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Last week poor little Noelle, buoyed by the strength of her family at her side, finally opened up to the Bachelor of the Minute, Matt, only to be abruptly shot down. Ah, dear Noelle, I hope you now realize you’re much better off seeking a man on your own terms than to be a marionette controlled by the puppeteer extraordinaire, Fleiss. So on that note, let’s check in on Matt and our remaining three stooges, as they get down on it in Barbados for the Fantasy Suite dates. Oh, and I’d like to point out that once again ABC has failed to post pictures from this week’s show on their website. What kind of lame operation is Fleiss running over there? *shakes fist*

Exposing the Ho King

Matt is full of adjectives as he packs for Barbados - “excited” “smitten” and “pleased” are just a few of the words he uses to describe himself. He considers himself the “luckiest guy in Barbados,” and as he explains that these dates will be longer and more intimate, it’s decidedly clear why he’s so excited. We Bachelor fans know all about the Fantasy Dates, and I do believe he’s been informed of all the frolicking *coughsexcough* that lays ahead for him. It’s a foregone conclusion that most (if not all) the potential Mrs. Grants (hahahah, still laughing) will be sleeping with Mr. Lucky himself before the show ends. Yes, folks, it’s good to be The Bachelor Ho!

Some Ho’s Love Clothes

The first date is with Shayne, and trust me, I’ve got my stopwatch out and am fully prepared to see if she continues to monopolize the show again tonight (not that that’s her fault - oh no, I place the blame squarely on Fleiss). Matt waits for her along the shoreline, and she runs into Matt’s waiting arms. (Damn, I was hoping we’d get to see how much luggage it took to get Shayne’s clothes, watches, shoes, handbags and sunglasses to the island, rats). Matt loves her enormous, floppy hat, although in order for him to get a satisfying kiss from her, it must be removed. As she stands on tip-toe in order to plant another kiss on her big man, she tells us she’s 100% in love with him.

They spend the day on wave runners, side-by-side gliding along the water until they reach a trampoline anchored in the middle of the ocean. I’d give my left arm to know how much dough Fleiss coughed up for this scenario just so he could get footage of Shayne doing the splits high in the air in a bathing suit. Well now that I think about it, I might not be so willing to give my whole arm…maybe just below the elbow…um…well maybe just below the wrist…er…well maybe my pinkie…yeah, that’s the ticket. I’d give my left pinkie to know how much money changed hands for the trampoline. Pervy Matt lays on the bottom of the trampoline, looking up at Shayne’s crotch (for the best vantage point, doncha know) and tells us she looks great. Lovely. I’d personally like to thank cameraman Skippy for keeping the camera above Matt’s waist, focused only on his face. *shudder* There’s a lot of kissing, cuddling and laughing and Matt tells us they’ve always (always, as in the past four weeks, that is) had “brilliant” (drink!) chemistry. He says he looks forward to finding out more about the ‘serious’ side of Shayne tonight. I’ll bet he does.

The sun has set, they’ve dressed for dinner and Shayne, wearing a silky mini dress, approaches Matt. He thinks she looks amazing (drink!) and they sit down to a private candlelit feast. Matt informs her about the conversation he had with her mother where she talked about the horror in witnessing your lover kissing another actor on the big screen. This prompts Shayne to demonstrate the technical aspects of an on-screen kiss. As Matt pretends to be Brad Pitt (which in itself demonstrates the incredible imagination of these two) she explains how only the top lip is used in kissing, and that the tongue never, ever comes into play. They practice and when Matt breaks character by slipping her the tongue, they have a good laugh together.

Getting serious, Matt compliments Shayne on being independent and smart-thinking but calls her on playing the blonde sex-kitten role. Shayne says she loves being blonde and confesses to having been a blonde since she was, oh, about 12 or 13, heh. Then in as vague a manner as possible, she says she is always herself and “if you know me, you know me.” Undeterred, Matt continues, saying he’s studied politics and he loves talking about the U.S. election. She interrupts saying she’s smart and that she knows what’s going on in the world. Well, it’s clear she knows what’s going on in the fashion world, but I have to admit - I see Shayne as one of those people who might be overheard saying they hope President Bush doesn’t get elected again in 2008, heh. Matt ends the conversation by saying he originally thought the fact that they’ve come from two different worlds would be their downfall but he now realizes it’s a positive thing. She takes his hand and asks him to be honest - can he really see them together? He says when he looks into her eyes he sees someone he could easily be with (ah, yes, but the clincher is, does he see them together for more than one week), and reminds her that she’s his “little monkey.” She claims her feelings are real and that she’s falling in love with him. Matt gets a little smirk on his face and admits to falling for her as well and says he loves being with her. They passionately kiss which is all the convincing Matt needs to present the Fantasy Suite invitation. Shayne pretends not to know what the card says (good acting skills, Shayne!) and she reads it aloud. Matt can hardly contain himself as Shayne spends several minutes toying with him, pretending to contemplate the decision. Eventually she agrees, they kiss and laugh and stroll up to their “gorgeous little villa in Barbados” to seal the deal. As we watch them caress and kiss, using tongues I might add, in voice-over Matt tells us he was “deeply touched” *cue Beavis and Butthead chortle* when she said she was falling for him. He says the only thing that marred the event was realizing there are two other women who are waiting in the wings. Ah yes, those other pesky wimmen-folk. Oh, and by the way, Shayne garnered a total of eight (8) minutes of footage.

