Married by America
Episode Seven – Recap

Does Your Face Hurt When You Kiss That?

The long national nightmare is almost over. No, not the war. This show. However, there is still some tough fighting ahead, and we can expect some casualties. I need all of you to step up to the challenge, support the contestants, and do your part for your country. Actually, now that the voting is closed, you are past the chance of helping your country, so we may as well sit back and enjoy the spectacle.

This week, our two remaining couples brought in friends to help them shop for appropriate wedding attire, and then we jetted off to Las Vegas for bachelor and bachelorette parties (and no, Trista wasn’t there, though she seems to have been everywhere else.)

Post Elimination Reactions

It is Day 12, how do we know that? Well, the screen says so. So just ignore all of those other signs in the show so far that seem to say this is taking a lot longer than 12 days.

Tony says that he and Billie Jean are very honest with each other. He knows about her difficult past, and that she is amazing. He has a fear of hurting her. Hmmm. Foreshadowing?

Jill is afraid that she might not be number one in Kevin’s batting order, given his closeness to family and friends. Now, Jill, that may look unusual to you given the occupants of your parents house, but I think you may find that Kevin’s parents are the very definition of “ordinary”, so nothing to be afraid of there.

Day 13, No, Really It Is

Breakfast at the ranch. In fact, the producers of this show are simply stealing a script from Joe Millionaire here. First the car, and now the pre-selection angst breakfast. Sean tells them that they will now be tested in an entirely new way, and that soon the winners will get a star studded prize package, etc…

It was interesting to watch their reactions as Sean ran down the list. During the speech where he discussed the prize package, Jill and Kevin were all agitated and excited, yet Billie Jean’s facial expression was unchanged until he mentioned the wedding in a few days, whereupon she gave us a huge smile. Could she actually be sincere about this?

First, we need to find out about these temptations. Back at the villa’s each couple gets visitors. Jill’s sister Jennifer (yet another Jennifer on this show… what is that six or seven now?) and Kevin’s friend Robert arrive. For Billie Jean and Tony, the visitors are Paige and Bender, Tony’s best man.

The ladies go gown shopping, but before we go, Paige congratulates Billie Jean on her pending wedding, saying, “this is sickening that you are getting married.” Wow, good luck to you too Paige!

The gals go dress shopping and we are treated to the usual Pretty Woman-esque parade of dresses. Both women do well with their choices, and Jill in particular needs to hope that it doesn’t rain on the wedding day, because she has the makings of quite a bird bath in the top of her dress. Kevin will be smiling.

Billie Jean, who screams at the top of her lungs over just about any random event in her life, is quite emotional during this process. She picks her dress, begins dancing and shouting in joy, then laughing uncontrollably, and finally crying in the arms of her friend Paige. It is quite touching, and I now share Tony’s fear that Billie Jean is going to get hurt before this is all done.

Meanwhile, the guys are getting fitted for their tuxes. Tony lets the tailor know that he wants to look like Ricky Martin. Yes, Livin' La Vida Loca sounds about right for you and Billie Jean. Later he asks someone if his pants made his ass look fat. Wow Tony, why don’t you go ahead and go dress shopping with Billie Jean?

Bender says that he has known Tony for a long time, and he never would have guessed that Tony would get married. Hmmm. Foreshadowing?

Later that day the couples learn that they will be going to their parties in Las Vegas. This will be the first time they have been apart for, well, I don’t know, which day is it again?

Tony is worried. He says that he has cheated before on a girlfriend, and now he is going to Vegas. He doesn’t want to hurt Billie Jean. I never would have guessed that Tony was a womanizer. Hmmm. Foreshadowing?

Viva Las Vegas

The next morning, day 14, the couples pack, and prepare for departure in their own loving ways. Billie Jean and Tony share a good old fashioned butt slap or two, because nothing says I love you like a good spanking. As Billie Jean drives away for the airport, Tony calls out to her that she left her big box of condoms back in the house. Those crazy kids, it is clear they are just meant for each other.

Kevin and Jill share a long kiss, and then another one across the car window. I think that she almost rolled up the automatic window on Kevin’s head. That would have been an interesting physics experiment. Would the tensil strength of the glass aligned in that manner be able to overcome the density of Kevin’s head. Oh well, we will leave that important question to the historians.

