Night 18

The Jaburu’s haul themselves back from TC and bemoan the departure of the person they just voted out.

Deena (confessional) – I miss Shawna. It’s not the same here without hearing her whine about dying and being trapped and then miraculously feeling better every time she catches sight of Alex..

Being at their lowest ebb, Rob senses the tribe is ripe for him to lay down his master plan.

Rob – Hey guys, why don’t the men go up to Roger when we merge and tell him we think he’s great and that we all want to be in his gang?

Jenna – But then you’ll just vote the girls out.

Rob, finally sensing a total lack of brainpower from Jenna, explains the plan in full and patient detail, so as to preserve any remaining shred of a chance he might have to get with her. Ok Jenna, they’re not actually going to do it, they’re just going to tell Roger they’re going to do it.

Jenna – Oh, right.

She clearly still doesn’t get it but everyone’s looking at her the way her math teacher used to when handing back assignments.

The decision is made that Dave will be voted off first

Day 19

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Rob still believes humour is the best aphrodisiac and lays a funny “you’ve got tree mail” on the ladies as they go to collect the delivery.
While she doesn’t laugh, Deena does tell him he’s made the experience more enjoyable for her. Jenna however is unmoved. Nice try Rob, but it takes a lot more than that to get Jenna to drop her drawers.
Rob opens the tree mail and discovers the key to the mystery box. The Jaburu’s high tail it back to camp while we nip over to Tambaqui to find them also in the process of reading their mail.

The mystery box contained nothing more than a small piece of paper bearing their instructions.
They really could have simply used a “mystery envelope” and then not had to cut out several hours of footage of Rob taking the opportunity to ask Jenna and Shawna if he could see their box.

One tribe women, the other men
until we switched it round.
We know this really suited Rob,
A genuine poon hound.

Now it’s time to form one tribe,
we think will be a belter.
So grab your crap and follow this map
Oh, and you have to build a new shelter.

Brilliantly sensing they need to get their stuff and meet Jiff, the Jaburu’s start to feverishly pack.
Jenna’s nervous, but Deena takes the time to establish that the others are “down with Jaburu”. Her boot order of Dave, Roger and Butch garners an “Amen sister” from Alex.
Rob’s advice to “never let them see the five of us talking” is agreed with and sealed with a communal “potato”.
The Tambaqui’s are saying their final farewells too.
Heidi – Goodbye camp, you fat bastard.
Butch – I’ll never forget this place (defining moment # 76,559)

Dave looks longingly at the camp and sheds a silent tear.
He runs back and places a large rock to mark the spot of his “freakin’ men of honour, integrity and what not” speech.

Both tribes miraculously arrive to meet Jiff at the same time.
Jiff tells them to get all their stuff because they won’t be coming back to these boats.

Shii Ann – Haha, they think they’re going to merge, but what’ll actually happen is that they won’t merge for a few more days. Brilliant really.
Jiff – Ok guys, you’re going to merge.
Shii Ann – Shit.

Jiff – You will live out the rest of your days in the Amazon as one tribe.

Amazingly no one presses him for confirmation of whether he means “the rest of their days in the Amazon”, or more horrifically, “the rest of their days…in the Amazon”.
They skip off, blissfully unaware that, but for emphasis, Jiff could have consigned them to living there forever.
He tosses new red buffs in their direction and tells them to get going to their new camp.
Butch makes a beeline for Deena. Later he’ll corner Jenna as the only other person not yet exposed to the all-encompassing power of the “Believe” banner.
Jenna’s eager to get to their new camp so she can put a pot of water on to wash her buff.

Christy – I’m so happy I made the merge, that was my goal. (does a happy arm dance).
Your goal was to make the merge? Christy does indeed look cheery. Amazing what personal highs you can reach when you don’t weigh yourself down with the burden of ambition.
Dave’s happy too. Everything is going according to his detailed projections. The guys are on course.

They reach camp and annoyingly feign surprise that a feast has been left for them.
There’s always a merge feast, always. They do appear to have gone somewhat over the top this season by providing hot dogs, burgers, chicken, relished and as Dave would say, all manner of whatnot.

Dave confessional : It was so righteous, we were so excited about the food, no one was thinking about who was going next.

Hmmm, who’s going next? That would be Roger Dave, then you, then Butch.
I’d like to buy a clue please Pat.
That’s right Dave. You just carry on “building friendships, by the time-honoured method of throwing food to eat other.

