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Sadly, another season of Survivor is over, and we are left in the virtual wasteland that is reality television between the months of December and January. It’s going to be slim pickings for a while, so let’s try and squeeze a bit more life out of this one to tide us over, shall we? And by this I mean the reunion show, where votes don’t mean squat anymore and we get to see how everybody looks all cleaned up and shaved. For some, it’s not an improvement. By now I’m sure you’ve heard that Yul is the big winner, with Ozzy coming in a close second and Becky...well, Becky got the big fat goose egg. Not one stinking vote. Ouch. But hey, enough of that - we’re here for the gossip, now.
The Yulfather Speaks
You’d think a guy that had just won a million bucks would be grinning from ear-to-ear, but Yul looks rather uncomfortable. Embarrassed, even, after watching a montage of his high points on the island: his Godfather comments, wheeling and dealing with Jonathan, Aitu kicking Raro’s collective asses up and down the island, and his chiseled abs. Yes, I’ll miss those abs. *sigh* Jeff congratulates Yul, but gives Ozzy props for dominating the challenges like he did, and admits that he feels bad that Ozzy didn’t win. Yeah, he’s happy for Yul, but Jeff’s making it really, really obvious who his favorite was. The now chubby-cheeked Ozzy blushes and points to Yul, saying “he deserved it.”
Jeff goes back to Yul, not wanting to look too biased, and they talk about his strategy. Yul thinks it was good timing (and good luck) that he was sent to Exile Island and found the Idol when he did. He played it just the way he wanted to, not as a one-time save-my-butt thing, but as part of a game-changing strategy. When asked what he thought when Candice and Jonathan mutinied, Yul said he thought he was “screwed.” For her part, Candice thought the mutiny was a good idea at the time. Not so much now, but she had fun anyway. I guess she forgot her tirade against Jonathan, the rat who wouldn’t feed her lazy ass.
Sundra (who looks amazing) tells Jeff that the Aitu four triumphed over Raro after the mutiny because they had the right mix of people who wanted to play the game with integrity. Either that, or Raro was the biggest collection of inept dumbasses seen yet on this show. Jeff snarks on Yul’s habit of constantly running numbers and probabilities during the game, and Yul shows his inner egghead by explaining how he got Jonathan to flip back to their side. I hope he doesn’t talk like that on a date, for crying out loud.
Does She Or Doesn’t She?
Back to Ozzy, Jeff asks if he had any idea that Adam had promised Yul his vote at the end if he got rid of Jonathan - no, Ozzy didn’t really know the whole deal. Adam (who looks either stoned, or really tired) says that he kept his word by giving his vote to Yul. If Yul hadn’t gotten rid of Jonathan, Ozzy would have received Adam’s vote and he would have won. Yul insists that every decision was a group decision, and Becky wasn’t just a tagalong like Jeff suggested. Jeff then asks Becky if it’s a little frustrating that after being so instrumental in the game (if you say so, Jeff) that she’ll probably only be remembered for the dud of a fire challenge. 38 days on the island and she still couldn’t start a fire until someone handed her a box of freaking matches? She insists that they practiced, but their nerves got to them. Or, they just plain suck at starting fire.
Then Jeff asks the question on many people’s minds: were there any romantic feelings between Becky and Yul? Any surreptitious kisses between sips of coconut milk? Unlike, say, Adam and Candice’s sucking face in plain view of everyone. No, no, says Becky. We just shared a lot in common and knew that we’d go farther in the game if we aligned. “We didn’t cross that line,” she says. “Did it enter your mind?” Jeff asks. Becky shakes her head no, and Yul just grins. I ain’t buying it.
Not quite done embarrassing the overly-modest Yul, Jeff brings up the fact that he was named one of People magazine’s sexiest men, as the audience whoops it up. Yul thought it was a practical joke at first, and he appreciates the nod even if he thinks it’s all a little silly. Jeff then brings up the infamous hot tub scene, where Yul, Ozzy and Parvati all got nekkid. Jeff said he couldn’t tell if Yul was thinking “This is a great moment!” or “This is my worst nightmare!” For the record, Yul wanted to get the hell out of there, but he didn’t want to leave Parvati alone with Ozzy for fear that she’d use her feminine wiles on him. Or give him some sort of STD.
What’s the first thing Yul did when he got home? Why, get a membership at Costco and proceed to buy more food than he could possibly fit in his fridge, of course! Just thought I'd throw that in there.
