Yoffy lifts a finger...
Survivor : Episode 3 recap - Don't Get Cute With Me.
Rob informs us that against the express advice and better judgment of the Lord, Tambaqui cannot use the seventh day to rest.
They won immunity last week and according to Jaburu’s own little Al Roker, immunity idol = rain, so they set about reinforcing their roof from leaks only pausing for a brief swipe at the women’s shelter building ability.
Rob – Their shelter may be more comfortable but we’re men so we just like to build it big.
The men seem to be well on their way to recreating the Playboy mansion in anticipation of the hot chicks arriving post merge.
As we will find out later, it doesn’t take anything nearly as elaborate as Hef’s pad to make some of the females bare their boobs.
Having lost the great procreation debate to Alex last week, Roger now makes Dan the focus of his attention.
Roger – Dan, do you want to go and get some water?
Dan – mumble mumble.
Roger – Ok, here’s how I want you to do it. Be sure to bend at the knees, not at the back, lift in one fluid motion and carry the container on your shoulder, not in your arms. Can you manage that?
Dan uses his best “you’re not the boss of me” tone to ask if Roger’s coming with him.
The time for talking is over, as Roger stomps off to get the water himself, mumbling and grumbling as he goes.
Roger : confessional – I really want to smack that lazy kid around.
Daniel : confessional – Roger barks orders and smells like spoiled vinegar.
Now, much as it pains me to say anything in support of Roger, he didn’t actually “bark” out the order, it wasn’t even really an order, simply a request to please do something instead of absent-mindedly checking your belly button for lint.
The vinegar comment was pretty juvenile, particularly as his almost single handed loss of the first IC hardly leaves Dan emitting the sweet smell of success.
Roger informs Dave and Alex that he wanted to give Daniel “a kung fu chop”.
After his comments in response to Roger’s thoughts on gay people last week I expected Alex to step in and point out to Roger that his comment was less than PC.
Nothing. I guess Alex has no Chinese friends.
Daniel has decided to track down his old mate, the painfully thin, decidedly ill looking Matt, to discuss his Roger related woes.
Matthew is quiet the enigma. Add, “speaks fluent Mandarin” to his list of talents, right underneath “playing Survivor even though he died three weeks ago”.
They begin speaking English, switch to Chinese with the odd English word thrown in every now and then.
Matthew previously speaking Chinese - …. Errrrr, ummmmm, firm.
Daniel - yes, firm.
If only one of them had the foresight to raise their hands to their chest, palms facing away from their body and made a “squeezing” motion, they could have easily convinced any eaves dropping tribe mate they were talking about Heidi instead of Roger.
Finally we head over to Jaburu.
Their camp is really quite disgusting. How they have managed to parlay so few possessions into so much mess is a modern day loaves and fishes style miracle.
Wasps have taken up residence in the cooking pot, still encrusted with last night’s manioc supper.
Despite being told she is allergic to bees, no one feels the urge to try and trap them in the pot to stop them getting to Shawna so she is left to dice with death and do it herself.
Jenna spots a tarantula.
Deena – Hand me the small knife.
What are you going to do Deena? Kill it or jack it for its wallet and jewelry?
Everybody knows the internationally accepted way to kill a spider is to whack it with a shoe.
Noticing the camp is riddled with insects Jenna comments, in all seriousness,
“ what’s with our food? They always want our food”.
It’s called survival Jenna. It’s a plan you have to come up with when something as brilliant as, shaking your ass in a string bikini, does nothing for the opposite sex of your species.
To finally illustrate how poorly the women are faring we get to see Jenna scraping out mold they had allowed to grow in their one reliable source of food, the manioc.
It’s clear the women are not functioning as a unit.
Deena chops wood but says her priority is water. Jenna chops wood but says her priority is food. Having expended all her energy lifting the cooking pot lid and staring intently at Jenna while she chopped wood, Shawna retires, spent and is napping when Jeanne calls a tribe meeting.
She goes over to ask Shawna to attend the meeting and with a sweep of her hand gives directions to the assembly point so vague ( “over there”) as to make Dave weep for the death of accuracy and precision in every day life.
Jeanne – Ok, this meeting is called to order. I think we need to initiate a leader, I initiate Deena.
