Top Chef 5/7 Recap: Chefzillas

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With eight remaining contestants, this week’s episode marks the half-way point in the season. It’s that time of the season where everything seems a bit too familiar and there needs to be some serious drama to snap me out of the malaise. Unfortunately, Bravo has chosen this episode to be the “super-sized” 75 minute one. At least I had time to run out to the corner store and get a drink—a super-sized caffeinated one—before the show started. To prepare yourself, you may want to grab a Red Bull and come back for the recap.

Passing the baton knife.

Last week, our favorite messy chef Mark got the boot; now Spike and Andrew miss him terribly and move in to share the same room so as not to be too lonely. Maybe they an activate some wonder-bear-twins power by sharing close quarters. Antonia marvels that this season is the first where, going into the final eight, there are an equal number of men and women contestants. Nikki notes that it is time to really be a competitor. Nice sentiment from someone who has played it safely up the middle for most of the season.

The chefs head off to the Quick Fire and are met by Padma and Tom. Tom’s presence at the QF tips us off that something different is in the air. Low and behold, is the mise en place relay competition that was such fun last season. I’m sure Antonia spent hours practicing dicing onions just for this occasion. Padma breaks the news that there will be no more immunity from this point forward. The teams draw knives and are broken into two teams for both the QF and the Elimination Challenge. On one team are Stephanie, Antonia, Richard, and Andrew. The other team is obviously Dale, Lisa, Spike and Nikki. The challenge will be a four part prep that includes (1) peeling and cleanly sectioning five oranges with a knife; (2) cleaning and turning two artichokes keeping the stem in tact; (3) cleaning a monk fish and getting two fillets out of it; and (4) making a quart of mayonnaise. Running for the Hellmann’s is not an option.

The first team chooses duties pretty easily. Richard is familiar with the fish, Stephanie makes fresh mayo all the time, Antonia decides to do the fruit, and Andrew is confident about his artichoke prep skills. Over on the other team, things aren’t that happy. Dale takes the fish because it’s the hardest and he’s a martyr, but the other three can’t decide who is going to do the mayo because they haven’t made one without an electric appliance since culinary school. Dale gets more exasperated by the minute. Eventually, with some coaching, Nikki takes on the mayo prep, Lisa will do the oranges, and Spike will clean the artichokes.

Aaaannnnndddd, they’re off! First up are the oranges. Lisa makes quick work of the five oranges even though her hands are shaking and she’s worried she’s going to cut herself. Antonia has a harder time and still has two oranges left when Lisa is done. Spike steps in to do the artichokes while Antonia is finishing up on her team. Spike, however, breaks the second stem and has to start over by the time Andrew jumps in on the artichokes. He uses an unusual invention—a vegetable peeler—to make quick work of the job. Andrew and Spike finish at the same time and it’s on to the monk fish. Richard and Dale have about equal speed, though Richard points out his fillets look prettier than Dales. They finish at the same time and it’s a dead heat for the remaining challenge—the mayo. Stephanie starts out slowly to build a base and then opens up the oil pour full-tilt. Meanwhile, Nikki has great difficulty getting the mayo to break and is whisking so much her arm may fall off. Both sides are cheering and on an emotional high. Stephanie brings it home first, though, making well over the quart necessary to win. Stephanie, Richard, Andrew, and Nikki have won the challenge—which will get them an “important” benefit later on—and Dale is pissed. He slams his hand into the lockers and lets fly with a certain expletive that is de rigueur on this season.

Wedding Wars.

In seasons past, at this point the chefs usually face off in restaurant wars—a much-loved challenge since most of these folks have or want to open their own restaurants. Alas, it is not to be this season, much to Spike’s dismay. In place of battling it out with competing restaurants, the two teams will battle it out catering a wedding. One side will cook food according to the groom’s requests and the other side will tend to the bride’s tastes. Each team will have to prep food for 125 guests, have a budget of $5,000, and have fourteen hours to cook in the kitchen and a couple of hours at the site to prepare. This amuses no one, as they did not come on this show to be Top Caterer. Padma also says that there will be cots set up in the kitchen, since they will all be pulling an all-nighter. Andrew is too excited about this, noting that the prospect of working all night gives him a culinary boner. Again, this isn’t something I want to hear from someone working with food.