Look Out Below, It’s a Zip-Lining Ho

Next up is Amanda and Matt tells us he’s been attracted to her right from the beginning. He feels she has a lot to offer and reminds us she pulled off a “great prank” on her hometown visit (like we could ever forget FakeMom’s nipple pinching). As she approaches him in her shorts and tank top, Matt yells, “looking hawt!” Let me guess - Matt worked in construction during the summer when he was a teenager, right? She tells us she thinks about Matt constantly, and although she has felt she was in love before, pshaw, this is what she’s been waiting for.

Although they both have a fear of heights, their day will be spent hanging from a zip-line. They don their helmets and other various safety gear, then take off one at a time. Amanda goes first and meeps as she prepares to launch. She says she’s glad Matt pushes her to do things outside her comfort zone and as she returns to the platform he calls out, “good job, honey!”

Time flies quickly when it comes to filming these two, and suddenly the sun has set and they’re rejoining each other for dinner. She’s excited to be going to the Fantasy Suite (no pretending with this gal) but she’s worried Matt won’t want to extend the offer to her. Really? Does she honestly think a Fleiss Bachelor would pass up the chance to bed all three remaining women before he proposes (har-de-har-har) to the lucky girl? Pffft. I can’t see that happening. Ever. Especially with this Bachelor. They enjoy dinner on the beach with the waves breaking just beyond them. She tells Matt he’s probably noticed she has trouble expressing her emotions, but she assures him it’s due to her, not him. She worries that she’s falling for him but he may not realize it because she hasn’t voiced it out loud. Toss in about 100 ‘like’s’ and you’ve got Amanda’s like, confession, like. Sheesh, serve her a candlelit dinner under the stars and she, like, turns into a 12-year-old pubescent, like, schoolgirl. He appreciates her opening up (no kidding) and says he’s felt a connection (drink!) with her from the start. She says she wants a life with him and… Ding! Ding! Ding! Know what time it is, kids? That’s right, it's Fantasy Suite invitation time! She reads the card as Matt stares intently at her, and she immediately jumps at the chance to ‘fantasize’ with Matt.

They walk up to the room and as they sit on the bed he tells her he really enjoys being with her. He believes they make a good couple and he understands why it’s hard for her. (Go ahead, make your own joke here, heh). They passionately kiss and he runs his fingers along her bare leg. She confides to us she thinks she could spend the rest of her life with him, but she is afraid of getting hurt. Amanda’s footage time…six (6) minutes. Two women down, one to go, Matt. *thumbs up*

This Ho Blows (but not in the way you think, or does she?)

Matt tells us his relationship with Chelsea is like a roller coaster, but he feels they made some headway (heh) during the hometown visit. He wants the “romance to get straight in.” (Therein lies another perfect joke so I’m going to let you all take it away yourselves, because I’m giving like that). As Chelsea walks toward him, he wolf-whistles at her, again proving he learned some skills on a construction site at some point in his life. It’s a day of sailing for the couple, and they climb aboard a catamaran and are immediately given glasses of wine, because as you all know, nothing assures a fun day like the rocking of a boat on the open water and liquor. (Not that I’d know anything about that, ahem). By the way, Mr. Rose took me sailing on his catamaran in the Pacific Ocean on one of our first dates and I thought he was trying to kill me. The boat ‘turtled’ which means it turned completely upside down with the mast pointing to the bottom of the ocean. When this happened, I was locked in the harness, hanging out over the water and I swear, it was so cold when I hit the water, I shot up and out of there so fast I think I walked on water. Just to make it clear, thank goodness we weren’t drinking that day or I probably wouldn’t be recapping right now. But I digress...

Matt says Chelsea’s parents were great and she tells him her mom really loves him so if things don’t work out between the two of them…then she breaks off laughing. Matt looks annoyed and later tells us it was awkward between them, and I figure only time will tell if he’ll let that little ‘problem’ get in the way of bedding her, too. They sunbathe on the boat deck and the wind billows his t-shirt up exposing his upper abdomen. What is that? As his shirt lifts, there’s clearly something large and white along the upper part of his stomach. Is he wearing a girdle of some sort? What is that? Talk about annoying…the not knowing what that is, annoys the hell out of me. Grrr.

