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Welcome to the final edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Survivor: Cook Islands! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
I won! I won! I won for all the Asians who have never been positively portrayed on television! This is for you, my brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, aunts and uncles! *bows respectively* And why have I been so successful at outplaying, outwitting and outlasting? Is it because I’m intelligent? Or maybe because I’m cunning? Could it be that my bodacious bod demands respect? Or did my suave, even temper lull people into thinking I’m harmless? Ixnay on those reasons. I’ll let you in on a little secret. I made it all the way as the Sole Survivor because...dum da da dum...I found the HII and it gave me it’s special powers. *runs off to hide, crouching down, caressing the idol in his hands chanting* Myyyyy precioussssssss. We wants it, we needs it, myyyy preciousssssssss. Sneaky little hobbitses wanted me to use it, but it’s all miiiiinnnnne, and I will never parts with it. It’s my precioussssssss, and I will keeps it close to my heart foreverrrrrrrrrr. Not even eBay will get its hands on my preciousssssss… *clears throat* Huh? 'Scuse me? Million, what million?
AAGH! Adam no like puzzle. Why Adam do puzzle? Bah! Adam KING of all island. Others go home, take bo-ring women with them. Adam no want go home! Adam stay, dream of many coconuts. Dream of…dream of… Dude, I just had the strangest dream. I was stuck on a deserted island with a bunch of people, and I was like, King of them all. They brought me fish and coconuts (ugh, I don’t even like coconut) and made me a killer hut. They worshiped me, and these two gorgeous babes just threw themselves at me. I remember that people just kept disappearing and there was some sort of coup, then I was magically transformed back to my dinky apartment in the city. *shakes head* Um, well, I must have fallen asleep there for a minute, dude. I guess break time’s over; let’s get back to work now. Hand me that copier manual over there, will ya?
Even though I came in second place everyone knows that I am the winner of Survivor. I took everyone down in the competitions. If not for that stupid twist of a final three the game would have been mine. I think instead of letting the jury decide they should have let Yul and I go and wrestle. I could have stunned him with my large, vibrant hair and then taken him down. I would have humiliated him but it would have been completely worth it because I would have won. This game is all about winning and that is all I wanted to do, WIN. I know that my hair makes me a partial winner, not only because of the sheer heights it reached but also because of it ease to manage while living on the island. I sure hope I can fit all my hair into my new car. I wonder if it has a sunroof?
Well! Who on earth could have guessed that my strategy wouldn’t work? I was sure that I would at least be one of the final two… er, three. I mean, Yul and Ozzy? Really? Just because one dominated the game physically and the other mentally doesn’t mean either one of them deserved to win the million dollars! Do you know how hard it is to be utterly forgettable and mediocre, and never win any challenges or get any air time? Really hard! And, okay, possibly before coming on a show like Survivor, I should have taken some sort of outdoorsy class that would have taught me to start a fire with flint… or matches, but I never, ever thought it would come down to something as stupid as that. I just can’t believe I didn’t win, and I didn’t even get the car. I guess I was as unmemorable to the viewers as I was to my Tribemates.
What's that? You heard something? Something that sounded like a miniscule gnat flying past your ear? That was ME you big, stupid, unobservant twits! Yul certainly had no problem hearing me when we talked strategy throughout the game, but it was like once we were down to the final three I ceased to exist altogether. OK, so I don't know how to build a fire very well, but given two hours, loads of dry kindling, ultra-flammable coconut husks and a whole box of matches I can take care of business. But you know what, I contributed in other ways, dude! I was totally the woman-behind-the-man for the last month and a half. We dominated the game TOGETHER. I guess I just expected to be able to step out into the light at the 23rd hour. I couldn't even MAKE the light at the 23rd hour. I swear, if Yul does not propose to me soon, I'm going to need years of therapy.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Dinahann, mrdobolina, Brandy, Mariner, Yardgnome, AJane, waywyrd, Lucy, SueEllenMishke, speedbump, suncat7, roseskid and totoro.