Tom and Padma introduce the couple who are to be married the next day—they own a catering service and facility so they will be particularly attuned to what works and what doesn’t. The winning team’s “advantage” is that they get to pick cooking for either the bride or the groom. Richard makes the command decision—and bold choice—to pick the bride. Spike thinks it’s crazy, but he’s not on that team so why he comments is beyond me. Richard believes that it’s the bride’s day so the wedding food should be all about her.

The groom meets with Nikki, Dale, Spike and Lisa; he likes Italian food and Nikki “gets” him right away. He mentions shellfish, sea bass, bruschetta, and flat breads. For his cake, he’s thinking of something German chocolate. Nikki seems to take the lead in the meeting, which obviously rubs Dale the wrong way. Dale is not liked by his teammates and the feeling is mutual.

The bride, meanwhile, meets with Richard, Stephanie, Antonia, and Andrew. She is from outside of Atlanta and bonds with Richard over their shared Georgia experience. She’s a total meat and potatoes person and enjoys fried foods. She wants her cake to be simple and multi-layered.

After the initial consultation, the cooks head off to both Whole Foods and the Restaurant Depot. Dale and Lisa manage not to kill each other at the Depot, while Antonia and Lisa find what they need with little difficulty. They do share a laugh over the pictures of flowers Richard texts them; he is at Whole Foods with Andrew trying to pick out décor items and generally micromanaging Andrew to the point of annoyance. Richard says his love for Martha Stewart and pink shoes especially qualifies him to choose décor items. Nikki and Spike find some wine to purchase at Whole Foods, and it’s off to the kitchen.

Fourteen hours of mayhem.

It is already 9 p.m. when the cooks get into the kitchen and the 14 hour clock starts. It’s going to be a long night indeed. The groom’s team is making Italian flatbreads, thin pizzas, and bruschetta as starters and there will be a vegetable antipasti spread of roasted vegetables. Nikki is making some tortellini, which will be served with Dale’s pork ragout (from the sound of it really is a ragout and not a ragu, much to Nikki’s dismay later on). There are also grilled filet mignons and Chilean sea bass and Lisa is going to make the groom’s cake.

The bride’s team is also making thin pizzas for a starter along with a pulled pork mini sandwiches and short ribs wrapped in phyllo. Andrew insisted on making some kind of fried chicken thing although Antonia thinks it is a stupid idea. There will also be brisket, filet mignon roasts, creamed spinach and a potato dish. Stephanie has agreed to take on the job of making a five-tiered wedding cake. Richard knows the menu is tough because it all comes down to the meats and sauces. Then he finally says what I’ve been thinking: everyone knows wedding food sucks and he wants this to actually be good. About a dozen years ago, I experienced the ultimate in bad wedding food: deli buns from the grocery store still in the bag, Oscar Mayer cold cuts in the packets, and bottles of squeeze mayo on the table next to the pink “champagne” fountain. If it were a picnic, it may have been okay, but having known that the bride dropped $5K on the ugliest puffy dress and totally skimped on the reception didn’t make the crap food go down any easier.

As is expected, tempers begin to flare up, especially on the groom’s team. Spike and Lisa try to get Nikki’s input into prepping the vegetables and whatnot to be in the Italian style that she and the groom bonded so well over. Nikki, however, doesn’t want to take responsibility so she doesn’t give a whole lot of direction. Dale grouses about Nikki’s failure to lead and having to pick up every crap job that no one wants to do. Sounds like Dale is ready for another diaper changing.