There’s a lot of uncomfortable small talk as the day moves along. At one point Matt grabs her hand intertwining her fingers in his and she blurts out how stupid it is to link fingers like that. Completely frustrated, he asks us privately, “what is with this woman?” Then he hangs his head, rubs his eyes and says this was the “worst date.” I fully expected him to take a cue from Chris Harrison and say it was the “worst date. EVER!” But, no. *sigh*

They jump into the water to snorkel and swim with the sea turtles. They play amongst the turtles, but Matt is frustrated when he realizes he’s having more interaction and eye contact with the turtles than with her. He’s “gutted” by the experience, and hopes Chelsea will come to dinner in a completely different frame of mind. Poor Matt. [/sarcasm]

He heads to dinner with a sullen attitude because Chelsea hasn’t been hanging on his every word. He tells us if she’s not feeling it for him, that’s fine, but he’d like to know for sure. Frankly, I notice he hasn’t shaved since he’s been there, and I wonder if she doesn’t like the scratchy whiskers. He says if there was a show for The Bachelor’s Friend, she’d have already won it, then directly asks her if there’s a problem. Avoiding direct eye contact with him, Chelsea says she’s very passionate about everything she does but she’s disturbed the other girls are here, too. She’s afraid of being hurt and admits to caring for him more than she expected. Coyly, she says she thinks they can be great together and hopes she gets the chance to show him. Oh, I have a strong suspicion, she’ll get the chance all right…now where did he put that Fantasy Date invitation? Sure enough, he whips it out (hey, I’m talking about the invitation here, get your minds out of the gutter, people!) and she enthusiastically says she would LOVE to spend the evening with him and wouldn’t have it any other way. Score!

They head upstairs to the love chamber awash in candles as usual and sit together. He begins rambling something about getting his way with her, and although I think he’s one of the randiest Bachelors. Ever! for some reason I’m inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that perhaps this is an English expression for getting along with someone? He says he’s almost “said too much” and stops short of continuing his sentence. She tells him she has a surprise for him and then peels off her dress with her back to the camera, which then zooms in on her panties. Good God, she’s got “pretty” emblazoned on them in rhinestones. Well. I guess we know for sure who ended up with Marshana’s Bedazzler! Still with her back to the camera (and Matt, who is sitting on the couch sipping champagne as he enjoys the mediocre, lackluster [to me] striptease) she then pulls on a black sheer negligé. Criminey, aren’t her parents watching this show? Matt tells us when Chelsea walked over to him saying she wanted to show him her “romantic” side, his heart dropped. I’m thinking his heart may have dropped, but it’s probably a safe bet that some other organ of his shot straight up skyward. She says she wants to be with him until the very end, and then some. Chelsea will be thrilled to hear that after her display of ‘emotion,’ Matt says he’s more conflicted than ever. Chelsea garnered six (6) minutes of show time, two of which were a lame attempt at soft porn courtesy of Fleiss. It’s no wonder this show has been moved to the 10:00pm timeslot. Crikey.

A Ho Disposed

The ladies are lined up waiting on their English prince and he finally stands to face them. He can’t believe he has to break someone’s heart, poor baby. He breathes a heavy sigh, probably not dissimilar to the previous nights’ heavy breathing, and thanks them for taking this journey (drink!) with him. The first rose goes to Shayne, and the final rose is presented to Chelsea. Amanda looks stunned. Then angry. He walks her over to a little bench and she says she’s shocked. He says he truly felt everything he ever told her, but she calls him out on it saying that doesn’t even make sense. He says she has virtually everything he was looking for but his heart told him he had a closer connection (drink!) with the other two ladies. Ouch. But she still doesn’t understand because he convinced her his feelings were true. His sad attempt to help her understand is to tell her that he feels a lot for her but he just doesn’t feel enough. He puts her into the limo then is probably more than happy to waltz back to the other two women he’ll continue leading on, until Fleiss gives him the nod that it’s time for the big reveal. Meanwhile back in the limo, Amanda says this is difficult, and she only opened up to him because she believed they would be getting married. Now...I get that this is always a shock to the jilted women because the nature of the show is such that the Bachelor gives false hope to everyone until the very last minute. I get that. But Amanda honestly thought after a few short weeks, they’d be getting married? Wow, I'm speechless.

Matt strolls back to the other ladies who are still waiting for him, not unlike puppies waiting on the return of their owner. Everyone toasts to their upcoming trips to London to meet Matt’s parents, and I wish them all good luck in furthering their Bachelor journey (drink!). They’re going to need it.

Next week is the Women Tell All episode, so you know we’ll be having a good time then. Woot! So tell me what you think...does Matt wear a girdle? Let me know via a pm here.