Yoffy lifts a finger...
Survivor: Episode 5 recap "Sweat Pants"
As we know, Survivor fans, the following phrases when used singularly mean the speaker is heading for as fall. The combination of “top dog”, “alpha female” and “I’m in control”, mean Deena will not be by the end of the show. Her downfall a certainty, we now have to just wait and see how we get to that point.
She compounds her fate with a “nyah nyah” confessional about Jeanne being pissed off that Joanna was voted out.
In homage to fallen comrade Joanna, Jeanne decides to use the patented “wake them to the sound of machete sharpening” trick on the remainder of the tribe.
Deena’s right about one thing, she’s not happy.
Given the fact the Survivors are apparently only allowed to bring one long sleeved item, you have to wonder why Deena choose to fill her allowance with a dress shirt.
We are treated to a long shot of her buttoning the cuffs. What, no cuff links?
Channeling Dave, she quickly assesses that Shawna’s problem is 70% mental.
At the men’s camp Alex assures us that things are going swimmingly, until he decides to apply his full weight to a branch he’s cutting and gets a full force “whack back’ in the face.
Alex – I banged myself in the head.
Rob – I banged Heidi in my head.
Dave, then decides to ask is Alex “banged” himself with the machete.
Am I alone in thinking that Alex probably wouldn’t be walking and talking if he’d banged himself in the head with a machete?
Perhaps Dave was joking. I’ll cop to being ignorant of the subtleties of science humour.
Dave - Was it a springy
Alex – Yeah.
Dave – well of course you have to multiply the downward force you were exerting on the branch by your body weight and then…
Forget it Dave, the laws of springiness are few, yet always hold true.
It’s that simple. If you push down on something springy to cracking point, it’ll snap back in your face.
Rob races off to get a cold can of Coke for Alex to apply to the cut.
Alex - I don’t want to bandage it until the swelling goes down.
Rob – Yeah, that’s pretty much why I’ve never had anything bandaged.
Alex lies down while everyone gathers around. Roger leans over to get a closer look.
Careful Rog, don’t get vinegar in an open wound.
Matthew - It’s functional and it looks cool.
Any “cool’ that the grimy piece of gauze conveys to the half-inch graze will surely be lost when those not present at the time of the accident see it was inflicted by a “d’oh” like failure to observe the basic law of springiness.
Alex – Oh well, chicks dig scars.
Yep, fighting off the “tang” was a full time job for the elephant man, Alex.
Back at Jaburu.
As if Jeanne weren’t in a precarious enough position already, she decides a confrontation with the remainder of her tribe is in order.
Jeanne – You guys were talking about me last night.
Deena – I was talking about Christy.
Deena emphasizes this by doing a massive “from the shoulder” point toward Christy.
Christy shoots back a “huh?” look and Jeanne’s embarrassment renders her momentarily speechless.
Heidi’s peroxide fried hair, which never looked that healthy to begin, now resembles hay.
She’s wearing glasses Margaret Thatcher would have rejected for making her look too frumpy and a black and blue rain jacket. Not exactly the image of “cute”.
It was sheer poetry. The combination nose-scrunch, with tongue lolling out the side of her mouth. Searching for that dried up crust of saliva or maybe even assessing a burgeoning cold sore. The words, “I’m hot and I have a better body” still ringing in the ears of the viewers. What a truly stunning way to destroy and last vestiges of hotness only the most ardent of horn dogs still felt you ever had anyway.
Jeanne – You guys are unified because you stay beside the fire.
Normally I would say that was a stupid thing to say but, cast your mind back to the knee cupping and leg rubbing from the Tambaqui’s at the RC last week. Jeanne might have a point.
Jeanne decides she’s staying by the fire today and the others can “go out there”.
She motions to the surrounding area. Hmmm, here’s the problem Jeanne. It’s not that the fire, in and of itself, is the unifying force, it’s the fact that they’re all together.
If you send everyone “out there” you’ll still be alone and they’ll still be together.
This is just fine with Deena. She’s does a big exasperated circular motion with her arms which serves to tell us a) she’s sick of the fire and b) sitting by the fire all day is easy but she’s trying to make it look like hard work.
