Petrozza has the kitchen looking like a tornado came though, but I don’t know how. It’s not like they’re putting any food out. Gordon makes the mistake of complimenting Matt’s risotto, saying it’s the best ever. Oh, gawd. Matt thanks him, and goes on and on thanking the sous chefs, his wife, his best friend....wait. His wife? Someone married this doofus?

It’s eight o’clock, and Ben has just figured out that they don’t have enough lamb to prepare four of the tickets. Problem is, the orders were placed at 6:30. Insert standard foaming-at-the-mouth Ramsay rant here. I will give Ben cool points for coming up with a new curse word - “flusterf***ed.” I’ll be sure to use that in conversation this week.

Rosann sends out yet more raw salmon, Ben gets some bloody Wellington returned from a diner, and Ramsay shuts the kitchen down after flinging a platter full of food across the counter and turning the air blue, keeping the bleepers busy. Men lose this one. Ben initially wants the guys to all nominate themselves, but Louross and Petrozza balk at the idea. Ben then tries to get Petrozza to nominate Louross, saying it was Bobby’s idea. Petrozza isn’t down with this.

So, nomination time. Louross noms Ben, with a strange little speech about not faking the funk or some such nonsense. Ben noms Louross. Bobby goes for Petrozza, and Petrozza nominates...himself. Because he just can’t pick one of the other guys. Gordon compliments Petrozza for his maturity and graciousness, but sends Ben packing, much to Matt’s delight. And mine.

Next week: someone from the red team must volunteer to join the blue team to even them out. Matt says it ain’t him. Also - one of our cheflings chops a fingertip off, giving a new meaning to “finger food.”. They hunt for it in the pancetta as two famous food critics lie in wait in the dining room...

I'm beginning to wonder if some of these people can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich right...waywyrd@FORT