Big Brother 9 - 3/26 Recap: A Baller Tale of Egg-regious Beaverness

[MsFroggy]

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It seems like every week I start my recap telling you that the previous week was filled with drama, weeping houseguests, sex and treachery. I'd like to spare you this time, I really would. But of course, I can't. While there was blessed little hamster sex to report on, Matt's eviction divided the house even more than before. Dun, dun, dun! Where once these silly hamsters swapped spit indiscriminately – remember those first weeks when they still thought the show was one big happy orgy of low IQ friendliness? - now they're at each others' throats over the departure of lazy-eyed Boston boy Matt. With Chelsia and Sharon on the block, Natalie's plan to avenge her Matty seems to be coming to fruition. But will it? Want to find out whether James' sweet love bunny will be bounced out the door or whether the volunteer pawn will bite the dust instead? Read on.

Rite on, beaver!

It's Day 49 in the house, and according to Julie Natalie has turned into a bona fide power player this week in Matty's absence. Natalie finally emerged from his shadow, she says. Well, that's one place she emerged from, I guess. In flashbacks, we get the aftermath of the Veto Ceremony. Chelsia thinks Adam is a spineless Natalie drone, Josh congratulates himself on conning Sharon to sit on the block for him and Natalie justs wants to split up James and Chelsia, the big bad threats. Or maybe she's just jealous that Chelsia still has somebody to cuddle with in the house. Not that Natalie ever did, but I digress.

Sharon is “not stressing” being on the block with Chelsia up against her and feels she's got the votes to stay. Chelsia is not so confident. She is sad and lonely, poor bunny, and knows that the house wants her out because she and James have a bond which makes the others jealous. It's not the whole rock solid alliance to the end thing that they're looking to annihilate or anything, I guess. It's the hugs they can't stand! A lovely montage follows of the sweet lovebirds cuddling and sharing their sad thoughts on being split up. Chelsia laments that her unexpected feelings for James have destroyed her game. She bawls prettily and coos that she saw herself winning the game. I saw myself floating on a yacht in the Mediterranean sunning myself with a pink drink in one hand and a good book in another, but I guess neither one of us is getting quite what we wanted. Suck it up, Chelsia!

Even as Chelsia is feeling demolished, Natalie, newly secure and drunk with power, yapps dementedly about anything and everything to anyone in the house who'd listen. First it's stories about friends with demonic laughs to Chelsia, which probably made the prospect of possibly being evicted a bit less painful for her. Next it's Natalie embarrassing herself in front of Sheila when she can't spell “Alzheimer's” calling it All-timer's then Old-hymer's disease. I wish I had some sort of selective memory loss in which Natalie would be erased from my brain. Poor Natalie grapples with weighty spelling problems saying she can never get nite, rite or fite, er, right. She spells things out using her fingers and finally declares she's giving up. This thinking thing can get so exhausting!

They get to die eggs for Easter and Natalie declares that orange and green “usually” makes brown. Good to know it's not all the time. She draws a beaver on an egg - it looks more like skull and bones to me – and sends Chelsia into despair, declaring that she cannot stand dumb Natalie, not even for a minute. Chelsia confesses that she is determined to at least “go out with a bang”. Putting plan into action, she smashes eggs on the counter then on the floor with enough force to shatter them into bits leaving the houseguests puzzled and James amused. Natalie just stares out of her skull and sips her wine. She says that Chelsia is done and that if she acted like Chelsia does her family would never speak to her again. Hee! Natalie better hope that her own family never heard of YouTube, that's all I've got to say.

In a final fit of temper, Chelsia smashes all the remaining eggs that they've worked so hard to paint along with Natalie's freaky beaver state egg. Sheila thinks Chelsia is cruel, while Natalie paints her toenails and talks to god, saying she's Chelsia's biggest threat thus the one she picks on. Sharon just sits happily in bed, glad to lay low.