Jenna – Initiate? Cool, a hazing, I’ll get my Zeta crown.
Jeanne “confesses” that the idea to make Deena the leader was a clever plot put together by Joanna and herself in the hope Deena would cause friction among the tribe.
Shame the tribes are gender specific as Rob over at Tambaqui would have been all over that role.
Deena reluctantly agrees to take on the job, as if she really had a choice, but makes the distinction that she see it as more of a role of delegation than leadership.
In a bid to end the meeting on a positive note, Heidi states that it’s amazing they live the way they do yet have won two out of three challenges.
In a follow up confessional she states that when it’s needed, the women say “hey what” and get the job done and I’m left wondering just how “Ellie May Clampett” one has to be to use the phrase “hey what “ as a self-motivational force.
The men are craning their necks trying to see who got voted off at the last TC.
Their collective exhalation of air in relief when they see the hot chicks are still there almost knocks Jiff off his feet.
Jiff explains that this is a game of concentration and memory.
They each have a box containing five personal grooming items, the task is to make as many pairs as possible by asking other players if they have particular items.
The boxes have been laid out in an arc in alternate tribal colours of yellow and blue and each Jiff instructs the Survivors to stand behind a box of their colour.
Joanna starts the game by pointing at one of the guys and asking “what’s his name?”
Dave quickly determines the angle of the extended digit and satisfied she is indeed pointing at him offers only the following information… “My name is Dave”.
He doesn’t even bother to look in this box before answering her “have you got a pumice stone” question in the negative.
Jiff Uh, you do actually have to look Dave.
Dave Given the number of items we have in the box and the fact that she is the first person to ask, the chances of her getting a match are so infinitesimal I didn’t see the point in expending my energy looking.
Jiff - Just look.
Dave- As I suspected, no I don’t have it.
Jiff then turns into “Pimp Daddy Jiff”, turning everything into a potential “nudge, nudge, wink wink” situation.
Dan, so tragically lovesick for the pouffee-haired Shawna, decides to “confront” the object of his desire using the tried and tested “I am so not into you I don’t even know your name” approach .
Dan – Uh, the cute girl with the curly hair (illustrates her curliness by making the internationally accepted “he’s a nut job” whirly finger motion upside his head), do you have any soap?
Verrrrrryyyy smooth Dan.
She does have soap, one point to guys and we have witnessed the only time Dan is likely to score on Shawna.
Pimp Daddy Jiff – He’s got no trouble coming over the get the soap from you.
Dan - Hi, I’m Daniel.
Shawna - Hi, I’m Shawna.
Dan – I know, I love you.
Dammit Dan, pull yourself together man.
After Roger earns another point for the guys by matching an item with Joanna, PD Jiff declares the females are “still dry”.
Daniel – I bet I could make Shawna we…
No he didn’t say that, I was just clearing out the last few entries in my “jokes I was saving for Brian “ file.
Alex then asks Jenna if she an item.
Jenna has started her coy play post merge and asks him “how do you know my name?”
The Patented “Jenna Morasca” read between the lines-ometer.
Jenna says – “How do you know my name?
Jenna means – “You want me don’t you?”
Jenna says – “Butch do you have a …”
Jenna means – “You want me don’t you?”
Pimp Daddy Jiff says – “Jenna’s not showing anything”.
Jenna says – “Not today”
Jenna means – “You want me don’t you? Oh and can you get me my own TV show?”
Finally, the moment Rob has been waiting all his life for.
He has the perfect excuse to approach the “hottest” of the chicks.
He does note when Heidi says “No” to his “do you have any conditioner?” question that he has been shot down by another woman.
Daniel then asks Heidi the same question, prompting an exasperated ‘I just asked her that” from Rob.
Jeanne swoops in and claims Daniels conditioner and Jiff is snapped from his pimpy state long enough to admonish Daniel.
Jiff really is an evil bastard. He’s been positively encouraging the men to think with their small heads throughout the game and the minute Dan proves he really is doing just that Jiff gets all business-like and tells him off.
As if Dan’s error weren’t bad enough, Shawna then asks Rob for conditioner.