Butch – Woohoo, look at this? (holds up small preserved cucumber)
Jenna – Yah, my favourite.

Butch throws it to Jenna. Final confirmation, if it were needed, that Jenna loves the pickle.
With each of them raising a can of beer and toasting their final ten status, we cut to the break.

Ok, we’re back, just in time to see Deena propose “Jacare” as the new tribe name.
Alex seconds the motion, by way of simply repeating everything Deena says.
The name is repeated over and over as if it’ll conjure up the Amazon God of shelter building. It doesn’t, but is adopted anyway.

Sensing a little too much fun in the air, Roger decides to put an end to it.
He gets up and starts to busy himself, obviously hoping the others would too.
The others slowly get to their feet and feel the best way to make a contribution to the clean up effort is to mill aimlessly. No campsite can ever have too many aimless millers.
They gather together what remains of the food and the men make keeping the beer iced top priority. Forget that it’s rainy season, forget that they have a shelter to build, the tribe finally achieves harmony in the pursuit of keeping the beer as cold as possible for as long as possible, using an elaborate raincoat cooling system. Yeah, suck on that Ron Popeil.

Now, as if Roger hadn’t alienated everyone enough, he goes for the killer “go on then, hate me” punch, by getting aggressive with dear old Butch, removing the cans he had so lovingly placed in his coat to remain chilled.

Now to an extent, I do agree with Roger, so what if the cans are warm. Apparently I feel this way because I “just don’t understand beer”.

The food is all packed away so it’s time to mill aimlessly for a little while longer then on to building the shelter.
Roger – Ok, the strongest guys and me will build the shelter right here.
(points to where he’s standing)
Deena – it’s too close to the water. It’s swampy down there.
Jenna – it wouldn’t be if you’d washed your undies twice daily as I suggested.

There follows a slight disagreement about the whether or not the caiman will climb up to their camp. Deena’s training leads her to say yes, while confident they’ll be repelled by the stench of vinegar, Roger says no.
A rather embarrassing silence descends the camp.
You know when you’re with a group of friends and one of them makes a supposedly humourous comment about one of the others. Person two pretends to be offended and you all laugh, except person two is actually offended, so then you just feel awkward and embarrassed and no one says anything? Well, that kind of silence.
Roger feels that the “differential” doesn’t actually make any uh, difference and Deena pulls a nyah nyah face behind his back. While I would normally say this is a most immature stance to take, Roger does elicit that type of response.

The shelter making begins. Dave chops at a tree while holding a can of beer. Butch chops down another tree, inexplicably leaving the stump at “ball” height. I hope it isn’t in the direct path of the latrine that Roger will, no doubt, assign the females to dig.

Christy would like to help build the floor of the shelter, but Roger and his team have it covered.
So if you’d just like to run along and get some palm fronds, Roger will call you as soon as the floor is built then you can come and clean it Christy.
Ahhh, division of labour.

Deena, Heidi and Jenna slope off to collect palm and talk tactics.
Oh wait everyone, Heidi’s had an idea, this should be good.
Instead of booting Dave first why don’t they Roger because he’s a woman hater and he’d never vote for a female if he is on the jury. Oh right Heidi, brilliant plan. That’s really … hmmm, actually that is a good plan – dammit.
Jenna says they should vote off Roger first then turn their attention to the strongest of the remaining males. Dammit, that’s a good idea too.

Deena –confessional I wanted to boot Dave first because he’s super strong.(cut to shot of Dave scaling a tree for seemingly no other reason that to annoy Rob) Jenna and Heidi came up with a really good plan, I know, I was shocked too. Roger’s a sexist so screw him.

Ok, this is moist disturbing. Heidi and Jenna come up with a reasonable and well thought out plan of action and Deena’s contribution is “screw him”.

Back at the construction site, Roger and the builders discuss the simple beauty of a plan falling into place.
Roger – There’s four girls and six guys, we can just boot them one by one. It all seems too easy.

Hmmm, a word of caution Roger. When something seems too easy, it’s probably Jenna or Heidi.

Dave confessional – I’d be sweating if I were Christy. I made a decision based on my rocketly scientificish ability and the plan is to basically go along with exactly what the swimsuit model told me.