Even James is surprised at Chelsia's antics and confesses that being connected to her is hurting him in the game, thus he will vote her out. Till death do us part, or till I evict you!

Well-baby weekly check-up

Finally going live to the Living Room, Julie talks to Baller first. She asks Adam whether he'd prefer a little jar of strained peas or pureed pears. Confused, Baller stares at Julie's face on the screen, rolls his eyes and doesn't get the joke. It turns out this gross bug eyed specimen loves baby food, and Julie wants to know why. I could live without that answer, but Adam claims that the baby food just mysteriously showed up when he moved into his HoH room and he just doesn't know why somebody would give that to him. I'm not even going to speculate on the subject. Life is too short.

Julie plays a tape of Evel Dick's foray into the BB9 house and asks Sheila whether the Dickster is her kind of guy. She says she understands his evilness in the house now and finds him attractive. Julie's voice softens as she moves on to Natalie asking her about the aftermath of dear cross-eyed Matty's eviction. She says she bounced back but that she thinks about her sweet, sweet Matty daily and what a great guy he is. I'd squeeze out a fat tear of sympathy if I weren't laughing hysterically right about now. Julie then asks our resident brainiac, how many letters are in Matt's last name. She ponders the question for a second, counts the letters on her fingers like a first grader and finally says there are eight. Oooh! Conspiracy!

Balling for a bit of love and understanding

Since Adam is HoH, and Big Brother figures the world is thirsting for knowledge about the repulsive gorgon Baller, we get a segment about him. I know I waited weeks and weeks for this unique opportunity! I just hope I can bring it to you without barfing. A. Baller, digs for gold up his nose, calls himself Pimp Daddy, wears designer clothing, cannonballs into the pool as his fat belly jiggles, lifts weights and says “Big Baller is in the house” while his freaky bug eyes threaten to roll out of their sockets. I'm charmed. Back at his family's place in Cherry Hill, NJ, his normal looking family attempts to explain, or make excuses for him, depending how you want to look at it. His less bug-eyed brother Jared, gives it a shot saying that there are layers of Baller underneath which the real Adam is buried and you need to wade through all that. I'd rather not wade, thankyouverymuch. Mommy Baller says there's a soft loving core under all that tough Baller exterior. Childhood pictures are brought out and Little Baller looks surprisingly less bug-eyed as a first grader although things start to look scary right around his high school days, with scary unruly hair and, you guessed it, the freakishly prominent eyeballs making a first appearance.

According to his mother, our sweet Baller is charitable, nice and oh so helpful. Cue Adam helping Chelsia with her packed suitcase and giving the 10K to Sheila. Brother Baller claims Adam is not really the maniac he presents himself to be. I don't know, he's pretty convincing if you ask me. We're cautioned to not give up understanding The Baller, even when he makes no sense. There is a formula apparently to deciphering his speech: you take every third of fourth word you can make out, or think you can make out, scramble them and see if you can come up with something that makes about 50% sense. After that it should be easy to fill in the blanks. Oh, okay, that's not exactly what Brother and Mother Baller said, but I didn't quite get the explanation for the explanation that would have explained how to explain Adam. I've expanded too much effort thinking about him for two whole paragraphs now and honestly I'm not sure I want to waste any more braincells on this whole thing. Supposedly there's a superior intellect lurking beneath the gruff, inarticulate exterior and Adam can out-think his opponents with ease. Of course. He just keep all that intellect, er, balled up inside.

I won't go down with this ship!

One by one, Josh, Ryan and James all confess to wanting Chelsia gone. James calls her the SS Titanic, fast going down and trying to drag him with her. Did James go to the Natalie school of malapropism? Learning from your fellow man in this house could be seriously dangerous to your healthy and sanity. Not to mention our sanity.

