The Big Brother cameras are watching the Hamsters 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but even the most dedicated feed watcher can't keep up with that schedule. What did you miss while you weren't watching?
Click here for our in-depth coverage of 3/31 to 4/3 and find out!
WARNING - non-feed watchers may be spoiled
*This is a recap of events from Monday through Thursday*
It never fails - there’s always something foul for me to recap as my shift starts. This week’s nastiness award goes to James, who spends the wee hours of Monday morning eating pickles and jerkin’ his own gherkin in the shower. Thank the BB gods for the frosted shower doors! Team Christ must have sensed the presence of evil in the house, as they spend the entire morning engaged in this week’s activity of choice, James bashing. With a little Chelsia bashing thrown in for good measure by Sheila, of course. Sharon and Sheila agree that James is a jerk, nobody has liked him from the beginning of the show, and he doesn’t deserve the money because he’d just piss it away. Seriously, when did all this “deserving” crap come into being? Sheila declares that women need money more than men (huh?!), but admits that she might vote for Adam to win because he wants to use the money to open a dental clinic for autistic children. And to buy some Rogaine.
The girl’s conversation degrades into a weird competition of sorts: How My Life Sucks Worse Than Yours. On Sheila’s side we have a deadbeat dad who paid no child support, whom she had to kick out when he went on a ‘roid rage tantrum, and....AND!...she had a dog to support along with her son. A dog! Beat that, Sharon. Sharin’ Sharon shares that she almost died in a car accident, it was horrible, just horrible, and we relive the Chronicles of Jacob for the zillionth time. Who wins? Who cares. I’m tired of the pity parties.
SuperJosh busts a move. Right on out of the house.
News flash! In eleven more days, Sheila will no longer be a 45 year old single mother, she’ll be a 46 year old single mother. Know that!
Late Monday afternoon, Joshie has a slop-induced breakdown. Except, it’s all an act. “I better be convincing,” he tells himself before his big show starts. He fixes a plate of food, sits down to “eat” it, and breaks out in tears just as Adam walks in. BB tries to get him to go to the DR, but he ignores them as Adam walks over to comfort the wailing Josh, telling him it’ll be okay as Josh flings himself into Adam’s arms. “This is prison with props!” sniffles Josh. Adam is actually very sweet, even wiping Joshie’s runny nose for him. Aww. Just for that, I won’t post a nose-picking cap of you in this recap, Adam. And Josh, you win this week’s BS award. Josh puts the food up and goes out to join Adam in a game of pool with the slightest hint of a smirk on his face.
Big Brother takes pity and gives the hamsters some arts and crafts supplies: paints, clay, even a few games. Natalie goes gaga, painting her stalkee Mattie a happy birthday card, complete with a painting of herself as a topless mermaid. Run, Mattie, run! Natalie adds a note in the corner saying “Sorry Matt, wrong carrier” – meaning it wouldn’t be James who delivered it as she had hoped. She also makes a girl figurine out of clay, but when she returns from the DR, Adam or Ryan (neither of which take responsibility for defacing her “art”) have stuck a clay penis on it. Charming, guys. Josh and James spend their time bitching about the others, and James later flashes his joystick once again for all to see on the live feeds.
Perhaps frustrated that his waterworks aren’t getting him anywhere, Josh goes on a tirade against Sheila, everyone’s favorite whipping girl. Josh is pissy because Sheila has been campaigning for Sharon, and when he hears her talking smack about him to Adam, Josh loses it. He hollers about flipping the house and flipping her upside her head if she doesn’t shut the eff up, because it’s not her battle to fight. He promises to follow her around the house because she can’t be trusted to keep her yap shut. Unbelievably, she agrees to keep said mouth shut, swearing on her son’s life. What, no pinky swearing? You’ve got to have the pinky swear, people. Get with the program.
She's a mother, alright...
Anyhow, she runs to the DR to complain, but BB doesn’t do anything. Sheila asks Nat if she can sleep with her in the HoH room because she’s afraid of big bad Joshie, and gets permission from BB to do so. Sheila later apologizes for being Sheila, and Josh stops following her around. They hug. So much for the fireworks. Natalie takes a bath with Mr. Bubble to relax, showing off her boobs as she gets out of the tub for those few souls out there who haven’t seen them yet.
Stupid Trivia, The Natalie Edition:
- Sheila had a dream that Britney Spears gave a performance in the house and everyone went crazy. Well, crazier.
- Natalie spent her childhood talking to God and asking why she didn’t have any friends. Her teachers told her mom they were worried about her...
- Sharon has never had a cup of coffee. Ever. Poor child.
- Natalie says that Matt told her if he was going to ruin his relationship outside of the house, he would only ruin it for her. Oh, brother.
- Oh, and BB wouldn’t let Nat send Matt his paper towel birthday card.
- Natalie thinks BB is a jerk for having a numbers comp and she couldn’t play. Thumbs up, BB!
- Josh told Sheila that he and Neil were a real life couple and have an adopted son named Chase. She fell for it.
- Natalie, Ryan and Adam think BB is favoring James in the comps.
- Sheila claims she had an undiagnosed “learning disability” in school.
