Yoffy lifts a finger...
Survivor: "Johnson, You Have a Problem" - Episode 8 recap.
It’s happy times at Jacare as the demise of Roger is celebrated by laughing at his stray pair of underpants he left behind.
Rob – let’s put them on the flagpole.
Jenna – shouldn’t we boil them first?
Deena – No, let’s put them on a tree.
When she takes three attempts to place them where two beams meet at the front of the shelter and not on a tree, she knows her power in the tribe is such that none of the others would dare to correct her anyway.
Mercifully Rob resists the temptation to make a “wedgie” reference by stating the pants are stuck in a crack.
Deena confessional- Roger is a sexist, arrogant man. I’m in control, even if my panties are on fire.
Deena confirms by that statement that she and Roger really only differ by a “wo” and after claiming Jeanne was sweating in hers and now playing with Roger’s she reveals a startling obsession with underpants.
Dave still looks a little shell-shocked after last night’s vote.
Let me assist you Dave…
4Xx+3Xy = -1 bigot.
Dave confessional- What happened last night was a prime example of how no one knows what’s going on in this game.
Hmmm, not really true that Dave. I’ll illustrate for you again, but this time, thanks to your inspiration, via the use of prime numbers…
3 people did know what was going on, 7 didn’t. You and Butch are left as an alliance of 2 needing to gain 5 votes in total to avoid being eliminated.
Dave and Butch decide the best thing to do to clear their heads is build a dock.
Good idea. When you’re staring elimination from a $1m game in the face, building a dock is always the way to go.
Dave – Let’s get four logs and see what they look like.
My guess Dave, they’ll look like four logs.
Butch of course, simply follows Dave’s lead. I wonder who decided to give Butch that nickname. Was there ever a person with a less fitting nickname? Perhaps it’s like calling a tall guy “Tiny” or a bald guy “Curly”. There’s a word for that, but ironically I can’t think what it is.
They chop down three trees relatively easily, but the canopy of the fourth gets stuck in the canopy of another. Dave scales tree five to release tree four, which is hugely annoying to Rob who thinks he should have simply cut down another tree.
Yes Rob, why not cut down all the trees? Who needs them anyway? It’s not like trees help us breathe or anything. Ronald Frickin’ McDonald.
Rob – ugh, look at him with all his muscles, he’s such a show-off. If it weren’t for him the chicks would totally want to get with me. I hate him.
Not as much as you hate yourself I’ll wager, Rob.
Dave wasn’t at Jaburu with you and you couldn’t “score” there either, even with Shawna who proved so user-friendly she makes “Word” look unfathomable.
Apparently Matt’s liking for a good sharp machete is causing problems to the power alliance.
Rob – Matt’s crazy, I’ve been living with him 24 hours a day.
Perhaps you were what tipped him over the edge then Rob.
Deena – Oh look everyone, Matt’s sharpening his machete…again.
Jenna – If you’re planning to butcher us you should kill the fattest first. Then at least fat people won’t be the last thing I see before I die.
Matt – Hey guys, I’m a pacifist.
Really Matt, how does that jive with your serial killing?
Matt – I’m scared of human blood, I’m scared of my own blood.
Your blood is human blood isn’t it Matt? Unless…
Christy declares he’s creepy…creepy…creepy.
Deena – Hahaha!! He’s still sharpening his machete everyone.
Jenna – Yep, I know hahaha!!!
Yep, he’s also sitting right beside you Deena. Thankfully she stops short of erecting a “Come meet the freak” sign.
You know what Rob? I have no idea why he needs his machete so sharp.
I seriously doubt he’ll kill you all if he gets voted out though. I’d be pretty happy if he “offed” you though. You’ll be ok, virgins get straight into heaven, no questions asked.
Alex Matt’s kinda losing it.
If someone would simply shout out “We’re all gonna die”, we could move off the subject of Matt and his sharp machete and creepy… creepy…creepiness.
We end this segment with a lingering look at Matt. His brow furrowed he looks as though he’s concentrating very hard. Probably still trying to think of the Mandarin word for “firm”.
