Night 15

There are some questions that you should never ask,
(Do I look fat in this? Is she prettier than me? Am I doing this right?)
for fear of hearing the wrong answers.
(Yes, you’re blocking out the sun. Her dog is prettier than you. No, my last girlfriend did it better)
Why Christy felt the need to ask why she was spared in favour of Jeanne is beyond me.
Perhaps it hadn’t occurred to them to boot you Christy. Perhaps you were third on their list of possible bootees. Perhaps you’ve just convinced them they should boot you next.
No matter, Christy wants answers.

Roger – well, Jeanne was basically just Butch.

This bothers Dave, who brokered the Heidi deal. Obviously not enough to mention anything that night though, as his confessional on the subject is made in broad daylight.

Dave confessional – I thought we booted Jeanne because Jenna said she was next to go from Jaburu because everyone hated her because she was old and stuff.

While they’re “heart to hearting”, Heidi decides to inform the group that she voted for Gene because if she hadn’t they wouldn’t have been able to move forward as a tribe if things had been 3 –3. Obviously now potentially 3-2 doesn’t bother her as much.

They retire for the evening, leaving Dave to no doubt stew all night thinking about the comment that spawned his confessional from the following morning that we’ve already heard.

Day 16

Dave yawns hugely. Oh how nice, hasn’t brushed his teeth for 15 days yet still doesn’t put his hand in front of his face.
Heidi picks crust out of the corner of her eye. I really wish she’d eaten it just to remove any lingering doubts that there is a “hot girl” in there somewhere. No such luck.

Heidi : confessional – I was totally looking forward to today.
This is the start of a new team and I’m full of anticipation. We’ll be like this team working together as a team.

Now, teams should work together as, err, teams, I can’t argue with that.
I can however say that Heidi will never make it as an inspirational speaker.

Heidi’s Inspirational Speaking Tour – 2003
Lesson 2 – “Get up off your jiggly ass and let the cute ones have the sofa”

Heidi – There are times when we find ourselves between a rock and a hard stone. In those times we have to be like a team, working together as a team.

I’m snapped back to reality by Dave asking “what’s the order of operations for today?”
Of course Roger has it all in hand. He rolls out his detailed “plan of attack”, using a sharpened stick to motion to certain areas as he mentions them.

Roger – The men will comb the surrounding area for chow, while the females are on latrine detail. We’ll convene at base camp at 0900 hours.

Thanks Patton.

Even with a splendid set of man boobs, Rob still qualified to use the men’s restroom, so the women now have to supply their own facility.
The men traipse off into the distance, which displeases Heidi greatly. You’d think she’d be used to men not wanting anything to do with her in the morning.
She thought it was a new day, they’d be a team, working together as a team.

We usually see either, comments made to each other or “confessionals” during the show.
Heidi now gives a bizarre hybrid of the two in “confessing” to the camera, with Christy standing right beside her. I don’t like this at all. It just didn’t look right. It was strange and unnatural and a little disturbing. Rather like a scrawny chick with huge, chest ripping fake boobs…
She looks at the camera, she looks at Christy, the camera, Christy. Stop it. I don’t like it.
Now, I can’t be certain, I played it back over and over again to try and determine exactly what she said, but I think she described the “guys have gone off and left me digging a hole with an ugly girl” situation as, “a much crap”.
I have no idea what this means. I would be disturbed if I did understand the inner-workings of her mind, but I do note that her hair is very neatly braided and she doesn’t look quite as horrific as usual, so I’ll let the “much crap” thing go….. for now.

Over at Jaburu, the men are raiding the toiletries the women won during the “have you got any conditioner?” “No, she just took, my conditioner”, “ok, but have you got any conditioner?” challenge.
Being the Egon Ronay of the Amazon and all-round eligible bachelor he is, you would think Matt would know that eating toothpaste results in a big tooth growing in your stomach and then you die. Obviously shamefully unaware of this fact, he scoops a little onto his forked tongue.

