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Sometimes in this world of reality TV it’s hard to believe in love. Half of the Bachelors have split from their ladies, Reichen left Chip for Lance Bass, and then split from him, and Flava Flav has been through two Flavors of Love, and after the end of season two, managed to impregnate a woman who was not even a contestant on the show! It’s hard not to feel jaded and cynical toward any show that purports to find true love… until a show like I Love New York comes along. If anyone can find true love from a reality TV matchmaking show, it’s New York. And honestly, if there’s someone out there for her- there’s someone out there for everyone.
In case you don’t remember, New York was a contestant on Flavor of Love 1, where she had her heart broken by the man with the golden grill- Flava Flav. She came back for more lovin’ in Flavor of Love 2… and had her heart broken once again. Yikes! Someone is a glutton for punishment! She tells us that she fell head over heels for Flav twice, knew they were destined to be together, had lots of sex with him, and then was thrown over twice. Time heals all wounds, and New York is over Flav but she’s still alone. Not for long though if any of these 20 fine looking men have anything to do with it!
Where did they find 20 guys to do this show?
New York’s 20 eligible bachelors are lined up in front of the mansion waiting to catch a glimpse of their beauty. The door opens and out prances… a very effeminate man in a pink hat! The men are very disappointed, and some of them can’t even look at this man who introduces himself as New York’s personal stylist and assistance, Chamo. Chamo leads the men into the house, and New York sashays out in a tiny, tight pink dress that matches Chamo’s hat. The men cheer and chant her name, and Chamo squeals and claps his hands together in delight. Everyone is very, very excited! One man even yells “You put the hurt on my penis!” Wow. I never thought I would see anything less classy than Flavor of Love on TV, but I’ve just been proven wrong.
New York welcomes the men, thanks them for taking part in this debacle, and tells them to explore the house. The men take off and we see the bedrooms, kitchen, pool area and barber chairs. Barber chairs? Why on earth are there barber chairs in the house? Wait, I probably don’t want to know. The guys start to let loose and get their drink on when Chamo calls them back into the front room for the naming ceremony. But first, New York has a very special surprise for everyone, including me. Her mom- Sister Patterson. Great. Although Sister Pat, has a cheery demeanor and pleasant disposition, some of the men seem very unhappy to see her. Oh well, I’m sure everyone will get along well once the alcohol starts flowing.
Sometimes it’s just too hard to remember a guy’s real name.
Now the fun begins. It’s time for the men to get their new names. New York asks each guy to tell her a little about himself so that they can pick his nickname together. Let the naming commence!
Rico gets his name because he is smooth and dresses well. I think it’s an abbreviation of Rico Suave, and I wonder what ever happened to Gerardo? He was a fine musical artist.
Pootie gets his name because he wants some, and for some reason wants to be called “Pootie.”
Tango is a mama’s boy, and that’s all I wrote down about him in my notes.
Wood says that his nickname comes from his last name, as Chamo giggles in the corner like a 13 year old.
Whiteboy is Romanian, Scottish, Italian American, and that’s too much for Mama who decides he will be Whiteboy from now on.
12 Pack tells New York he developed an 8 pack just for her. She disagrees and thinks he has a 12 Pack!
Heat is very, very close to his family. Mama like.
T-Bone is kind of a big guy, and I have the feeling New York does not find him all that attractive.
Mr. Boston tells New York and Co that he used to be called “Stud” in high school, and I figure he either attended a very, very small high school, or his classmates were well versed in sarcasm. New York decides to call him Mr. Boston.
Onyx is a beautiful stone, and he is a beautiful guy.
T-Weed actually wants to be called “Tumbleweed” because he is sincere. I’m not sure what the two have to do with each other, but New York shortens his name, and Mama tells us T-Weed has the whole package.
Ace is a tennis pro and coach.
Trendz is a trendsetting rapper.
Bonez loves God, quoting Proverbs and dancing. Mama loves Bonez.
T-Money went shopping at J Crew before appearing on I Love New York. He is extremely preppy and kind of boring. Sorry, T-Money.
Real is a musician and reveals that his brother is also in the house, and the two of them are extremely competitive.
Chance wants to be called “Famous,” but New York does not go for that. Chance is Real’s brother and is pretty loud. New York immediately likes him because he’s a thug, and Mama immediately dislikes him because he is a thug.
Token gives himself the nickname because “everyone needs a token.” Mama does not agree!
Finally… Romance. Romance wants to be called Cupid because Cupid is the Roman god of love. He tells New York that he had a tragic incident three weeks before, and lost his precious little dog named Princess. He cries as he tells New York that he will treat her just as well as he treated his dog, and presents her with a picture of him and Princess together. New York names him Romance and thinks he’s sweet. Mama thinks he needs therapy, and I don’t disagree.
Time to party poolside! I’m sure that this will be a civilized soiree filled with all sorts of intelligent conversation and an open exchange of ideas. Chance starts of on the right foot with Mama New York when he brings her a drink and she refuses to drink it. I don’t blame you Mama- got to watch out for those Roofies! Chance doesn’t worry about Mama though, and leads New York off to a private area of the pool so they can have some deep conversation. New York is feelin’ Chance, and I’m sure Chance wishes he was feeling New York. New York announces that five guys will be going home tonight, but I’m guessing Chance won’t be one of them.