Heavy black clouds roll across the screen, pierced only by MB’s favourite “the sun as a six pointed star” image, that confirms Ethan will win S6.
We’re suddenly transported to the reward challenge. And I’ve lost all track of the days.
If this were The Mole, we’d know for certain Dave was being booted as Jiff explains the rules, again via the use of prime numbers.
Two rounds, three teams, five flags, one winner.
Jiff You’ll be tied to a bungee cord in teams of three. You have to get five flags that are further and further away, meaning there will be more resistance on the cord.
Oh and you have to do all this in a muddy pool because we want the bathing scenes.
Heidi and Jenna are drawn in the same team and simply have to win because it’s impossible for anything to resist them.
Can we please take this opportunity to congratulate MB on providing the crappiest reward in the history of Survivor?
A cold bath and some ice cream. Ok, what does the winner get Jiff?
I know it’s hot out there, but come on a cold bath and some ice cream? That’s a crap reward, completely crap.
Anyhoo, they are randomly split into teams of three.
Dave, Deena and Alex are the purple team, they are clearly going to win this unless one of them purposely tries to lose.
Heidi, Jenna and Matt are the orange team and proving once and for all that no, you cannot catch a break Rob, and he has to be tied to Christy and Butch on the green team.
So the challenge begins and we note that while there is resistance on the bungee cord there really isn’t enough to whip the Survivor’s back to the stake they’re tethered to.
What kind of fun is that?
Matthew collects the first flag first, followed closely by Dave’s team.
Matthew is doing well and grabs the second flag first too, at which point he falls back and smacks Jenna in the face causing her to fall down too. Now that’s more like it.
The Christy, Butch, Rob, team is lagging behind for the duration of the race.
Jenna scrambles back to the post grabbing at her bikini bottom which has nestled in the crack of her arse for the third time during the challenge.
No peanut butter, no butt cheek Burnett, you know the rules.
Deena, Dave and Alex, having won stage one of the challenge now have to fight it out head to head to be declared the overall winner and claim the prize.
Knowing he was next on the chopping block, you might think Dave would want to play it a little more low-key and perhaps throw the challenge. Maybe he did want to, but Alex was very poor and Deena was too busy squatting to quench her panty fire, to put up a challenge. Victory to Dave, who now has the always-difficult task of choosing a reward partner.
Diplomatically, he indicates that both Deena and Alex need to choose whether he has one or two fingers raised behind his back. Alex gives Deena the first guess. She goes with two because, well it’s obviously two, no one would raise one finger, unless it was in direct response to an amorous advance by Rob. He should have made them choose between two and three fingers. There’s mystique in that choice. It could be two, it could be three. It’s never, ever going to be one.
I would say that this was a pretty fair way to decide who should accompany you on a challenge, Jenna does not appear to agree as she has her big pouty lip face on.
After a quick commercial break we’re back in the thick of the action.
Now, I have gone on record stating this to be the worst reward in Survivor history.
In case there were any naysayers, saying, uh, nay to that opinion, please let me present you with my case-winning piece of evidence.
Jiff, Deena and Dave walk to the reward challenge. They walk, they freakin’ walk.
Their getaway afternoon is just round the corner.
How incredibly cut-price of you Mark. We know he didn’t blow the budget on the idol this season, so why the walking? Next thing you know, the ice cream will be melted and they’ll have to bathe in a trough.
Jiff – Here you go guys, welcome to your reward. Melty ice cream then trough bath or trough bath then melty ice cream, the choice is yours.
Deena heads straight for the brownie sundae while Dave makes light work of the strawberries. Despite the ooh and ahhs, they seem highly under whelmed and it’s not long before they’ve polished everything off and strip down for their baths, which are divided by a curtain.
Dave tells us he’s never used a loofah in his life. I think there are lots of things Dave’s never done in his life. Honesty, integrity and what not probably prevent him from doing some things. He’s clearly fiddling with Dave Jr. below the water so that must be permissible.
Deena – The District attorney and the rocket scientist.