Private plane to Vegas, not bad. I guess that is where all the funds for a deliberation room for the panel went. It is kind of funny though that the guys and gals took two separate planes to Vegas, but ended up at the same hotel. What was the point of that?

Tony, ever the philosopher, says that, “the bachelor party is not to be feared, it is to be embraced!” Yes, I suspect Tony will be embracing several things before the night is done.

Regardless, upon seeing Vegas for the first time, Billie Jean remarks that, “it is a giant fun park for adults!” So I see that all of that Las Vegas Tourism Board advertising is paying off. Really, the idea of unleashing someone like Billie Jean on the unsuspecting citizens of Vegas should be entertaining, so bring on the party!

Several more girlfriends arrive at the two story party suite. Nice digs! Billie Jean gets things going by table dancing… no, not that kind of table dancing! But, if anyone wanted some of that, it shouldn’t be a problem, as the male strippers arrive. There is much consumption of whipped cream off of male bodies at this point, and Jill seemed to enjoy it. I sure hope it was low fat whipped cream, because we all know how health conscious these ladies are.

Billie Jean tells us that Jill asked to have a female stripper as well, and there she is! Jill, this isn’t going to go over too well with Kevin’s parents. Billie Jean partakes of a little whipped cream off of our latest participant, and then it is Jill’s turn. Suddenly Jill decides that she probably shouldn’t do that. I mean really, she doesn’t want to do anything embarrassing in front of a camera right? Not our Jill, she would never do that...

Somehow there is drunken argument between Jill and Billie Jean over not changing yourself for a man, and gosh darn it, get in there and suck that whipped cream to prove your womanhood. This has to be a top contender for the title of Stupidest Argument in the History of Reality TV.

Later on, Billie Jean is crying again, and says she misses Tony. So what is Tony up to right now?

Over in the guys suite, things have gotten underway as two sisters show up to fulfill the stripping entertainment. They really don’t look like sisters to me. Do you think that strippers might lie? There goes my last faith in the wholesomeness of Americans.

The strippers, Amy and Jenn (jeez, yet another Jennifer), use their highly calibrated sense of sleaze to zoom right in on Tony. They get him down on all fours, on some kind of blanket, or sheet, or something (this is getting bad) and begin to spank him with a leather belt. Tony seems to like it. I am reminded of Kevin Bacon in Animal House, “Thank you sir, may I have another!”

Later, Tony pulls the large breasted woman aside for a little kissing in the bathroom. Now, that is all we see, but her skirt is hiked all the way up… thank God for the fog lens here… so who knows what happened. Tony later says that kissing a stripper before marriage is okay, but kissing one after marriage is off limits. I am relieved that at least there is a line somewhere for this guy.

What about Kevin you ask? While Tony is performing a tonsil check in the bathroom, Kevin is being assaulted on the couch by the cuter of the two professional ladies. He clearly is uncomfortable, and not getting into it. One of Kevin’s friends sees that and moves in to save him. The stripper is upset by the rejection, and says out loud that Kevin chickened out. Kevin responds to this crack the same way he did back in the locker room with the guys, “did not!” I just love this witty repartee.

For those of you scoring at home, the final tally is:

Billie Jean: Licked strippers of both sexes
Jill: Licked the guy stripper, and got in a little friendly fondling
Tony: Got spanked by two naked women, and made out with one of them in the bathroom
Kevin: Updated his baseball card collection

The Next Morning

Breakfast for the hung over. You can tell Billie Jean is a experienced party girl, as she shows no signs of ill effects, and is loading up on quite a greasy breakfast. Her friend joins her and wants to talk about marriage again. Billie Jean says that Tony is a great guy, he cares, and that she feels safe and secure with him. The truth is that Billie Jean needs someone to save her, and who knows, maybe she even deserves that, but is Tony the right guy? I am not so sure.

Tony and Bender discuss the previous nights events over their meal. Bender points out that Tony was making out with a stripped. He denies it at first, then says yeah, but it was just kissing. Oh, that makes it okay. Bender wants to know if Tony will tell Billie Jean, he says no, and makes an extremely arrogant comment about Billie Jean having “won the lottery” with him anyway. Yeah… you are quite a catch Tony.