Rob – Hey, I just brushed my teeth, tongue sandwich anyone?

None of the ladies is interested, but he does get an offer from Alex. You know Alex, the straight one?

Alex – this is the best thing that’s happened in 16 days.

Haha, hear that “Pouffle”? Brushing his teeth is better than meeting you.

Deena assesses the situation. The guy’s presence is making her a target, yet she adores them. What savage irony.
Matthew laments the fact that the guys on the other tribe were always trying to think of ways to win the game. It’s so much nicer at Jaburu what with all the sitting around they do. To illustrate this we are “treated” to a shot of Alex and Shawna snuggling in the shelter.

First off Matthew, everyone on the other team was a guy and the most tactical of all, Rob, came to this tribe with you. Get a handle on this damn you man.

Matthew confesses that everyone here seems so much more genuine, but appearances are deceiving.
Indeed Matthew. When this show started you appeared to be human, rather than the thin-skinned, robot fisherman proto-type we see before us today.

The straight, cool guy and the human tumbleweed have switched positions. He’s now lying with his head in her lap while she scratches at his scalp with her filth encrusted fingernails.
Alex then goes on to commit the cardinal Survivor sin – thinking of his tribe mates as friends rather than as people who are standing between him and a million dollar pay out.
He came here to play the game, but he loves the adventure, loved meeting everyone, that’s what makes this experience so great. Go back to Belly and that other tree-hugging freak Gabe and tell Boogie to make sure he tells CBS to cast a member of his staff who actually wants to win the game next time.

The feeling up and pawing between Alex and Shawna grows to such intensity that even Jenna feels a little uncomfortable. She feels like she’s in the front seat at a drive in movie and those two are in the back seat. Well, this is what her friends tell her it feels like when she does it and judging by the looks on the backs of their heads she thinks it’s a pretty accurate assessment.

Alex confesses that while there may or may not be romance in the air, there is interest in the air. He’s a flirt, she’s a flirt, it’s fun to flirt, it’s extra fun to flirt with someone else who likes to flirt, it feels good to flirt, flirting rocks.
Much has been made of Shawna’s miraculous recovery since Alex breezed into camp.
The more interesting thing to me is how annoying he has become through mere association with Shawna.

Shawna – confessional Alex is just the best. I want to get to know him better. We clicked. He’s seen me at my worst.

Actually Shawna, he hasn’t, but we all have. Your grubby, grimy, annoying, whiny worst. That was over as soon as the guys hit the camp. Pity Joanna wasn’t there to witness it, she could have verified it as a bona fide miracle.
Deena and Rob go to collect the first of the dodgy poems, which indicates food or at least condiments will be on offer as the prize. They make their way to Challenge beach.

Reward Challenge

Oh, someone’s been busy building, this is a big one.
While large, the challenge is simple.
Balance on a revolving log longer than your opponent and get a point, first tribe to get five points wins.
Yes, Jiff, they do want to know what they’ll win. As Rob correctly predicted there are spices and condiments aplenty on offer and also, ta-daaaa, a large platter of fruit.
This reward receives a rather lukewarm response, so Jiff quickly goes on to explain that as this competition will involve same sex match-ups, Jaburu have to sit out a woman.
Amazingly Shawna doesn’t sit this one out. Why would she? She’s fully recovered now. I don’t know what she’s recovered from though, as there was clearly nothing wrong with her in the first place. Anyhoo, lets press on.

Round One.

Roger v Matthew.
Both guys have decided to go shirtless for this one. That makes sense as there is a mud pool below them and frankly, why get your clothes dirty if you can avoid it? Strange then that Roger decides to take his top off and wrap it round his head.

Victory to Matthew. He pounds his chest, Tarzan-style for Shawna’s benefit, squirts her with musk and steps off the podium.
The fact that Roger is twenty years older than him and would not have been expected to win is neither here not there to Matt obviously.

Round Two.