Both Dave and Deena find this sentence hilarious. Perhaps it was the punch line to a really funny joke. Hmmm, what joke would appeal equally to a D.A and a Rocket scientist?
Probably something like “Who are the two smartest people in the Amazon?”
While I personally don’t find this very funny, possibly because I’m neither, but when I come to think about it, those laughs did have a rather smug quality to them.
Dave –How bitchin’ is this?
Internationally Adopted Bitchin’ Scale
1 – So totally not.
2 – Whatevuh!!!!
3 – Mary Kate and Ashley (cool, but not yet “bitchin”)
4 – Sweet
5 – Awesome
6 – Tubular
7 – Totally.
You decide folks.
Laying on your stomach in the trough seems to be equally hilarious to these two.
Dave – You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that, in the proverbial sense, I’m f----d.
Uh, since when has “I’m f----d been a proverb?
Deena – I’d like to do something for you Dave, but I have no power.
She barely conceals a smirk as she says this.
They discuss “accelerating” Matt’s 51-50 status. I have no idea what this means, none at all. Apparently, this is the only solution to keep Dave in the game.
Do you think they “get” the fact that they can’t all win? Me either.
Back at camp, Heidi and Jenna are not best pleased at the way the afternoon has gone.
Jenna is not impressed that this is “Dave’s third time eating”, beautiful sentence structure Jenna, English major were we? Heidi thinks it’s “so wrong” that Dave is having his second shower.
Uh Heidi, Jiff clearly said a bath in cold water, not a shower.
Perhaps they shouldn’t have wasted their best negotiating tool on peanut butter last week.
Question for the producers?
Why the long lingering cleavage shots of Heidi?
a) You’re running a book on when they’ll split right through her chest.
b) You’re providing her with evidence for when she sues the plastic surgeon.
c) Public service announcement “Too much peroxide can cause you to do this…”
Whatever way, can you please stop it?
They decide to go off behind a tree and wash off the mud. Why so modest ladies?
Of course they pick a twiggy tree so the guys can still see them.
Alex – Let us know if you need any help. Here, you can borrow this fuzzy, orange thing. I’m not sure where I got it from but it’s great for removing grime. Also, just when you think it’s about to “die”, bring it to within 50 feet of me and it’ll get instantly better.
Rob leers at them as we would expect. He says he doesn’t think they’d pay him any attention in the “real world”.
They’re not paying you a whole lot of attention now Rob.
He salaciously forms manioc balls with his hands.
Deena and Dave arrive back to shrugs and “oh, it’s you’s” from the tribe.
Being smug about a reward will annoy your tribe mates. Acting like you had a shit day will annoy them even more. As will telling them the ice cream was melty and the bath was cold, then saying you’re hungry while swishing your newly clean hair in their faces.
Jenna confessional – Deena just loaded up on ice cream and then came back to eat my manioc and fish.
The confessional was delivered in the cold light of day, so Jenna obviously stewed on this all night.
Jenna – I just thought, screw you, you fat pig.
Yep, that Deena’s piling ‘em on isn’t she? She’s chubbing right up, the sow.
We cut back to the previous evening and find the Survivor’s sitting round the fire eating before heading off to bed.
Dave and Heidi sleep snuggled together which obviously annoys Rob immensely.
Rob, Dave’s a rocket scientist, he’s duty bound to show interest in anything that defies gravity.
Day 23 I think. I’ve completely lost track.
Today’s “Life is hard in the Amazon” moment is bought to us via the use of gnats and a confessional and voiceover from Rob about gnat’s buzzing round people’s heads.
If they’re just buzzing round in formation then I don’t really see the problem myself.
It certainly doesn’t rival the “we’re eating rats” of Pulua Tiga or the “shit, I just fell into the fire” of the Outback.
Rob decides that now is as good a time as any to have his daily talk down to Matthew.
He forces Matt to sit on a stump so he can stand and tower over him in intimidating fashion.
Rob – Ok, here’s what we’ll do Matt, if Dave wins immunity we’ll boot off Butch.
Matt – Uh ok Rob, I completely trust you because you play this game so well.
