Survivor Recap 03/06/08 – And The Meek Shall Inherit The Island

[AJane]

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Hi, my name is AJane. (Well, not really, but that’s what I’m called around these parts.) Ahem…my name is AJane, and I’m a Joel fan. I’m unaccountably attracted to enormous, tattooed, dominant men. *hangs head in shame* I realize it’s a problem, but that’s why I’m here – to deal with it. Well, that, and the fact that I’m standing in for your regular star recapper Lucy, who will be returning next week to the now Joel-less Survivor: Micronesia. I’m getting a little ahead of myself here, revealing this week’s bootee right off the bat, but the more I talk about it, the sooner I’ll heal. Bear with me here, people. At least you can’t actually see my pain, which is no less ugly than the swollen grotesque-ness that is Parvati’s upper lip. But there I go again, getting ahead of myself. Let’s take a short trip back in time to last week instead, shall we?

Please join me for a minute of silence in honor of Charlie The Chicken

So…last week. Ozzy finds the hidden immunity idol, the Fans of Airai complain bitterly about the waste of space that is Chet, and Tracy convinces Joel to zero in on Mikey B., who becomes the next casualty. As the Fans make their way back to camp, Jason is upset with the majority decision but only voices his displeasure in confessional. He moans that the Fans are doomed to continue losing challenges if the strong continue to be voted off, and if you don’t think that’s foreshadowing, where have you been for the past 16 seasons anyway?

Back at Malakal, the Favorites are clucking and cooing at another doomed creature, the unfortunate Charlie the Chicken, won in the last reward challenge. Apparently the members of Malakal aren’t farmers, because they don’t seem to realize that their pet hen is a girl. Unless, of course, “Charlie” is short for “Charlene”. Cirie, a woman who prefers not to bond with her food before it’s dead, is squeamish about the upcoming slaughter and shudders that Ozzy is taking the bull by the horns (or, in this case, the chicken by the head) and volunteering to do the deed. James holds poor Charlie down while the blood flies and the women (except for Amanda) screech in horror.

In confessional, chicken killer Ozzy gloats over his idol find, and after debating for about two whole seconds on who he should tell, breaks the news to James, Amanda, and Parvati. All are sworn to secrecy, and Amanda does a little gloating of her own, claiming the four-way showmance is the island’s “powerhouse”.

Drag racing

As the tribes assemble together, Jeff wastes no time in telling everyone to drop their buffs and prepare for a switch. Everyone picks stones to determine the new tribe “captains”, and Natalie draws the orange stone to lead Airai, while Ozzy gets purple and will choose first for the new Malakal. (Is there anything Ozzy doesn’t win? If he doesn’t buy lottery tickets, he should really start.) It’s a schoolyard pick, and each captain must start by picking someone from the opposing tribe, then each pick will choose the next, alternating from tribe to tribe. If that sounds confusing, think of it this way: just like in a real schoolyard, the captains pick the bullies first, then the popular kids, with a couple of nerds left over. The new tribes, therefore, look like this:

Malakal: Ozzy, Joel (who Ozzy mistakenly refers to as “Troy”), Amanda, Erik, Aimee, Tracy, Cirie, Chet

Airai: Natalie, James, Alexis, Jonathan, Jason, Parvati, Kathy, Eliza

Jeff describes the reward challenge, which will consist of each tribe splitting into pairs, who will then be harnessed together. Two sets of pairs from opposing tribes will start at opposite ends of an obstacle course, which is a bunch of logs and trees bound together. One team will chase the other around the course and attempt to grab a flag from the back of one of the chase-ees. One flag equals one point, and there’s a one-minute time limit for each chase. The prize is a home BBQ, along with veggies, steaks, and wine. Plus, no Exile Island today, as Jeff smirks that the time is better spent getting to know their new tribemates.

