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Just in time for Halloween, Tyra has a thriller and a chiller of an episode to put in your bag of sweets. But AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL always has a few tricks to go along with the treats. So don’t dither, come hither, and knock on Tyra’s door. The house of Top Model is open, and it’s never a bore.

Weighty Issues

Looks like someone needs to be hogtied and force fed a bottle of Midol through a funnel: Eugena is off on a bitchfest! She mentions how they’ve been there for weeks now and, as she so eloquently puts it, “these girls are starting to show their asses.” In a confessional, she goes off on a rant while furiously waving around a poor, innocent piece of toast: “Jaeda won’t stop complaining about her hair; CariDee can’t keep her clothes on; and I’m tired of hearing Anchal’s complaining.” My favorite Eugena observation, however, is the beautifully simple statement, “Melrose is a back-stabbing ho.” Eugena does not mince words. I would ask who pissed in her cornflakes this morning, but since Monique has gone home, I can only assume that Eugena’s just an angry, angry “Country Music Loving Lady.”

As Anchal practices shaking what her mother gave her on the practice runway in the living room (which also has a monitor at the end, so the walker can watch their own progress), CariDee notes that Anchal’s struggle with her weight is resulting in a “low self-esteem” that is coming more from within than without. Anchal admits that her body weight is “stressing” her out. Lord God, many women (and men) would kill for the badonkadonk in her thong-kathonk. Stop stressing, Anchal, and see yourself as beautiful as we do!

Brooke gets a themed care package from home (a copy of her diploma, a grad-capped teddy bear, and various other graduation-themed doodads—how sweet is that?) for her graduation, which she will be missing in order to participate in ANTM. She’s “bummed” but says she doesn’t regret not walking in the ceremony—it’s just a sacrifice she has to make in order to pursue her dream of becoming AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.

Queens of the Damned

Melrose goes into the backyard to find a bunch of equipment set up (lights, a backdrop, etc.). Elyssa Traub, the photo shoot producer explains that the girls will be doing a little “impromptu” photo shoot. “Ooh yay,” Melrose says with sickeningly fake enthusiasm. Oh Melrose, if only you weren’t “Soy Faux King” Too-Faced you’d probably be my favorite. The photographer for this guerilla photo session is none other than Miss Finger-In-Every-Pie: Tyra Banks, who boasts that she has been doing some photography for over 10 years now and recently shot Nicole Ritchie. You know, Lionel’s daughter, most famous for being Paris’s friend, fat-then-skinny, and being the paragon of side-swept bangs? I don’t care what you think of that bitch, she always has the best damn bangs!

The theme of the shoot is “Scary but Sexy,” and will involve getting some spooooky contact lenses (think: Michael Jackson at the end of “Thriller”—oops, no, too scary not enough sexy) and a 3 minute make up from Valente Frazier (Kiyah Wright teases up the hair to Bride of Frankenstein bedheads).

Melrose is first and does fairly well with reptilian eyes and hair that looks like what I imagine Jessica Simpson’s does after a romp with…aw whoever the hell she’s dating right now (it will probably be different by the time this posts anyway).

Brooke looks amazing in chilling ice blue contacts and Kiyah whips up her brunette mane into a fabulous faux-hawk. Brooke feels that her youth puts her at a disadvantage, since she doesn’t have the experience the other girls do.

Eugena has experience, alright; experience being scary-ass beeyatch. Tyra thinks they may have hers on the very first shot. See what I mean here?

Tyra is impressed when Michelle asks her how big the shot will be (it’s a beauty shot). “Good questions,” Tyra tells her. Tyra tells her to be scary but “not lose your model” and does an odd little movement as she says, “Like Halloween.” I don’t know about you, but I have never done a strange little circular hobbit dance on Halloween (although honestly, you’re more likely find me scarfing down half the candy I’m supposed to give out).

