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Let’s have a show of hands from everybody that’s going to miss Jason. Anybody? No? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Not only could the dude not cook (OR remember the freakin’ dessert menu), but his personality was somewhat lacking, to put it mildly. But, not to worry. There's a new whipping boy in the form of Craig, who helped the guys lose the Great Chicken Challenge last week. Let's see how badly they screw up this week, shall we?

We join our cheflings fresh from the failure that was last week’s dinner service. Gordo sends them off to bed with a few sweetly worded goodnights, such as “punk” and “useless.” Ben is the punk in question, and he jokes with the guys about it. “He’s trying to test me,” claims Ben. No, he’s wondering why you tried to serve raw salmon last week, Ben the Electrician. Louross says that Chef is getting personal now. Now? Vanessa cries her way up to the girls room, knowing she can do better. The cheflings gather their thoughts and try to relax before hitting the sack - but Gordon has other plans. He tells them over the intercom to get their happy asses downstairs and clean up that filthy kitchen.


Yeah, that goes over like a lead balloon. Corey gets pissy because the other girls are talking too much instead of working, and heads upstairs to lie down. With work left to be done. This doesn’t endear her to her team mates, not that Corey is ever going to win Miss Popularity with them anyhow.

Morning comes, and with it, a fresh new opportunity to screw up. Gordon lines up the teams and asks the women who is their strongest person. Of course, Corey thinks highly of herself and raises her hand while the others snicker. Instead, they offer up Jen as their strongest. Gordo asks why not Corey, and they tell him about Corey’s non-cleaning up self the night before. Corey thinks they tattled because they’re feeling threatened. No, hon, they just don’t like you. The men unanimously pick Ben the Punk as their bestest chef.

Gordon proceeds to remind them of their utter suckage at the first three dinner services, and tonight things are going to change. For the first time ever, they’re going to have a family night dinner service. With kiddies. And a new menu. Because they didn’t have enough trouble memorizing the first one, I suppose.

The challenge tonight is Pasta Making 101. And none of that funky dried up boxed stuff, thank you very much, only fresh will do in Gordo’s kitchen. He demonstrates how to crank the dough through the machine by hand, flour it, and hang it to dry. The team with the most pounds of perfect pasta in twenty minutes wins. The guys think they have this one in the bag, since it’s all about speed and muscle power. Quality, guys, don’t forget the quality. You can see where this one’s going.

Jen isn’t worried that the men have strength on their side, because she’s going to make up for it in determination. And damned if she doesn’t pounce on that pasta roller with all her might, cranking the dough through like a wild women. Petrozza cranks it out for the guys, sweating up a storm while Matt stands at the end of the table with his arms sticking out, waiting for the pasta to be hung on him to dry. Except, the guys haven’t finished any pasta yet. So Matt just stands there looking like a big dumb coat rack. A coat rack with freaky, freaky eyebrows. Craig mucks up the pasta and gets shoved out of the way by Bobby, and Craig is now officially on the crap list.

After Gordon picks out the knots and sticky pasta, the men end up with 5.48 pounds and the women.....6.57 pounds. Guys lose. Again! They get to think about their failure as they spend the day prepping both kitchens. Before they go, the women rip into the guys for being slobs, and Christina berates Ben for leaving his “nasty spit cups” of tobacco juice on the counter. He goes to get it, telling her not to cry about it, and she rails back “I don’t leave tampons on the sink!” Indeed.

The women? Get another weird reward. This one is a trip to an amusement park/pier in a stretch Hummer. Last week was a restaurant with a mechanical bull. Yet the guys get to stuff their faces with lobster and caviar on a yacht? Mmm, okay. But, the girls have fun, so all is well. The men mutter and bitch back in the kitchen, with Craig wishing for the ferris wheel to collapse. Charming guy, that Craig. The sous chef gets Ben to volunteer to help outside. Too bad for Ben, he didn’t ask what it was first - he gets to shovel horse manure out of the outdoor playground set up for the kids. The girls arrive just in time to see him scooping up the meadow muffins, and he’s not a happy camper.