Deena :confessional – Deena is sweating in her panties.
Wouldn’t they all be? It’s really hot out there.
Over at Tambaqui, Dave and Rob collect the tree mail.
Their reactions to the tree mail tell us why Dave is a rocket scientist and why Rob is an obsessive horny frat boy.
Rob – woohoo, vino!
Dave – way hey, we got a map.
The poem states that the youngest person on the tribe will go off for fun and laughter and the rest of the tribe mock jeers when Dave raises his hand to declare his baby of the bunch status.
Rob :confessional – I wanted to go for fun and drinks, Dave the golden boy got to go. He gets all the good luck.
(Stomp foot, fold arms, pout)
Back at Jaburu, Jeanne is so desperate to escape the camp she tries to convince the others the clue refers to the “youngest at heart”.
Shawna sits up, says “youngest? Man that means Jenna’s going”, lies back down and goes to sleep again. Thank you for that stunning contribution.
Jenna sets off for the meeting place with another of her wonderful, “I am, you’re not, get over it” confessionals.
We see shots of Dave and Jenna paddling to their destination.
They are met by Jeff on arrival who gives the “you’ve been here for 13 days yada yada …” speech.
He goes on to tell them about an old Indian proverb, first foretold six weeks ago by “old Indian” Mark Burnett… “history belongs to the old, but ratings belongs to the young”.
With this in mind, they’ve been provided with robes, food, wine, a see through shower and a double bed.
Jenna – Oh, I don’t usually stay the whole night.
Jiff says he’ll see them in the morning, flips a little “Marvin” in the CD player and leaves.
Dave drops his shorts, Jenna strips to reveal her panties bear the word “YES’ across the front and no doubt “ok then, but you have to buy me a drink first” across the back.
She appears to be wearing the cummerbund to Deena’s dress shirt round her waist.
One sniff of the wine bottle cork and she’s telling Dave everything.
She’s very close to Heidi. Deena was given temporary ‘hot girl” status for alliance purposes only. Shawna has basically just given up on the game. They plan to vote out Jeanne next for copping a ‘tude after Joanna got voted off.
I wonder just how many of Jenna’s ancestors lost their lives in coal mines.
Dave in turn tells all about his tribe. He cleverly adds that Rob talks about Heidi’s boobs and they all think Jenna herself, has a nice ass (very smooth Dave). Jenna’s so busy faking surprise at this revelation “who me?” she barely notices that he only gives information available in their official CBS bio’s.
Dave takes a shower, Jenna stares. Jenna takes a shower, Dave stares.
Apparently this is the best thing that ever happened to him.
Well, he lives in the same small town as Ryan, so hopefully when this thing is over he can be pried away from his Bunsen burner for a night of pizza and porn.
They draw the curtains round the bed and settle down for a good night’s sleep.
Jenna confesses that this was the best reward as they didn’t have to do anything for it.
Ah, how little you know Jenna. This isn’t the local country club, you’re not in the company of a 90 year old with a heart condition so there really is no such thing as a “free lunch” out here.
Dave sometimes gets a nelly leg twitch in the night, Jenna doesn’t, nor does she snore so Dave sees the night as great all round.
They partake of the fresh breakfast laid out for them and Jiff’s arrival is met with the appropriate response from Jenna , “uh-oh”.
He tells them to sit on the floor beside him, drops 12 wooden blocks baring the name of the 12 remaining contestants onto the table in front of them and tells them to pick new teams.
Jenna does at least have the where-with-all to pull a “my God what have I done?” face as Dave barely suppresses a grin.
She decides to let Dave have first pick. As his hand hovers over Heidi’s name she says “oh God, don’t screw me” with such a lack of conviction we’re transported back to her first date with the captain of her High School Football team.
Dave does indeed pick Heidi and the now distraught Jenna selects Alex. Dave picks Butch and Jenna leaps at the chance to preserve part of her alliance by selecting Deena.
The process continues until we have Jenna, Deena, Shawna, Alex, Matthew and Rob in new Jaburu and the remaining players in new Tambaqui.
Jiff gives them each three new buffs and tells them to go back to their tribes and give them the news.
