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Tonight is Dancing With The Stars: The Final Results Show! And tonight, the Season 3 Champion dance team will be named. The winner takes it all...or at least, a shiny, tacky, Disco Ball Trophy. Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris, our charming co-hosts for all of this past season, look radiant. Well, Sam does! She’s wearing...makeup! Red lipstick 1940s style. Her hair flows in glamorous curls down to her bare shoulders. She’s wearing a strapless gown of black lace over beige fabric. She looks very old Hollywood. Tom is in a black suit. Even our judges look natty. Len’s in a velvet tux and dark red accents, Bruno and Carrie are also in black - either something special’s afoot or this show has gone goth.

Just what is this Disco Ball Trophy, really? Is it just that our stars want to see themselves in all its little mirrors? What hold does this thing have on them, really?

We see a quick closeup of Mario Lopez and Emmitt Smith. The actor and the NFL superstar have worked extremely hard for months in order to be standing where they are tonight. In just a short time now, the results of all their hard work, time and talent will culminate in either a win, or, a disappointing second place.

When Two Tribes Go To War

Dancing With The Stars being what it is, the show treats us to a lengthy video recap of the previous night’s show. Tom calls Mario and Emmitt “two Gladiators” at war, and compares the soundstage to the Coliseum. Fittingly, we see Em and M’s “We who are about to (hopefully not) die (on stage) salute you” pre-game rituals. The NFLer is making like a puffer fish, blowing off steam. The actor is crossing himself and kissing his hand. Tom reminds us that last night, both teams performed the same dance to the same song. In fact, it was a Samba, to the Stevie Wonder hit “Sir Duke”. It wasn’t sung by Stevie Wonder, though; more’s the pity.

More 10s Than A Beach Full of Bo Dereks

Still recapping last night’s events, we see a revisiting of Emryl’s set of perfect 10s, and the audience (including, of course, their families) going berserk with joy. Unfortunately, Mariorina’s first dance scored only a 29.
Emmitt and Cheryl’s Mambo got another set of perfect 10s. Mario and Karina’s Paso Doble received three perfect 10s as well. Oh, was I keen for someone, anyone, to stand up during judging and say “But this one goes to 11”.

For the third dance, each team was allowed a freestyle segment. For this dance, although choreographed, no rules applied - the teams could perform any type of dance moves, any combination of moves also, that their heart (or feet) desired. They also got to choose their song. Cheryl and Emmitt performed a type of 1980s hip hop number with elements of ballroom mixed in; their song was “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer. Sadly, judge Bruno dinged them a point. He said Emmitt was shaking a bit when Cheryl dismounted from the lift. So, Emryl got a 29 total, for their Freestyle routine. At this point, I was wondering...Will there be another tie? How uncanny would that be, since it would not be the first time this season? Hmm. In any case - needless to say, Emmitt’s family Boo’d Bruno’s 9 score loudly (yet politely...).

Mario and Karina’s Freestyle dance netted them a perfect 30 and much praise from the judges. Carrie Ann called it the best dance all season. With that perfect score, both teams ended the performance evening - the last of this season, and the dances the win would depend upon - tied at 89 points total.

I Confess, I Confess, I Confess...

In the video interview booth, Cheryl (still in her costume from the Freestyle dance) protests that if Emmitt is lifting her with one arm, “he’s benching me”. I’m not sure what her point is, since this isn’t a Mr. Universe competition. Oh and by the way, will someone please tell Cheryl...that much gold glitter on her chest just looks like sticky sweat when the light hits it. I’ve been meaning to say it all season! Beautiful woman - just too much glitter. Even pixies don’t sparkle this much.

In their own video confessional booth (which looks just like one of those automatic photo machines) Mario tells us that although he’d love to win the Trophy, they already feel like winners, they had “a blast”, and this experience is something he and Karina will never forget. Karina says that Mario has put a lot of heart into this season and, even if he does not win, she wants him to know he surely deserves to. And back to Chermitt: Emmitt is counting his blessings: namely, working together with Cheryl, and learning and growing as dance partners. Cheryl says Em will always be her # 1 and a true champion. It’s all so showbiz. Let’s get to something real...Let’s see that Disco Trophy! Hey! There it is, in front of the judges’ podium. How Magical! How Disco! How...tacky!?

Encore, Encore!

