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This recap is brought to you by the letter "F". "F" for football, which keeps pre-empting the Amazing Race week after week, and "F" for a few bad words I was muttering when I had to scramble to reset the TIVO. It could also by "F" for the quality of this recap, but that remains to be seen. And away we go!

Before we get into it, what on EARTH is that sort of "word" that is sung in the Amazing Race theme song? It's said a couple of times at the first, and to me sounds like either "propane" or "Rogaine". What is that word? Why is it there? Is it a subliminal marketing ploy?

Phil of the Amazing eyebrow tells us that this Sugar Plantation in Mauritius was the pit stop for the last leg of the race. Dustin & Kandice are the first to depart, at 3:00 AM, and let me say, they smile way too much for it being 3:00 AM. They rip open the Clue - fly over 700 miles to Antananarivo, Madagascar. When they land they are to search for a landmark called the Black Angel, which has been painted white. Of course the fact that it's been painted isn't included in the clue. They'll find their next clue at the angel.

Finders, Keepers
Dustin & Kandice decide that they cannot possibly drive the car that they wrecked, as it's not fitting their beauty queen status to drive around in a damaged vehicle. Since the Popemobile isn't available, they grab another team's car, leaving their sad, wrecked green car behind for another unsuspecting team.

Tyler & James leave 5 minutes later, and Tyler is complaing in interview "James is being passive in our relationship and our team. Plus dude would never share his stash back when we were junkies." Okay, he didn't really say the stash part, but I'm trying to fill out a recap here, people!

Rob & Kimberly are 4 minutes behind the last team, and Kimberly says that they're still learning, and still trying to communicate without arguing. Ha, you all are really truly sucking at that, Kimberly. They nag nag nag nag nag so much, I can't believe that one of them hasn't stabbed the other just for some peace and quiet. Tyler & James have waited to leave with Rob & Kimberly, and Rob points out the route, proving to Tyler that James really hasn't regenerated many new brain cells, since his route had them going the long way. It seems like Tyler is learning that constantly being with James while sober isn't nearly as fun as he thought it was when he was a drugged-up human pincushion. Okay okay, I'm laying off the lame drug humor...for now.

About an hour later, Erwin & Godwin prepare to leave, followed 2 minutes later by Lyn & Karlyn. They all decide to wait for David & Mary. Once everyone's there they start looking for cars and see that the Beauty Queens have left their heap 'o junk behind, and it's Erwin & Godwin who get the honor of driving it.

Calling All Angels

Everyone arrives at the airport and gets on the same direct flight to Madagascar, leaving at 11:00 AM. After they land, they scramble for taxis to locate the black angel. David & Mary ride right by it, since it's not black. Lyn & Karlyn and Ewin & Godwin all do the same thing. Way to be observant there, six-pack! Couldn't you at least check it out? Do you think Madagascar is just packed full of giant angels on lakes? *Personally I thought Madagascar was packed full of lemurs, and I was prepared to do my lemur dance while singing "I Like To Move It Move It", but sadly I haven't seen a single lemur in this leg of the race.

Mystery Meat

Tyler & James arrive at the angel, calling her the "dark angel". James slams the car door in Tyler's face, once again showing that he's not firing on all cylinders. They arrive at a new twist in the race, an Intersection: - they must join forces with another team, then perform all tasks and make all decisions together until further notice. Rob & Kimberly show up seconds behind Tyler & James, so they naturally partner together. They decide to do the second (and last!) fast forward of the whole race, and it's as foul as foul can be...Fast Forward - make your way 2 1/2 miles to a market and find a marked stall, where they have to indulge in a local gastronomical delight, cow lips. Each team member must eat an entire serving, and when all four of them have cleaned their plate, they'll get to go straight to the pit stop. Cow lips. Lips of a cow. Bovine smoochers. Cattle chompers. Seriously, I mean seriously, how can anyone eat that? This is going to be the first recap that makes me throw up.

Dustin & Kandice arrive at the intersection and are perplexed, as they realize that no one will want to team up with them. Well that's what you get for being all "we're not here to make friends" blondies! Somewhere along the line they totally missed out on the "do onto others as you would have them do onto you" lesson. Oh wait, they're pageant girls, they've had that life lesson surgically removed.

The six-pack teams finally arrive at the black angel, and David & Mary team off with Lyn & Karlyn, which is a shame, as it would be funny as heck for Alabama and the Beauty Queens to have to work together. That leaves the Cho brothers to work with Dustin & Kandice.

Detour - Long Sleep or Short Letter. In Long Sleep teams must travel by van 2.2 miles to an open market. Once there they must chose 8 foam mattresses, wrap them in mattress covers, and deliver them by foot one mile. Then the homeowner will give them their next clue. In Short Letter they have to go make 28 sheets of hand-crafted paper. I'm not elaborating on that, since no one picks it. Although, one of the beauty queens does offer up to Erwin & Godwin "You are Asian, we could make paper! hahahaha!" What the heck? Those are some rude, rude girls.

Meanwhile, Mary is yelling about how she needs the Fast Forward. Is that even allowed since she and David had already done a fast forward? Lyn & Karlyn are from Alabama and may have eaten a few chitlings in their time, and if they have, they could easily throw back a plate of cow lips, as chitlings are pig intestines. It's just a short hop from that to cow lips, right? It matters not, as Lyn & Karlyn talk Mary into Long Sleep.

