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Hey, here’s a little quiz: How can you tell you’re obsessed with Bob?
Answer: You’ve actually considered (briefly, but still) gaining weight so you can try out for this show in the hopes of meeting Bob. You fantasize about the moment at the final weigh in where Bob, upon seeing your babe-tastic new body, declares his undying love and you ride (or run) off into the sunset together to raise a brood of smurfy, tattooed children.
I don’t pretend that this is anything less than pathetic, but there it is.

So here we are at the super-sized finale of The Biggest Loser. You know what that means: super-sized filler and lots of video recaps. What won’t be super-sized? This season’s contestants! After many months, everyone is back tonight to face the Ginormous Scale of Doom one last time and show off their new hot bods. For the first of twenty times tonight, we learn that only three of the final four will make it to the weigh in tonight. Ooooooo, I can hardly stand the suspense!

Before we go any further, I have to give a shout out and a big thank you to the fabulous AJane for filling in and recapping last week’s show while I was (*gasp*) without a computer. To catch up on the last week at the ranch, you can read her witty and wonderful recap.

Take That, Readers’ Digest!
Our intrepid and wardrobe-challenged host, Caroline Rhea welcomes us – the viewing audience - and a screaming studio audience to the live finale show. By “live” Caroline means “I will introduce lots of video clips that will be played in front of a live audience.” The actual live part will only take about, oh, 30 minutes, tops. After the Morticia Addams getup she wore at last season’s finale, it seems Caroline decided to go low-key. She’s wearing a dress in her preferred Pepto Pink, but there are no hair extensions in sight.

Our first video recap comes maybe 30 seconds into the show. We’re treated to a rehashing of the entire season in under four minutes. I find this alarming because I spent an entire season watching and recapping this show and they just showed the whole thing in four minutes. Way to take the wind out of my sails, people. In short, there are lots of tears, backstabbing, whining, sweating and fat behinds in spandex. If you want more detail than that, you can go back and read the recaps!

Our final four this season are Red Teamers Heather, Wylie and Kai, along with lone Blue Team member Erik. Through the magic of photography, we see the changes in each of the final four at each weigh-in at the ranch. The changes are dramatic. Caroline reminds us that there’s a lot at stake: $250,000 and the title of The Biggest Loser. Other prizes include $50,000 for the Biggest Loser at Home winner and $100,000 for the Biggest Loser of the players eliminated from the ranch.

Catching up with the 36 At Home-rs
It’s time for the Big Ass Scale to make its entrance. Let it be noted that the scale gets a bigger and better entrance than anyone on the show. Sharing the stage with the scale are the Biggest Loser At Home players on risers and sitting in alphabetical order by state. Caroline announces that nine of them have lost over 100 pounds. The two at home players with the greatest percentage of weight loss will weigh in tonight and one of them will win $50,000.

The two players who will vie for the $50K are Matthew from Maine and Poppi from New Jersey. We saw both of them a while back when some of the at home players competed for the right to return to the ranch. Ultimately, Adrian and Jaron were the winners of that competition, but they’re not competing for $50,000 tonight, now are they? Anyway, Poppi is a changed woman. Her once wild, curly hair is straightened and she looks about half the size she was at the beginning of the show. Pastor Matthew is also noticeably smaller and now looks like Bible Study Ken. Seriously, there isn’t a hair out of place.

Poppi is up first. She tells Caroline that she started the competition in a size 22 and now she is one of those women she used to hate: the kind that wears a size 2. Her starting weight was 232 pounds and she now weighs 115 pounds. That’s a loss of 117 pounds and 50.43% of her original weight. Matthew gets the bad news: in order to beat Poppi and win the $50K, he must lose at least 184 pounds. So, no pressure. Matthew started the competition weighing in at 366 pounds and…yeah, before we find out what he weighs now, we have to endure a canned speech from one of the stuffed shirts from 24 Fitness…..now he weighs 190 pounds. He has lost 176 pounds and 48.09% of his original weight. While those are huge numbers, it’s not enough to beat Poppi. She gets the $50K.

It’s at this exact moment that Caroline loses control of the show. For the rest of the show, Caroline will make failed attempts to get people to stand where she wants them to, speak when she wants them to and basically follow her instructions. She will be largely unsuccessful. I never noticed how high-pitched and annoying her voice can be.

Homecomings and Goings
Now that we’ve gotten that part out of the way, we can move on to the players whose names we actually recognize! Caroline introduces all of the players who were eliminated from the ranch, in order. Everyone – with the exception of Nelson and Adrian, who look about the same as when they left the ranch – looks amazing. Almost every one of them looks nearly unrecognizable from the pictures taken of them when they arrived at the ranch.

As you might remember, the final four players – Heather, Erik, Wylie and Kai – all left the ranch in last week’s episode and we saw them returning home, but didn’t see any reunions with family and friends. Tonight, we get to see the welcome home celebrations. On the way home in the limo, Heather waxes rhapsodic about motherhood and weeps over being away from her daughter Bella. When Erik’s limo turns onto his block, he begins to cry.