Since tonight is a very special evening - no, not because Len is wearing a velvet tuxedo - because tonight is the very last night of Season 3, and everyone in the final four (two stars, two dancers) deserves this, both teams will perform an Encore tonight. Tom B asks Len which of Cheryl and Emmitt’s three it will be. Len says the judges wish to see their Samba again. And so we do! Unfortunately, that means hearing the house band’s weak rendition of Stevie Wonder’s “Sir Duke”, (Would someone name this house band, please?? ABC, it can’t be that difficult, right? Name them “ABC” if you want to. Just so we all know what to call them). By the time this band gets through with it, he’s a peasant. Even the slide whistle sounds tired. Oh please, judges, please don’t name Mario and Karina’s Samba too. (They had the same song!)

By the way, in Tuesday’s recap, I went into much detail about the individual dances, including photos. I don’t see a reason to recap it twice; it’s exactly the same dance. (I’ll cover what may be different about tonight’s versions, though.) Since their Samba got a perfect score from the judges, though, suffice it to say ‘Emryl’ are doing a very capable, light-footed rendition. I think they are even more confident and energetic with their steps than last night - and their timing and turns are more crisp. They seem in perfect sync. Their confidence is not surprising, since this is simply an Encore performance and cannot be judged. The votes (viewer votes plus judges’ totals), we all know, are already counted. And since this will be the last time I’ll have a chance to say so - Cheryl’s costume is really beautiful. Silver bugle beading (it looks like, anyway) over flesh colored fabric, and atop all that is a skirt constructed of separate fabric pieces in teardrop shapes. The hem is uneven. The unique design provides much visual interest, and since competitive dancers need every edge, I think costumes are important. A great costume can even improve the audience’s enjoyment, accentuating turns, lifts, etc. Providing that much extra motion.

That aside - these two are sure having fun out on stage tonight. Cheryl keeps grinning. And when Emmitt does his solo, the crowd...goes...wild. Knowing this is probably the last time they will dance together, (certainly the last time in this contest) Cheryl and Emmitt exchange a sad hug, the way old friends would do. Emmitt’s arms seem to wrap around Cheryl almost twice. But then, what would you expect from the Care Bear? He’s gotta be huggable!

We see a quick shot of Emmitt’s own three Beauty Queens in the studio audience - his wife Pat, and two of their daughters (the youngest must be still at home). He has a beautiful family. They, of course, are cheering ecstatically. Then Cheryl and Emmitt make their way to the judges’ area - not to be judged, but to be praised. Oh look! There is the Ghost of Dancers Past! And they made them wear the outfits they were ousted in? Wow. Magic Mirror, I see Tucker and Shanna and Harry and Vivica and Sara and...do be a doo bee! Huh - what? Sorry...back to the Recap.

If Only Someone Could Bottle This Much Energy!

The judges have chosen Mario and Karina’s Freestyle dance (to the song “It Takes Two”) for their Encore tonight. So once again, we see Karina as Sweet Charity...er, I mean on a tabletop...and Mario in his Una- er, unique hoodie. Karina waits for Mario to begin. Bruno is eyeing Karina. It’s funny but the yellow and red balloons decorating the set makes the backdrop behind her look even more like a Dime A Dance Hall. Bruno looks like he wants to throw her a quarter. Mario crouches like a bullfrog, then leaps! high into the air. I have photo proof of all these things - and you thought Recappers just made up details when things got dull. No dullness found in tonight’s show. And not much filler. Thank heavens! The judges and audience are in a festive mood and everyone seems to be having fun. Even the contestants.

Mario and Karina, like Emmitt and Cheryl, are that much more energised and accurate in all their moves than they were last night. Since all the teams were on point last night, that means it’s a pleasure to watch these Encore dance routines. Even the band seems to be feeling the adrenaline! I think it’s a different male singer, but whoever it is, is knocking the lyrics out boldly and on beat. Hey look! Mario is pop-locking (popular 1980s street dance in America) and he’s cracking himself up. It’s good to see everyone having this good of a time. Mario and Karina are really on fire, giving this dance their all. I know a lot of home viewers were mightily entertained. And just as with last night’s Freestyle, Mario and Karina end this one in a pretzel formation. And just like last night, Mama Lopez and friends cheer and applaud and burst with pride.

Mario and Karina join Tom and Samantha (or, Mariorina join Tomantha) just in time for Sam’s hyperbolic praise. She basically says that Mario is amazing for someone who is really an actor. But that’s kind of the point of this show, right? And why he made it to the Final Two. Mario is at a loss for words; he’s also panting for breath. He even asks for time to catch his breath. Then he gives Karina all the credit. Aww. Sweet.