At Tambaqui the guys are waiting for Dave to return. Rob thinks Dave had Belgian waffles and Melba toast. No doubt there was more foot stomping, arm folding and pouting in his house when he saw how severely he’d underestimated the meal.
Dave arrives and wastes no time in telling the others about the new tribal structure.
He goes to the trouble of pointing out that his selection was based on how he best thought he could keep all six of the guys in the game until the merge.
Rob is not happy and vows to “kick his ass” in the next challenge.
Rob :confessional - It’s not fair that Dave got to pick the teams.
See how he mocks me? A tribe swap, and I’m still not with Heidi. Dave just isn’t looking out for my best chances of hooking up.
A quick round of hugs and potatoes and the three are off to their new camp.
Jenna arrives back at Jaburu and gives them the news that Heidi, Christy and Jeanne are becoming Tambaqui members.
Jeanne is outta there so quick she actually leaves her shadow behind, but Heidi looks most distraught. Jenna and Heidi hug, exchange “I love you’s” and Jenna whispers that she tries to keep the two of them together.
Uh, how did you do that Jenna? You told Dave how strong physically and mentally Heidi was, how the two of you were best friends forever and were in a super doper alliance.
He was bound to pick her. Unless of course you thought “don’t screw me” would work.
Dave’s a scientist, notoriously nerdy even with the addition of “rocket”. The greatest thing that ever happened to him was seeing you through palm fronds in the shower.
“Don’t screw you?”, he was thrilled that he spent the night with you and you didn’t scratch, kick or bite him.
On the trip to Tambaqui Heidi tries to limit the “damage” with Jeanne caused by the decision to vote out Joanna by pulling the other two into a hastily conceived alliance.
Christy is walking on front so is oblivious to the discussion anyway, but Jeanne stresses they need to make an alliance, now.
Excellent, that’ll be a tie then and we’ll get to see if Pappy purple rock makes another appearance.
They arrive at the camp to the sound of claps and cheers from the men folk. Butch is clearly thrilled at the opportunity to get a new set of people to believe in themselves.
Christy tells the guys she’s deaf, which is clearly news to Dave. Among all the other information she gave him, Jenna appeared to fail to tell him about Christy.
I would like to think it’s because she made a promise to Christy to not to tell the opposition about her hearing issue, but feel it is more likely that she thinks so little of Christy she just didn’t mention her at all.
We now see something of a transformation for Roger.
Gone is the order-barking drill sergeant and in his place is the loving father.
He and Butch assure Christy they’ll make every effort to accommodate her. The new buffs are handed out and under Dave’s direction a toast is drunk to “the new guys…. Uh new girls”.
Over at Jaburu another amazing transformation is about to take place.
Shawna, previously so certain she was “falling apart” gets a quick shot of Vitamin Alex and leaps to her feet, smiling and laughing.
Rob insists that he’ll wait before approaching any of the women.
Oh I see Rob, you simply talk a good shag.
He promises not to vote off either Shawna or Jenna if they walk round naked.
With one eye still firmly fixed on the game, he only extends this promise until the merge, traditionally just two votes away.
It’s campfire time at Tambaqui, where the guys make an extra effort to ensure Christy is included . The lamp is bright enough for her to read their lips and in appreciation of their kindness she promises to put forth 110% effort.
We start out the day at the Jaburu camp where everyone is sitting in the shelter.
I would like to take this opportunity to say the shelter doesn’t actually look that bad. Nice job Joanna.
Shawna now not only has the energy to sit up, but also manages to “shadow box” on hearing the news that the guys thought she was the hottest. What a particularly unfeminine way to celebrate good news.
Ah, she speaks…
Shawna confessional – I really dig Alex.
Uh, you “dig” him? This isn’t the 60’s you freakin’ hippie.
Deena is not so happy. She knows she’s no longer top dog.
I personally think MB wasted a great opportunity to illustrate this by pulling the camera away from Deena making her smaller and smaller with the accompaniment of a sliding whistle. Deena can clearly feel a moistness in her own butt crack.
Sweating in your panties are you Deena?