Wylie says that, initially, he just wanted to lose weight, but now he wants to win…..this is probably the kiss of death for Wylie as far as the competition goes, but he still looks great. His friends are thrilled to see him and go crazy when he announces how much weight he has lost.

In Utah, Heather’s husband and family welcome her home to screams. I’m sure this is because they think she looks great, but I’d probably scream for other reasons if Heather walked in my front door. Heather’s daughter Bella goes right to her, but she doesn’t seem to recognize her mother. After a little private reunion with her husband, Heather admits she’s already thinking about getting in a workout (*winkwink nudgenudge saynomore*). As we will see later, this leads to other problems.

In Alaska, Kai returns home to her family and friends. Her parents are appropriately proud. Not only has Kai lost weight, but other members of her family are also working on getting healthy. Kai tells us that her sister lost over 20 pounds while she was away at the ranch.

Erik’s wife Michelle is really excited to finally get to see him. When he walks through the door, her jaw drops. His daughters – who are just about the cutest things ever – squeal in delight at seeing their daddy. The excitement gets the better of one daughter and she begins to cry. Michelle tells us that seeing Erik now is like looking back in time. He’s clearly a happier, healthier, new Erik. It looks like a pretty small welcome home committee until Michelle leads Erik to the back yard where a huge group awaits him. Erik cries, I cry, it’s a big, soggy mess.

Time to Give Away Some More Money
Soon enough the video clips are done (for now) and we’re back to the studio with the twelve players who were eliminated from the ranch. They’ve all changed into work out clothes in anticipation of their final date with the scale. Before we go any further, Caroline introduces Bob and Kim. Kim is in some sort of strappy, black cocktail dress, but who was paying attention? Bob is wearing a suit. I swoon. While Caroline tries to keep the show moving, Bob runs over to hug all of his Blue Team peeps. He finally goes back to stand with Kim, but continues to hop up and down and point at everyone gleefully.

Caroline lobs a few questions at the 12 players. Jennifer says that her family was a great help in her efforts to get healthy. Marty can’t seem to stop gazing at this own biceps, which is understandable since I can’t stop gazing at them either. Those are some big guns, baby. These twelve players will be weighing in to determine who will win $100,000. They step up to the scale in elimination order.

Jennifer started the competition at 245 pounds. She now weighs 145 pounds. Weight loss: 100 pounds / 40.82%
Tiffany started the competition at 255 pounds. She now weighs 204 pounds. Weight loss: 51 pounds / 20%
Nelson started the competition at 404 pounds. He now weighs 335 pounds. Weight loss: 69 pounds / 17.08%
Melinda started the competition at 236 pounds. She now weighs 172 pounds. Weight loss: 64 pounds / 27.12%
Amy started the competition at 260 pounds. She now weighs 143 pounds. Weight loss: 106 pounds / 40.77%
Ken started the competition at 358 pounds. He now weighs 197 pounds. Weight loss: 161 lbs pounds / 44.97%. Ken takes the lead in the competition.
Pam started the competition at 247 pounds. She now weighs 179 pounds. Weight loss: 68 pounds / 27.53%
Brian started the competition at 308 pounds. He now weighs 152 pounds. Weight loss: 156 pounds / 50.65%. Brian takes the lead in the competition.
Bobby started the competition at 321 pounds. He now weighs 225 pounds. Weight loss: 96 pounds / 29.92%
Marty and his biceps started the competition at 365 pounds. He now weighs 219 pounds. Weight loss: 146 pounds / 40%
Adrian started the competition at 227 pounds. She now weighs 169 pounds (8 pounds more than when she left the ranch). Weight loss: 58 pounds / 25.55%
Jaron started the competition at 323 pounds. He now weighs 163 pounds. Weight loss: 160 pounds / 49.54%

Brian wins the $100K! Yeah Brian! Yeah Bob! To me, Brian looks a little on the thin side, but now that he’s won the money, he can use it to buy some protein powder and a weight set.

Working on Willpower
From here on out, it’s all about the final four. Cue the video recaps! With six weeks to go until the weigh in, Erik looks even smaller. He admits that there are a lot of distractions and now that he’s back working at the deli, he worries that he’ll return to his old ways. If it’s not the danger of fattening food, it’s the temptation of cigarettes. He vows to remain a non-smoker and to keep away from sampling the wares at work.

Heather is having a hard time balancing her work outs with the rest of her life. She tells us that she went on the show for her daughter and, while she is working out every day, she is getting tired. Inexplicably, she begins gaining weight in spite of her heavy work out schedule.

Wylie says that it all comes down to food with him. The working out is easy. He then admits to ordering and then eating an entire pizza. He has nightmares of waking up to find that he’s the old 300 pound Wylie again. That must be one huge pizza. He’s also frustrated over not being able to lose as much weight as he’d like. Hello? Pizza.

