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Welcome back to another episode of the debacle that is Surreal Life: Fame Games! If you read MotherSister’s fab recap last week, you know that Emmanuel Lewis was sent over to the B-List, which now is comprised of the oddest assortment of celebs in the history of the show. With this episode, the game will change a bit and from here on out, the celebs will be fighting to avoid being sent home.
As if the crummy digs aren’t enough to make the B-Listers feel inferior, now there’s actually a velvet rope keeping them out of the A-List area. If they want in, they will have to ring a bell until someone from the A-List comes to let them in. Will the indignities never end? As the B-Listers ponder the velvet rope, Ron revels in a massage. In the background, the sound of Verne hammering on the doorbell doesn’t seem to bother Ron in the least. By the time Pepa finally lets Verne in, he’s so pissed off that I would have just turned him right around and sent him back the way he came. Ron = completely unconcerned with Verne’s hissy fit.
Because Ron will lay a sexual innuendo on anything in a skirt, he starts in on Traci, who clearly is having a tough time on the B-List. She then whines to Chyna Doll about not being an A-Lister anymore. Brigitte and her, uh….. gravity challenged breasts advise Traci some more. Note to Gitte: a support garment might be a good idea. Brigitte and the girls go to call Mattia (aka husband number 5). Gitte tells him how unhappy she is and he urges her to come home to him. I wonder if Mattia knows that she’s been macking on Ron Jeremy. If he did, he’d probably force her into quarantine for six months before he touched her.
It’s time for another message from Robin Leach. He informs the celebs that the A-Listers will be receiving a private cooking lesson from a private chef. The B-Listers will be getting a feast of a different kind. Traci flounces off, whining about how much she loves to cook.
The private chef in question is Todd English of Iron Chef America who I’m sure will be targeted for death by PETA after this show. Andrea is horrified, as am I, when Todd pulls out live lobster and them slams a knife into its head, killing it. Since I watched this part with my hands over my eyes, I have no idea how many lobsters were dispatched. They all proceed to dismantle the partially dead lobsters, much to Rob’s glee. The fresher, the better, he reasons.
Over at the B-List, the doorbell rings. Outside the door is a hotdog cart – “B-List Weiners.” And how. Traci announces that she doesn’t eat meat and asks if there are any veggie dogs. The vendor puts a pickle in a hot dog bun and hands it over. Traci is less than thrilled.
Todd English is still cooking away for the A-Listers, but I’ve lost my appetite after the lobster murder (note: I actually do not eat lobster, so in this instance I am not a hypocrite). Andrea, who was mortified just a few minutes ago, claims that she’s now getting turned on by the food. Traitor.
Brigitte must really hate hot dogs, because she stomps off to the B-List bedroom. Traci hops onto Verne's scooter and they make their way to the velvet rope. In the A-List dining room, the sound of the doorbell reverberates, but no one comes to let Traci and Verne in. Finally, C.C. arrives, wearing a chef’s hat and apologizing for not coming sooner. Chyna Doll (who is taking lessons from Traci) whines about being on the B-List. Manny says that this show has become the underdogs against the goliath. I'm sure Ron Jeremy would take that as a compliment.
Traci and Verne look on as the A-Listers eat their gourmet meal. Todd English asks Traci to shred some Parmesan and bring it to the table. She loves Todd and is practically green with envy over the A-Listers good fortune. She grates the cheese with next to no whining. Eventually, all of the B-Listers arrive to watch the dinner….all except for Brigitte, that is. Rob heads off to try his hand at persuading Gitte to join the group. He takes her some sangria as an offering. This would work with me. I’d be following him all over the damn house for sangria. Rob tells Brigitte that they all miss her and want her to join them. Gitte finally relents, taking the sangria.
Tonight’s dessert seems fairly non-A-List and involves frozen bananas dipped in something. Can’t you get that at a county fair? Confronted by all the phallic symbols, Brigitte is suddenly taken ill. She goes off to bed. Ron calls her a party pooper. I call Ron a poop…..or another word that means the same thing.