Meet Mowgli’s Little Brother
Next we’re treated to an Ozzy montage, where he swims like a fish and climbs trees like a monkey. How did he learn such bizarre skills, Jeff asks. Ozzy explains his love of books, having read Robinson Crusoe as a child, swimming in his backyard pool every day, and he learned spearfishing with a friend. It was a childhood fantasy of his to be stranded on a deserted island, and it came true! Unfortunately, Ozzy became depressed when he returned to the “concrete jungle,” missing what he called the “roots of humanity” out in the wild. He also points out his dad in the audience, the man who raised him. Apparently his biological father is not in Ozzy’s life. His loss.
The Wandering Jew Without a Tribe
It’s Jonathan’s turn. Jeff asks him if he thinks he was the “villain” of the game, and he replies no. “How can you have a villain in a game? There’s no villain in Monopoly!” They were all there to play for a million dollars, and he just wore his agenda on his sleeve, Jonathan says. He warned his family that he would be called some “fantastic names” before they watched the show. Cancer, rat, weasel, etc. But he doesn’t hold it against anyone, knowing that they were only saying those things in the context of the game and they wouldn’t talk like that in real life. I’m looking at you, Candice and Parvati. Jonathan now feels more appreciative of the life he has after having played the game.
We’ve Seen The Best, Now Here’s The Rest
Remember Sekou? The first lazy-ass voted out? Well, he’s back, and he’s written a song about Survivor. Let’s just say it won’t be hitting the Top 40 anytime soon. Fortunately, we’re only tortured with about 30 second’s worth. Jenny says she regrets not piping up at the tribal council where she was voted off, thinking that after the surprise second vote was announced, she might have been able to save herself. Then there’s Cao Boi, he of the bad winds and bad ethnic jokes, who thinks that being on Survivor was the “culmination of his life experiences.” Say what you will, the guy was interesting.
Nate, the doofus shoe salesman, explains to Jeff how he was called a “race traitor” by some of the others on his tribe. Nate says he had to play for himself, and couldn’t necessarily stay loyal to his original tribe. Stephannie (the one who longed for mashed potatoes, of all things) says that yes, she expected Nate to remain loyal to them because of race. Rebecca disagrees, thinking that he should have remained loyal because they were “tight.” Brad says that there was pressure to represent their race positively, and he and Yul wanted to break the Asian stereotype of thin, nerdy, bookwormish guys. Geez, I love Yul and all, but that describes him pretty well.
Candice and Adam. Was it just strategy, or romance? According to Candice, it started out as strategy but turned into a little more. When Jeff asks if they’re still seeing each other, Adam gives the standard “we’re just good friends” line. More like, she realized what a flaming dork he was and wouldn’t give him the time of day in real life. Well, how about the island hoochie, Parvati, and Nate? Nate admits that yes, he had some feelings for her. Parvati says she “loves” Nate, and that he helped her through the rough times on the island by making her laugh. And yes, she tells us that model boxing is legitimate boxing, thankyouverymuch. She trains five days a week and even takes head shots, which may explain a lot of things.
J.P. is next, and lets us know that we can see him on the Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency show on the Oxygen network coming up on January 10th. Yay us. Cristina tells Jeff that her coworkers ribbed her a bit for being on the show, but respected how well she kicked ass in the wrestling challenge. Cecilia says that even though she wasn’t on the show for long, it still affected her and she was glad to be a part of it. Jeff asks Flicka if she feels she must stick with her goofy hairstyle, now that people recognize her because of it. Not at all, she replies. She’s gotten nothing but love from people and she loves her Sideshow Bob hairstyle.
Poor Billy. Jeff embarrasses the guy on national tv, telling him that “Candice is now available.” Once the hysterical laughing dies down, Billy explains that it was the heat of the moment and he basically just stuck his foot in his mouth. Yeah, he had feelings, but it was a product of the situation he was in. Way to backpedal, Billy!
The Car Curse Is Alive And Well
It came down to Yul and Ozzy in the online poll, and it was a close one, says Jeff. Less than one percent separated the two, but the winner is...Ozzy! Once again, he who wins the car, doesn’t win the game. At least he has something to stash all his surfing gear in now.
And that’s it for this season of Survivor. The next season will take place in Fiji, with two hidden Immunity Idols and nineteen new contestants. Sounds like they’ll be divided into two tribes: one that lives in luxury and one in near destitution. Oh, and of course, Jeff promises there will be new twists, fierce challenges, and a decision made by one Survivor that will have everyone talking. Until then, I wish you all a wonderful holiday season and hope to see you back for the next installment of Survivor!
Congratulations to Yul! And you too, Ozzy. firstname.lastname@example.org