Heidi v Shawna.
Were we able to access the mix of garbled thoughts, memories of bitter rejection and sexual frustration that constitute Rob’s mind, we would know for certain he’d be hoping both ladies abandon the competition in favour of an erotic, topless wrestling match in the muddy pool below. As we do not have such access we’ll just assume this is the case and know in your own minds we’re absolutely correct.

Victory to Shawna, who managed not only to out balance Heidi, but also not to vomit at the site of her “pleated” cleavage.
As she steps off the podium, Rob feels the need to grab her round the waist and help her to “safety”.

Round Three.

Dave v Alex

Aha, hot guy face-off, nice.
Once again topless, the guys are very evenly matched.
I can’t help but notice Dave is sporting a red Speedo. This of course has nothing to do with the outcome of the event but does serve to confirm that yes, I was looking at Dave’s ass. Very pert and peachy it is too. After a few seconds of spinning the wheel at thunderous pace they both fall off.

Dave - I realized that it was to my advantage to get the log spinning as fast as possible, centrifugal force being what it is. While we would both fall, the additional balance I’m able to achieve by virtue of my lower centre of gravity would enable me to stay on the log for one thousandth of a second longer.

Dave’s attention to detail and red Speedo are doing wonders for me.
Victory to Dave after the best match so far.

Jiff – The best match so far.

Agreed Jiff.

Round Four.

Butch v Rob.

Previously known as “Robasu”, his transfer to the Jaburu tribe sees a change in nickname to “Roburu”. While this is still a somewhat annoying name, it does at least make sense. Why didn’t they previously call him Robaqui? Fifteen days without junk food or alcohol has made for a marked decrease in both Rob’s bust line and beer gut.

Victory to Butch.
Rob is so lacking in physical prowess he loses to a man more than twice his age and doesn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed.

Current score 2 – 2.

Round Five.

Christy v Jenna.

Jenna takes her place on the podium and shoots Christy the filthiest dirty look I’ve ever seen. They both take a tumble into the mud, but as Jenna lands first, the match goes to Christy.
Here, let me explain it in your native language so you’ll understand the result Jenna.
She won, you didn’t, get over it.

Round Six

Roger v Alex.

Alex seems to feel the need to jump up and down on the spot like a boxer and although Roger does manage to put up a bit of a fight, the contest doesn’t last long.

Victory to Alex, who falls into the mud with a bit of a clunk after catching his leg on the log.
He’s clearly feeling a bit of pain but doesn’t want to show it in front of Shawna.
Besides which, it’s not completely clear whether or not chicks dig bruises.

Round Seven

Heidi v Shawna.

A return match, with the same outcome.

Victory to Shawna.
It does occur to me that Heidi is a crap gym teacher and if it weren’t so completely lacking in class I’d suggest her big fake jugs probably eff up her balance.
Then, it further occurs to me that I never said I was classy, so I’ll simply suggest her big fake jugs probably eff up her balance.

Round Eight

Matthew v Butch

Another match up that Butch really should lose.
The power of the banner is strong though my friends and even though they both fall Matt lands first and victory goes to Butch.

The Decider

It’s another rematch, Jenna v Christy.

The look of contempt Jenna shot Christy in their first match is replaced by one of disgust. This is quite an even match, to the point that again both competitors fall off the log yet again, Jenna lands first so this match goes to Christy and the reward to Tambaqui.

Christy beams, Dave cheers, Butch fills his hug quota for the day.

After the break, we travel to Jaburu, where they’re playing a fine psychological game of “we didn’t want it anyway”. The reward would have been nice, but they eat well anyway and the IC is far more important.
They mark the defeat in time-honoured fashion by the taking of a communal bath.

Alex – An Amazon mud bath. I don’t think you can get that in California.

Why would you be able to?