Eugena is right about one thing: Jaeda’s a bit of a whiner. The second she puts her contacts in, she yelps, “Ow!” She hasn’t even gotten in front of the cameras before she exclaims, “I feel so icky.” But she is giving you good scary. In fact, Tyra says she is scared of Jaeda. Jaeda says, “Looking freaky is not my thing.” Yes, yes, we all know you’re the high school sweetie pie—but if only she’d embrace the freak inside, it really suits her! Her scary look is reminiscent of Nastassja Kinski in Cat People to me. Tyra is so frightened, her shaking messes up a shot.

Amanda looks “nervous and uncomfortable” in the first shots Tyra takes, but after a little spanking from Tyra, Amanda improves. “Now I see a confident girl!” Tyra commends her.

At first, Anchal seems overwhelmed by the presence of La Tyra. “I’m very nervous about my photo shoot, to be honest with you,” Anchal reveals. But then Tyra assures her that they’ve got the shot. “We got it?” Anchal asks, dubious. “We got it,” Tyra repeats. “As long as you’re happy,” she says giving Tyra a hug.

CariDee needs almost no encouragement to get into her character. “Sexy scary is fun, “ she exclaims, “It’s dark, it’s deeo, but at the same time it’s hot.” She demonstrates her growl. Throughout the shoot, CariDee is so animated and so into her scary alter ego that she growls, hisses and lunges. “You are feeling this!” Tyra screams, pleased.

My Name is Dita, I’ll Be Your Mistress Tonight

TyraMail warns: “Get ready to flaunt your assets.” The girls relocate to LA’s famous El Rey Theater where they are greeted by a statuesque “lady” dressed up like a va-va-vavoom vintage burlesque showgirl replete with fringey merrywidow and elbow length gloves. It’s Sutan, their make-up artist, or more precisely, his alter ego “Raja.” I happen to lurve Sutan, he’s like my make-up hero, but I dare I say it, he looks even better as a woman! As a biological female, however, I am jealous and bitter at how great his legs look.

He’s not the only special guest here today. Gracing the stage is Dita Von Teese! Some of you may know her as Mrs. Marilyn Manson, but she is so much more! “World renowned burlesque entertainer,” modern day pinup, and my retro-vamp idol, Dita performs a classic striptease around her signature giant martini glass. After ending her number sitting in the glass in the buff, obscured only by a gigantic olive, Brooke is nervous at the prospect of learning striptease because “My dad would die.” If he were here watching Dita’s show, he might feel he died and went to heaven! [SFG swoons]

Dita reemerges dressed in a prim but severely structured black suit with jaunty pillbox hat. She is itsy-bitsy, but standing next to Sutan, she looks like the little Japanese civilian about to be attacked by this Glamazon Godzilla. She instructs the girls on “The Art of the Teese,” i.e. on how to use the body seductively, using the hips without being too vulgar, and dispensing advice like “props can be your friend.”

Anchal is called up onstage first, and at hearing her name looks clearly terrified. Great, let’s call the girl with body issues up first. Anchal dances around uncertainly with a fake daisy. Really though, who’s going to look sexy rubbing a big, plastic flower on their limbs? Dita could sense she was “insecure” and said Anchal could work on feeling more comfortable in her body.

Michelle, the self-proclaimed athlete and tomboy, moves around awkwardly with a riding crop in a “dance” that is about as sexy as the test shots of Gollum on the CGI reel. Dita takes the crop and shows her how it’s done, punctuating her lesson with a playful smack on her own booty with the whip.

Now Melrose is a girl who looks like she knows her way around a riding crop—but she takes it a little too far. Eugena thinks she did a poor job of following Dita’s directive to “be subtle, don’t be stripper.” Melrose shimmies like she’s in the early stages of Parkinson’s and flies offstage like she’s an amateur production of Peter Pan. “That’s enough,” Sutan hollers.

Oh Miss Eugena but has some nerve to talk. She gets gold pom poms to play with, and as CariDee mentions, there is such a lack of emotion in her performance, I feel like I’m at a Vulcan strip club. Sutan and Dita seem to like her performance though.

Jaeda is, sweet suffering succotash, still complaining about her hair. She says she’s having difficulty being sexy because she’s used to working with her hair. Why not try the rest of your body, Jaeda? She does her best though, and even lies down on the floor, writhing with a pink feather boa.

