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Get comfy my Bachelor buddies and prepare yourselves for the Most. Romantic. Bachelor. Ending….EVER! Chris Harrison has been promising this for weeks and tonight’s finally the night. As things stand now (and will remain for the first half hour of the show if Matt follows the script properly - oops, did I just say that?) he’ll be completely at a loss as to which woman ‘deserves’ his love…Chelsea or Shayne. His confusion will persist as he takes each woman home to meet the folks even though he’ll be seeking helpful advice from mom, dad, brother, or perhaps even a friendly bobby standing on the corner. Sadly, no one will be able to truly help bring him clarity. BUT, he’ll miraculously awaken on Decision Day with a clear vision of which woman is his soul mate and will declare his undying love for her. Unless, of course, he pulls a Womack and decides he hates them both. In that case, living across a major body of water will probably work toward his advantage as he waits for things to cool off. Anyway, let’s not waste any more precious time and get right down to the nitty gritty.

Ho-meward Bound #1 - If I Let You Hold My Hand, Will You Propose?

Chelsea is the first lucky lady to be brought to London to meet Matt’s parents. It would be great if Matt insisted on holding hands with anti-hand-holding Chelsea the entire visit just so we could watch her freak out. She tells us if Matt picks her, she just might be living in England “for a little while.” What does that mean? Does she think the romance will quickly peter out? If so, she must be familiar with this show’s track record. They sightsee around London and Matt shows her where his office is located - waaaay off in the distance. They do spend time locking lips several times which lends credence to the idea that it’s just the hand-holding she loathes.

They arrive at the folks’ house and immediately sit down to dinner, along with Matt’s brother, Simon. Chelsea’s nervous and somewhat intimidated but Mom tries to put her at ease. Chelsea chats about how great Matt is and how wonderful he’s been to her. Simon broaches the subject of her possibly moving to England by suggesting she might soon be needing her “willies.” Hm, lots of things give me the willies…fingernails on a chalkboard is one example...so “needing” willies sounds crazy to me. But Chelsea correctly guesses willies in England = rain boots in the U.S. Simon is absolutely thrilled she guesses correctly and is quite taken by her charm. Chelsea tells Mom the most important quality she’s looking for in a man is a sense of humor, and says Matt is perfect for her. Mom confides to us that Chelsea did a good job of selling herself, but she doesn’t feel she knows Chelsea well enough to know if she’s sincere. Chelsea admits to falling more in love with Matt every minute she’s with him. But she also admits she’s keeping her guard up because she knows there’s a 50-50 chance she could be going home broken hearted. Mom thinks Chelsea and Matt work well together. She also tells us that she admires Chelsea for baring her soul, realizing it wasn’t an easy thing for her to do. Mom is lovely, especially when she asks Matt how he thinks Chelsea would handle their “mad family.” Hee. Chelsea believes she could be a part of his family and enjoyed meeting them. As she and Matt say their goodbyes, he says, “I adore you honey and I love being with you.” Her final words to him, “bye, baby.”

Ho-meward Bound #2 - Monkeying Around

Shayne arrives for her visit and runs into Matt’s arms. He walks her around Hyde Park and she simpers about how beautiful it is. He tells her she’ll love London because of the shopping and theater. They tour London via a double-decker bus, and she remarks the palace guards must get bored standing at attention all day. Or perhaps she’s thinking the guards must get bored not being able to shop all day. Speaking of shopping, at some point they must have browsed a liquor store because when they arrive at Matt’s parents’ house, Shayne is suddenly holding a bottle of wine. As they wait for his parents to open the door, she says she’s so nervous she’s shaking in her boots -- most likely one of several pairs of Manolo Blahnik boots she’s lugged across the Atlantic in her designer bags. She says she’s falling in love with their son, and therefore has nothing to hide. Shayne settles into a couch and as everyone partakes in small talk she confesses to spilling some of her drink in her lap, which I find somewhat endearing perhaps because I can be a bit of a klutz at times, too. Simon admits when they first met he was taken aback by her “bleached blonde hair” and didn’t think she was Matt’s type, heh. Dad asks how old she is and Shayne jokes she’s 12, then admits to being 22 - quickly adding the I’ve-been-out-on-my-own-since-I-was-17 line. Mom is curious about her career and Shayne says she began acting on a soap opera about 10 years ago, working her way up to films. I can’t help but notice she left out the part about them being ‘B Movies,’ heh. She says she’s worked very hard perfecting her acting skills and when Simon questions whether she’s working hard simply to be the last gal standing for Matt, she handles the question by saying they understand each other and connect well together. If it doesn’t work out for them, why would she want to be with him anyway? Simon seems quite satisfied with her answers and later admits he gave her a tough time and thinks she came across quite well.

