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American Idol, Top 8 Results Show: Last Dance for...Nobody?
Dramatic Voiceover Man is back once again and tells us, "The theme last night was "disco", and the finalists gave it their all in hopes of stayin' alive." He could have continued the Bee Gees references and said, "…And how deep is your love for these contestants? Well, your votes will tell us." However, he didn't. He just said his usual, "The dream ends for one of them tonight." Yawn, yawn…they should let me write the script sometime.
Ryan runs out on stage to greet everybody, and he's got on a suit jacket and t-shirt. Um, Ryan, that Miami Vice look hasn't really been in style since the show went off the air, and as far as I know, there isn't going to be a Miami Vice 2 anytime soon. Work on the wardrobe for next week, OK? Anyway, Ryan tells us that a record number of people (15+ million) voted. Oh, and he also shares with us, "I've just spent the last two hours picking glitter out of crevices all over my body." OK, first of all…eeeuuuw. That gives me a visual that is just not pleasant, no matter how hard I try for it to be. Secondly, Ryan, the disco show was last night, and you just started "picking the glitter out" two hours ago? Why did you wait until…never mind. I do not want to know.
We have our usual chat with the judges, and once again, Simon looks like he would rather be anywhere but there. Simon, are you still in the pissy mood you were in last night? For the love of God, Simon, cheer up! You are getting a gazillion dollars for doing the show, so what do you have to be so distressed about? We move on from the judges to chat with the contestants. Ryan has some questions for the finalists, and he starts by asking Joshua if being the focal point in the media that he is right now is added pressure for him. He replies, "Yes, it's added pressure because of everything that's going on right now. I'm thinking about the guys over there, and I'm thinking about this competition. But, I’m a Marine, and I do what I have to do." Ryan asks Carmen, "It looks like you are getting more and more comfortable with performing each week. Is that true?" Carmen answers with a simple, "Yes, it is." He then asks Kimberley Locke if "all of this" gets tiring. Kimberley says, "Yes, it does. I mean, we get up at 6 in the morning, and we go until late at night sometimes." Oh, puhleeze…cry me a river. I am up at 5:00 every morning, and I am not doing it with the hope that I might win a million-dollar recording contract. The camera cuts to the judges, and we see all three of them playing imaginary violins. Kimberley realizes her faux pas and quickly tries to climb out of the hole she has dug for herself. "It does get tiring, but we've learned to pace ourselves…For those of us who aren't used to this sort of schedule, it is a bit shocking. But I want to do it for the rest of my life." Ryan then asks Rickey about Simon's comments after his performance last night. Rickey says, "You've got to take what Simon says and just grow from it." Very diplomatic answer, Rickey.
We next see our usual "scenes from last night" montage, and then it is time for our first group performance of the evening. I say "first" because this is yet another one-hour Results Show, so you know there is going to be lots of filler. Anyway, the group performs the song "A Night To Remember". I don't recognize the song, so I cannot compare this performance to the original. The group sounds good, though, so I guess they did OK.
After our first commercial break of the evening, it's time for another one of those wonderful AT&T Wireless polls, and I'm realizing that the reason the Results Show is an hour long is so that the show's major sponsors like Ford, Coca-Cola, and AT&T can get in as many "buy our product" commercials as they can. Anyway, the poll tonight is, "Why was Simon in a bad mood last night?", and our choices are (A) because he hates disco, (B) because he hates everything, and (C) because his hot pants were rubbing his crotch. Oh, thanks, Ryan. Now I have an image of Simon in hot pants in my head. That's worse than that picture of Simon in a Speedo, and it is even worse than the image of you going on your glitter removal expedition. Yeah, thanks a whole hell of a lot.