Matt, Jenna and Heidi decide to paint the new tribe flag, then magically Matt stands beside Alex for a joint confessional.

Alex – Roger thinks it’s boys v girls but really he’s first to go.
Matt – Second.
Alex No first, we changed the order because Roger was being an ass.

They smile the expansive, half-maniacal grins of two men totally unaware of how high their names are on the boot list.
Matt is even confident that the alliance will hold until the end.
If that were the case Matthew, there would be seven winners.

Night 19

Now normally as with food talk when you’re starving, I would caution against sex talk in a situation where you are unlikely to get any. This idea was formulated before this current Survivor season, so we hadn’t yet been introduced to Heidi and Jenna.

Alex begins the discussion by posing the age old and completely unoriginal “where is the weirdest place you had sex?” question.

Thankfully Roger has passed out so won’t be taking part in the discussion.

Christy gets the ball rolling, as it were, but telling some story about some the Washington Monument on the fourth of July. I would have awarded her two points for a not entirely believable story, but bump it up to four (one short of the maximum) due to the inclusion of a fireworks display. Nice.

Dave – Yeah, there was me and these two chicks and we ate ice cubes off each others bodies. It was so totally cool. The situation that is, not the ice. Well, the ice was cool too.
Dave, shut it. No one believes that crap. One point and you were lucky to get that.

Rob is not impressed with Dave’s attempts to turn on the slick charm and thinks he might be able to use that to persuade one of the girls to vote with him.
Well he did Rob, Heidi. He didn’t even have to use the charm as she was more than willing to stab Gene in the back.

Having earlier confessed that he hoped the girls would drink enough to give him a chance with one of them, Rob goes on to tell us that about some fat girls, who were nice, but they moved away so none of them would know them anyway.

Alex is impressed with the “two girls” element of the story and claims Rob “sealed the deal”.
I’ll award three points for this story because Rob’s self-deprecating approach is wearing thin with me.

Alerted by the talk of threesomes Heidi decides now would be a good time to tell the guys that if they want one they should basically just ask any two women they randomly meet as chances are they’ll say yes. Naturally she looks to Jenna to back up this statement, who has a hard time remembering the last time she said no – to anything.

This is all too much for Rob who confesses that a change of game plan might be in order.
If he can engineer the scenario that leaves him, Jenna and Heidi as the last people standing he could be hitting “Threesomeville” on a regular basis.
That will, apparently, be the “most incredible moment of his life and he’ll never forget it”.
Of course you won’t Rob. You’ll have a burning sensation when you pee to act as a constant reminder.

Day 21

No day 20?

Roger decides that the very best thing to do is to whack your machete against a piece pf wood for no apparent reason, hence waking everyone up. Mercifully they cut the footage where he “sprayed” every square inch of the shelter.

Deena and Rob meet once again to discuss strategy. Deena has a yellow smiley face on her left arm that someone else must have drawn for her. There’s just no way she could have arms that long is there?
Sorry, sidetracked trying to avoid another “down with Roger” talk.
Deena informs Rob that the vote is now 7-3 and Rob posts his intention to make Roger think the original game plan is still a go.
They confirm that Dave is number two on the boot list much to Rob’s joy.

Deena – Never be so stupid as to think the women haven’t been plotting and scheming since day one. Never underestimate the power of a woman.

She uses a Trista-style baby voice to point out “games are for girls”.
I wonder if she ever uses that voice in court, couple that with the nyah nyah face she pulled at Roger and you could have yourself a reasonably effective last-ditch prosecution tactic – or not.

Rob’s happy to let her bask on her estrogen induced power haze as long as she agrees to allow one boy to come along for the ride.
Deena states the new final three to “you, me and Jenna”, which although technically doesn’t entirely put the kybosh on his threesome plans, might at least dull his desire to carry them out.

Cut to Jenna and Deena on land acting girly as Matt, Dave and Butch catch fish.
Quick as a flash, Jenna notes that as their haul is 11 fish and there are ten Survivor’s they’ll get a fish each. Who said she was dumb? Hmm, I did and I stand by it.

They decide that even though they both might never win individual immunity it doesn’t matter because they’re going to make the final three anyway. Which in Mark Burnett speak means they won’t.

Deena – confessional Dave, Butch and Roger think they have this thing sewn up, but there was an Adam and then there was an Eve.
Eve just took Adam along with the boat.