By 11:15, Andrew’s filter has completely come off; he’s knee deep in spinach and running it through the meat grinder to make creamed spinach. This, he says, is like he’s in the middle of Popeye’s wet dream. No wonder the team doesn’t let him out to serve at the wedding. Lisa spies Dale’s cooking of the beef and thinks he’s doing a bad job, burning some of it. Neither she nor Nikki say anything, but Spike intervenes and takes the sea bass from Dale to work on. Nikki continues to make pasta for the tortellinis while Dale works on the ragout. It doesn’t have the tomato she’s looking for but has carrots, wine, and pork. Nikki doesn’t ask him to change it and Dale privately comments that Nikki just doesn’t want to take responsibility and risk taking the blame.

The marathon session continues and everyone is slamming back caffeine drinks and going insane. Tom comes by for a visit in the early morning and sees that everyone is exhausted. After visiting with the two teams, he thinks that the groom’s team has it easier because the groom wanted Italian food and Nikki has expertise. The bride’s team, he says, has a harder time because she likes simple foods, which can be more difficult to execute in a perfect way at a banquet. Tom does note that the bride’s team is the stronger team of competitors.

You may now eat the food.

The sun has risen on the next day and it is time to pack up the food and head to the wedding locale. Lisa’s big-ass chocolate cake isn’t beautiful but it is what the groom wanted. She worries about transporting it across town. Stephanie kept her five layers separate for transport and will put them together at the site. She’s also worried about the transport. Who wouldn’t be? Have you ever seen Ace of Cakes? When they drove that Harry Potter cake across the country, it totally freaked me out. Hell, I have to cover my eyes when watching the Food Network’s cooking challenge show when they move intricate cakes six feet for judging. It’s worse than a horror movie for me. What can I say, I like me some cake.

Of course there’s the whole wedding thing with the vows and whatnot. Personally, I think the whole thing was faked. The bride had on one wedding dress at the wedding reception and a completely different wedding dress at the dinner. Something is fishy or she bought two dresses she’ll never wear again. In any event, the reception starts and the judges show up—Padma, Tom, Gail, and Gale Gand, a top pastry chef in Chicago. Lisa and Stephanie both show twinges of nerves at her presence.

The passed starters come out first. The bride’s team serves short ribs and blue cheese in phyllo with almonds. The crowd loves them. Also served are a pulled pork sandwich with pickle and prosciutto and goat cheese pizza. The groom’s starters are sausage pizza and flatbread and bruschetta on really tough, thick bread that Dale prepped too early. The overly-crunchy bread makes the starter too messy for the guests.

The guests move on to dinner, which is served as a buffet. The bride’s team has Antonia and Richard serving the guests, Stephanie brining food out to the front, and Andrew cooking in the back because he and his culinary boners need to stay away from the wedding guests. On the groom’s team, Nikki is serving but has no focus, Spike and Lisa are also on the buffet, and Dale is back in the kitchen griping that he’s there and needs help. Of course, if he had help, he’d probably complain about that too.

The dinner foods that are served by the bride’s team are creamed spinach with star anise, potato gratin, filet mignon with horseradish sauce and red win syrup, and braised beef brisket. There is also almond and basil crusted chicken breast as prepared by Andrew. The judges really like the filet and the brisket. The horseradish sauce was a hit but the chicken is the worst—Gail and Tom comment that Andrew made it in the last challenge and it came out better then, as it was served immediately.

The groom’s team serves up: mixed vegetables and cheeses in its antipasti display; butternut squash tortellini with brown butter and sage; Chilean sea bass with artichokes, capers, olives and tomatoes; pork and beef ragu with orecchiette; and pan seared filet mignon with potatoes and horseradish cream. The judges taste the food and find the tortellini too sweet, the ragu pretty good, the vegetables unappetizing and too much.

The feedback from the crowd is positive for the bride’s team all-around, though there is some love for Spike’s sea bass. Finally it is time to cut the cakes. Neither cake falls apart and Stephanie and Lisa are just thrilled they pulled off a cake each. The judges seem to scarf down Lisa’s cake faster but a guest really enjoyed Stephanie’s light white cake.