They’re Still Torturing Tysonia??

Video recaps aren’t just for the stars, on this show! SlimFast’s torture victim contest winner Tysonia Sichinga of Carson, California is awarded her own time filler segment for product placement her hard work. “Never in my wildest dreams...” she begins. Do we really need to hear the rest? Bla, Bla. Ed Grimley, Dance Instructor Christian, her teacher, is very complimentary toward Tysonia, I must say. Then, while Chris talks to himself the interview camera in the comfort and safety of a candle-filled room (I hope his fauxhawk isn’t flammable), we’re forced to witness Tysonia’s Tears again. SlimFast, what is your aim - to make her cry her weight off? Is this some new form of diuretic? Hmm, I probably shouldn’t give them ideas. Basically the rest of the SlimFast(er and Faster) segment is Tysonia dancing and getting just a weeee bit slimmer every minute. I wish I had this on film, so I could rewind it, and watch her put all her weight back on. Ohh, did I say that?

Tysonia, wearing a new weave (as seen two weeks ago in her SlimFast segment) and actually looking slimmer, weighs herself and tells us: She has lost 15 pounds. For those from the UK, I believe that is about one stone? Don’t throw any at me, if I’m wrong. Slimmer-than-a-bar-of-soap-in-a-hot-shower-Tysonia gleefully confides (it’s just between us millions or so, ah-kay?) she got a promotion at work. We see her co-workers staring her down with homicidal envy looking on admiringly as Tysonia whizzes down a hallway, head held high. (Yes, that’s the adjective I chose, & I’m leaving it alone.) Chris says she is a genuine person (well then why isn’t she in the room with you, huh? If you like her that much?) - as opposed to the replicants SlimFast almost chose. Ok, he didn’t say that last part, but dang, this showbiz bla-de-bla is boring. Hey wait, what...who...that’s Maks! And Tysonia! Thank you, Recap gods! I’m awake again. (Anyone know how to apply for the SlimFast Dance Challenge?)

Next up, the show runs yet another video recap. This one is week by week. It's a bit much to recap a recap. It's a look back at the past season. I'll just hit the 'highlights'. We see Tucker’s chair, Bruno’s insults, and Tucker wishing he could make Bruno wear it as a hat (just kidding); Jerry’s partner Kym nursing an injured leg; (Psst, Jerry - My 90 year old relative Sally misses you! You made a lot of fans while on this show.) We see the judges yelling at Mario and Joey for breaking the rules, and insulting Harry Hamlin. Jerry talking about the Waltz he wants to dance at his daughter’s wedding, and Carrie Ann crying at his performance. (Sally loves ya too, Jer!) Vivica going home, and Monique crying about that.

Night of the Zombie Dance Contestants

They're all baaack. And Tucker Carlson still can’t dance! Tucker and Elena take the stage for a little Cha Cha Cha. Tucker employs his prior tactics of basically walking around the stage. Well, it’s alright. Some people just have two left feet and after all, he makes a living sitting at his desk. Truth be told, he does seem to move better than week 1. Anyway, there are more undead past contestants on teh way: Shanna and Jesse are twirling slowly to Criss Cross’ “Jump! Jump!”. I notice that all the ousted teams are wearing the same clothes they wore when we saw them last. Have the show’s producers been keeping them in cold storage? Seeing them look the same as their last DWTS appearance does not provide continuity - it provides nightmares. The Zombie kind. Haunting Hashly appear and launch into a Quick Step that has a “Lust For Life”. Ashly is in a blood-red dress; they’re tearing up the floor. Team Hashly and others from Dancing With The Stars past and present, will be performing in a city near you in the upcoming DWTS live tour. Well, live is a matter of opinion. Bring garlic!

Who let the fox out? Vivica and Nick repeat their Paso Doble, complete with Vivi’s cake tier gown (sorry Tom B-riffic, I’m stealing that joke!). Their song is “It’s My Life” and the lyrics go “I just wanna live forever...live while I’m alive”. Well, now’s your chance! Dance away! Before they put you back in cold storage, er, I mean send you on touuuur. Ack! Who let the rest of the Zombies past stars back out? Isn’t there a cryogenic chamber backstage? Someone do something. They’re all lined up!