Amanda is finally in her girly girl element, and works her daisy like there’s no tomorrow. Dita thought she did a fine job, and describes Amanda as a “great combination of sexiness and sweetness.”

CariDee’s prop is probably the simplest: a pair of huge sunglasses. But with only those shades, CariDee’s number becomes the most over-the-top. In Dita’s opinion, she’s the only girl in the group who probably should “take it down a notch.” Bam, somebody do a Reverse Emeril on this girl, stat!

Brooke gets to do a fan dance. She says she’s not used to being “seductive and sexy.” No duh. Brooke was clearly uncomfortable, prompting Dita to say that she “was the most nervous of everyone to be sexy.” She’s a good girl from Texas, give her a break!

Sutan says the girls should think about incorporating more sexiness into their next photo shoot. Dita leaves the girls with the advice to “walk out there like you mean it,” be confident in themselves, and always feel like they’re the best at what they do.

Back at home, Jaeda is still. Complaining. About. [Come on, sing it with me folks!] HER HAIR! She says it was “part of my personality.” It must have been a HUGE part, because there’s not much left. Eugena says she can’t wait for girls to get eliminated because she’s “tired of them.” As Jaeda goes on about her hair, Eugena gives her a look like, “I’ma strangle you in your sleep with my hair if I have to hear you say one more thing about your hair.” I’m almost rooting for her at this point [no hair pun intended], but anyone whose name is so close to the word “eugenics” talking about people disappearing makes me a bit nervy.

Guess Who’s Clomping on Dinner

TyyyyyyyyraMaaaaaail: “My mama taught me to keep my elbows off the table – but she didn’t say anything about feet.” Is it a “Fear Factor” challenge to see which girl can eat the most chicken feet? Soon, the girls are off to another swank mansion somewhere in Los Angeles to meet Cathy Gould, director of Elite,Model Management, and model Kylie Bax, who has graced the cover of Vogue multiple times.

Tonight, Cathy is throwing a private dinner party, and “Guess who’s on the menu? You are.” Cannibalism on ANTM, it’s a television first! Actually, the long, black dinner table where the guests will be dining will also double as a runway, where the girls will be expected to give a sexy runway show.

Anchal is nervous because she doesn’t feel she has a “perfect body” like the other girls, which she feels gives them more confidence. The girls are made up like high fashion hood rats and set loose on the dinner table.

Eugena is first, and as Cathy observed, “tried too hard and worked that tray too much.” Worked that tray to death, I’d say! I thought she was going to fling it like Xena’s chakram and take Jaeda out for once and for all. Amanda’s prop is a folding fan; unfortunately, she doesn’t win any “fans” when she slips and comes dangerously close to being impaled on a wineglass. Cathy suppresses a laugh; Kylie says she was scared Amanda might fall on them.

Michelle follows directly after her sister. The Tomboy is tonight’s “Kitten with a Whip”; luckily she doesn’t stumble. When someone asks another person at the table if she noticed the two were twins, the pretty dinner guest replies, “They were? I thought that was her coming out again?” Let me guess, hmm, you’re a model aren’t you? You’re certainly no Sherlock with those powers of observation!

Jaeda is once again paired with a floppy pink boa, which I think she is using as her hair substitute the way she drapes it over her shoulders and moves it around her face. Brooke says it’s “hard” being up on the table, and says it took all her concentration to stay focused on her task and not “how uncomfortable” she was. You think you’re uncomfortable, I’d be nervous with people’s shoes so close to my crudités!

Melrose’s fan dance is a hit with the diners (maybe it helps she has the most elegant outfit on—come on, compare her bronze ensemble to the “Three’s Company” dolphin shorts the other girls had to wear—not that I don’t love the Chrissy Snow look!); Cathy thinks her timing was wonderful, and the whole thing came very naturally to her.