She doubts how loyal Shawna will be to herself and Jenna now. She’s right to doubt that as Shawna didn’t even vote with them last week. Of course, Jiff concealed Shawna’s vote so Deena doesn’t know this. Shawna wanted out, she told them she wanted out, they kept her in. She doesn’t have to have any loyalty to them as far as I’m concerned.
Deena wants it to be men against women. On that at least many of the camp are agreed.
Alex wants it to be him ‘against’ Shawna, Shawna wants it to be her “against” Alex.
They discuss their hometowns and which schools they went to.
Alex- Yeah I’m from California.
Shawna – giggle giggle
Alex – I went to high school in Almeida.
Shawna – way cool
Alex – I graduated when you were in grade 3.
After seeing the Tambaqui women collect tree mail, another word search, we are transported to the IC and a waiting Jiff.
Jiff- Heidi, what was your reaction to the new tribes?
Heidi I think it was needed.
Reasonably diplomatic answer, sadly lacking the brainpower to follow up with “why” it was needed though.
Jiff - Alex?
Alex – We were stoked, psyched, we have a totally awesome team.
Alex, you’re 33, is that really the most coherent thing you can think to say?
I would say it’s because Mike Boogie’s been rubbing off on him, but Alex assured us he’s straight.
The IC is one of those grim two-parters that seem to eat up about fifteen minutes of the show.
Part one – a word search, part two – a rowing competition.
After finding five of a possible ten words the teams jump into their boat and row a course picking up corresponding flags. The Jaburu, race into an early lead, which we all know is unassailable no matter what camera angle it’s shot from.
The Tambaqui do make up some ground on them, as they have given the three oars they were supplied with to the men, whereas Rob of the Jaburu’s is collecting flags while Deena rows. Deena is clearly a strong woman, but Rob has a good few years on her and undoubtedly stronger. It would have been an interesting race if the they’d used this tactic and the tribes had started the rowing portion even.
They didn’t so it wasn’t. Victory to Jaburu.
Storm clouds drift over the Tamaqui camp in a visually unsubtle way of reminding us they must go to TC tonight.
Having “confessed” that not only did they not expect to lose, they now have no idea how to vote, Jeanne takes Heidi and Christy off to discuss strategy under the guise of a fishing trip.
The decision is made to vote together as they assume the guys will do the same.
Why wouldn’t Jeanne have approached the guys to align to boot one of the other women?
The decision is made to draw straws between Roger and Butch as Heidi is determined not to vote off Dave. Jeanne asks her “why not?” and to her credit Heidi manages to come up with a reasonable explanation other than “because he’s the only one likely to be impressed by my fakers”.
Straws are drawn, but as none of them is particularly short, they just decide for the hell of it they’ll target Butch.
Back at camp, Dave takes Heidi on a trip to collect fodder for the fire.
He catches her completely off guard by expecting her to actually carry some twigs, she just assumed her hotness had had its usual effect when Dave mentioned wood.
Dave – We want you to vote against Jeanne.
Heidi – What would you do if you were me?
Dave – I’d vote against Jeanne.
Heidi – Ok then, I will.
Heidi :confessional – I’m between a rock and a hard stone.
You’re between a rock and a rock then.
“I’m between a rock and a rock” can be found nestled alongside the likes of ‘kick me in the nuts and do I not bleed?” in the "Sayings That Needed a Little Fine Tuning" Hall of Fame.
Does anyone else get the impression that Jiff doesn’t like Heidi?
She admits that there are “so many things going through my head right now” and Jiff clearly feels she isn’t up to the task when he tells her to “name one”.
She blabbers something about the guys versus girls thing “killing her” while his disapproving stare causes her to sweat in her panties.
Time to vote.
We get to see every single vote this week apart from Heidi’s.
Jiff almost instructs Butch to bring him his torch, until he realises the votes for Jean, Jeane and Gene are all votes for Jeanne.
She leaves, declaring in the game of life she’s a winner.
Hmmm, that doesn’t count for anything out here Jeanne.
On the Next Survivor…
The episode title is “More than Meats the eye”. Join us on Wednesday night to see Shawna get a hot beef injection.
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