Bachelor 2- Episode 1 Recrap and NO QUESTIONS
Bachelor 2- new and improved
My daughter and I sat down to watch B2, mostly so I could downplay this cattle call for a rich hubby aka as “Retire Young”. The premise of this show is so 1962 , you know when all houses had a wife at home, 2.5 kids , hubby home at 5 for supper. Go see Pleasantville you’ll get the drift.
Having seen Alex, this group is in a fight for second place; cause you GET YOUR OWN SHOW. They claim to have searched for months for the new guy. They picked Alex off the street when he was walking by the studio after being turned down by Survivor for being too gay. As I posted when I saw the preview show, the casting directors used most of the same criteria. Aaron was the pick of the litter for sure.
A friend of Aarons ,quoted in this show, claimed he got a lot of mileage from life being a businessman, pilot, piano ace and in his spare time a budding restauranteur. Can you say work-o-holic? With that resume, I’m sure he has a lot of other mileage too- having spent a year in Italy for his MBA. What’s up with that anyway? Harvard not good enough?
Aaron’s epiphany to join the Bachelor, came after a ruptured spleen. Mama said he had one foot in the grave. Thank god he didn’t have a head injury, or he might have ended up on Wheel of Fortune chasing the well worn Vanna. Aaron thought the big void in his life would be magically filled by being the New Bachelor (excuse me when does this guy have time for a big void?) Nothing works better for recovery from major surgery than making out with 25 women in front of millions of TV viewers. I’ll have what he was having next time I go under the knife. Aaron also stated he wanted to “tap into a larger pool of women to choose from” If he meant gene pool, I thought this boy was from Missouri not Arkansas.
What did Aaron think of Bachelor # 1? Not honest, promised too much. “You can never go wrong telling the truth” says Aaron. Well Hon, as you’ve been seen in previews with your tongue doing tonsillectomies on most of the girls, I think I’ll be throwing that one back in your face a little. He also thought Alex should have “pulled the trigger”. This probably sums up in nutshell what he thinks of marriage, and makes me really think Mom sent him on a quest for grandchildren without inbreeding birth defects.
Well it’s time in the show to finally meet the girls, Instead of having them come one by one into the room and being introduced Miss America style, inexplicably limos started pulling up loaded with girls. They should have saved the dough and used a school bus. It would have had the same visual effect.
In order, they were:
Aaron is stunned that 25 supermodels have just walked past him, and I swear he’s foaming at the mouth. He’s also not liking the fact that he has to let 10 go at the end of the night.
- Gwen – sick of bars , likes to be center of attention (DUH) Aaron’s eyes light up
Erin (brown)- has done all she wants and is ready to settle down
Frances- looking for love
Helene- very pretty, broke off engagement recently
Brooke- from Alabama, said she had butterflies – Aaron likes the accent
Angela- wants to meet the right person
Lori- our mandatory cheerleader
Kyla- I'M A VIRGIN from O my heck and surprise- Utah!
Christi- says this is just like Miss America- my money’s on this football fan
Hayley- lots of relationships, but the timing wasn’t right
Dana- believes in love at first sight
Heather (blonde)-has been dating a lot lately
Anindita- used to arranged marriages from culture, this isn’t much different
Suzanne- not the usual woman, she’s out for adventure
Amber- Not a dumb blonde
Marilee- has twin, not rushing into anything
Christy- wants to get married at 26
Heather (brown)- From Miss Texas Pageant – here to win guy
Suzi- Mom & Dad not in favor of this latest stunt of hers
Liangy- has what it takes
Camille- very ditzy
Erin (brown)-believes in lust at first sight, have to work on love
Cari- lonely, no one to hang with since everyone else in town married
Fatima-no one believes she can party and go to church too
Shannon- very pretty, hopes all her dreams come true
When they get in the room for the party, I realize why they did the car stunt and didn’t start it here. This looks like the beginning of any porno I have allegedly seen. I swear I see Paulies Pizza girl from Survivor, in the back .I wait for the cheesy music but it doesn’t start, so we are ok for primetime. Everyone seems dumbstruck by Aaron . They were expecting another Alex, and really did just come to reach second place to get their own show. This guy is cute and has hypnotized them all by his smile (::cough Money::, they are finding out slowly he owns his own BANK, Nothing like a shopping spree when your hubby has his own BANK)
Christi goes right in for first tackle by stating what a big football fans she is and of course she points out Aaron has “obviously played football”. Touchdown Christi! Aaron is digging this. Carli stands toe to toe and we realize she’s taller than most guys. As guys are really insecure that’s why she’s at home on Saturday night. Basketball games are a good place to meet guys for you Dear, not this place. Gwen chimes in that he has a nice warm smile. Awww thinks Aaron. Kayla thinks he is a HOTTIE. I’m wondering how she knows this, or cares since o my heck she’s a MORMON VIRGIN, and wastes no time telling him exactly that, she recovers nicely by saying she can ski.
They all say Aaron puts them at ease. Aaron is still freaking out and stated he is overwhelmed and does not have a clue how he is going to get rid of ten. He says he’s going back into the party but really runs off to plead with the producer.
Suzi feels sorry for him – poor guy she says. Newsflash- He’s not upset.
