The Bachelor - Ep 2 - The "F Bomb"
It was around a year ago that the Bachelor first came on.
: sigh: I get misty eyed as those were innocent times. It was before Joe fake Millionaire , Married by America , I used to be a almost a celebrity- Let me show how lame I can be, and ye gods “Are you Hot ?”.How was ABC going to top it, and get everyone to watch Bachelor 3? These are reality tv jaded times you know. Well they came up with something no one can resist – real money. Unlike faux Joe , Andrew Firestone really does have some serious cash. How he ever got talked into doing this , I haven’t a clue . He may have tired of the ‘right’ families pushing their Muffy’s and Bibby’s at him. Doesn’t matter, ABC got him, and what a coup.
I was prepared for some kind of Hugh Grant type I guess, and ABC promos didn’t do this lad any favors. I was unprepared for how nice he was. If you’ve ever met anyone from that set, he’s not typical.
When we last left the show, the gals were on their way ,five to a limo. Being stuck for a week in a limo with five girls who would cut your heart out, is pretty scary. Let the candidates for a platinum Mrs. Firestone Visa get out- quickly! Robochris mumbles his “let the journey begin” , and beats it .(Does anyone else think he went to the William Shatner school of emoting?)
Smiling Andrew meets:
Tina – she’s tailor made for this – will let him watch sports, prepare the food and escape with the credit card.
Liz- This is the one who has the gown ready . She doesn’t let Andrew in on this quite yet
Elizabeth- He says she looks great . He didn’t see her “I’ll walk down the isle” with anyone crying jag. Concealer works wonders.
Stephanie – Our goal oriented, Ring on the finger, pageant gal. She means business. She even has the retro sixties dress with the rhinestone buckle.
Christina 30- Allows her parents have controlled her life so far (30 ???? – I was married twice and had three kids by then) , If Andrew wants submissive , this one is a good candidate. She is very pretty, and Andrew smiles approvingly.
Christina 24- has lived so much life at 24, she figures she’s ready to settle down. Scary thought. She doesn’t have the other Chrissy’s parents I guess. What the heck has she been up to?
Virginia- says simply – I’m gonna win. Gee if Mark Brunette were editing this , I’d say you had a chance. He isn’t- so you don’t.
Kristen – from Minnesoooota. She’s happy with herself . Who let a normal girl in here? Fire that casting agent.
Amy 25 - Knows what it takes , so the rest can go home I guess.
Amber – Georgia bombshell – Andrew likes her and watches every step into the house.
I’m reminded of Michael Caine in Miss Congeniality teaching “the walk” She’s got The Walk ‘down’.
Audree – Is soo Haaappeee .She’s a Mormon whose daddy says no hot tubs. No fun for Andrew. Has she ever seen the show ?
Brook- No wallflower she’ll “show everyone”- Kiss of doom – she’s gone.
Karrie- I’m Educated, family oriented (and sounds like she’s doing a behavioral interview.)
Angela – 25 Not much romance , and wants romance – Is a very pretty girl.
Amy 29- He greets her with “you have a gorgeous smile” – she says “you have a nice tie”
She claims to know how to treat a man- oh yeah ?,pretty lame compliment . Guys love that “oh baby you’re the best” stuff better.
Heather- wants man of dreams – here goes the script again.
Courtney - I’m jealous and competitive – he’ll pick me. We know the editing and he won’t.
Rachel – Regularly channels Martha Stewart with her Mom, has the wedding planned to last detail. Scary. I have no doubt her undies match her bra.
Tina 26- Tells him “You have to keep me – I bought too many clothes” . Translated for Andrew “ I am a serial shopaholic, will you finance me?
Anne- Michelle- Wants to share her life , and oh yeah I’m fun in bed. Tell Andrew up front girl, I guarantee a Rose (Bow chicka bow as Paulie our resident romance expert would say)
Poor Andrew has to take break , he’s exhausted and has already seen Mrs. Firestone come by several times. RoboChris is relentless and forces him to meet the last 5. He’s none too happy.
Kirsten –The red satin dress clicks in to Andrews exhausted brain, and he rallies.
