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Thread: Celebrity Boot Camp: My Lame Recap by Cali

  1. #1
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Sep 2002
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    My Lame Recap of Celebrity Boot Camp

    For some unknown reason I decided to recap “Celebrity Boot Camp”. No one asked me too, I volunteered. What was I thinking????

    This recap will be pretty short (for a two hour show). It will also be pretty lame, as I do not feel well this morning, and it was a lame show
    We are introduced to the ten QC’s (Quasi Celebrities), then to the drill Instructors (hence forth known as the DI’s) who read us the QC’s names like good little soldiers would: “Lamas, Lorenzo starred in Televisions Renegade. Has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and Karate” Ooohhhh, that’s pretty impressive.
    Unfortunately it’s all down hill from here.
    My favorite 3 were:
    “Zeiring. Nikki: considers herself a good friend of Hefners”
    “C, Vitamin: Likes to balance things on her head”
    “Morvan, Fabrice: Forced to return Grammy”

    These 10 QC’s had no idea what the hell they had gotten themselves into. They were laughing and joking on their 3:30am bus ride into camp. They have big smiles as the DI’s board the bus. With in 1.06 seconds there was not a pearly white to be seen. The DI’s wiped the smiles off their faces quick, fast, and in a hurry. I thought Kato was going to cry.

    They are brought into the processing room… to be processed…. They line up and are told, one at a time. Wait, They aren’t told, they are screamed at. Up in your face, spit flying in your eye, hot breath up your nose: SCREAMED AT!!!! DUMP YOUR SUITECASES OUT NOW.

    You really will have to forgive me, as I really had a hard time understanding the Neanderthals, but will do my best to capture a few of the better moments

    1) They make Vitamin C balance her make-up bag on her head
    2) They make Bingham put on the knee high, bright pink, pleather boots she brought to boot camp.
    3) They question Barry about his wedding band. All goes well until Barry says “Yes Ma’am”….. to one of the MALE DI’s. Much in your face screaming ensues.
    4) They make Tiffany sing: “I think we’re alone now there doesn’t seem to be anyone around…”
    5) They make Fabrice Lip Sync Tiffany’s song. Only he doesn’t know the words.
    6) They ask Faustino if he actually tells people he used to be Bud Bundy: “NO SIR”

    Vitamin C was crying 3 hours into Boot Camp.

    They go out for the march… Say it with me:
    Left, Right, Left, Right, Left. Then we are treatedto one of the DI’s…. “YOU’RE OTHER LEFT FOOT BINGHAM… YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME… THE OTHER LEFT FOOT”

    Coolio and Faustino are ready to go. Coolio likens ot to Jail. Says he didn’t care much for jail.

    For the record, Coolio was my pick to win, I thought he would have no problem with this. He’s falling fast, and being pretty much a big giant @$$ about the whole thing

    They have a mile run and some other boot campy type stuff. Now it is time for Mission 1

    E.P.I.C. (Extract Pilots Indemnify Cargo)
    They have been split into two teams, but for this mission will work as one… whatever, why the hell split them now? Rescue two downed pilots, retrieve 1 missile and get them all back to the beach in 25 minutes.
    Coolio is yelling the entire time. I think he should have been a DI. They complete the mission with 42 seconds to spare. They are all reamed because the missile was on wheels, but they refused (even though Coolio yelled that it would be a good idea) to put either of the pilots on top of it to wheel them in.

    Since they won, they each get a 1 minute phone call. Only 2 stand out as worth mentioning:
    1) Zeiring uses this time to check her voice mail
    2) Kato dials wrong so he leaves a message on a strangers answering machine “Hi, you don’t know me because I thought I dialed my saughters phone number…..”

    Dismissal number 1

    Vitamin C and Nikki Zeiring are dismissed from Boot Camp

    Mission 2

    V.I.R.U.S (Vital Information Recall Under Stress)
    Instructions are simple. You will be captured and interrogated. DO NOT TELL THEM ANYTHING. By that I’m pretty sure they mean DO NOT TELL THEM ANYTHING. Try to get any information you can while you are captured.
    You are split into two teams.
    ALPHA: Coolio, Kato, Bingham, Williams
    BRAVO: Lamas, Tiffany, Fabrice, Faustino

    3 hours in. It’s in the 90’s and they are not given any food or water. They have been blindfolded and handcuffed all this time.
    The blindfolds come off for small periods of time throughout the mission.
    8 hours in and Bingham starts singing like a bird.
    “What was your mission yesterday?”
    “We had to rescue 2 pilots and 1 missile SIR”
    “Who is training you?”
    “Rosenbaum, Moore and Francisco SIR”
    “How many recruits did it take to complete the mission?”
    “10 SIR”

    After the mission the two teams are asked a series of 10 questions. Alpha got 3 right. Bravo got 7 right. Lamas was kickin’ some serious butt here. He knew them all! Ah, my new favorite. Lamas is cool man!

    It is time for Dismissal number 2. Four of the remaining 8 will leave. Bingham doesn’t want it to be her and she can’t understand why the DI’s are being so mean to her.. Um… Honey, YOU GAVE THE ENEMY THEIR NAMES! So it’s a given that she’ll go.
    1) Williams
    2) Morvan
    3) Kato
    4) Tiffany

    WTF???? Tiffany????? Yes, Bingham makes it to the final four and Judas is the new national hero.

    They go right onto the competition that will determine the final 2. The recruits must hang on a bar until there are only two left hanging. Faustino gets to hang next to Lamas. This is funny only because it looks like a father and son playing on the playground equipment. Lamas is a tall man. He towered over the DI’s. Faustino is maybe 4’11”. It was cute

    One minute and 24 seconds in Faustino falls. A minute later Lamas tries to rearrange his grip and slips. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

    Coolio and Bingham are the final 2. They have been awake for over 19 hours, but the 24 hour gauntlet starts NOW.

    I wish I cared enough to really have fun with the Gauntlet events. But I don’t.
    1) Cold shower ~ Coolio wins
    2) Build identical wall ~ Coolio wins
    3) Obstacle course 1 ~ Coolio wins
    4) Tower repel while remembering info ~ Coolio wins
    5) Bomb Color Match to spell out code ~ Coolio wins
    6) Shoot targets ~ Coolio wins
    7) Obstacle course 2, run twice.. beat your own score ~ Bingham wins
    8) Bar hang that got you to the Gauntlet ~ Bingham wins

    Now it’s time for the ex-recruits to return and pledge their dog-tags to one of the finalists
    1) Morvan ~ Bingham
    2) Zeiring (because they posed for playboy together) ~ Bingham
    3) Faustino ~ Bingham
    4) Lamas ~ Bingham
    5) Kato ~ Coolio
    6) Vitamin C (After a coin toss) ~ Coolio
    7) Williams (Because he looks scared to death of him)~ Coolio
    8) Tiffany ~ Coolio

    Coolio is the winner of the $50,000. I must mention that I never once heard any referance to Charities. I do believe that Coolio gets to keep his money!

    All in all, it was a fun watch. The faces on the QC’s as they were being screamed at was priceless. Lamas admitted to shaking. Coolio was ready to quit. These DI had the time of their lives!
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  2. #2
    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    Sep 2002
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