Matt scrubs Shawna’s back, Shawna, scrubs Alex’s back, Rob scrubs Shawna’s back, Shawna scrubs Alex’s back, we get a flash of Rob’s Speedo, Deena confesses that they’re all “monkey grooming”. All pretty standard stuff for communal bathing.

Rob informs us that he just took a bath with a swimsuit model. He repeats the sentence so we can bask in his reflected glory. Yep Rob, sounds impressive, until we consider not only did the swimsuit model not glance your way for the duration, there was also a triathlon coach, a restaurant designer, an attorney and a, uh, whatever it is Shawna does, who pretty much ignored you too.

Deena – I know where the players are playing and where the players aren’t playing.

I have no idea what that means Deena, but you seem have that you have all bases covered so I’ll leave it at that…… for now.

We journey over to Tambaqui where the tribe has just returned and found their spices and fruit waiting for them.

Heidi confessional: - winning the reward challenge was big, it showed me this is a strong team.

Indeed Heidi, even with you losing both your match ups it’s amazing what a team working as a team can achieve.
Heidi does rather sweetly pat Christy on the back in support of her unexpected (to Christy in particular) defeat of Jenna.
Christy’s euphoric. She notes that Butch was “believing in himself”.
The power of the banner strikes again as Butch and his newest convert rather unnecessarily “hug it out”.

Heidi – The main thing is that we won this as a team, not as individuals.

Indeed Heidi, you lost both your match ups as I recall.
Butch informs the tribe that Christy’s smiles when she realized the tribe valued her and when she won the deciding log roll match, mark a defining moment in his life.
Schmaltzy I know, but Butch seems completely genuine.
Butch and Christy hug it out again, naturally and had Heidi been called upon to “confess” at that time, I’m sure she would declare the moment, “totally not a much crap”.

Cleanliness of body achieved, Rob and Deena decide it’s now time to wash their clothing.
Rob explains that he did have an alliance with Alex, but as Alex is too interested in making friends. Cut to shot of Alex and Shawna lying down holding hands. Shawna’s just had a bath yet she still looks grimy. When Deena says the magic words “I have Jenna and Heidi” Rob gives this foursome the thumbs up while Deena declines the offer to seal the alliance with a kiss.
Despite his contempt for Matthew, Rob does recognize this is a numbers game and he’ll need the skull onside if they do lose the next IC. He separates Matt from the group, under the guise of a fishing expedition and Matt rather charmingly mistakes his bid to divide and conquer as a genuine attempt at forging a better relationship between the two of them. Rob suggests an alliance, with the ultimate aim of diverting the Tambaqui vote post merge. Matt likes it, they decide to do a deal. Matt does note that previously Rob maintained his distance, but goes on to mistake Rob’s dislike of him for his feeling intimidated by him. Not sure where that came from Matt, but I do feel I should congratulate you on such a spectacular misreading of the situation.

Rob confessional:- Matt’s such and idiot. As soon as he stops catching fish and doing what I tell him to do I’m going to vote him out.

Assuming you’re still in the game of course Rob.
Night 16 draws to a close with the guys making up fantasy dates for themselves and Shawna. Who will have the best date? Who will she choose? Why would any of them plan something expensive when their very presence has made her so forthcoming?
Alex – shopping, picnic rock climbing. Uh, rock climbing? Seems he’s planning a little trip to “Mount Alex”.
Matt – hire a limo and take her up a hill to look at the view.
Rob – It’s Christmas time, he takes her to a Broadway matinee then on to skating at Rockerfeller Center.
With no mention of basement karaoke, she loves this idea and decides she wants to go on Rob’s date – with Alex.

Apparently day 17 did not exist, so we forge ahead to day 18.