Shannon – another pageant girl . AF says she has gorgeous eyes. Watch out, she told us she goes after what she wants.
Jen 26 – This is the right thing to do . ( In what context Jen ?)
Jennifer- a sparkly red dress impresses Andrew.
Note to girls- red confuses Andrew. I am reminded suddenly of a bullfight, and Andrew is the bull.
Tiffany- allows she is the whole package as she “cooks cleans and is good in the bedroom”. No brains mentioned, so I assume she doesn’t have any. They saved the one who sums up a Stepford wife for the end.
Andrew is now spent. Oh Jeez Chris, you mean I got to go and schmooze with them now? Can’t you just pick me 15 that will sign a pre-nup? He walks in and they start cheering. This perks him up considerably. He says he feels like a bumbling idiot, But I think he’s doing well.The money buzz starts , and considering he says he’s into wine one thinks he’s a Coppola .Unfortunately Nic Cage (aka Coppola) was married to Lisa Marie Presley during the shoot. Not the whole time , but for a few days . He would have been nice …
Andrew finally drops the big “F Bomb” , as in “I’m a Firestone” as in Tires , as in my grampy hung with Ford and Edison. Don’t blame me for the blow up tires as MY Daddy owns several vineyards. It’s the cousins who pump out the bad rubber. Don’t worry girls, there is still plenty of that family moola laying around. Some of them are quite literally slack jawed when they are told. Greedy much? Andrew works the crowd for awhile, then starts culling the herd. One or two sit inside and read body language while Andrew does the ‘interviewing’. These girls must have watched a lot of court TV. The question of “alterations” comes up , and everyone suddenly looks away and studies the fine architectural elements of the house. Not one one breath can be heard, as no-one’s fessing up. You might as well girls. Once they break out the bikinis, it’s fairly obvious.
The Wisconsin girl answers Andrews’s most important question the best. “Do you like beer, I have my own brewery?” ”Of course I do, ask me about cheese!”
All too soon, Chris signals time is up. It’s like talking meat away from the big cats at feeding time at the Zoo. They ain’t too happy. For his part, Andrew at first refuses, as he is digging living out every males fantasy. “I wanna staaaay” !!!
No Andrew you must come and choose. “Crap” says Andrew, “I hope I don’t screw this up”. Look at what happened to the first two.
Andrew enters the now hallowed shrine room. He looks blankly at the pictures and ponders. He’s like us, in that he has almost no clue who’s who. Well says Chris “Sup? “Well”, starts Andrew,” there was that Georgia bombshell and that red satin dress.”
“Yeah but what about the Mormon girl?” chimes in Robo? ( I think Chris has women ‘issues’) Um yeah, she was nice – hey she lives in Las Vegas maybe it’s not so bad. That Liz was sweet and gorgeous ,and didn’t seem at all like the type who would have already brought a wedding dress.
“Times up wine boy , I’m going to instruct the harem” says Chris. Andrew looks questioningly at the photos.
Robo gives the most condescending blah blah speech ever. I know these ladies probably aren’t computer engineers, but they aren’t morons either – sheesh.
Andrew comes out and gives the true to myself speech . That’s usually saved for later , but nice touch .He spins it from not ‘dismissing anyone’ , to “Inviting 15 to stay”.
And out of the first round is : Kirsten, Amber, Rachel Lee Firestone ( self dubbed),Liz, Tina from Wisconsin!, Jersey Christina, Elizabeth , South Carolina Amy, Jen, Ann-Michelle, Las Vegas Audree, Shannon, Heather, Christina from little Rhody, The final rose goes to Tina from Tennessee. He loves the Southern Girls . Hey, our resident southern Belle, Firegirl should have entered. Firegirl Firestone . Nice handle.
Pageant girl Steph isn’t handling it too well, as she is used to at least being runner up. Guilt by association dear. He saw you and remembered Christi and Tx Heather from last time. You didn’t have a chance.
Next week they break out the silicone, I mean bikinis .
Eny is a senior veteran of the reality wars . Comments and cash can be directed to enygma@fansof realitytv.com
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