Pot – Kettle. Kettle - Pot
With the meal finished, Todd English calls the A-Listers into the kitchen. He has a tray filled with stacks of one dollar bills, courtesy of Robin Leach. There will be a private champagne party for the A-Listers. The B-Listers are also invited, but they won’t get any cash. Why do they need the money? For the strippers, of course. Nothing says “private, a-list champagne party” like exotic dancers. Rob announces that, because he’s married with kids, he’s not into that sort of thing any more. He gives his cash to Verne, who is more than happy to accept it. He proceeds to give most of his money to two of the dancers, who reward him by practically smothering him with their breastesses.
As the party starts to wind down and the celebs begin leaving the dancers are invited back to the house. One of the girls immediately hones in on Rob’s bed and makes herself comfortable. Rob spies a half-naked girl on his bed, legs up in the air, and he is not happy. He storms over to rant to the B-Listers and Ron, who told the girl to get off Rob’s bed to begin with, follows. Ron tries to explain, but Rob isn’t hearing it.
Here’s where we get to see one of Rob’s now infamous temper tantrums. We hear “I’m married!” a bunch of times, followed by “This looks like a whore house!” Traci immediately jumps on Rob, about the “whore” thing. She defends the girl, saying that she is not a whore. Rob keeps yelling “This place looks like a whore house!” as if volume is going to improve Traci’s comprehension. He tells Traci that he didn’t call the girl a whore. Cut to said girl wearing 8 tons of black eyeliner with her hair teased to the ceiling. Rob explains to Traci that his wife would be upset by the situation and that, to her, it would look like a whore house. Brigitte tries to intervene and explain, but Traci isn’t hearing it.
If I were there in person, I would have pointed out the irony of a contestant on The Surreal Life calling someone else a whore. This would probably earn me a broken nose, courtesy of Vanilla Ice (and how much of a wuss would that make me sound?), so I’ll just say it here.
Finally Manny breaks everything up. He tells us that he can handle people being upset, but no one in this situation was listening. He explains the situation to Traci, who came in late to the whole thing, and she then understands why Rob was upset. Traci apologizes to Rob and gives props to Manny for being a peacemaker. Amen.
Kickin’ it: Rock Star Style
It’s time for the first team challenge! Rob and Andrea gather everyone so they can watch Robin's latest message. Today, a member of team that loses this challenge will be going home. Manny attempts a pep talk with the B-Listers: he doesn’t want to go into the game having already lost.
The teams meet Robin at a storage facility where we can see identical mock hotel rooms. Robin, who is stuffed into a leather jacket for the occasion, introduces original Guns n’ Roses drummer, Steven Adler. Steven is clearly addled from his years with GNR. Even with big sunglasses covering half his face, it obvious he’s not all there. The challenge today is to trash a hotel room. Each team member will get 30 seconds to destroy as much of the room as possible. The room with the most damage wins. Steven encourages them to be creative.
First up are Traci and Rob. Really, after Rob gets done, there won’t be much for the rest of the team to do. He’s working the whole rage thing. Next up are Ron and Brigitte, followed by Verne and Andrea. Verne is clearly at a disadvantage. He tries to pull over a dresser and can’t muster up enough strength. Pepa and Manny go next and Manny lets out his inner madman. It’s actually pretty impressive. Chyna Doll is last for the B-Listers and her team thinks that, because she’s a former wrestler, she’ll really be able to kick ass. Cue Chyna strolling over to the room. She stands there just surveying the damage, takes off her goggles, puts on her sunglasses, pulls off her gloves and leaves. The B-Listers are pissed. Verne says that she is not acting like part of the team. When Traci questions her, Chyna Doll claims she was just being creative. She says she looked around and there was nothing left to break. Brigitte tells us that Chyna Doll is trying hard, but is a lost soul.