Anchal marches out with her little flower, and doesn’t do much—she doesn’t need to though, the guests murmur to themselves about her “stunning” face. Cathy remarks that Anchal “does not have a typical runway body.” CariDee again gets “CariD” away with her sexy dance, and drops it like it’s hot on the dinner table; in my opinion, her butt comes a little too close to something someone’s supposed to put in their mouth for my comfort.

After dinner, Kylie and Cathy give the girls some notes on their performance. Kylie likes CariDee’s energy. Cathy is concerned Anchal’s body is not in good enough shape for runway. “Crap, there goes my contract with Elite,” Anchal laments. They like Melrose’s “flow” but did not find Brooke convincing.

The winner of this challenge gets a pretty nice prize: an editorial spread in Seventeen. Melrose wins again, and the irony of her being the old Whistler’s Mother of the group and getting the spread in Seventeen of all publications is not lost, even on Melrose herself. She gets to pick 3 friends to appear in the spread with her, and she chooses Brooke, Michelle and Amanda. Eugena ‘s after-dinner dessert appears to be sour grapes. “I think it’s stupid,” she says of Melrose’s joy at winning another challenge.

Later, Melrose and her nice girl posse meet Atoosa Rubenstein, Editor-in-Chief of Seventeen at a studio where Beau Quillian (style director) and Jeffrey Jones (photographer) will shoot an editorial for their October issue on how to make a “cute” outfit just a leeettle bit sexay [yes, I wrote that phonetically because this how I actually talk]. Everybody looks great in their film. Melrose is playing nice today, saying she’d be happy to see any one of her housemates on the cover of Seventeen, “I’d be happiest to see myself, of course.”

Brooke looks especially “gorgeous” and finally seems in her own element. She is elated to finally be in an environment where she can be herself, the “energetic, bubbly, happy, smiley girl” she is. If it were up to me, I’d put fresh, fun Brooke on the cover of Seventeen before Methuselah Melrose, but hey, what do I know?

Back at home, Anchal frets over her body, saying the criticism from Cathy “totally killed my confidence today.” She knows people are telling her she needs to watch her weight, and work out, but instead she sits curled in a ball, stressing over it. She’s tired of people telling her she can’t do it just because of the way she looks or how much she weighs. Welcome to the effed up, unrealistic world of fashion. CariDee offers some positive advice to Anchal, saying if she eats better, she might feel better, and her body will follow her mind. Anchal hugs her, and says CariDee’s counsel is helping her a lot. Yay for cooperation over competition!

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Rob Ashton!

CariDee reads out the latest TyraMail to the girls, a long, semi-pornographic paragraph that begins “He eyed her heaving bosom…” and goes downhill from there. The girls fan themselves after the heated message. They head out to yet another stunning location where Jay Manuel appears on a bridge over a tranquil pool of water. Mr, Jay reminds them that the lesson this week is that there’s a fine line between sleazy and sexy. The girls will take what they’ve learned and apply it to their latest challenge: they are posing for the cover of their own personal romance novel.

Ah, the romance novel cover. They don’t call them “bodice-rippers” for nothing. Jay says they must keep their stories in their mind as they pose, and be aware that it is their image which will draw the audience. Jaeda’s story involves a “Dracula scene”; Eugena’s story is “secret lovers caught in the act”; Michelle’s is “secret love child”; CariDee is a “peasant in love with a rich man”; Melrose is a “madame” from a brother; they pull a fast one on the twins by having Amanda play the “other woman leaving her man for another woman”; Anchal will be “Cleopatra”; Brooke is “desperate” for her man to stay, “because he’s leaving you.”

The will be Chrissy Hynde lookalike Randee St. Nicholas, but she’s not the only person who will be helping them get their Harlequin on today. Jay teasingly mentions that another special guest will be joining them, someone who “knows all about romance novel covers.” The girls get made up into dramatic damsels and then meet their co-star in today’s cover. “Young, hot, let’s get some testosterone in here,” is Brooke’s rally cry. Well, this testosterone is slightly more vintage.