Someone hide Bruno. NO wait! He’s their Master! At last, his accent is explained. He’s Bruno the Bold from - oh dang nothing starts with a “B”. He’s Bruno the Bonechewer! And he’s shooting red red lasers out of his eyes! All the zombie dancers are in his command! Look out, audience!!

Sorry, it got boring.

I do notice, however, that Tomantha are hiding up in the balcony. Well, those contestants’ costumes probably have not been dry cleaned since last worn some months ago. Enough said in polite company. Let’s move along, shall we let’s?

It’s Maks

Or let’s not. Maks and Willa are reprising their last dance, to the studio band’s version of Sting’s “Every Breath You Take”. I know what...! Maks can fight back the zombies! And if he is one himself...well, I doubt anyone would much mind. In fact, I think the ladies would line up and helpfully roll down their turtlenecks, and render themselves supine. Or, as supine as advancing age allows them to get. What is this magnetic charm Maks has? With his black hair slicked back, and magnetic stare, if he were actually Dracula I wouldn’t be surprised. (And that would be good news, Maksfans - we could rent out a stadium and all become Brides of Maks. Hey, what works for Moonies can work among the Undead. P.S., Maybe Emmitt could get us a bargain on the rental.) Back to the dance: Maks crouches towards Willa, and she leans into a backbend. See? Although, her gown already does not provide much protection against bites. She’s showing more flesh than fabric (though she looks lovely). Maks is dressed all in black - his hair is slicked back. Hmm, if he were a vampire, it might help explain his superhuman strength. Wait a minute! With all the time this one spends gazing at his reflection? He can’t be undead. (So much for The Brides of Maks, then. Aww. It’s OK, ladies. I’ll get our Stadium deposit back.) And, what’s Willa doing now? She’s - climbing him. And he’s reaching for her shoe...don’t tell me he wants a pair just like that. It’d break my heart. No - he’s removing the heel!! He’s got a super secret Zombie repellent hidden in there. And a phone! He’s calling Daniel Craig, the new 007! (Hey let’s see how many ABC sponsored product tie-ins I can fill the time with, before the show finally announces the Winner.)

What am I saying. Maks is dancing. Aw, no - song’s over. There he goes. Hopefully to a film career. Call me, Stilts! I’m listed in the Yellow Pages under “Brandy the Recapper”. Oh, and...bye, Willa.

I hear Maks and Willa will be part of that thar newfangled dance tour, if anyone wants to see ‘em. And why am I now talkin’ country-style? Ah, because Miss Sara Evans just moseyed onstage with her ex-partner (no, not that one!, Tony Dovolani. Yes, the Recap must go on. They’re two-stepping to “These Boots Are Made For Walking”, one of the best pop songs ever. Sara manages to make it bland. Alright - to be fair she seems more energetic and bouncy than she did while on this show. Maybe she’s resolved some things back home? And here’s Jerry and Kym...hardly looking dead at all. They have been nicely reanimated, and are dancing the Samba in comedic fashion. Jer, Kym, again...Sally loves ya! I’m sure this re-performance made her night. Jerry and Kym ham it up in a way befitting folks with legions of fans. Legion? Did I say ‘Legion’? As in Thy Name Is Legion? Someone call Maks the Magnificent out again - to fight this evil peril. He could send them back to the green room hades with one well-placed roundhouse kick.

I saw Tucker Carlson’s green glowing eyes - And it looked like Shanna was sharpening her fangs on Mama Lopez. Stakes at the ready, ghoul hunters? Aw...give Shanna a while.

Monique and Louis hop out onstage, and do a duck walk. They’re in black and yellow. I guess it was either that, or run around wildly to The Flight of the Bumblebee. The crowd loves their energetic dance. Last among the ghosts of dancers past, are Joey Lawrence and Edyta...Edyta. Her surname is hard to spell. Joey sidesteps in, with an umbrella horizontal in his hands. There he goes again - Joey, it’s bad luck to open an umbrella indoors! Didn’t ya learn your lesson yet? Anyway he and Edyta ‘Fox Trot’ gracefully (to “Singing In The Rain”) and that’s that. The others join them for a lineup, but I’m happy to recount to you that it’s only the last five couples out. Somehow, Maks the Heroic has beaten the others back into their cryogenic containers. Soon to be shipped out to a town near you! Look up the DWTS Tour on abc.com.