Shayne asks Simon what he thought of her when they first met. He says quite honestly he couldn’t figure out why Matt was attracted to her. Ouch. But he adds he was wrong and she’s really grown on him. He thinks she’s mature and that they had some deep conversations over dinner. Simon wonders if knowing Matt could propose in two days freaks her out. She quickly answers no, that it freaks her out to think in two days she could lose him. Simon thinks she’s warm and genuine.

Mom lets Shayne know she’s been completely at ease with Shayne from the moment they met - you know, all those many minutes ago. Mom wonders what Shayne’s looking for in a husband, and Shayne says she knows marriage isn’t easy and wants to be able to look at her potential husband and know “this is the man I can get through anything with.” She confides to Mom that her parents have been married quite a few times (to different people each time - just thought I’d clarify), and it made for a tough childhood.

As they say their goodbyes, she tells us she loved being around his family and had a lovely time. Matt says she did an amazing job and he hated saying goodbye to her. After she leaves he has a chat with Mom and Dad and admits that he feels most at ease with Shayne, but feels the most passion with Chelsea. Wow, if he proposes to Shayne, he’s got some ‘splaining to do about that admission. Eek.

Following the script to perfection, the family members can't settle on one favorite woman they’d like to see with Matt, and he ends the halfway mark of the show being completely befuddled as to who to choose. Brilliant! You’re right on target, Matt!

Ho’s in Barbados

Chelsea and Matt meet up back in Barbados and he blindfolds her then walks her to a helicopter pad. She screams with delight (or fright, I’ll let you decide) at the sight of it and soon they’re up, up and away. They land on a private part of the island and smooch before enjoying a picnic lunch. The violins play in the background as Fleiss cues the sun to set at just the perfect moment.

They return to the hotel for more vino and she presents him with a cooler filled with cereal (for sharing breakfast in bed after he chooses her), surf wax (because she wants to teach him how to surf), and a map (for traveling). I’m left wondering why dry cereal, surf wax and a map needed to be kept in cold storage, but I suppose it will have to remain one of life’s many unanswered questions.

She confesses her love for him and he says he’s falling in love with her as well. They kiss loudly and fondle each other amidst the flickering candles. Matt tells us privately that Chelsea is everything he’s ever wanted in a woman and he thinks she’s abso-tooting-incredible. He ends his confession by saying, “I hope we can get through this together.” Get through what? The night? The next five minutes of filming? The complimentary bagels in the morning? Get through WHAT? *sigh*

This Ho’s Got Jungle Fever

It’s another bright idyllic day for island shenanigans and today it’s Shayne’s turn to frolic with Matt. She runs to him wrapping her arms and legs around him. He says the way she cuddles him, it’s as if she’s a little monkey. She knows today is her last chance to show Matt her true feelings and to let him know she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. He carries her around on his back and she squeals when she sees a boat waiting for them. She’s the first to take a turn parasailing and says she felt like an angel floating in the sky. For a moment I thought she was going to say she felt like one of those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz, but no. With all the drama she can muster she says while parasailing, she was dreaming about the man she loves (I assume she means Matt) getting down on one knee to propose to her. Funny, I always assume people parasailing are dreaming about coming back down to the boat in one piece.

Shayne announces she’s ready to spend the rest of her life with Matt and with great conviction says, “I love him.” After a long day in the sun, the two of them cuddle back in the hotel room. She has a present for him and declares it to be “the most amazing gift you’ll ever receive from me in our entire relationship.” Wow, that kind of makes the future seem rather bleak, doesn’t it? Like…what we have right now is the best we’re ever going to have. Ever. I should remember that because it certainly takes the pressure off for future gift-giving. I can just see telling my husband, “I got you this pair of socks for your birthday because, well, you know, I gave you the best present ever 26 years ago. So, well, here you go…happy birthday.” Anyway, she hands him two framed pictures of herself dramatically (of course) splayed out on a sandy beach, on which she has written, “I love you” in the sand. He’s truly touched by it and for a moment he looks as if he might cry. He says she wears her heart on her sleeve and she tells us if he were to propose, she’d definitely say yes because they “need to figure out this life together.” The ol’ two heads theory, I suppose.

He tells her she’s the kindest most genuine monkey person he’s ever met. She elevates her voice to Little Girl mode and asks him again if he likes her present. He tells her he loves it, then tells us he still hasn’t made up his mind who to propose to tomorrow. Attaboy, Matt! Perfect timing keeping everyone guessing until the sun rises tomorrow. *thumbs up*

Gone With the Ho

As predicted, Matt wakes up with tremendous clarity and heads for the jewelers to pick out the perfect ring for his lady. There’s a close up of him holding a spectacular ring in his hands and damn, his cuticles are shot - this man needs a manicure, stat! The ring symbolizes his love and commitment and he’s quite clear who he envisions as a life partner and can’t wait to see her.