Awww yeah, watch out for that goose! It’s Fabio, perennial go-to guy for pec-tastic romance covers, margarine commercial ad man, inadvertent bird murderer and cheezy pop culture icon. The ANTM producers are having way too much fun with this cycle’s photo shoots, or maybe they’ve been breathing in too many goofy fumes since moving the show to Los Angeleez. Upon seeing fabulous Fabio, the girls burst into hearty laughter. I wonder if he ever cares that he’s become a pop culture punchline. Probably not, he’s laughing all the way to the bank with Banks’s paycheck, I’m sure.

CariDee is the first to go, and stuns everyone by bringing an unseen vulnerability to her “peasant in love with a rich man.” Fabio found her “brilliant,” “sexy” and says she knows “how to pose in front of the camera.” Jay compares her favorably to Nicole Kidman. Jay tells CariDee her session was “beyond orgasmic.” Mop yourself up there, Mr. Jay.

They are really challenging the twins this week. Amanda is so pretty in wonderfully delicate makeup and softly styled hair. She approaches her “other woman” with a Sapphic spin with timidity at first. Jay comments that Amanda has been “consistently fair” with all her shoots, meaning she’s “not bad, not good, just average.”

They move on quickly to the other twin, Michelle. Fabio asks if they are “inseparable” and they claim to be “very separable.” They sit Michelle, the twin who openly admitted to possibly being gay, right in the lap of that paragon of masculinity, Fabio, as she holds the doll that represents their “secret love child.” Jay says that “bubble” of personal space must now burst. Michelle says being with “a man and baby is kind of different for me.” Ya don’t say. That explains her sitting stiffly while Fabio faux-gropes her in the bed. Jay says her “face was good but her body was extremely uncomfortable.” Cut her some slack, Jay, she’s not a breeder, you should understand.

Jay warns Anchal that the competition is getting tougher and the judges want to see who’s truly engaged in the challenges. She tries not to let her “shyness” and self-esteem issues get in the way of portraying a sultry “Egyptian queen,” and this time she succeeds. “I wasn’t really thinking about my weight. I was like, you know what, I’ll use my sexy demeanor to help me in this photo shoot.” Anchal was able to let herself go and turn in a “very sexy”, Fabio-approved performance. Fabio says once she relaxed, “she was totally believable.”

Jay asks Eugena if she’s ever been a “secret lover” (I can’t not sing the Atlantic Starr song in my head when I hear those words). Eugena reticently says yes. “Ooh, I like that!? Jay exclaims. She and Jay burst into giggles like girls sharing secrets at a slumber party. Jay says their scenario is “secret lovers caught in the act.” Of what, buggery? Fabio is posed manhandling all of Eugena’s business from behind, sprawled on a couch. You can almost hear him whispering in her ear, Trust me, you won’t get pregnant this way.

Jaeda’s “bitten by a vampire” picture is dead on arrival until Jay resuscitates with some good, old-fashioned scolding. “Jaeda, you can grab him. He’s just romanced you, wooed you…You’re not dead yet.” This motivates Jaeda to push herself a little bit, and she improves enough to garner praise from the photographer. By the end, she feels her shoot went well.

Outside, the girls subject Fabio to some good natured ribbing about the women he must have around him. He jokingly (I think) claims to be a virgin, and Brooke says, “Are you a virgin, Fabio? I am too.” He then ponders the mystery, “There’s still a virgin in Texas?” Oh I’d like to hear what Brooke’s Daddy would have to say about a man probably three times his daughter’s age talking like that to his pride and joy. Brooke is “nervous” about this shoot, and it shows. Jay onserves that she’s “digging” into Fabio’s leg “like a claw” instead of lovingly, desperately clutching him. She complains that he’s “as thick as a tree.” I’ll refrain from any wood jokes, on the off-chance Brooke’s papa is reading this. Hey, I’m on you’re your guys’ side! Brooke really struggles to take Jay’s direction, and claims she’s being “forced into adulthood.” Fabio says Brooke “inexperienced” but she’s young so “you need to give her some time.” This all like a bad metaphor for losing one’s virginity. I feel dirty after watching this.

