I Love New York 1/15 Recap: Speedos Are For Some. Man Thongs Are For No One!
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Welcome everyone. I can’t tell you how excited I am to be writing for this show this season. I had so much fun with Flavor of Love last season I about jumped for joy when I heard this one was coming up. Last week 20 sensible men came into the house looking to find true love with one New York. Some of the men got drunk, some got pretty crazy, and one cried about his dog dying. It was an awesome start to the show. This week we get to look forward to more crazy high jinks and angry shots of New York’s mother as she disapproves of all her daughters’ choices. Throw on your most comfortable ho/man whore outfit and let’s get started.
I Am Officially Scared
The men are all hanging out and 12-Pack mentions that he likes to work out in the morning. He encourages some of the other men to get up early and he will help them work out. He teaches them the proper way to bench press with a cigarette in his mouth. That seems counter productive to me but I guess he knows what he’s doing because he does have a 12-pack after all.
After the workout fun is over Chamo, New York’s assistant, gathers all the men outdoors for a big announcement. I hope he is telling them they will be going under a mental evaluation but I am not that lucky. Instead New York makes an appearance and tells the men they will be competing in the “I Love New York Mangent.” Yes you read that right, I said mangeant as opposed to pageant, which is what skinny bitches compete in compared to desperate male whores in this spectacle.
The mangeant winners will receive a special date out with New York or a raging case of VD. Whichever way you are looking at it I don’t really see them as winners. New York has invited three women along to help the men to prepare to compete. Out step three Miss USA contestants and I assume they are all the ones who recently had their crowns revoked, this appearance would surely explain that. The women step out and I immediately scream at the TV, one of the women is from my home state of Michigan. How could she lower herself to this? Joining her are Miss Minnesota and Miss Alaska.
The men divide into teams and each spends quality time with the women working it out. They are told they will compete in a bathing suit competition were they will be judged on bulge, booty, and build. Those are also the three main things I look at when I am checking out men so I immediately feel at home with this competition.
As the men start to don their bathing attire the women tell them that they might need a little manscaping done. T-Weed gets his chest waxed and almost cries like a little girl. Some of the men do push-ups to make their biceps nice and pronounced. I continually cover my eyes because some of the men are leaving so little to the imagination that I might actually be blushing.
Someone is Smuggling Grapes
It’s time for the first and most likely last televised mangeant. Each man (pathetic loser) will come out one at a time in their bathing suit and shake what they got. It’s time for the Bathing Suit and Boogie Competition. I hope everyone has secured their junk if you get my drift.
Onix makes his appearance and immediately wins me over with his slow robot. 12-Pack comes out and dances and I am pretty sure he is circumcised if you get my drift. Romance is up and does the oddest dance I have ever seen and I am a little disappointed it does not end with him running off the stage and crying in the bathroom. T-Weed comes out wearing a little Speedo and starts dancing all over. Mama new York likes what she see until we get a little close up of a severe jock itch problem on his upper thighs. I really might be sick after that close angle they just got. Last to come out is Mr. Boston. He is wearing his man thong and frankly that look does not work for anyone. I have seen male strippers and it does not work for them either. His farmer tan does give me a good chuckle though.
Once everyone has made their appearance I really start to question the sanity of most of these men. They are either straight up nutty or on crack. Right now I am kind of leaning towards the crack. The judges scores for the first round have been tallied and the 5 men moving on are Whiteboy, Real, 12-Pack, Onix, and Romance. I praise the TV gods for not letting Mr. Jock Itch through.
Someone Better Cry
Now that the Bathing Suit round is over and I have officially lost my lunch it’s time to move onto the Question and Answer Round. Each contestant will have to answer a question as honestly as possible. I wish they had to take a written test so we could see them sweat as they try to read. Real is up first and Mama New York asks him what his position on pre-marital sex is. He tells her that since god says no that is what he says. He will not make it far because this show is all about skanks hooking up.
Whiteboy is next and New York asks him if he could live anyone’s life who it would be and why. He says Michael Jordan because he has accomplished so much and came from nothing. I am just completely confused. You could live anyone’s life and you choose Michael Jordan? He should have said Flavor Flav. Onix is up and Chamo says if I were a racecar how would you drive me? Onix is confused and then plays along by saying fast, long, hard, peddle to the metal. I am disappointed he did not mention how he would handle the stick.
Romance steps up and Mama New York wants to know what his biggest disappointment to date has been. I prepare myself to mock him when he talks about his dog. He says the hardships his mother has been through. I feel bad making fun of him so I will just say that he has a stupid haircut. 12-Pack is last and New York is interested to find out who his role model is. He tells her that it’s his father. 12-Pack is the biggest meathead I have ever seen. The fact that he can get an actual sentence out just confirms to me that these men are being fed answers through an earpiece.