Rob - That’s right.
With a quick pat on Matt’s head he leads them back to camp, admonishing him to “keep this a secret”. How very, “fourth grade” of you Rob. That’s quite and improvement actually.
Tree mail arrives in the form of a pile of crates, each bearing the name of one of the Survivor’s and containing a mask.
Jenna – Do we each get our own mask?
Uh, why do you think they put your names on the crates then Jenna? Just had an excess of white paint and thought, “what the hell?”
They carry the crates back to camp and distribute them to their teammates. Jenna takes a back seat in this process because she can’t figure out who to give each mask too.
They are supplied with paints so they can decorate their masks to look more like themselves.
Dave states his goal is to make sure Matt doesn’t win immunity. Couple this with all the “crazy ass Matt” footage this week and we know Matt is safe.
For some reason Jiff decides to act as though he’s never seen the masks before.
Jiff – Oh cool Butch, yours has glasses. Nice hair on your mask Deena.
He takes the necklace from Deena and explains the rules of he “Honorary John Carroll Chopathon”. They will be asked questions about Brazilian and Amazonian culture. If you get the question right you can chop a rope holding a tree trunk. Three chops and the trunk will swing and smash your mask and you’re out.
As always with this challenge, even if you get the question right you can still have your rope chopped, which always seems a little unfair to me. After question one, which Dave and Mathew both got right, they are down to one chop left each thanks to their tribe mates.
Everyone, apart from Jenna and Butch, answers question two correctly.
Matt and Dave receive their third chops and are out. Alex receives all three chops in this round, the final one coming courtesy of Christy who then “combination potatoes” Deena, proving once again that if everyone else jumped off a cliff Christy would indeed follow them.
Two question wrong for Jenna and still no chops. The men are far too busy trying to eliminate each other and we see this challenge degenerate into the Survivor equivalent of a full on tackle out fertility ceremony.
On to question three which everyone gets right apart from Rob. His comment about thinking a “Bush master” was a porn star illicits the biggest show of disapproval from Jiff since Clay challenged his authority by writing his vote as “Bye Bye Denver Diva”, contravening Jiff’s “no nickname” policy.
Question three sees the demise of Rob, who does at least have the decency to look embarrassed.
Question 4 was the biggest “gimme” in Survivor question history.
Jiff – Amazon tribesmen still use primitive weapons to hunt birds and monkeys. True or false?
Now I’m not sure why they thought anyone would get this question wrong. Perhaps Deena would question why Jiff only referred to tribesmen and refuse to answer. Perhaps Jenna and Heidi would think it was a trick question because “you so totally cannot eat monkeys…can you?”
Perhaps the plan was to have everyone get it right, hence more chopping. I don’t know, but it was a really easy question.
After a couple more questions we’re left with only Jenna and Heidi with “lives” left.
I wonder exactly how long they were standing there until at least one of them got a question right and we could proceed with the game Perhaps that’s why they were trying to confuse us with the days this week, I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually had to finish the challenge the following day.
Jenna had two chops left, Heidi only one. So with Jena getting the right answer we see her chop Heidi’s final rope and not for the first time, Heidi has a log shoved in her face.
Victory to Jenna.
Back from the break, the reason Matt was sharpening his machete becomes evident.
He wants to cut up his running shoes to make sandals. Uh, right. If you see Matthew on the street I would advise not to approach him.
Dave is trying to save his skin and put Matt on the block, but to no avail. Christy would vote for Matt, due to his creepiness no doubt, but she’s lost the ability to think for herself and must…obey…Deena.
Tribal council was really just a formality.
Rob was extremely patronizing about Matt and Heidi giggles as she tells us how it was “rillee instristeen” how the guys eliminated themselves and left the girls standing at the IC.
Jiff tried his best to introduce some drama into the “tally”.
Jiff Dave, Matt. One vote Dave, one vote Matt.
Nice try Jiff.
He finishes off with five more votes for Dave and the rocket man has his torch snuffed.
Deena didn’t try to save him at all. I guess her pants really were on fire.
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