Melrose ain’t no kinda virgin and her experience definitely helps in her shoot, as the “madam in a brothel.” She hops right on Fabio’s lap, and squeals, “I just fell in love!” Again her obsequiousness makes me want to hurl—I mean cold-sake-drinking-binge kinda hurl—but her photo shoot is magnifique! She thinks Fabio’s probably “having the time of his life today” and indeed, he breaks out into a smile as he wonders aloud, “I can’t believe I get paid for this.” Neither can we, Fabio, neither can we. After Melrose’s soft-pornographic, late night Cinemax sexy photo shoot, Jay says every needs a “cold cup of water.” Melrose asks if she can take Fabio with her. Does the suck up never end?

The girls finally get to head home. As Amanda reads out the TyraMail announcing tomorrow’s meeting with panel, CariDee listens intently, crouched on all fours on the kitchen counter, clad only in a bikini and cowboy hat. She looks like an old Pamela Anderson Playboy spread come to life. Okay, Eugena might not be very tactful, but she’s right about some things: CariDee really can’t keep any clothes on her mostly psoriasis-free hot bod.

Brooke mentions that her graduation will be taking place at the same time as the weekly judges’ meeting with Tyra & Co. Her side of the room is decorated with the graduation paraphernalia her family sent her. She says, “If I get sent home on the night of my graduation, that’s going to suck a lot.” Anchal admits she’s nervous that if the guest judge tomorrow is Cathy from Elite, she will be screwed since Cathy “obviously doesn’t like my body type.”

The Graduate: Do You Want Me to Reduce You to a Sobbing Mess, Is That What You’re Trying to Tell Me?

Tyra’s photo is an emerald satin-swathed solo pulp cover entitled “Bankable No More: He Stole My Heart And My Bank!” At judging ceremony, however, Tyra, apparently getting a head start on Halloween, is wearing a grey and white dress that makes her look like My Neighbor Totoro. Not a compliment. As usual, Tyra rolls off the prize package and introduces the judges. Nigel gets an extra sexy intro this week, Miss J.’s new hair is compared to a “bird of paradise,” Twiggy is rocking the cute schoolgirl pigtails, and the guest judge is Cathy Gould, director of Elite Mod—you can just hear Anchal’s inner monologue going Oh sh—el Management. “This is the lady to impress,” Tyra emphasizes.

This week’s lesson was “How to be sexy and how to not be too sexy.” These are the kind of courses you only get at ANTM and not, say, at Stanford. Anchal is up straightaway for evals of their black & white “scary” shoot with Tyra, and their romance covers. Anchal’s picture take Nigel’s “breath away” but Tyra warns her to not “rest on the make-up and take it a step further.” Her romance novel with Fabio is titled “Love Pyramid,” and we get the point! Cathy is impressed with how “in control” Anchal looks here, which is a “big accomplishment for a young model.” Score one for Anchal! Tyra, however, points out that her film was dangerously close to hoochie at times. Tyra says there is a way to “back the booty up and not make it hoochie.” Oh Tyra, share with us your secrets of ass magic!

Twiggy thinks Amanda’s scary pic belongs in “the pages of a high fashion, glossy magazine.” Tyra likes that the picture makes the viewer “think of sexy in a different way; Cathy thinks she did a “good job.” They love the “innocence” present in her Fabio cover, “The Other Woman,” which earns good marks all around.

CariDee’s gripping scary photo is “sexy in an Exorcist sort of way,” Nigel opines. Coming soon to a porn shop near you: THE SEXORCIST! Tyra says of CariDee, “You commit in a way that is insane to me.” Tyra was blown away aby the way CariDee threw herself into the character, physically and emotionally, even growling and sneering. Tyra says, “You were giving it, all I had to do was point and click. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen model do that before.” Her Fabio cover is called “But I Love Her” and despite playing the peasant, Cathy says it’s a “great beauty shot” for her. Twiggy likes the soft side she sees in this photo, it’s a refreshing change from the normal CariDee they expect. The judges, however, think she should wear less make-up in person.