Malakal will have the first “chaser” team, pitting Erik and Ozzy against Kathy and Natalie. No one really expects Kathy & Natalie to outrun Erik & Ozzy, and Ozzy snatches Kathy’s flag off in short order. Next up are Parvati and Eliza, who’ll be chasing Chet & Joel. The boys lead the girls on a merry chase – that is, Joel drags Chet unmercifully under, over, and through the obstacles, while Eliza similarly pulls along Parvati. Eliza’s determination wins out, and she triumphantly snatches off Chet’s flag, while disfiguring Parvati in the process. Parvati slurs that she’s suffered a fat lip, and indeed, it’s already swelling to an impressive size.

The tribes are tied as Aimee & Amanda go after James & Jason, and if you’re one of those people that love watching others get hurt, this is the round for you. Jason’s head connects solidly with a tree, but he’s apparently unhurt, while Aimee falls and drives her knee into the ground, swearing mightily as she staggers to her feet. However, Aimee manages to shake off the pain long enough to snare Jason’s flag. Next up to be maimed are Cirie and Tracy, who are fleeing from Jonathan & Alexis. Two words for Cirie for her next Survivor appearance – sports bra. Cirie flops around so painfully while running, I can only think that it’s lucky for her the flags aren’t attached to their chests instead of their backs. It slows Cirie down enough for Alexis to capture her flag, even though Jonathan has gouged his knee painfully.

The last round sees Chet & Joel vs. Parvati & Eliza once again, but this time the guys will pursue the girls. Parvati & Eliza bob and weave their skinny behinds around the logs, while Joel brutishly drags Chet around like a reluctant puppy who just doesn’t want to go for a walk. Chet’s body bounces and scrapes along the ground, and he either loses consciousness or just loses interest in winning, because even the mighty Joel can’t make Chet move fast enough to catch the lithesome girls. Airai wins the reward, and when Chet whimpers that his head hurts, Joel snarls that he doesn’t care. And threatens to beat him up after school.

Welcome to my parlor, said the spider to the fly

The old guard of Malakal welcome the new Fan members to their campsite, and Joel muses in confessional that his getting stuck on a team with Chet is a sort of poetic justice. See, he’s not the complete lunkhead everyone thinks he is. Though that’s part of his charm, as far as I’m concerned. Joel also thinks it’s maybe good to have expendable people on a tribe. Wait…is that Cirie lurking in the bushes, or is it just more of that foreshadowing?

Erik waxes positively fangirly over The Boy Who Can Do Everything, Ozzy, as he gazes out at the ocean, watching Ozzy dive and spear fish. Erik wistfully comments that Ozzy is so amazing, he just can’t compete with him. I’m thinking this is the beautiful beginning of a new 3-way showmance.

The object of Erik’s affections keeps busy pep-talking his new tribe, but frets in confessional that Chet seems to be kind of a lazy ass. Ozzy makes preliminary plotting noises about ridding Malakal of him, while Chet amuses himself by playing with the remaining chickens. Chet says in confessional that he likes chickens, and I suppose I would too if I didn’t have any other friends.

Hot Lips to rescue Hawkeye, stat!

At Airai, the new beginning is not quite so promising. Eliza is horror-struck to see that the Fans’ camp is a “disaster”, and James also looks disgusted by the state of affairs. He retains his sense of humor about it all, chuckling in confessional that he’s amazed the Fans are still alive after existing in such substandard conditions. Airai’s list of woes are endless – the fire pit has been dug too close on shore and the tide ends up washing out their fire and stalling the celebratory BBQ, Parvati gingerly prods her puffy face (and I notice James isn’t around – I guess sex kitten-types aren’t quite as nice with facial injuries), and Jonathan frets over his damaged knee. As it turns out, it’s in bad enough shape to justify summoning the Survivor medics. A young woman, who’s apparently not a fan of Jonathan, pours disinfectant into the gaping wound and then jabs a needle in his knee to freeze it before she stitches it up. Jonathan clutches his hat, whimpering like a little girl over his three stitches, and worries about infection.

Back at Malakal, the alpha males, Joel & Ozzy, discuss strategy while hero-worshipper Erik hangs out as third wheel. Erik marvels that Joel and Ozzy are like “two superpowers discussing terms”, but Joel remains distrustful, saying in confessional that it’s still a Fans vs. Favorites game, and someone needs to flip.

