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This is a tale of three dumb people stuck in a house, vying for the right to advance to the final stage of a long-drawn-out competition show that featured a dozen people almost nobody cared about – and still doesn't – to win a prize that probably nobody thinks they deserve. Not that anybody deserves to win anything on Big Brother unless they're the love child of Dr. Will and a mainframe computer, but the question of who is deserving of what and how much has been a recurring theme on this wretched season of Big Brother. I thought I deserved a good show with interesting people playing head games with each other and strategizing toward a clever final showdown. What I got instead was a bunch of morons who spent three months wasting my time with their stupidity, religious hypocrisy and disgusting personal habits punctuated by activities that would have made Hugh Hefner blush. Be glad that CBS opted to helpfully snip out the worst of the worst and you don't know what the hell I'm talking about.
We're down to Baller, owner of two horrifically bulging eyeballs, Ryan, the cocky little bitch, and Sheila, with better and more prolific tear ducts than Marcellas, Amber and Ivette all rolled into one. Let's get to it before I give in to an overwhelming urge to just tell you who the final two are and put us all out of our misery.
Deserving to stay and become a pawn
On this Day 77 in the house, the Chenbot is looking perky. She's probably been dreaming of the end like all of us. We last saw the last three furry rodents hanging from a rope, sitting on surfboards fighting to hold on in the first part of the final HoH competition. Freezing rain, thunder and lightning is making the three hamsters miserable, with Sheila having the worst of it. She talks about how water terrifies her because she nearly drowned more than a decade ago in Hawaii. Well, that's terrible, but considering that the water in the backyard can't be deeper than a foot and production people are standing by somewhere off camera, her fears are a bit exaggerated. It doesn't help that Adam taunts her and asks for the platform to be made steeper while Ryan the bitch is grinning from ear to ear. They laugh maniacally and tell her that she was out the door, close to being voted out last time.
In B&W flashbacks, Sheila bawls hysterically talking about Adam being her best friend in the house while Ryan confesses that he let Adam bloody his hands with the eviction while he's sitting pretty. Adam feelt good about his decision as well; he knows Sheila would take him to the finals and so would Ryan. Adam outlines his reasons for keeping Sheila, saying she is mentally weak and can be broken down. Sharon is a tougher cookie. He approaches Ryan to strike a deal and get rid of Sharon. He promises the stars and the moon to Ryan in exchange for Sharon's eviction. They plot to be the final two. Ryan believes him and sees the wisdom of Sharon leaving. In the aftermath of the eviction, Sheila sobs uncontrollably and says she wants the Baller to go with her to final two.
Deserving to surf and become a sitting duck
Back on the cold water slide, Sheila is freezing and trying not to look at the water which reminds her of her Hawaii experience. Groan. Can she not shut up about it already? But she visualizes her son and tries to hang on even as both guys taunt her mercilessly. Finally, she drops claiming she decided to fall so she'd be able to play in the next competition. Of course. Adam gloats, saying he knew she'd drop. A bit later Ryan tells Adam to drop and then Ryan would be the one evicting Sheila. Adam says it's only fair since he got rid of Sharon and after assurances that Ryan got his back, he finally lets go and drops, making Ryan the winner of part one of the HoH competition. He will move on to the final phase of the competition while the other two need to battle it out for the privilege of facing him.
Ryan is ecstatic and confident of Adam's loyalty. Adam is happy about his position as well, having the other two people both in his corner, knowing either would take him to the final two.
Deserving to drop the ball
In round two of the competition they will play separately. The backyard is set up with a huge guinea pig wheel to which a giant maze is affixed. The maze contains 10 balls, secured in place by pins and having the face and name of a former house guest on it. They need to get the balls out of the maze and place it in correct order of their HoH wins under the pictures of houseguests. Once all the balls are placed and the buzzer is rung, their time will be recorded. The person who completes the challenge in the shortest time wins and moves on to battle Ryan live in the final leg of the competition.
Adam is up first and he tries to balance the wheel while trying to drop the balls out, which is not an easy task. He says it's all a balancing act. Sheila has a tougher time, falling and getting frustrated about how hard the task is. She is dizzy and nauseated, but finally manages to ring the buzzer. Ryan reveals the results and Sheila completed the task in 33 minutes and 26 seconds. Adam tells her he did very poorly, giving her some hope but in fact he only took 14 minutes and 55 seconds, making him the winner of round two. Sheila is dismayed and tells Adam that her fate is in his hands. She says he needs to win the final leg so he can be in control and take her to the final two. He says he'll do his best. Oh, I'm sure he will. He assures her that he'll take her to the final two. Of course. Once Sheila is out of the room, though, they both gloat and high five each other, happy that they did it and that the game is over. Now this could make even an astronaut loose his lunch. Adam says he'll win half a million dollars, shocking Ryan a bit and prompting him to think about keeping Sheila.
Deserving to be caught
Live with the hamsters in the Living Room, Julie chats with Sheila about being powerless and she expresses hope that somebody will take her to the final two. She says Adam looks good to her now. Julie asks each one of them to say how confident they are that the jury will vote for them on a scale of 1 to 10. Need I tell you what these cowards said or can you guess? Ryan lowballs it to a 3, Sheila works it to a 4 and Adam confesses to a 5. What? Once Ryan said three was three taken forever? They all downplay their chances and list things that might make the jury not vote for them. I won't bore you with it all.