In the HoH room, Adam gets a chance to chit chat with Julie. He is asked about Sheila and their relationship. He claims they're allies and he was never going to put her up and only wanted to scare her a bit. Talking about the revelation that Alex was the Mystery Houseguest, Julie wants Adam to admit that the reason he said he wouldn't have voted him back had he known it was him, was because James was sitting right there looking at him. Adam acknowledges this and would really have like Alex back. Adam knows that James has set his sights on getting him out.

Given a chance to make a final plea, Sharon chirps excitedly about how much fun she's had in the house so far, how she'd love to stay but would go if it was her time. It's over in under 10 seconds which must be a new record. Chelsia puts on a bit of a show, pointing fingers sarcastically asking for their vote declaring that she has not changed by being in the house and has not tried to breastfeed from any of them to get ahead in the game. Sheila nods, James covers his face and the rest just stare. I'm just glad she said breastfeed. It's a ten letter word so I'm sure Natalie's head will explode trying to fit it into her conspiracy theory although she probably can't count that high anyways.

The votes are cast live tonight and Natalie, Josh, Ryan, Sheila and even James all vote to evict Chelsia. Ouch! Not even one vote from her sweet cuddly bear? Harsh! Thus by a vote of 5-0 Chelsia is kicked to the curb. After a few parting words of wisdom directed at her fellow hamsters - Adam to grow a backbone and stop playing like a baby, to Sheila telling her that she's been ridden hard and put away wet - some whispered advice to Josh and lots of hugs for James, Chelsia is quickly out the door. James is far from broken up as she leaves and seemingly can't wait to turn away and smirk. In the exit interview, Chelsia tells Julie that she was giving Josh a pep talk for he upcoming HoH competition. They talk about Chelsia's last two dramatic speeches and that she told James not to give her a vote. She would like James or Josh to win, since she can't. Chelsia also talks about how she made mistakes playing with her heart and not her head, bringing James back into the game because of that and not seizing an opportunity to play the game for herself.

The goodbye messages are decent, even the one from Natalie and James' even goes so far as to say that having a relationship with her is worth more than $500K for him. A few more tears about the game, some sad faces and Chelsia is off for good to sequesterland but not before she wisely tells Julie that she'll need to watch the whole season on tape first before she'll commit to an out-of-the-house relationship with James. And here I thought Chelsia was just a crass exhibitionist with a loud mouth. Turns out she's got more of a clue than anyone realized.

The road to the big room upstairs

There is but one thing left before we can put this week to rest and the houseguests seem as eager to meet their fate head-on as I am to see and end to Big Baller's reign of bug-eyed incoherence. In the backyard the hamsters are assembled in front of red or white lanes separated by red white and blue flags and studded with stars. The competition is called “Big Brother Election” and it will revolve around the audience poll conducted at CBS.com during the last week, which asked questions as if the houseguests were running for president. The houseguests will need to answer questions based on America's answers. When answering, they will need to raise either their left hand wearing a blue glove or their right hand wearing a red glove. A correct answer means a step forward down their individual lane, an incorrect answer means they stay put. The leader after seven questions wins HoH. The houseguests are asked to lower their blindfolds and the questions begin. They range from who would be more likely to lead the nation into battle to who would more likely stop their motorcade for a squirrel in the road, and ultimately after seven questions Natalie wins the competition becoming Head of Household.

She jumps up and down exuberantly, gets hugs from all and cries in her excitement. All I can think about is my fellow Live Feed recappers and the horrid pain they'll be going through this week with Natalie ruling the roost. The good news is that somebody will be evicted again next Wednesday, the bad news is that that's a week a way. How many braincells can we lose in one week? For your sanity, my advice is to minimize your exposure to Natalie's HoH, greatly reducing your chance of a mental breakdown, and read about it instead from the funny AshleyPSU. See me here next week when another hamster meets Julie on their way to oblivion.

Would you rather vote for a Matty/Natty ticket, a James/Chelsia ticket or would you rather stick pins into your eyeballs? PM me and let's go on a bus tour.

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