After the drama of the previous night, Jonathan has recovered enough to bark out some orders at his new tribe, and the members of Airai set to moving camp to a new location. Alexis and Natalie are swooning over the Favorites’ abilities, or possibly just swooning over James. Judging from the looks Alexis is sending over James’ way, Parvati better hope her face heals soon.

Speaking of showmance, the Amazonian Amanda has extracted a 40-pound shark from the tribe’s fishing net. Ozzy drools over his galpal’s catch, saying she “wrestled” the shark down and brought it back to camp. I’m thinking she probably just pulled the net in and watched the shark flop around on the beach until it died, but I’m unromantic that way. Ozzy thinks that kind of thing is mighty attractive, though, and if the entire tribe doesn’t appreciate Amanda’s womanly strength, they all belly up to the fire to stuff themselves with what Joel says is the best meal yet.

If it was medieval times, Malakal would be in the dungeon

Just like that, it’s immunity challenge time. Four members of each tribe will take turns throwing rocks at ceramic plates. When the plates are all broken, a bundle of wooden puzzle pieces will be released, and three members of each tribe will assemble the puzzle, making sure to match the colors. The remaining member will survey the puzzle solving and call out moves. Rock-throwers for Malakal are Ozzy, Tracy, Joel, and Erik, while Airai uses James, Jonathan, Alexis, and Jason. Malakal rocks the first part (no pun intended) and garners a huge lead, causing Jonathan to bitch about how unfair it must be. Jeff blows Penner off, saying that everyone’s rocks, plates, and ropes are identical, while Malakal dumps their pieces and begins to assemble them. Chet is doing his usual wishy-washy job of calling out instructions, while the quicker-minded Eliza (a phrase I thought I’d never use in relation to Eliza) does the job for Airai. Airai begins to pull ahead during the puzzle-solving, while Joel & Chet bicker about the right moves for Malakal. In yet another show of poetic justice, Eliza figures out the pattern first and Airai wins immunity.

Erik & Joel consult with each other and decide to forgo playing the numbers game, and plan to target Chet for elimination. Joel waxes poetic yet again, calling Chet a number of colorful names – spineless, wet rag, ball of goo. He despairs the lack of backbone on Chet’s part, and comments that if they were back in medieval times, they’d kill Chet. Or, perhaps, just pour his spineless ball of goo self into a sealed container. Joel takes his latest master plan to Ozzy, and they decide that Chet goes first, then Tracy. Erik sets off to bring Amanda into the loop, but Cirie, who’s also in attendance, is ominously silent during the discussion. She’s rightly worried about being targeted as yet another weak link, and so seeks out Chet & Tracy, then puts a bug in Ozzy’s ear about getting rid of Joel. Ozzy’s initially not buying what Cirie is selling, but Cirie continues to badger him, pointing out that Joel’s brawn was no help in the last two challenges, and points out that the gooey expendable Chet could be a useful pawn later on. No doubt about it, girlfriend could talk the stripes off a zebra. Ozzy muses in confessional that it might not be much fun playing the game further on with Joel, who’s determined to win.

More flip-flopping than a dead fish. Or a presidential candidate.

At Tribal Council, Jeff’s in a mellow mood, softballing his questions and letting Joel’s temper run the proceedings. Chet claims to know he’s been a target since day one, but professes to be happy with his new tribe. Tracy acts as Chet’s backbone and complains about the lack of communication between Chet & Joel during the reward challenge, and Joel rises to the bait and argues that he was trying to work with Chet, but he’s a heavy ball of goo. Chet whines that he felt like he was harnessed to a Mack truck then dragged through the forest, which isn’t so much a metaphor as it is plain old fact.

Erik stays true to his first loyalties, and votes Chet, as does Joel. Chet & Tracy, not surprisingly, vote Joel. However, the votes are read, and the final tally is five votes Joel, two votes Chet. Joel admits later to being stunned, but he departs quietly, leaving a distressed Erik and a smug Tracy and Cirie.

Next week, Aimee’s conflicted, Jason finds the fake immunity idol, and Jonathan’s the victim of an infection from his knee injury. Now if James would just get a few tattoos, all would be right in my world.

What would you name a chicken? PM me.

[Google]