Steven and Robin inspect the damage. In the B-List room, the stereo and other things are still in tact. Steven deems the A-List room “fabulous.” He praises Chyna Doll for her performance, but wishes that she had broken something. Steven says that, while the B-List is prettier, the win goes to the A-List. The prize is a gift certificate to Salon True, which probably specializes in some space-age skin procedure involving pig urine. The B-Listers now have to choose three of their team members to play Back to Reality.
Manny is angry and confused. Brigitte and Traci talk about the situation. Traci just wishes Chyna Doll had done something in the challenge. Chyna Doll comes into the room and tries to explain that she thought she did what was best for the group. She tells us she just didn’t feel like going in and trashing anything: it’s yucky. She says she’s not that destructive wrestler any more. Maybe so, but Manny is Mr. Peaceful and he kicked ass on that challenge.
The B-Listers discuss who will play Back to Reality. Brigitte tells her teammates that she should be having a good time, but she isn’t. It’s no surprise when the teams convene in the living room to meet Robin that the B-Listers playing Back to Reality will be Brigitte, Chyna Doll and Verne. They all take their places behind the podiums….
Six Degrees of Obscurity
Our buxom, bleached hostess Inga is back to introduce Robin Leach, This time, he is hotter than….oh Hell, I couldn’t understand a word she said. Needless to say, the only thing Robin is hotter than is, well I can’t think of one thing.
This week, the game is called “Surreal Connections.” The producers have managed to connect each of the three celebs with actual a-list stars. The player who correctly identifies the most links between themselves and the sixth celebrity will win and the lowest scoring player will be going home. It's sort of like a low-rent version of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon." Got that? Then let’s get to the game!
Chyna Doll is first up. She has been linked to The Rock through a series of other celebrities. The first link is between her and John Lithgow. Chyna Doll guesses correctly – they worked on Third Rock From the Sun together. She doesn’t correctly link Lithgow to Sylvester Stallone with Cliffhanger. She also doesn’t get Demolition Man to link Stallone to Sandra Bullock. I almost can’t forgive her for that one. Demolition Man is cheestastic. Chyna Doll gets the final two links right, connecting Sandra Bullock and Brendan Fraser with Crash and Brendan Fraser with The Rock via The Mummy Returns (she guess The Mummy but they give it to her anyway). Chyna Doll finishes with 5 points.
Verne is second and here’s how his “links” fall out:
Mike Meyers – Verne asks if he should think about it, but then gives the correct answer: Austin Powers
He then correctly links Mike Myers and Cameron Diaz, guessing Shrek after a hint from Robin. After this, it’s all downhill.
Cameron Diaz and Ben Stiller – even with a hint, Verne doesn’t guess There’s Something About Mary.
Ben Stiller to Jennifer Aniston – again, he’s given a clue, but doesn’t have the right answer, Along Came Polly. This is where Verne claims that he knows the directors and producers of these movies, but not the title.
Jennifer Aniston is connected to Jim Carey (the final star) through Bruce Almighty, which Verne also doesn’t know.
Verne finishes with 3 points, ensuring that Chyna Doll is safe.
Brigitte is up last and her links go this way:
Brigitte links herself – reluctantly – to Arnold Schwarzenegger with the cinematic masterpiece that is Red Sonja
She’s unable to link Arnold to Sharon Stone with Total Recall and refuses a hint.
Sharon Stone is connected to Michael Douglas through Basic Instinct and Gitte gets this one correct.
With that, Verne loses and Brigitte stays. She does not look happy. Manny wonders why, if she wanted to go home so badly, she didn’t just say “I don’t know.” When Robin Leach tells Verne to pack his bags, Brigitte pipes up, saying it’s not fair. Wiping away tears, she claims that her bags are packed. Robin tells her that the judges have decided that if she wants to leave, she can trade places with Verne. With that, Verne gets a reprieve and Gitte is out of there. She says some quick goodbyes and then heads home to her family.
Traci says the B-Listers need to get it together because they look like fools. Word.
Next week: The A-Listers head to a spa where Ron works Andrea’s last nerve. Chyna Doll finds a new playmate (pun intended) in Traci and the A-Listers all seem to be suffering from a chronic case of over-confidence.