Tyra likes that Brooke was really “going for it” in her spookilicious stark photo, but is puzzled at the “two people” she sees in Brooke: the “newscaster” vs. the edgy model. Her romance cover is named “Don’t Leave Me.” Nigel thinks it’s “fantastic” as a long shot, but up close, they chide her for not having any “expression” in her eyes or face. Twiggy defends it by saying the frown shows she was into the story.

Michelle’s scary “Maneater” shot catches her sinisterly licking her lips. Tyra says she took a chance and it worked; Cathy thinks it’s one of the best pics they’ve seen so far tonight. “Who’s My Baby’s Daddy” is not as warmly received. Tyra says she looked uncomfortable throughout her entire film. Michelle explains it’s because she’s never laid in bed with another person before…much less frickin’ Fabio, who’s got to intimidate anyone. Tyra does not take well to excuses, however, and gives a speech about how at 15 Tyra knew how to act sexy. Tyra also argues, “You’ve also never been an evil person, you’ve never been to a black hair fashion show, and you’ve also never been—hopefully—a bulimic.” Okay, point taken.

I don’t know why the judges are all raves for Eugena’s scary shot. Nigel thinks they are the strongest eyes she’s ever displayed in a picture, but I can’t even see them under the contacts. J. thinks that the shot works because “that’s really her underneath all this madness, she’s really that evil.” Methinks someone’s still smarting about that garbage bag dress comment. Eugena is also having problems appearing “likeable” in person, and the whole panel jumps on her case. “Is this something you have passion for?” Cathy questions. Eugena does not have a sufficient response; Tyra points out her bad manners—someone had to! “Oh No, You Didn’t” is the name of Eugena’s cover. Talk about hoochie! Again, for the umpteenth time, they don’t believe anything in her eyes.

Melrose is the old pro around these parts. Twiggy thinks thus far Melrose delivers the best photos consistently. Tyra found her scary film “beautiful” but she “wasn’t feeling what I know you could bring.” Her “Lady if the Night” cover with Fabio is a big hit though. It’s Nigel’s favorite shot of the bunch. Tyra however thinks it’s “obvious” and Melrose needs to work on the other dimensions she can give.

Jaeda’s strong scary shot is met with positive feedback, but the judges are concerned that in person she appears “terrified again.” Her romance novel is “Nibble in the Night.” Jaeda cringes recollecting Fabio’s breath all over skin—ewww, when you put it that way! Nigel reminds her that this is a job, and you have to put aside your feelings and get into character. The judges warn her not to let her fear get the best of her; the more she thinks they might send her home, the more they want to.

The judges deliberate then return with good news and bad news. The good news is Amanda, CariDee, Anchal, Melrose, Jaeda and Michelle will be returning for sure. The bad news: Brooke and Eugena are the new bottom two. Tyra compares them as the girl whose personality is much-loved and has delivered some good pics and the one whose personality sucks and has turned in mostly bad ones. So the picture goes back to EUGENA?!!

Brooke sobs aloud over how she’s missing her “frickin’ high school graduation.” Watch your language, young lady! But no, really, she has every right to be pissed, because this is one elimination that makes zero sense to me. Why would you keep the girl with consistently poor, lifeless pictures and ditch the one who’s been mostly good but has one below-average shot?

The girls gather for a group hug around Miss Congeniality, Brooke. She walks off telling the girls she loves them. Tyra not only sticks in the knife, but turns it, remarking that even though she’s missing her graduation, there are many girls who’d kill to be in her spot right now. Um, no Tyra, no one wants to be in her spot if it’s the one that’s getting kicked off the show—they want to be one of the other seven. Nevertheless, Brooke politely says, “This is where I’d rather be.”

Later, Brooke says she didn’t see this elimination coming “at all”—me neither! And I still don’t think I understand Tyra’s trumped up reasoning. Brooke cries over all she gave up just be a part of this fiasco, and the irony that her grad night is the night she’s sent home strikes her deeply. She does add that she wouldn’t change a thing, and this experience has helped her mature. She walks out, knowing she makes her own wind in her hair.

Look at me! I’m crazy up-all-night recapper girl. I’m scary! Gimme some candy! Send all treats (no tricks, please) to snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com