Can’t we just skip to the end?

At this point, the cooks have been up for a day and a half. They are waiting in the storage room to meet their fates and drinking wine out of Solo cups. And they all yawn, which causes me to yawn. I feel like I’ve been watching this episode for 36 hours and there’s no end in sight. Maybe I too need a Solo cup full of wine.

At least the judges are pretty quick on the draw. They call the bride’s team in first and Tom wants to find out what nutbag decided to voluntarily pick the bride, given that brides are inherently unreasonable and difficult to work with. Thanks for perpetuating the misogyny, Tom. Richard owns up to picking the bride because the wedding day is all about her. Thanks for perpetuating a slightly more benign misogyny, Richard. Tom comments that Andrew made essentially the same chicken he did in the last challenge. The judges then ask about the spinach, which wasn’t so great. Andrew says he made the spinach but Richard owns up to seasoning it with star anise, which probably was the flavor the judges didn’t like.

Before things get too derogatory, the bride’s team is let in on the fact that they are the winners of the challenge. Gale asks who did the cake; Stephanie acknowledges she did and is told she did a great job. The judges liked Antonia’s pizzas better than the pizzas on the other team—and they were the ones with the Italian theme. Richard’s brisket was also a hit. Gale announces that because he executed the most of the good dishes, Richard is the winner. Richard wants to give the win to Stephanie since she made the cake; it was a job he certainly didn’t want. Stephanie then wins the $2,000 Crate & Barrel gift certificate, which she says she’ll split with Richard. She comments that it is all about teamwork, and that’s why they won. The winners head back to the storage room to send in the losers.

When the groom’s team arrives, the judges want to find out who did what. Lisa says she made the cake, Dale says he did the filets, the potatoes, and the pork ragout. Nikki admits to the pesto and the tortellinis, while Spike claims the sea bass and the roasted vegetables. Tom asks who was driving the bus on the Italian menu and Nikki says it was definitely not her, because she wasn’t playing executive chef. Gale asks about the cake and Lisa said the groom wanted something simple that tastes good but did not outshine the bride’s cake. They said that she succeeded it not having the appearance outshine the bride’s cake but it did taste better. Tom asks who made the decision to have the antipasti bar, and Nikki says that was all the groom’s decision. Tom has an issue with the number of dishes prepared—the tortellini were dessert-like, the pizza crusts were dry and hard, the horseradish sauce was flavorless and the beef was overcooked. Tom stresses that the key to the simple food was good flavoring and it just wasn’t there.

The judges then ask about the toasted bread for the bruschetta. Dale says that’s another thing he did—he did almost everything! He busted his ass! He banged it out! Spike challenges him to go ahead and say what he really meant. Spike thinks his prep work, though maybe less in volume, was harder with all of the vegetables. Tom then tells Spike that they actually did like his sea bass, which causes Dale to comment that they should, since it took him three hours to make.

The losing team is sent away for some deliberation. The judges note that Spike did the well-received fish, but not much else. The vegetables were a lot of work, but the work didn’t pay off in results. Clearly there was an ego war, but Gail notes that if Dale thought he had too much to do, he should have edited the list. Nikki was a huge disappointment to Tom, since she had the Italian experience but the food didn’t come out all that Italian. The judges wonder why she didn’t take the lead and the risk and tailor the menu to her expertise.

The bottom four are called back in to hear the result. Tom recaps by saying the menu was too big and there was no focus on flavor. Dale did the bulk of the work but they didn’t care for his work. Nikki had the experience but didn’t use it as an asset. Spike didn’t carry his load. And Tom says nothing about Lisa, so I’m sure she was smirking even if I didn’t quite see it. Padma then tells Nikki to pack her knives and go. Nikki exits saying she was proud of what she did and of how far she got in the competition. She’s glad to go back to her family and her restaurant. And I’m glad she’s finally off my television screen.

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