We start out the day as has become customary with a shot of Alex and Shawna entwined round each other.
Matthew decides to join in the action and lays down using Shawna as a pillow, just when we thought she was of no formal use to the tribe. Alex silently fumes.
Deena sees the downside of these hook ups and how they can impact her position in the game. Why so cynical Deena, can’t you just love the love?
Can’t say I blame you really.
She points out that Shawna is basically a work shy faker who hasn’t lifted a finger since day 3 and is only doing so now to half-heartedly poke through Matt’s hair while Alex continues to fume.
Time for more tree mail, which this time is scrawled across a huge bone. Mercifully we get to see the Tambaqui’s read the poem so we’re spared hearing Rob make a “joke” about his own bone.
According to the poem, the most voracious will win.

Dave – Verocious, hmmm, that sounds like a big pile of something and whoever finishes first wins.

Actually Dave, Verocious isn’t even a word.
Heidi agrees with Dave. She’s a gym teacher and probably gives out detentions when kids try to catch her off guard and expose her stupidity by asking her the time, or some such evil.

Immunity Challenge

We catch Jiff in an unusually helpful mood as he ties up their boats on arrival.
He explains that today’s challenge is for immunity, which even Heidi had probably guessed, and that they’ll be playing “piranha”.
He gives them ten minutes to pull as much meat off as possible, with their hands tied behind their backs and spit in into a basket on a scale. Whoever has the most wins, thankfully, as the challenge would be even more painful to watch if whichever tribe had the least won.

We know Tambaqui will win as soon as Jaburu decide to sit out Jenna.
She’s a swimsuit model, she throws up food for a living. Finally a challenge uniquely suited to her and they sit her out.
The challenge starts.
Butch comes up with the great technique of steadying the bone under his chin, which Shawna then copies. They all go at the bone most verociously, pulling of chunks of every size. Despite the blood fest before him, Jiff seems most shocked when Matthew drops a piece, Deena steps on it, then Matthew picks it up. I know Jiff, it was all so tasteful up to that point. Dave pulls off a huge chunk, Matt does too. Rob pulls off a huge chunk as does Heidi. So Rob, Heidi may fall off your log but she can chew your meat.
The contest finally over, Tambaqui win with “just over 9 kilos”, to Jaburu’s “just under 9 kilos”.
Back at Jaburu camp the air is thick with “interest” so they decide to talk through their options declaring all their voting intensions, game strategy, first kiss, first sexual encounter (Rob remains silent for this one), inside leg measurement and P.I.N.

Deena – well, as there are not hold bars here I’m going to be selfish and say I don’t want to leave.

Uh, no hold bars Deena? Actually, she’s right, not a hold bar in sight. I can’t challenge her on accuracy.
Jenna agrees, not to the absence of hold bars, to the concept of not wanting to leave.
Shawna doesn’t want to leave either, but she does want to leave before the other women.
Alex decides he’s voting for Matt and Matt says he’ll send his vote right back at Alex.
Shawna can’t bring herself to vote for Alex because he “pulled her through this” and there I was thinking she was pulling for him.
This perplexes Rob who has spent valuable time he could have been leering at and propositioning the females talking to Matt, now it looks as though he could be ousted, which of course means he won’t.

Tribal Council

Jiff is quick to notice the strange vibe this evening.

Jiff – What’s wrong you miseries?
Shawna – we don’t want to vote anyone off, it’s a total bummer.
Jiff – yeah, uh, tough. So Alex, slippin’ her one yet?
Alex – She’s awesome Jiff. If we met back home I’d be all about slippin’ her one.
Jiff – So Matt, what is it you do again?
Matt – I catch all the food and try to slip her one when Alex isn’t looking.
Jiff Rob, you’re pretty much an idiot huh?
Rob Yep.

They vote and Jiff goes off to “tally” them.

In a bid to add a bit of tension, Jiff alternates the votes. Shawna, Matthew, Shawna, Matt, Shawna and finally Shawna.
Jenna cries seemingly already forgotten that she voted for Shawna.
Shawna’s torch is snuffed and she leaves, taking "Alex' the soccer ball with her.

Next time on Survivor

The tribes merge.
Heidi strips, Butch refuses to looks, Alex doesn’t “uh, Shawna? Who’s that?”