Now, it's time for the "Questions From The Audience" segment (in other words, more filler). The first question is for Randy, "What is one piece of advice you'd give to aspiring entertainers?" Randy says, "Get out while you're ahead. No, really, I'd say you've got to be the best you can be every time you perform." Next, a woman asks Paula, "If you saw Simon walking towards you, would you take 2 steps back, or would you take 10 steps forward?" I realize that the woman is trying to work a reference to one of Paula's songs into the question, so I'll begrudgingly give her points for that. Anyway, Paula says, "I'd run right into his arms and just kiss him." That is all Ryan needs to hear, and he tries to get Paula to kiss Simon right then and there. She thinks about it, and then she says, "There's something in my head that's…I just can't do it." Paula has probably got that visual of Simon in hot pants in her mind, too. The next question is for Simon, and it is, "If you were on a deserted island, which of the finalists' CDs would you want to have with you?" Well, after his praise for Ruben last night, I expected Simon to say Ruben's, but he takes the diplomatic route and says he is not going to answer the question. The next audience member asks Ruben what his favorite and least favorite themes so far are. Ruben says, "Country was kinda cool.", and he says that he doesn't have a least favorite. The last question from the audience is for Kimberly Caldwell, and the audience member asks, "Are you and J.D. Adams dating?" Well, J.D. just happens to be in the audience once again, and Kimberly defers to him to answer the question saying, "We've practiced this one, and I want to see which answer he's going to use." Well, that right there tells me they are dating, but Ryan goes over to JD and asks him if they are a couple. J.D. tries to be evasive and says, "I would be so lucky if we were dating", but Ryan doesn't let up. He asks J.D. if the two of them have kissed. J.D. tries to "um…well, um…" his way out of it, but Ryan says, "Have you two made out or what?" Ryan, are you jealous of Kimberly or something? Anyway, J.D. says that their kiss was "just a little peck", and Ryan turns right to the rest of the audience and says, "Yeah, they're dating." Well, no s**t, Sherlock. He is there every week and sits with Kimberly's family every time. You do the math.
OK, we have had enough filler by now, so surely it's time for the results, right? Wrong-o, buckaroo. We get to see a video clip of the group recording "God Bless The U.S.A.", which, Ryan tells us, is going to be on the compilation album that will be coming out soon. The group sounds good, but there are two things I notice. Corey Clark is there in the studio with the group, and Kimberley Locke is not. Where is Kimberley? I know that when the group sang the song on stage last week that she was visibly moved, but is that why she's not there…because she didn't (or couldn't) sing it again? I don't know; I just think it is odd that Corey is there and Kimberley isn't.
We come back from another commercial break, and Ryan announces, "Inside I'm trembling like a 6-year-old girl." Um, OK, Ryan…heh heh…I guess you have that visual of Simon in hot pants on your mind, too. Anyway, before we get to the results, let's have some more filler. I mean let's watch another video clip. We get to see the group getting the complete spa treatment at their mansion, everything from massages to herbal wraps. Oh, yeah, Kimberley Locke, that's such a tough life y'all are leading.
Once the clip is over, it is finally time for the results, so let's get right to it. Ruben, don't sweat it, dawg. You are safe again this week. Kimberley Locke, you got generally good reviews of your performance of "It's Raining Men". America has voted, though, and you are in the bottom three this week. Huh? Kimberley is in the bottom three? I thought she was one of the best of the evening, so I should have taken the fact that she was in the bottom three as a sign this was not going to be a normal Results Show. Little did I know what was to come later. Anyway, moving on…Rickey, the judges (with the exception of Paula) did not like your performance. America has voted, and you are…safe. WHAT? Rickey is safe this week? America, did you watch the same show last night that I did? I keep thinking that maybe Ryan will laugh and say "April Fools!" and put Kimberley back on the couch and Rickey in the bottom three, but he doesn't. He continues. Joshua, you did not get very good reviews last night, either. America has voted and you are…safe this week, too. OK, something is not making sense here. I check outside, but there is no full moon. I just do not understand how Rickey and Joshua can be safe and Kimberley can be in the bottom three! Surely, Trenyce, who the judges thought did pretty well, will be safe, right? Nope. She is in the bottom three this week. I give up. I just give up. I do not understand these results at all. Next up is Clay, and if he is in the bottom three this week, too, I am going to stop watching the show altogether and switch over to that stupid show Are You Hot?. Thankfully, Clay is safe, so I don't have to subject myself to that idiotic excuse for a television show. Anyway, that leaves us with Kimberly Caldwell and Carmen Rasmusen. One of them is safe, and one of them is in the bottom three. Of course, the way things are going this evening, there may be a tie, and they both might be going to center stage with Kimberley and Trenyce. Who knows? Anyway, we will find out the answer…you know the drill by now…after the break.