And Then He Kissed Me

I have to blame Maks on the delay writing this recap. I was minding my own business, writing about zombies, typing away...you know, a usual workday. And then Maks blew a kiss - to camera. A really sweet, gentle kiss. (He really did! You saw it - right, ladies?) I fell over in a dead faint. And who was it meant for? Rumored inamorata Willa was in his arms already. Clearly, it was for the faithful DWTS viewers. So (once I woke) I had no will to keep typing. I put my Dr. Pepper and Cheetos away. I...I unplugged my computer. I spent the next...oh, I am ashamed to say how long...filling up my Trapper Keeper notebook with little hearts and plus signs. Brandy + Maks. 2Cute2Be4Gotten. Mrs. Brandy Chemer...Ch...Chemerkov...Er, Mrs. Maksim will do. When I woke up out of my daydream, I was covered in ink. But, I dragged myself back to my desk to keep writing this Recap. Because Maks the Great melts my hardened little Recapper’s heart. I’ll wear my ink stains proudly, along with all the other women who witnessed that kiss. We’ll be the Sisterhood of the Pen. Aaahh-ooohh!! Now that’s scary.

Mostly Filler, Some Dance

But not as scary as yet another long, video time filler segment! This time, we hear from Emmitt’s mother Mary, his wife Pat, and also from Mario’s parents. Or, from Mario’s mother, at least. I think someone’s sewn Richard Lopez’ lips shut. And hey, Mama Lopez is still alive! Shanna didn’t get all her blood. But with a name like Elvia, maybe Ma Lo has some bloodcurdling secrets of her own? Anyway - Mary Smith and Ma Lopez both say something about they can’t believe how well their sons are doing...and...hmm. How can I concentrate on the rest of this Recap, when visions of Maks blowing a kiss to the camera to me, me, me! for there is no other fan...but me! keep dancing through my imagination? Hmm? O Cruel, Cruel fate. Or something like that. What? Friend of Mario Elizabeth Berkley just said something, in her brief interview, about “something moving through” her when she last watched Mario dance. Well you shouldn’t have eaten lunch at the studio commissary, Elizabeth. Should know by now! And a friend of Mario Lopez has some strange advice for him and Karina. Now Ryan Seacrest is on video, criticising Emmitt’s outfits. Oh, let him have a look in your closet then, Ry. If there’s any room in there. Lastly, we finally hear from Emmitt’s Mom, who says her chest is still sticking out. Well, y’know. There might be something in Ryan’s closet to help that, too.

Amazingly, Tom the Busy Bee finds himself with yet more time to fill. (Is this show an hour long, or have we wandered through some sort of space-time continuum?) He interviews the undead, who are behaving nicely in their seats. All except Tucker, who growls that he misses his chair. He’s grown very attached to that chair. He must go everywhere with it stuck to his bum. Well, there might be something in Ryan’s closet to help you with that, Tucker. Monique the Chic says her favorite part of the show was when her Mom was in the audience (and on the stage too, Mo - I remember!). And then there was the day, Mo says, she found out Jerry was her real father. Jerry!! ...What will I ever tell Sally? She got a kick out of watching Jerry bring the comedy to dance, every week. Jer, she’s 90. But she’s loved watching “Jerry and his beautiful partner too” on Dancing With The Stars, and anyone that can make my 90 yr. old relative happy is more than OK by me. So even though Jerry was out some time ago, I’m glad he got a chance to make so many folks smile.

Well, look at that. While I was typing away, another video segment went by. Isn’t that a shame? Emmitt and Mario talked yet some more about what this past season was like. Learned a lot, had a blast, didn’t think they’d make it this far, life lessons, happy to just be there, but they want to win. Somebody cried. Did I misinterpret anything? I closed my eyes and thought I was listening to an old VHS tape of the Oscars by mistake.

Just Tell Us, Already

It’s finally time to find out who won the Season 3 Championship Trophy on Dancing With The Stars. Tom Bergeron tells Emmitt that ‘the judges think he is the Big Easy, but does the audience agree?’ Uh, Tom...you wanna rephrase that? Samantha Harris tells Mario that ‘the judges were blown away by his energy, but did America agree?’

Nope, I guess not. Emmitt and Cheryl are the Season 3 Champions. How did the final four contestants react? Shall I just let the pictures tell the story?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, just what would you put in those thought bubbles?