Kai is back to her hard-drinking and partying life in Alaska. Who knew? Cue the video of Heavy Kai shaking her rump in what I assume was her audition video for the show. Cue also the hangover video after one of her party nights back at home. She whines and cries on the treadmill about being tired and hung-over and finally realizes that she cannot keep partying the way she did.

The Part Where I Nearly Fall Off the Couch
Before the official unveiling of the final four, Caroline takes a minute to talk to Bob and Kim. She says that everyone wants Bob as their trainer. And can you blame them? His big fitness advice: don’t wait until January 1st when you can start now. Kim admits that the show was overwhelming and crazy. She chokes up over how she was able to change lives.

Here come the last videos of the final four. With two weeks to go, Wylie fits into size 32 pants. Kai tells us that she has let the party girl in her go and now fits into a size 8. Heather works out some more and whines that she isn’t a quitter.

It seems Kai has been having a recurring nightmare. In the nightmare, Erik is running a marathon….carrying his entire family. *Snort*

Speaking of Erik….at least I think that’s him. Holy crap. I wouldn’t even recognize him with a name tag. Even over the video sound, you can hear Bob flipping out over Erik’s new body.

Shock and Awe
Finally, it’s time! Wylie is up first. We see a picture of the old Wylie and then the skinny Wylie bursts through that picture. He is skinny and gorgeous in a black suit. Caroline hangs all over him. Wylie says he feels amazing – like he can fly.

Kai was always life of party, but says she felt like the fat friend. She’s fat no longer. The skinny Kai bursts through the picture of fat Kai. She’s in a tiny black dress and looks amazing (although it pains me to say that, it’s true). Wylie and Kai hug and squeal and basically ignore Caroline as she tries to maintain control of the show.

Because of his obesity, Erik’s life was in danger before he came to the ranch. Cue the picture of fat Erik. Some other guy bursts through the picture of fat Erik. Holy crap again. That cannot be Erik. Wylie and Kai are clearly shocked. They both hug him. He’s gorgeous. Who would have thought? Caroline loses control again as the three gush over each other.

Before making it to ranch, Heather struggled to keep up with her daughter. Now we learn why she was struggling to lose weight: she’s currently five months pregnant. I guess her hubby was really excited to see her come home from the ranch. Even though she can’t continue on in the competition, she gets a nice consolation prize: a brand new dream nursery.

Two Tons of Fun
It’s time for the final weigh-in and I’m still in shock over Erik. He looks like Bob’s brother. He started out on the ranch weighing 407 pounds and feels like the show – and Bob – saved his life. His success has even inspired a friend of his. Well, it’s a guy Erik’s wife met online who is basically stalking them through email but, you know, if he’s losing weight then good for him.

Okay, it’s not the final weigh in. it’s the next to final weigh in. Back when all fifty contestants arrived at the ranch, they all were weighed together on that giant scale. Their total weight was 14,384 pounds and they vowed to lose 4,000 pounds as a group by the end of the season. All fifty get onto the scale together again and the total weight is 10,103 pounds. As a group, they lost 4,281 pounds.

That’s a Lot of Pudding
The good news for the final three is is that they’re all going home with money. The third place finisher will take home $25,000. The second place finisher will win $50,000 and the Biggest Loser will take home the grand prize (sponsored by Jell-O) of $250,000

Because Erik lost the most weight at the ranch, he will get to determine the order in which he and the others weigh in. He chooses Kai to go first since she always hated weighing in: this way, she’ll get it over quickly. Wylie will go second and Erik, as usual, will weigh in last.

We see Kai’s journey video and I suppress the urge to mute. Kai arrived at the ranch weighing 262 pounds. She now weighs 144 pounds. That’s a weight loss of 118 pounds, or 45.04% of her body weight. Caroline congratulates her, saying that Kai has lost more weight than any woman ever on the show.

Wylie is up next and we see his journey video. In the video, the heavy Wylie he talks about the fact that, even though he lives near the beach, he never goes there because he doesn’t want to take his shirt off. Skinny Wylie hops on the scale and strips off his shirt. He poses and flexes on the scale to the screams of the audience. Wylie arrived at the ranch weighing 307 pounds. He now weighs 178 pounds. His total weight loss is 129 pounds and 42.02%. Kai is still in first place.

It all comes down to Erik. In order to beat Kai, Erik will have to lose more than 183 pounds. I cross my fingers. Erik’s journey video plays and I still can’t believe it’s the same man. Erik arrived at the ranch weighing 407 pounds. His weight now? 193 pounds. That means that Erik has lost 214 pounds and 52.58% of his body weight. It also means that he wins the big money. Erik is the Biggest Loser! Confetti falls from the ceiling, Bob goes crazy and hugs Erik, Caroline loses complete control of the show and another season of The Biggest Loser comes to an end.

Congrats to all the contestants who worked so hard this season and especially to our winner, Erik!

Email your plans for healthy living to me at Critical@fansofrealitytv.com. I’ll read them while eating dark chocolate M&Ms and Diet Pepsi……and fantasizing about Bob.