The competition is over and it’s time to announce the winner. The 4th runner up is Real. The 3rd runner up is Romance followed by second runner up Onix. The 1st runner up and winner of an autographed copy of New York’s panties is 12-Pack. That makes Whiteboy the winner or ultimate loser.
I Can’t Imagine Being this Desperate
After the competition New York gathers all the men together to introduce them to her beloved dog. Her name is Your Majesty and Romance is all over that like strippers on Flav. He takes her dog off and gently pets her and gives her kisses. He eventually breaks down while having his tender moment with her dog. I am really worried he is going to head off into the woods and force himself onto that poor innocent beast. I am talking about the dog, not New York here.
Rico is hanging outside and New York asks him what he is doing. He tells her that he wants to get in the hot tub and she tells him she will join him. She takes him up to her room and he helps her into her bathing suit. She is really lucky because I usually need help getting dressed as well and finding good help is next to impossible. They head down to the hot tub to fill it with more bacteria and DNA. As they are having there intimate time Pootie comes down to the area. He tells New York that Trendz is passing out his rap CD and is not there for the right reason.
Trendz shows up and tells her that he has been doing that. Once when I was in college I hitchhiked* and got picked up by a van with a man claiming to be an up and coming rapper. He gave me a copy of his CD to listen to. When I got home I listened and it was horrible. The lesson I guess is that free CD does not equal good CD.
After she gets out of the hot tub she gathers all the men and yells at them and tells them they better be there for her. They all say they are and quickly scurry off to take down their Internet sites, hide their porn videos, and promo CD’s.
Someone Better Get a Mexican Massage
New York is ready to get her men and head out for a fun date on the town. Romance is upset that he is not going and 12-Pack is. He tells New York that 12-Pack told him that he has a girlfriend at home. She is not happy and plans to confront him on the date. New York thinks that Romance is a little crazy but not a liar. That man is so cuckoo that she should really not be leaving her dog home with him.
New York is taking the boys to the Santa Monica pier for an afternoon of fun. Once they get there the VH1 producers play a crazy version of the Three’s Company song and show them having tons of fun. Hilarity ensues.
Since Whiteboy won he gets some special alone time with New York. They go on the Ferris wheel together and start to have a very serious talk. As Whiteboy is pouring his heart out to New York she is just chowing down on cucumbers and dip that has been provided. He calls her on it and she laughs. She likes that he is there for her and not her looks. She is obviously there for him and not his looks so that makes it fair.
Once her time with Whiteboy is up she pulls 12-Pack aside and asks him about his alleged girlfriend. He of course denies it and New York does not believe him. She starts staring him down trying to see if he is lying or not. She decides when they get back she will get him and Romance together and see what this is all about.
When they get back to the house New York pulls Romance and 12-Pack aside. Romance gets confrontational to 12-Pack. 12-Pack tells Romance that he is going to smack him. I guess no one taught 12-Pack that violence never solves anything. He probably also missed the lesson on steroids shrinking your genitalia as well. Romance tells him to go ahead and do it he can take him. I do know that Romance listened to the steroid talk. Romance tries to shake 12-Packs hand and 12-Pack tries to spit on him.
After that little spectacle is over New York pulls aside Token and Trendz. She wants to know if they are there for the right reasons. Trendz admits to passing out his CD and that does not make New York very happy. New York tells Token that she wants him to kiss her. He gives her a nice peck on the cheek because of the raging oral viruses she is probably sporting after all the other men she has kissed today. That does not make her very happy.
Time For Some to Bounce Up Out of Here
New York sat down with her mom and deliberated on who would be going home tonight. The people staying are Whiteboy, Real, T-Weed, Rico, Mr. Boston, Tango, Heat, Pootie, Bones, Chance, Onix, and 12-Pack. Those lucky suckers who are getting out early are Romance, Token and Trendz.
They do not leave fast enough for New York’s taste so she yells at them. Romance is so upset he cries because he left his family to come here and love her and now he has been kicked out. I almost feel bad for him but mainly that he is leaving and I can no longer laugh at him. All I have to say is this was one hell of a show and hopefully this has set the tone for this season.
Make sure to tune in next week when New York hooks up with some of the men, Omarossa of Apprentice fame makes an appearance and the men have to talk about their financial situations.
*I in no way condone hitchhiking. I was young and stupid. I did get a free CD though!
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