Kevin is surrounded by friends for his breakfast, and they are pounding on him about Jill. In the end, Kevin just wants to know if Jill is in this for the same reasons he is. I’m not sure what those reasons are, and I suspect that Kevin doesn’t either.

Jill is concerned about finances. She notes that Kevin is poor, and has no job. Further, he needs direction. She is going to help him with that, and his goals. Now, I am hardly the expert on relationships, ask any woman who knows me, but this I do know. When a woman starts saying that her guy needs direction; that is a significant red flag.

The couples fly back to the ranch, and reunite. Tony and BJ begin talking about their experiences. I am actually impressed (somewhat) as both of them give a relatively accurate accounting of what happened, and Tony even tells Billie Jean about the kiss. It hurts her feelings, but she seems to be okay with it overall, pretty much saying the same thing Tony did, it’s okay now, but after we get married…

Judgment Day

It is day 16. The couples will meet with the panel one last time, but instead of having one eliminated; this will be the final meeting prior to the public vote. Both couples will go through with a marriage ceremony (or not, but that is for next week), however, they will not know who wins the big prizes until after the weddings.

This is sheer marketing brilliance on FOX’s part. Think about it. What if they have a complete blow up in both relationships at the wedding? It will be great ratings TV (from a lowest common denominator level… in other words, on my Tivo) and they will get out of awarding any prizes at all. Just brilliant!

Jill is nervous about facing the board again. Further, she is now opening wondering if Kevin can get “strong enough to be my husband in three weeks”. Uh oh, that isn’t a good comment to be making.

Billie Jean says, “Screw it, I am going to be with Tony either way.” Hmmm. Foreshadowing?

Sean brings in the panel, and once again reminds us that now is the time to be honest with each other. Yeah, so quit all that lying people, this is getting serious!

Kevin and Jill are on the hot seat first. Dr Jenn wants to know if they have discussed children. Jill says yes, and she wants 2-4. At least she didn’t say 2.4 or some crazy answer like that. Kevin agrees, and it turns out they have discussed names as well! Okay then.

Miss P actually asks a question other than “are you attracted?”. She wants to revisit Kevin’s occupational loserdom again, because really, we haven’t drug this guys name through the mud enough yet at all. Kevin points out that having to change from chasing his dream of playing baseball takes some time to get over, but by gosh, he could pay the rent for months to come if he needed too!

Jenn wants to know if Jill is willing to gamble on Kevin finding his passion in a new career. Jill says that she will help him in that regard, and that Kevin needs a strong woman!

The guy with the beard whose name I keep forgetting jumps all over that comment. “Kevin, do you need a strong woman?” Kevin ponders and replies, “Yes, don’t you?” They then want to know if Jill overwhelms him. To which Kevin responds, “which?” Then there is an argument, for no apparent reason, and it seems that Kevin is channeling Jill’s dad.

They give up trying to get through to him, and decide to move on to Billie Jean and Tony.

Jenn wants to know if there have been moments for both of them where they have been shocked by the other’s behavior. Gee, you think? Tony gives a good answer. He says that he is aware of Billie Jean’s childhood and is impressed with her capability to love.

Beard Boy wants to know if they trust each other. Billie Jean says that she trusts Tony completely. She doesn’t care that he kissed a girl at his party, she trusts him.

This leads Jenn to ask Billie Jean if she loves him. Billie Jean says she wanted to save that for the wedding day, but that yes, she is in love with him. What about Tony? He says his feelings are evolving. He doesn’t know when that love with click on, and that it hurts him that he can’t honestly say the same thing to her right now.

Billie Jean is okay with that, she wants him to say it when he can really mean it.

The time is up, and the vote goes to the people.

Next Week

We see a long set of previews that seems to indicate that at least one couple has a major problem on the wedding day, and perhaps even some good old fashioned fighting occurs. This is FOX though, so we know that previews can be extremely deceiving. However, it looks like the final episode will have sufficient fire works to keep our attention.

I honestly don’t know if either of these couples will actually get married, and I am inclined to believe that none of the marriages would work anyway. So, I just hope no one has lasting scars from this debacle.

Until next week…

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