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Welcome to another edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Survivor: Cook Islands! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .

I… did not get a good reception from Raro, but I know that mutiny was the smartest thing to do. I have this game in the bag- I am going to win. I have my alliance with Adam, Candice and Parvati, and there’s no way that can go sour. We’ll go to the final four, and from there I’ll take the ultimate prize. I know that my new tribe will come to appreciate what a natural born leader I am, and when Nate said that there is no room for a leader on Raro, he was just kidding around. He’s not in my alliance, co I don’t really care about him anyway. There’s no way he can hurt me- no way any of them can! I am invincible!

I love Aitu so much. I mean, I am in love with all of them! After we get off this island, I want all four of us to live happily together in a special commune where we’ll raise our children and bond over breakfast food. I’ll even bring my son! Betcha didn’t know I had a son… or anything else about me. Yes, we will all live in harmony, but not Jonathan and Candice. They betrayed my happy family, so they can just go to hell! I’m sure that ass Jonathan will get sent home soon anyway.

My tribe is superb now that the loser Jonathon has left us. He was such a loud mouthed jerk who thought he ruled this tribe. He is a pathetic loser who is going to get what he has coming to him. My tribe is so much better now with me in charge and the other 3 being stellar performers. I was so embarrassed when my tribe won and I read that letter from home and it brought tears to my eyes. I don’t want the others to think I am weak by crying but they seemed very receptive to it so I think they are looking up to their leader even more. I am so golden into the final 4 with this group. I can’t imagine not winning and getting a shampoo commercial out of this show. Damn my hair looks good!

Aitu rocks, baby, and who says fraternities aren’t educational? In today’s challenge, we needed balls to hit a hole, and all I had to do was remember back to those good ol’ days with my frat boys, and blam, I hit that target every time, heheh. After today’s win, being with my tribe was more entertaining than the time Senator Lieberman and I ran naked in front of the White House after downing several tequila shots. So I say let those pansy asses, Jonathan and Candice, leave us for greener pastures. As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing greener than money, and it’s getting closer and closer to finding its way into my pocket.

I’ve perfected the art of hiding on this show, so climbing into a barrel today to be rolled around was right up my alley. And since I’m so good at keeping things on the down low, when Yul said aloud that he figured out how to hit the target, I was quick to shush him so that Raro wouldn’t hear. I may be quiet and unassuming, but Sundra gave me a nickname that I’m going to take with me wherever I go from now on -- Sexy Becky. Yep, I kinda like the way that rolls right off the tongue. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Sexy Becky needs to slink back into the surrounding jungle so as not to draw too much attention myself. Sssssh, now you see me, now you don't.

I am soooo glad to be away from these people and this Island hell. I knew they all thought I was standoffish. Well I was...because they suh-mell! 21 days with no showers, mouthwash, or deodorant. My dears, it was hidge. And Nate...with all his talk of chopping up poo, and cradles. Two things I’d just rather not think about. And the third? Well, three four women in my new tribe, and it’s been 21 days...you do the math. Let me off this Island now, please! Thank you. Here I go...away from these trogs who don’t know who Diana Vreeland is. I'm going to be so glad to be home! Away from Nate and Adam Neanderthals’ talk of clubbing people on the head. (Nightmare!) Away from having to build my secret sailboat in the woods, though I am proud of the woven coconut-husk sails (a childhood watching Gilligan's Island, and a fashion degree - suh-nap!)...Save me a spa robe, book me a mani/pedi and call Nick Verreos. We have got to talk when I get back to L.A.!