The ladies dress for the big day, Chelsea in a gorgeous long white flowing gown and Shayne in a perky, short flowing yellow dress. They both look gorgeous and I’m pleased to see Matt finally combed his hair and shaved the many days’ growth he’s been sporting for the past week. They each arrive separately by limo with Chris Harrison finally making his debut tonight, yay! He walks Chelsea toward Matt and she tells us she’s fallen in love with Matt and she’d be honored if he were to choose her. Matt says she looks amazing and he loves her dress. He tells her he never thought for one second he’d meet someone like her and he found himself falling for her long before she even realized it. They’ve shared some amazing times and he thanks her for that. He says he came here looking for his life-long partner and knows she has as well. And then it happens. He takes a deep breath and says he can’t give her everything she needs. Her face says it all as he continues to blather about falling in love with her, but he’s sorry she’s not “the one” for him. Just once I’d love to see the jilted lover fire a solid right jab to the Bachelor’s jaw knocking him flat on his sorry ass.

She can hardly look at him when she says she hasn’t had any regrets about this adventure. But she finds it hard to think she could have fallen for someone who wasn’t falling for her. She feels like he was giving her reassurances along the way and thought he was falling for her, too. She meant every word she said to him, to which he says he thought she was the ‘one’ many times. Grrr, I hate when the guys pull this crap. Seriously, they need to throw the script away and just let the relationships unfold as they may. Matt wraps it up by saying he wishes her the best, then to make sure she knows she’s being dismissed says, “let’s go.” He walks her back to the limo and Chelsea unleashes her pain on him. She feels Shayne was the “falsest” woman there and to be up against her was just… Matt says she doesn’t know Shayne and that if she thinks he’s the sort of person who could end up with a false person, she obviously doesn’t know him. Meh. That leaves Chelsea speechless and they walk to the limo in silence. They kiss goodbye and he says he’s going to miss her terribly. Once in the limo she fights the tears and says the hardest thing is realizing how much you love someone and wanting to spend your future with them but you can’t. She says her relationships have always let her down and she’s angry for being honest with Matt about her feelings. She then declares him a fool. Hey, you won’t get an argument from me, kiddo - but then I’ve been thinking he’s a fool simply for agreeing to be on this show. Psst, Chelsea, if you’re still interested in dating an Englishman, I suggest giving Simon a call - he thought you were smashing.

Monkey Ho Business

Matt’s back in place as Shayne arrives. He sees their future filled with fun, affection and monkey sex love. He knows she’ll always be there for him (ah, Matt, you silly, silly man, you). Chris is waiting for her and escorts her over to where Matt is waiting. Shayne tells us she’s never had her heart in a man’s hand like this before but that Matt has every single quality she’s ever wanted in a man. She’s given him everything she has and if she loses him, she’ll be heartbroken. He tells her the minute he saw her he noticed her million dollar smile and big brown eyes. He wondered if she was too good to be true but they’ve had fun, laughter, love, kisses and “monkey” (hee). He came here looking for love and knows she’ll always be there for him. He promises he’ll always be there for her then gets down on one knee. She rips her hands from his and throws them up to her mouth in surprise. He asks her to return her hands to his and says, “Shayne Lamas I love you” - she interrupts saying, “I love you” - he continues, “I have something for you.” He reaches into his back pocket and presents the ring to her saying, “Monkey, will you marry me?” She shouts yes and hugs him, telling him she loves him. They hug and kiss and he puts the ring on her finger. She says she’ll marry him under one condition - that he never look at another woman for the rest of their lives because he’s looked at way too many during their relationship. He promises and again they kiss. A montage of all the joy they’ve experienced the last six weeks flashes across the screen and Shayne says, “this is the happiest day of my life.” I wish them luck…with the track record of this show, they’re going to need it. I also hope he truly loves Shayne’s pictures because remember, they’re the best present she’s ever going to give him. EVER!

There you have it, dear friends. Real life beckons me for a couple of months (I know, I was also shocked to discover there’s life beyond cyberspace) so I bid you a temporary farewell as a writer. I’ve enjoyed sharing every cheesy Bachelor moment with all of you and look forward to rejoining you for more tears, rants and roses in the future. So how long do you think it will be before Simon asks Chelsea for a date? Let me know via a pm here.

I’d like to thank I<3realitytv for the two non-monkey pictures!