As the crowd screams and cheers, Emmitt and Cheryl leap into a hug, and pyrotechnics light up the stage. I’m glad ABC didn’t go cheap, and just hire some kid on a tricycle with a fizzy Sparkler, or something. Mario and Karina are awfully quiet as they applaud politely. It does have to be a letdown to have worked all season only to get this close, and then not take that Trophy home. Heaven knows it would cost almost $4.99 to assemble it from parts found in any arts and crafts shop. Well, Ma Lopez may wish to know that. She vowed on yesterday’s performance episode, that she would make Mario a trophy if he did not win one. I guess she had better get out the glue and break a few mirrors. No, wait, that’s bad luck. Let Joey do it! He’s already jinxed from that umbrella shtick.

The applause just seems to go on and on. Karina looks as if she would like to slink away quietly - but of course, she must stand and smile and clap graciously until the cameras are off. Mario just grins and shrugs. He’s got a dimple for every occasion. Emmitt’s wife Pat hugs his mother Mary. Em’s eldest daughter high-fives her grandma (Mary). Tom kids Emmitt that at last, Mark Staubach will have to respect him. Emmitt throws the sad-as-mice-in-a-snake-cage Mario and Karina a crumb, and says they were “true champions all season” and “raised the bar for dancing”. Em says he appreciates Mario’s hard work and that Mario’s been a true gentleman. The crowd is still applauding but no longer screaming, so Sam takes the chance to embarrass contestants one last time, and asks Mariorina if they have anything to say to one another. Mario says no, but he does say that it’s been an incredible journey (Oscar speech again?) and he thinks he’s made his mom and family proud. (Mama Lopez nods from the audience.) Just when Mario starts to talk about Karina (“an amazing person”) Sam cuts him off entirely and asks Karina to say something to Mario. Calm down, Sam! Karina says that Mario was, to her, the best man in the competition, and he is her “true champion”. As she says this, Karina’s voice cracks.

And now, Tom hands Cheryl Burke (Dancing With The Stars Champion 2 years in a row) and Emmitt Smith the Disco Ball Trophy. Wait - there is only one Trophy? Are the winners supposed to cut it in half? Both step up and both demur to the other, until finally both take hold of the Trophy. Tom also keeps a hand on the Trophy and helps them lift it. Finally, Cheryl convinces Emmitt to take the Trophy himself. Emmitt poses like a Champ - which, come to think of it, he is - with it. Three times winning the Super Bowl, and now he, a non-dancer, has won Dancing With The Stars as well. Emmitt, were you born under a lucky star? Maybe you have good fortune springing from that winning smile. It has genuine warmth.

Both teams in the Finals were capable, talented, and hard working. It simply must have come down to who the viewers who voted, liked more. A battle of grins if you will. Whose smile did they like? Whose did they trust? Whose big grin melted their hearts? Some viewers have speculated on how the winner is ‘really’ chosen. I’d rather not speculate. We can’t really know for sure. And why diminish Emmitt’s win? He had a lot of fans and fans voted. He danced well. And at the end of the day, all the doubts and shadows burn off like morning mist (or like the cast of the Dancing With The Stars tour, as the sun comes up). All that matters is who won.

The Winner takes it all! Cue Abba.

Congratulations, Emmitt and Cheryl! You’ve entertained us for an entire season. Well danced, Mario and Karina. The band doesn’t sing Abba - perhaps those lyrics are too goading - instead, they gently sing Queen’s “We Are The Champions”. Gold ticker tape floats down from the ceiling, landing everywhere. Season 3’s cast move in to hug Emmitt. Or maybe bite his neck. Not sure. (Good luck getting through that muscle, anyway!) Jerry dances with one of Emmitt’s daughters. I see Ma Lo in the background, gamely smiling and applauding. Mario did not pick up his suave charm from the ground, so it seems. Emmitt is holding onto the Trophy and his family hug him. Tucker, Shanna, Nick, stumble around the stage not sure where to go. All is well, children. All is well. You can go into the light.

They Shoot Recappers, Don’t They?

And as for my own goodbyes...it has been fun and a privilege to write the Recaps for everyone, every other week. (And thanks, AJane, for splitting the job!) I truly appreciate every single reader and every kind comment. Thank you so very much. Thank you also, to the cast of Dancing With The Stars for working so hard to entertain us all...and for providing me with so much to satirise. No hard feelings - It was all in jest.

If you need to flag me down, I’ll be at the amphitheater selling “Maks” T-shirts. And lipstick remover. Password: “Bride of Maks” gets you a free keychain.