Adam Woman, Candice come home to Adam. Jeff make Adam put Candice in small log. Adam no want Woman in log! Woman drown! Adam float Woman slow on water. Woman safe! Ooooooogh. Adam warm by Woman at dark sky. Hide in woods with Woman and make house of small log. Dig hole in sand for Adam Woman have Adam babies. Cover eggs, like turtle. Woman safe! Candice mine! Adam happy happy, Oog! But why Grey Beard Man come Raro too? He old and talk much. Grey beard man talk talk talk talk. Candice say he talk bad on Adam!! Say he say, send Adam cold sand on ocean. Adam see fire in sky there, Adam shake brave!! AUUUGHHHH - Me no happy. Bad Grey Man talk Candice? Adam take brick, chase far. No? Nate say No. Nate Adam friend. Nate say, Puzzle Man go now. Yes. Adam no like Puzzle. Good Nate! Puzzle go, Candice stay. Talk Talk Man go soon. Adam King of all Island! Adam get all men off Island soon!! Candice mine. URRRGH! Oorgh. Mmm.

Well, that just frosts my coconuts! The first chance Candice gets, she jumps ship to be on my tribe. And you know why? Adam. That’s fine, she can have him. I don’t know what’s happened to that guy, but he’s turned into a grunting, drooling moron. I mean, he doesn’t even notice anymore when I do my “stretches” in my bikini! Plus we got Jonathan, who never shuts up. He couldn’t even drop the stupid cannonballs into the basket! Hey, I did my part – I stood around on the boat holding an oar in my hands. *sigh* At least puzzle boy Brad is gone. Some team player he was. Uh oh – you’ll have to excuse me. Nate’s over there hogging all the camera time again. I can’t have that!

There was no way I was going to mutiny…Hell no! That would mean bringing attention to myself, and that is the last thing I want while I am on this island. So of course I was ecstatic when I got to compete for reward and my big part in the competition was to hide in a barrel!!! Now that’s my kinda competition! After we lost, I convinced the prop master from the crew to let me keep the barrel. I’ve been hiding in it ever since. No one on Raro Beach even knows I’m there anymore, they’re just going about their Survivor lives like Jenny doesn’t even exist. That is, until I channel Nate at Tribal Council and talk about picking Aitu off like zits after the merge. Other than that, I’m going to get back in my barrel and hide. Next time I come out I expect Jeff to be handing me a giant check for a million dollars.

It took me one hot minute to defect to the other tribe when Jeff gave us the opportunity to switch. Hello, did my tribal mates really think I would be loyal to them when my hot little cupcake Adam has been blowing me kisses since day one on this godforsakenisland? Forget winning the game, my True Love and I just want to be together. But eww, eww, eww, why did Jonathan follow me? Whatever, I fixed his wagon - I told Adam that Jonathan was talking smack about him. Now Adam is going to whip his wienie butt. Well, not right now because that weird Brad had to go home first, but after that Jonathan's gone, baby. I am soo in with this tribe - I don't need to worry, 'cause Adam and Parvati have my back and everyone loves me. I'm special, believe it!

Well slap me silly! I wouldn’t have been more surprised if Jeff had mooned us all before the Reward Challenge than I was when Candice and Jonathan stepped off that Aitu mat and mutinied. What in the hell were they thinking? Oh. My. God. Now, that puzzle boy is gone those two will be gone in two snaps. And, damn it. I really wanted a muffin. Why couldn’t those other four pull out a victory for our tribe while I lounged on the beach where I belong? When we got back to camp, I let that numbnut Jonathan prattle on and on and work his sorry ass off while I rested for the Immunity Challenge. How many children does Jonathan have? The boy couldn’t hit the target with a ball if the target was the size of the Bounty. Who got the only two balls in? Me. That just ain’t right.

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up. Please stand up. Yo Brad, that would be you. Hahahaha. Even Jonathan showing up to our tribe couldn’t save you. Speaking of Jonathan, who does that crazy cat think he is? He’s all up in our business like a used car salesman. He threw off our chi when he stepped off the mat and joined our tribe. Candace? She’s cool. Jonathan? Go back to fifth grade and have your lunch money stolen. And then the moron loses the immunity challenge, dropping cannon balls like it’s hot. Ay-yi-yi. I got a good thing going here. He better not screw me over.

We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Dinahann, mrdobolina, Brandy, Mariner, Yardgnome, AJane, waywyrd, Lucy, SueEllenMishke, speedbump, suncat7, roseskid and totoro.