- Natalie says she would have socked Chelsia in the face if they weren’t in the house. I'd put my money on Chelsia.
- Ryan told Sheila he would totally hook up with her if he wasn’t already with Jen. The thought makes me nauseous.
- Natalie has a five year warranty on her store-bought boobage, and the warranty is almost up.
Why no strategy recap? Because it was impossible to follow, at least for my little caffeine-addled brain. Every ten minutes it seemed like they were flip-flopping back and forth from The Plan (to boot Josh) to voting Sharon out and keeping Josh. I couldn’t tell who was full of it and who was being honest amid all the side deals and “I got your back” garbage. Josh was beginning to think all his conniving would work out, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. He was voted out by everyone but James, who threw his fellow heathen a sympathy vote. To Josh’s credit, he left on a good note.
So, Adam won HoH again (no baby food this time) and Sharon pisses and moans about losing the comp, especially about missing the mirror question. Apparently someone asked if she threw it, and she gripes “Why would I throw a f***ing HoH knowing I’m going home?!” She and James gather on his island, bonding over the fact that they hate everyone and everything in the house. Natalie is cheerleading for Team Christ, telling them that she had a dream Adam won HoH and blathering on about the number nine (yes, we’ve moved on from 7's and 8's). Nine, nine lives, 9th week, April 9th...myself, I’m all about the number 3. As in, hopefully there’s only three more weeks left in this season.
While the final six wait for their 9pm pizza delivery (you can almost see the drool coming out of Ryan’s mouth), Natalie tells Adam and Ryan that America is happy about Team Christ winning. They snicker over how they’re picking off the heathens and Nat exclaims “We’re on fire!” They all think Sharon threw the comp and is leaking their divine secrets to James. Sharon bashing ensues. Pizza and a six pack arrives and everyone shuts up and eats, thankfully. I half expect Ryan to eat the pizza box - the doofus stuffed himself so full that he made himself sick.
Trivial, but - for the first time this season, I saw Adam wash his hands after emerging from the bathroom. Congratulations, Adam!
No, Ryan didn't have a digestive mishap...it's only gravy.
Thursday, and the hamsters are antsy in anticipation of a food comp. Adam and Ryan pick at Nat about blowjobgate, and she keeps on denying it, saying she was only making out with Matt under the covers. “Yeah, you were making out with his penis!” says Adam. Quote of the week, right there. Sheila chimes in about the night vision cameras and how they pick up a lot of detail. Natalie gets that deer in the headlights, oh s*** look she gets when too much information is thrown at her at one time.
Ryan and Adam chug a few beers before noon - beer, the breakfast of champions! They try to convince the girls that they had Jack Daniels in the HoH room, but they didn’t fall for it. The food comp begins, and the hamsters had to crawl up a ramp and make mashed potato “tunnels,” then pour gravy down the tunnels to fill tubes at the bottom. Fill the tube, win the prize. Yes, it looked as gross as it sounds. They won meat, breads, fish, pasta, snacks....and a grill. I have fond memories of the grill blowing up on Ivette. Here’s hoping for a repeat performance.
James immediately begins fighting for his life, making his case to Adam, even giving the “I’m on an island” speech. *sigh* James, I like ya, man, but sing a new song. Adam contemplates putting up Sharon and Sheila and backdooring James, but Ryan and Nat throw a fit over that idea. Ryan calls James sneaky and a con artist, while Nat reiterates that James’ eyes are dark brown because he’s so full of s***. Oh, how I hate when she says that. Natalie insists that if James is put up, he won’t win POV. But if Adam tries to backdoor him instead, James is certain to win POV and one of the God Squad will have to go home. Yeah, that logic’s about as fuzzy as the container in the back of my fridge that I’m afraid to open...
You like me! You really like me! *sniff*
James tries one last time to plead his case, and he, Nat, and Adam have a bitchfest in the HoH room. James tries to talk to Adam, telling him he’s never screwed him over. The ghost of Mattie surfaces yet again as Nat retells the story of how he was backdoored and they can’t trust James now. James loses patience, and raises his voice. Ryan comes up to join in, and just as it gets good, we go to flames. When we return, Ryan is gone. James wants to talk to Adam alone, but Nat refuses to leave, chattering like a chihuahua on speed. BB helps out by calling her to the DR. Mmmmhmmm.
And what do you know - the two guys start a weird bonding, with James bawling and Adam getting misty-eyed. James begs for a chance, and Adam declares f*** it, they’ll work together! If Ryan and Nat want James gone so badly, they can win HoH and do it themselves. Final two! Best buds forever! Wait...what the hell?! Did BB give Adam some funny cigarettes? Natalie and Ryan seethe downstairs, thinking Adam has gone to the dark side.
And it seems that he has: Adam nominated Sheila and Sharon for eviction. Adam tells James that if he doesn't win POV, though, he'll put him up. Is he playing James or has he turned his back on Team Christ? Will Ryan go to Adam's ass? Will Sheila spontaneously combust in a puff of indignant righteousness? Buckle your seatbelts, feeders, it's going to be an ugly weekend...
Who's got the Dustin face now?
Thanks to misticati for the James cap!