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Tonight’s Armed and Famous recap is brought to you by the letter ‘D.’ D for domestic violence, that is, which sadly appears to be the theme for this week. I suppose it could also stand for dumbass, of which there are several in tonight’s show. More on that later. So, what are our celebrity cops up to this time? Delivering more babies? Arresting more crackheads? Hiding from neighborhood felines? Let’s find out...

Come And Get Your Love
It’s time for some role-playing. Trish and LaToya will be dressing up (actually, dressing down) as prostitutes to bust a few johns. No glamourpuss “Pretty Woman” hookers here - the girls get a skanked-out look, complete with smeared makeup and ratty hair. “Retro hooker” is how Trish puts it. Ick. They get a primer from Amy on what to do on the street, and not getting in the car is the main lesson. Trish gets a bite first, but her prospective customer gets spooked and drives off.

LaToya’s first prospect talks her down to ten bucks from her price of twenty (cheapskate) but ends up driving off after she refused to get in the car with him. She has better luck with the next one, but he was really hoping for a man. “I’m just as good as a man,” she replies. Oh, the jokes I could make here. What's really bad is, the guy is actually spanking his monkey while talking to LaToya. And she talks dirty to him while he does it! Ew. Double ew. Erik and Jami were waiting in the wings, and come roaring up to arrest the perv. Erik gives the guy what for, but he denies the whole thing. Even though his pants were unzipped. Dumbass.

Erik and Jami are then called to a domestic dispute. A woman has supposedly stabbed her boyfriend in the leg, and when they get there, he’s bleeding profusely. And cussing profusely. He calls Erik Emilio Estevez (ha) then starts dropping the f-bombs. And the m-f bombs. Erik flips out and cusses the guy back. Not good, as Jami warns Erik that the chief will hear about it.

That’s One Way To Save On Shampoo
Young Jack has decided to shave his head to “look the part” of a cop. Jason does the deed, giving Jack a buzzcut as a bemused Erik looks on. Soon afterwards, Jack and his partner Damon are called to another domestic dispute. They arrive to find the woman literally covered in blood. Jack compares her to a character in a 70's slasher flick, and he's not too far off from the truth. Her boyfriend isn’t much better. They run both of their names and surprise, surprise - they both have outstanding warrants. Both of them are carted off to jail.

LaToya and Amy are called to a possible break-in at a church. The alarm is going off when they get there, and LaToya does her best Charlie’s Angels impression as she pulls her gun, striking various silly poses as she checks out the building for the perps. The building is clear, but Amy can’t resist snarking on LaToya’s posing. Save it for the SWAT team, Amy tells her. As they’re leaving, they spot the same guy that drove off from LaToya the previous night. They pull him over, and LaToya reams the man out. “You’re supporting crackheads!” she exclaims. They have no cause to actually arrest him, however, and let the idiot go.

Erik stops by a store for some coffee, and spies the local newspaper on the rack. Guess who’s on the front page? Yep, it’s Erik, complete with a picture of him yelling at the guy from the night before. Whoops. This ain’t CHiPs, where the chief just laughs off Ponch’s mistakes. This chief tells Erik that he expects better from his department, and not to let it happen again.

The Wee Man has gotten a call for a special assignment. A family has called in, wanting their five-year old twins to meet Jason because they have a lot in common. No, not a five-year old’s mentality. They’re little people, too! Jason gives some advice and shares some stories of his own life, and plays with the twins for a while. I’m guessing they’re a little too young to take his advice to heart, but I suppose their parents appreciated it.

It’s another domestic dispute call, with Trish and Kyle going to check it out. What are these people fighting about? Baby shampoo. The dad is bitching that mom used grown-up’s shampoo on the baby, hurting her eyes. Mom says she knows how to wash the baby’s hair, and please shut up about it, thankyouverymuch. Trish knows how to fix things: she takes dad to the local convenience store, where she instructs him to buy some flowers for his wife and apologize. He even throws in her favorite candy bar to sweeten the apology. The couple makes up, and Trish is happy. Your tax dollars at work, folks.

Disturbing The Peace
LaToya and Amy are called to a noise complaint next. The arrive to find some very agitated neighbors, who complain about the non-stop racket from next door. Looks like they’re having band practice, and the noise is loud enough to level a small village. I’d bitch about it, too. They finally get the guys to answer the door (how could they hear anything?) after a few minutes of knocking. LaToya advises them to pad their walls to keep the noise inside, along with some other tips on keeping it quiet. Because she comes from a musical family and knows about such things, you see. The grateful band plays LaToya a personalized song as she bobs her head to the beat. Unreal.

Another family is fighting (what the hell?!) as Erik and Jami take the call. Two sisters are fighting over how to care for one’s children, I think. It’s really hard to understand these two. Actually, I thought one of them was a man until later on in the argument. She then explains something to Erik about her son having diarrhea every time he passes gas. Thanks for that, lady. Way too much info, there. Erik gets one of the sisters to apologize, but the other one refuses to let it go. She curses at Erik, and he does that teeth-gritting thing of his to keep from cussing back, remembering what the chief told him. The woman stomps off.

It’s 1 am, and Trish and Kyle get a missing persons call. They go to check on the older man (he hadn’t shown up for work, very unlike him) and find him on the couch, dead. Nothing suspicious, just a natural death, apparently. They call the man’s wife and family and explain what happened. Trish is a little overwhelmed, but does her best to comfort the family. It's a sad scene, and it seems to affect Trish a good bit.

Back to LaToya and Amy, and yet another domestic dispute. They find a man running down the street and stop him, and it turns out to be the man Jack dealt with a few weeks ago. The guy with the “crab-hands” that freaked him out. He tries to run, and LaToya tries to cuff him, but it’s impossible to do with his deformed arms and hands. Out comes the Taser! He gets zapped, but it doesn’t really affect him. I don’t know what drugs he’s on, but damn. He threatens to “get” everyone, and they manage to restrain him and haul him off to jail as he proceeds to bang his head on the cage inside the car. Say it with me: dumbass!

And that’s it for another night of crime fighting. They sit around the table in the empty diner, congratulating themselves on their performances and lessons learned. Next week: Amy tells LaToya to lay off the advice giving, and Jack and Jason get to go on a SWAT raid. Yee-haw!

Erik's hair: real or fake? Let me know what you think....waywyrd@fansofrealitytv.com