We come back from break, and Ryan tells us that Kimberly is safe and that Carmen is in the bottom three this week. Personally, I think Carmen gave her best performance to date, but I suppose of the three who are center stage, she was the weakest. Now that the bottom three has been announced, Ryan asks the judges who surprises them the most by their appearance in the bottom three. Randy says he is most surprised by Kimberley Locke being there. Paula says she is surprised by all three. Simon echoes Paula's sentiment and says he does not agree with the choices at all. He says, "One person over there sitting on the sofa right now is very lucky." Everyone tries to pressure Simon into revealing whom he's talking about, but he doesn't budge. "He knows who he is, and I don't want to embarrass him here." The camera cuts to the finalists, and we see Rickey smiling just a bit. I think he realizes how lucky he truly is.
Anyway, now that the bottom three have been announced, it's time to put one of them out of their misery and send them right back to the couch with the others. Who will it be? Ryan announces that…Kimberley is safe and can return to the couch. Kimberley does not hoot and holler like she did the first time she was sent back to the couch, so I assume she's learned her lesson on that subject. Anyway, that leaves us with Trenyce and Carmen. We'll find out what happens to the two of them…yep, you guessed it…right after the break.
Once back from break, Ryan tells us that Trenyce and Carmen are both going to sing again so that the people who did not vote for them can see what they missed. In other words, it is time for more filler. Carmen is first up, and she once again sings "Turn The Beat Around". I'm sorry, but I think Carmen does even better tonight than she did last night. Maybe that is because she is giving it her all since this could be her swan song. I don't know, but, then again, I didn't really think she should be in the bottom three to begin with. When Carmen is through, Trenyce does an encore of "I'm Every Woman". For some reason, I think Trenyce doesn't sound quite as good as she did last night, but I certainly do not think she should have been in the bottom three, either. Nevertheless, America has voted, and one of these two has to go home. We will find out whose dream of winning is over…right after the break.
We come back from the break, and Ryan tells us that the results of that silly AT&T Wireless poll are in. Why was Simon in a bad mood last night? Well, 25% of the people who voted thought it was because he hates disco music, 28% thought it was because he hates everything, and 47% thought it was because his hot pants were rubbing against his crotch. Damn you, Ryan! Just when I finally get that image out of my head…
Anyway, it is time to announce who is going home this week. Will it be Trenyce? Will it be Carmen? Ryan opens the card to read the results. He tells us, "As you all know, one finalist, namely Corey Clark, was already sent home this week. The decision was made…before the votes came in…that…nobody will be going home this week! In other words, Trenyce and Carmen, you're both safe!" Carmen and Trenyce are both stunned (as am I), and the other finalists join them on stage to celebrate the good news. The camera quickly cuts to Simon, and he looks pissed by all of this. Then again, Simon looks pissed by almost everything these days. Anyway, while the group is hugging each other behind him, Ryan tells us that while nobody is going home this week, the vote totals will be carried over to next week and will be combined with the votes after next week's performances to determine the next finalist to go home. In other words, everybody is going to have to raise his or her game for next week. It does not necessarily mean that Trenyce, Kimberley, and Carmen will be in the bottom three again next Wednesday. The group gives us one more group performance (This time, it's "Boogie Wonderland", and the group does a decent job with it), Ryan tells us goodnight, and then the end credit start to roll across the screen.
Well, this certainly was the most interesting Results Show yet, and it had the most shocking outcome since Tamyra Gray was voted out last season. What will happen next week? If tonight's show was any indication, there is no telling. Hell, Edgar and Keith might show up to battle it out to replace Corey. Who knows…?
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