The Chos and Beauty Queens are also on their way to the Long Sleep, and Kandice tells the Chos "you couldn't have better teammates right now". Godwin replies "if you make it up in the mattresses, all is forgotten". Dude, are you hitting on Kandice? Because really, isn't this a family show? And Godwin, for the record, plastic Barbies won't keep you very warm at night.

Bedbugs are the least of your worries...

Teams Kentucky & Alabama arrive at the mattresses about the same time as the Beauty Queen and Chos. They all start yanking down foam mattresses, and putting the covers on them. The Chos tell Dustin & Kandice that it's their job to go get one of the locals to help them find the address, since everyone loves toothy blondes and want to help them. They're soon on their way, while Kentucky and Alabama are debating leaving their bags on the street while they carry their mattresses. Erwin & Godwin and Dustin & Kandice are carrying 4 mattresses per team, while Kentucky and Alabama have used their fanny packs to bind together all 8 of their mattresses. Erwin & Godwin seem to be just flying through the streets of Madagascar, while teams Kentucky and Alabama are having a bad time as their newly strapped-together mattress pile is bigger than the cars in Madagascar. David & Mary and Lyn & Karlyn decide to try to drag the mattresses instead of carrying them. They end up going too far, and have to turn around, then decide to undo their mattresses and carry two each. As they're struggling with all of that, the Beauty Queens and Chos have found their address, and the next Clue.

Clue - teams are no longer joined by the intersection. Teams must travel 4 miles to the base of some steps at Tohotohobato Ambondrona Analakely. Once there, they'll search for their next clue.

Tyler & James and Rob & Kimberly make it to the cow lip stall, and I find out by reading the sign that cow lips are called "Vavan'omby". At least that makes it sound a little less gross. And I'll give them this, by eating cow lips, they really are utilizing the whole animal. I don't know that here in the States the cow lips are used for anything, unless it's in those corn dogs at the state fair. Kimberly informs us that the cow lips still have hair and TEETH in them. Teeth. So these aren't just cow lips, but cow gums as well? Ewww.

They start eating, and everyone seems pretty sickened by it except for James. He's just happily chewing away like he's eating a Big Mac. I guess he must have eaten far worse things that he wasn't even aware of back on heroin? Or having been a junkie takes away your sense of taste? Rob looks like he may cry any second, and I'm thoroughly enjoying that, but Kimberly's puking is ruining my enjoyment of Rob's suffering. Because I have that whole "hear someone else puke, and I'll puke" mechanism, and I'm really struggling here. Please excuse me while I go yak. Tyler keeps telling the others that they can take their time, as the other teams have a detour and a roadblock to get through. He says they have a huge lead. All the more time to sit back and savor the succulent flavor of nasty cow lips!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Dustin & Kandice find the next clue, which is the Road Block - a road block is a task that only one team member may perform. In this road block, that person must search for the tool most commonly used by the government of Madagascar: the rubber stamp. They must search through all of the stamp vendors up and down the steep staircases and find stamps of plane, train, car and boat, and get their clue stamped. Once they get all 4 stamps, they can make their way to the next pit stop, the Cathedral Andohalo. Their teammate will already be there, having been transported while they were stamp-searching. Dustin scurries off to find the stamps while Candice goes on to the pit stop to wait.

Erwin and Godwin have had some more bad luck, this time in the form of their taxi running out of gas. They get to the road block and Erwin is going to do the honors. He starts off by screaming "stamps stamps stamps" as he runs around. Does he expect the people with the correct stamps to just come running out to him? Dustin is taking the quiet approach, whispering thank you's so that Erwin won't know if she got one or where she got one.

Back in cow-lip land, James has finished his plate first, and Rob finishes right behind him. I honestly don't know how they're doing it. Kimberly says she's getting full and doesn't know if she'll be able to finish it. I'd be full the second I saw that plate of goop. Tyler finishes, and evenutally Kimberly. In the car, Rob gives Kimberly a big kiss. Eww, after eating cow lips? Maybe he DOES love her.

David & Mary and Team Alabama finally finish their long sleep detour, and make their way to the road block. Mary is doing it for her team, and Karlyn for hers. I think it's Karlyn. This far into the race and I still don't know who is who.

Both Dustin AND Erwin have to stop for gas on the way to the pit stop. Rob & Kimberly's driver has pulled over because he's lost. They start up the exciting "this is the end of the race" music, and teams start hitting the mat at the pit stop...

1st - Dustin & Kandice, winning a trip for 2 to Hawaii AND beating the Fast Foward teams
2nd - Tyler & James
3rd - Rob & Kimberly
4th - Erwin & Godwin

David & Mary hit the mat 5th, but have to wait 30 minutes from their penalty they incurred for coming in last the last leg. They stand off to the side to wait, but ten minutes into their penalty, here comes the next team.

5th - Lyn & Karlyn who are crying because they know what's going to happen to their friends

Last - David & Mary, who are eliminated, but are happy with the friendships they've made. Mary goes on to say that the race makes her realize that she doesn't have to be stuck in her little place in the world, that she wants her kids to go out and experience life. She says that it's not a new chapter in the old book, that it's a whole new book and she manages to make me tear up. *grabs tissue*

Between the nausea from the cow lips and the heartstrings-tugging of David & Mary leaving, this recap has taken a toll on me. I'll need time to recover. Join Waywyrd next week for her excellent recap! And thank you for my sponsor for this recap, the letter "F", which is now for "finished".

What's the weirdest part of a cow you've ever eaten? contact suncat7@fansofrealitytv.com