Did she? I thought it was Noah with the boat and Eve with the apple.

Anyhoo, IC time.

Immunity Challenge

The tribe meets up with Jeff and does him the professional courtesy of oohing and aahing when he reveals the new immunity necklace.

It’s the old “stand on a platform challenge” and something tells me none of the people we see before us has what it takes to come anywhere close to the ten hours Alicia, Tina and Keith managed in S2.

Roger nearly falls off before Jiff even declares the event underway but manages to regain his balance with wild circular motions of the arms.

About 25 minutes in, having nearly fallen a second time, Roger says he doesn’t think he can last much longer. He of course means in the challenge, we of course know the statement could equally apply to the game as a whole.
Sensing an early dive from Roger, Jiff mentions in passing that temptations will be on offer to lure them from their platforms.

He barely finishes his sentence before Jenna offers to strip for peanut butter and chocolate. Ok Jenna, it’s a fairly simple concept. Jiff offers you food and you jump off if you want the food. You can remain clothed at all times.

Heidi is totally on board with this idea.
They strip, jump in and to the sound of “show us your asses” from the platforms swim over to collect the reward.
Butch is at great pains to point out to his students that he didn’t look. Dave, who does not consider himself responsible for the moral well being of astronauts, proudly states he did.
I challenge anyone to say they lost their dignity with that little display.
You cannot lose what you never had.
Did I point out they didn’t actually have to strip off, they could have just jumped off and got the treat anyway? I did? Good.

Jeff Varner makes a lightning fast phone call to Survivor HQ asking to have his picture removed from the ‘Contestant who did the most stupid thing for Peanut Butter” space on the memory wall.
Roger takes a dive five minutes later, but mercifully negotiated no such “nipples for nutty butter” deal.
Butch, Alex and Rob jump next for a share of pizza, followed by Matt and Dave for half shares in spicy wings and blue cheese dip.

After a pathetic 2 hours 30 minutes, Deena and Christy decide to split a plate of pasta and “rock, paper, scissors” their way to a resolution on who gets to don the necklace for the first time.
Deena goes “rock”, Christy plumps for “scissors”, yet needs confirmation that she lost out.
Victory to Deena, who is able to claim food and immunity, nice work.

Back at camp after the break, we note that Dave and Roger still haven’t quite got the gist of the plan, despite everyone giving the thumbs up when Roger jumped off the platform.
They are still under the impression Christy is being voted out.

Dave – Six guys, four girls. I mean come on, you don’t have to be me to work that one out.

Tribal Council

Jiff – So Butch, how is the tribe getting along.
Butch – Peachy Jeff.
He tries to lead the group in a quick rendition of The Barney Song.

Jiff – So Jenna, you stripped for peanut butter.
Jenna - Woohoo.
Heidi – Yeah we did hahaha!
Jiff – Why?
Jenna – Coz it was fun.
Heidi – Yeah, fun hahaha!

Heidi is turning into a complete nutter. Her hollowed out skull is home to two of the crazy-ass looking eyes I’ve ever seen.

The Roger/Deena stand off continues with Deena stating they used the time created by Roger’s refusal to allow them to help with the construction of the shelter to bond with one another. Even then Roger doesn’t understand the full implications of that bonding time and calls them Indians or something.

Time to Vote.

Roger votes “Christie”, but only because she didn’t hang on for immunity.
I’m rather lost as to why Deena’s immunity automatically means Christy has to go. Why not Jenna or Heidi?

Deena votes Roger, making the “power of a woman” speech yet again.

Rob delivers his already legendary Casey Kasem impression after which Jiff goes off to “tally”.

Christie, Christie, Roger, Roger, Christie. Butch voted for Christy? How could you Butch? We believed in you.
Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger.

As Roger stands to leave, a “what the fuuuuuu………” look spreads across Dave’s face.
It’s always amazing how the smartest of people can’t work out the simplest of things.
Uh Dave, let me assist you here, some of the guys voted for Roger. Got it? Good.

Roger’s flame successfully snuffed, his exit speech has him outwitted and outlasted but defiant till the end.
Roger – I was not outwitted, or outlasted.

Uh, sorry Rog, but you were.

Next week on Survivor

Hide the knives, Matthew’s gonna blow.
Heidi gets cozy with Dave, Heidi's gonna blow.