To kill some more time, we get to visit with the inmates at the Jury House. Matt and Joshie are buddy-buddy, grilling together and laughing together. Natalie says that her Matty won't talk to her much, leaving the room when she enters. Can't blame him. She says when Matty is mean her feelings for him “go down the tubes”. And he is mean a lot. She complains to Joshie that Matty is mean who calls Matty out a bit, but he's not terribly apologetic, offering only a thin “I'm sorry” at which Natalie can only shake her head.
When Sharon walks into the house, some are dismayed, while others, like Matt are happy. Josh is sad because he thinks Sharon deserved to win. There's again the talk of who deserves to win. They all sit down to watch the week's events and remark on Sheila's waterworks. Eagle-eyed Chelsia notices Adam shaking his head and silently communicating with Ryan behind Sharon's back. This convinces them all that Adam and Ryan are in cahoots with each other and they backstabbed Sharon.
Deserving to be questioned
Finally, it's time to move on to the final leg of the HoH competition. Ryan and Adam are sitting in the Living Room, separated by a tall divider. In front of them is a triangle with the letter A or B on it. Julie will present 6 statements made by the jury members and two possible endings for each. They need to select whether the jury member went with A or B to end their statement. Each correct answer will earn one point. The person with the most points after 6 questions will become the winner of the final leg of the competition:
After six questions, Ryan wins by a point, becoming the final HoH and earning the right to pick the other furry hamster who will be holding out their greedy little paw for half a million dollars.
- Matt said “The houseguest I wished I was nicer to was”: A) Natalie, or B) James. Correct answer is Natalie. They both get it right and get a point.
- Chelsia said “The moment I'm most expecting to read about in my hometown paper”: A) that I gave up half a million dollars for a showmance, or B) that I told everyone off on my way out the door. Correct answer is A. They both get it wrong and earn no points.
- Joshua said “The person who most deserves to win this game is”: A) myself, or B) Sharon. The correct answer is A. Only Ryan gets it right earning a point, putting him in the lead.
- James said “I think what will happen between me and Chelsia is”: A) Chelsia and I will bike around the world together, or B) my relationship with Chelsia will invevitably sink. The correct answer is B. They're both correct, each earning a point.
- Natalie said “The best showmance this season was”: A) me and Matty, or B) James and Chelsia. The correct answer is B. They both get it wrong and earn no points.
- Sharon said “The biggest lie I told in the house was”: A) my back caused me to fall in the HoH Glass House competition, or B) I never told a lie in the Big Brother house. The correct answer is A. They both get it right earning a point.
Deserving to hit the road
Now that the final showdown is at an end, Ryan has the honor of picking his final two mate, but not before each can plead their case one final time. And this time, it actually might make a difference. Well, hypothetically at least. Adam speaks first and tells Ryan they've been together the whole game, never mind Sheila sitting right next to him and hearing all probably thinking “hey, wasn't I who was with you the whole entire game?” He says some other things about being bros and partners and such and his voice breaks dramatically in just the right places. Ryan nods solemnly. Sheila starts sobbing and works her way through a tear-soaked speech full of “you carried me through the game” and reminders of her loyalty and more tears. I fast forwarded, because I.Just.Can't.Listen.To.Her.Any more. I press play in time to hear her saying she'd be happy to be picked. But would she stop bawling?? Looks like Ryan might have had the same thought, probably weighing the next four days in the house with Sheila yapping and sobbing, because he finally stands up and deems them both deserving in different ways, however he thinks Adam is more deserving as a player. He finally votes to evict Sheila. You can guess what she does next.
Waterworks, hugs, more tears and she's finally out the door to meet the Chenbot. Adam smirks nastily as she walks out the door and gesticulates maniacally behind her back. He accuses her of “playing it the whole time” as if that matters anymore. Nasty little bug eyed thing can't be gracious even when he could really afford to be. All this as Sheila is watching him on the screen from the losers' bench. He is deserving indeed. Of a good kick in the... eyeballs.
Deserving to mourn the loss of good money
Sheila sobs through her interview with Julie, talking about Adam and how he's been her partner throughout the game. Julie asks her what she learned in the game that she might be able to teach her son. My jaw is hanging open thinking back at some of the nasty crap this sorry bunch did in the house and I'm wondering whether Julie is being facetious. Then again, this is the edited show, and she's pretending that the Live Feeds don't exist. Sheila says there were some horrible things in the house and brokenly sobs that she promised her son that she'd win the money but couldn't make good on her promise. There's more about disappointing her son and more broken sobbing and being in shock. I'll spare you the rest. After some fake vote-courting goodbye messages from Ryan the bitch and nasty Baller babbling like an inarticulate caveman – no offense to honest cavemen - , we're finally rid of Sheila.
On Sunday, one of these undeserving rodents will get half a million dollars to spend on hamster food and other incidentals. Will you watch? Save your sanity and skip the hypocrisy. Read AshleyPSU's way more deserving recap of the finale instead. Have a nice dinner out with normal people instead. You deserve it.
Deserving of thanks
Thanks to my excellent partners in crime AshleyPSU, lildago and wayward, and my millions and millions of dedicated readers!
The decision is in: we're getting very drunk while playing tic-tac-toe online. Cheers!