Heather (brown hair from Texas) says she’s glad he’s a pilot, as she’s a flight attendant willing to give personal service. Aaron thinks this is great idea, mentally picturing the mile high club. Angie pipes in with how much she likes to travel, and Paulie’s pizza girl runs off to find a director. Aaron is suddenly diverted in mid air to Alabama by Brooke. Do ya’ll believe in love at first sight she purrs. Frances gets into the game by speaking to Aaron in Italian she’ just came home from Europe to get here. Anandita counters with a story of travel to Amsterdam. In the midst of all this action, Texas Heather says the competition is stiff. (Don’t worry darling he hasn’t forgotten your personal flight attendant story) Angie has isolated herself so much, the girls have noticed (What a beotch think they in unison) Angie has remembered the prime directive, that they only have one party to impress or they may be out the door. She continues stalking him. Gwen is optimistic as she thinks they’ve made a Loooove connection. Wrong show hon. That’s one on one, and you gotta elbow 24 others out of the way before you can play that game.
Aaron brings out the hard artillery, by sitting down to play piano. The girls all start squealing so loudly you can’t hear it, but never mind, Aaron is working the room and doesn’t care, and yes he CAN play. Christi says she is now really interested and goes off to find a Southwest Missouri State football jersey to polish him off. Merrilee wants a rose so bad she threatens to run out the door and get one at the corner store ( Hey this IS Malibu, I’m sure they carry them there).Dana simply prays for one. Didn’t you see Survivor dear? God only pays attention to game shows, if you stand up and force the whole crowd to listen.
On this Note, Aaron is whisked off to the deliberation room where the Bachelorette shrine awaits. You will note I don’t ever mention the host because well, he’s annoying. Aaron looks at the shrine like he is really hoping there are remote control buttons under the ladies pictures. That way he can just dispatch them without facing them. Aw Aaron, you got to put away that nice guy persona for awhile, or this bunch will eat you alive. You’re a Babe and they’ve found out Daddy owns a chain of banks. They will cheerfully commit homicide before they let you go.
Aaron starts the deliberation process by slagging Camille. They didn’t click. Camille had no clever story- too bad. OOOO He likes Gwen and Brooke but is torn between Merrilee and Liangy. He has to make some decisions, so cut to those women 20 - 65 demographic commercials quick, to up the suspense.
After the mandatory 5 toilet bowl cleaner ,and one chip commercial, Aaron is in the room to announce his decision. If you don’t get the rose blah blah blah, you don’t have to accept blah blah, (like that would happen, did I mention Daddy had a chain of Banks)
Aaron faces the crowd and in his best Alex imitation he tells them what a powerful experience this has been, how he appreciates the sacrifice they made to be here – not easy blah blah. Aaron has not apparently noticed, that it has changed from a contest to get your own show, to a contest to go into the bank vault and scoop up all the money you can for the next 35 years. YOUR OWN PERSONAL BANK – woo hoo!
Making the further sacrifice to win this prize are
At this point Aaron has to step out of the room. He explains he has to reconsider.
- Angela- It does pay to stalk she says to herself as she sweetly accepts
Helene- I’m gorgeous, and he knows it. I didn’t even have a story
Erin from PA – Thank you so much!
Brooke- gives him a big ole hug
Anindita- having spent as much prenup time with him as required goes for the hug
Blonde California Heather gives him that blank Barbie stare, and thinks - Thanks Ken!
Dana- runs up and grabs the rose. Thank You Jesus!
Hayley- coyly saunters up and says “You‘re sooo Cuuute” Aaron dimples
Christi- stuffs the jersey away for later – gives big hug/kiss smile, Another Touchdown!
Shannon- smiles, looks gorgeous- hit Aaron with a hammer now - he wouldn’t feel it
Frances- asks if he can dance before accepting- Aaron puzzles – A QUESTION. – He panics - uh yeah.......
Suzanne- Aaron says menacingly, Any Questions? – He gives a BIG hug when she answers - NO
Gwen- minces up psuedo shyly – I’d love to – I can’t believe she actually bats her eyes
While paramedics administer oxygen, Aaron considers the remaining girls. He has to make sure no one else asks QUESTIONS. The ones he originally had in mind might have, so he has to check the bios on the remaining ones to make sure he is not caught off guard again. Paramedics have moved to outside room to administer oxygen to the remaining girls. They are equally upset he has taken the time to clear his head of any doubts.
Last two are
Whew that’s over. Aaron scans the room and is very upset that some of his choices may have been wrong, and he may have to answer many QUESTIONS. Why did I dump the NBA cheerleader – I’m a jock- she wouldn’t have asked me anything.
- Kyla- Mormon Virgins ask no questions- Aaron is licking his chops (really- they show it on camera)
Texas Heather- Flight attendants serve pilots and ask no questions.She is here to WIN THE GUY
Liangy- a paralegal, Merrilee- a teacher, Christy an X-ray tech and Heather – the therapist, said good, we are so out of here. This guy freaks at questions .We all like to ask questions. Camille adds, well I’m not enough of an actress to pretend I like that Mamas boy to get the loot. The show of my own would have been nice though. Christy says lets get the f*ck out of here. The censors can’t believe they just had to bleep a contestant. What is this Big Brother? How did that chick get on set? Aaron pouts as they all hug each other and run out the door. Not one even looks at him.
He says thank you for accepting my Roses – It is understood without saying it, as soon ask they ask anything, they are gone.
Tune in next week when things get vindictive, and the claws come out. Aaron says “what do you expect “? All these women, one house, two bathrooms. Things are going to get Really Ugly.
The paramedics are called out again for TX Heather, as she is in Hysterics. She has obviously forgotten, and asked a damn QUESTION