Remember how Mr. Boston wanted to be called “Stud?” Well, the kid really thinks he is one, and soon has enough of Chance monopolizing New York’s attention. He interrupts her conversation with Chance, and Chance flips the hell out and starts yelling at Mr. Boston. New York tries to tell him to calm down, but he dismisses her, (which I’m sure Mama would have loved if she had seen it), and I think Chance missed the lesson on how to share in pre-school. Real lets us know that he’s going to let his brother act like a fool tonight, but will not allow it in the future.
New York gushes about how much she likes Chance, because he he’s a real thug, not a fake thug, wears baggy clothes and drinks a lot. That’s so funny New York, because those are exactly the same attributes that I look for in a man! New York does not think Mr. Boston is a thug- in fact, she thought he was a nerd at first, but when he stood up to Chance, she is impressed by his cojones. And how does Mr. Boston stand up to Chance? By repeatedly telling him that he needs to take Ritalin. This makes Chance furious… especially because he does not know what Ritalin is.
Moving on, New York gets the opportunity to hang with some of the other guys. T-Bone admits that he hasn’t had sex in over three years, and New York assumes it’s because he hasn’t had any offers. Heat tells her he’s intimidating, and New York gets a good vibe from Onyx and Whiteboy. Tango is excited to spend some time with her, Ace is boring, T-Money doesn’t believe he’s ever been in love, and is also boring. Pootie is a bricklayer by day and male servant by night. I’m not sure what exactly he means by “male servant,” but somehow I think there’s sex involved. Wood looks awfully familiar to New York, and he finally admits that he’s been on three other reality TV shows previously, and New York admires him for his hotness and honesty.
Someone’s got a touch of the gay!
Mama New York is getting to know the men in her own way, but she’s worried about the sexual orientation of some of them. Sure she’s all about gay pride, but she really wants a straight guy for her daughter. She’s sure some of them have a touch of the gay, and 12 Pack is her top suspect because of his artfully tweezed eyebrows and awesome physique. He insists he is straight, although I have my doubts when he later strips down to his tiny swimsuit and screeches at New York to get in the pool.
Mr. Boston seems straight to Mama New York, and they have a nice talk about how he is an accountant, has a twin brother, is not racist, is okay being with a black woman, and there is no prejudice against interracial couples in the 21st century. Wow. I just wrote in one sentence a speech that it took Mr. Boston forty minutes to spit out. He tries to continue pontificating, but Mama New York wisely tells him it’s time for another drink.
I think something got lost in translation.
New York is still making the rounds with the fellas, and comes to Rico. She’s really feelin’ him… until he tries to give her a somewhat offensive nickname that sounds good in Spanish, but not in English. The other men try to calm her down but she isn’t having it. Finally, Chamo manages to appease her by telling her that Rico was just trying to be endearing. New York tells Rico that he’s not off the hook yet, but might be given another chance.
Romance is crazy. And I mean the man named Romance.
Next, New York gets to spend some quality time with Romance. He starts off by telling her a kind of explicit story about how his dog Princess met her demise, cries a little, and New York responds by showing him that she has the word “Princess” tattooed on her boob. Although she thinks he’s a little weird, and sees her as a replacement for his dead dog, she knows that Romance would be there for her until the end, and they can plant trees together, or so some other earthy type thing.
Now it Romance’s time to meet with Mama New York, and he tells her she’s just like his own mom, and Mama replies “what? She’s black like me?” They start to have a nice conversation, but are rudely interrupted by Chance. Mama New York yells at him and blows smoke in his face, and then there’s a lot of screaming between the two of them. Mama calls Chance criminally insane, Chance is going to take Mama on, and I’m really sick of all this drama.
New York pulls Chance aside and he admits that sometimes he’s a hothead, (gee, ya think?), but agrees to apologize to her mother. Mama won’t accept his apology and I am hopeful that maybe Mama will persevere, and Chance will be sent packing.
Goodbye to the guys who didn’t get much air time.
New York dishes with her Mama, and it’s clear that they don’t see eye to eye on men. Mama calls 12 Pack an “undercover gay lover,” which I’ll admit makes me laugh since I’m immature, and thinks T-Bone is a keeper. She desperately wants New York to get rid of Chance, but I could never be that lucky.
It’s elimination time, and New York hands the gaudy necklaces out to: Whiteboy, Tango, Onyx, Real, Heat, Bonez, Trendz, 12 Pack, Pootie, Token, T-Weed, Romance, (who cries when he’s chosen, by the way), and Rico, Mr. Boston and… Chance.
The rest of the guys are sent home, and I don’t really remember any of their names, so I’m going to focus here on the fact that the preview for the season makes it seem like this show could possibly be filled with as much drama and trashiness as both seasons of Flavor of Love put together… and I can’t wait.