Time for the dinner service, and the kids are already packing the playground outside, working up an appetite. The girls worry because they’re just getting up to speed on the new menu, but Jen tells them to chill. “It’s burgers and pasta and onion rings - if we can’t do this, I don’t know what the hell we can do,” says Jen. The men try and pump up Craig, telling him this is his night. His night to do what, I don’t know. Craig, the little ingrate, doesn’t appreciate the pumping-up.

Gordon tells Jean-Phillipe to open Hell’s Kitchen, but before he does - he must take off the tie and loosen up his shirt a little. Jean-Phillipe balks at this, but Gordo insists. The doors open, and in pours the throngs of soon to be disappointed diners. Think the cheflings can handle mac ‘n cheese, onion rings, barbequed wings, and burgers? Think again.

The women start off well, getting their first appetizers out quickly. Ben sends out a plate of unseasoned onion rings and is promptly reamed by Gordon. The manure rally hits the fan, though, when Matt sends out undercooked chicken wings to one of the kids. Ramsay kicks, he screams, he brings up the nasty raw scallops that Matt called his signature dish way back in episode one. “It’s the tartare again with you, isn’t it?!” he snarls at Matt. Craig is happy that someone else is screwing up besides him.

Things are going smoothly on the women’s side, until Shayna torches something in a pan. Vanessa grabs the flaming pan to put it out, and ends up sloshing hot oil on her hand, burning it badly. She says the skin is peeling off as Rosann hollers for some ice. Someone smears ointment on it instead. Ouch. She gets carted off to the hospital, and Gordon tells the ladies not to panic and to get back on track. Vanessa comes back later, and informs them that she has to see a plastic surgeon.

Food fight! Gordon spies Matt’s little overcooked “hockey puck” burgers, as he calls them, and gets to hollering again. And throwing the hockey pucks all over the kitchen. General Bobby (or is it Admiral? I can’t remember) tries to get Matt back in gear, telling him to put his head back down and get cooking. Meanwhile, Craig is back to screwing up. He mixes up the spaghetti with clams versus the one with meatballs (yeah, because they look so much alike) and is promptly yelled at by Gordon. Who yells some more when he tastes the undercooked spaghetti, flinging it into the trash.

Jen has taken charge of the women and the food is flying out of their side, with the added bonus of actually being fully cooked. And, you guessed it - the women complete all their tickets first, winning the dinner service. Gordon sends the girls over to help the men complete their tickets, and Ben is embarrassed. No, not by that hairstyle of his, but because they had to get help from - gasp - the women. Craig refuses any help, catching a major attitude with everyone. He even yells at Gordon when he has to ask several times how long it would take Craig to finish. Big mistake, Craigy boy.

When all is said and done, Gordon compares the first family night service to a horror movie. He picks Jen as the standout of the girl’s team, and then turns his glare to the men. He rips on Craig, then tells Ben that he was surprised by him. Ben takes it as a compliment, and begins rambling on about giving 110 percent...until Gordo informs him that he was surprised by how BAD he was. Oops. Bobby is picked as the best of the worst.

Ben tries to campaign for himself, throwing Craig under the bus. “He’s a pain in the ass,” he says. Craig still has a huge attitude, refusing to kiss anyone’s butt to stay. Good move, Craig! Of course, Bobby nominates Craig, comparing him to a broken compass - whatever station he’s at, he’s lost. Matt is the second nominee, for being nervous all the time. They both step forward, but Gordon wants to hear from one more person. Ben knows it’s him, and steps forward to plead his case. Ben says he’ll give 100 percent, and Matt pipes up to say he’ll give 125 percent. Is this an auction? Clueless Craig says he doesn’t know percentages, but, yeah - “Over that.” Gordon is disgusted by the stupidity, and chooses Craig to get the hell out. Craig is “Like, stunned, and amazed.”

I’m not. Next week? Romance! Rivalries! Backstabbing! And Vanessa tries some one-handed cooking. See you then!

Maybe Craig should have kept the hat? PM me.