Ugh, keep up with the game “pouffee”, as Rob explains, he doesn’t have any, Heidi doesn’t have any. Furthermore, Daniel doesn’t have any as Jeanne just took it from him to make a pair.
Perhaps Daniel and Shawna are well suited after all.
Jiff – Hey Rob, does that witty repartee normally work with the ladeeez?”
Rob – No
Jenna says – You should hear what we say about him at our camp.
Jenna means – Heidi wants to know who did your boobs?
In a final full on pimp flourish Jiff declares the points at 17 – 14 to Jaburu.
Jiff – Dave , you guys need to score.
Dave – yeah, we need to score.
Aha, now we know why the men’s team colour is blue.
Victory to the women.
At Tambaqui camp, Rob is telling the guys how simply knowing the women are talking about him and might want to “get with him” has elevated day 7 to the “best day of his like”.
Dave may be logical, but he knows a dude’s got to have his dreams so refrains from pointing out that Jenna didn’t actually tell Rob which of the women were talking about him.
I would hate to speculate, but have always felt that Deena and Jeanne are just waiting for the third “part’ of their ménage.
Dave’s drawn a complex graph, plotting all the variables and considers it so unlikely Rob will “get with” one of the ladies, he offers his sleeping space in the event it does happen.
Dan- I know Shawna likes me, did you see that twinkle in her eyes?
Hmmm, more likely just smarting from Roger’s spoiled vinegar.
Roger - I really enjoyed watching you interact with the women.
We know you did Roger. We could tell by the amount of times you didn’t have both your hands within plain site.
Rob I don’t like Joanna. She’s not what you’d call “Heidi Hot” and she says Jesus likes Jaburu more than us and I don’t think he cares about Survivor at all.
Correct Rob. He’s clearly more a “Temptation Island” kind of guy, plus his work on Survivor is done after handing victory to Vee.
While Deena, Christy and Jeanne bathe in one area of the camp, the booby trio decides that simply being near these women would dilute their own hotness so radically they have to bathe elsewhere.
Heidi – I’m really cute, so are Jenna and Shawna so we didn’t want to bathe near the old people. We don’t want them judging us and staring at our bodies and hating us because we’re so much hotter than they could ever hope to be.
There's nothing cute about an attitude Heidi and self praise is no recommendation.
Jenna and Shawna flip their tops off and proceed to lather themselves up while gawping lasciviously at one another.
Having still not recovered from being required to mask a fully naked, freshly gotten all-up-on Ghandia last season, the fuzzy censor blob has a far easier task in blurring out the half-nipple Shawna draped her arm across her chest to reveal. It’s the kind of attention to detail and precision placement we would normally associate with Dave.
Shawna – It was like a soap commercial that went wrong.
Yes Shawna, horribly, horribly wrong.
Heidi – If there’s a merge it would be a great idea to take our tops off. Silicone is like man-Kryptonite, they’d be unable to fight the lure of my super-hotness and would never vote me off.
They may be clean, but the sleazy segment probably left half the viewers feeling as though they needed to take a shower or at the very least apply an SOS pad to their eyeballs.
Thankfully we’re taken back to the Tambaqui tribe, where Dave and Matthew take the mood down more than a few notches.
Fishing two feet from shore, Matthew kicks off the “Save Dan” campaign by asking Dave whom he thinks should go first, Dan or Roger.
It takes Dave a millisecond to compute all the possible repercussions of booting each of the two men and decides that the odds of a better outcome are in favour of Daniel being booted first.
Meanwhile, Alex has been somewhat forced into a discussion on strategy with Rob.
Using time honoured “I’m not going to say the name of the person I’m talking about, but you know who I mean” lingo, Alex informs Rob that things round camp would be a lot better if a certain person wasn’t there anymore.
Rob’s elation at breaking through Alex’s coded speak forces him to prematurely blurt out the ‘answer” as Roger and surely lead the viewers to believe he’d be no use to Heidi if he ever did “get with her”.
They compliment each other back and forth and Rob states that not only is he all over the suggestion of targeting Roger, but like a child discarding her brand new Barbie and playing with the wrapping paper, Rob declares that day 8 has now surpassed day 7 and become “the best day of his life”.
Matt and Dave have resolved nothing and only caught three small fish, which they feel is deserving of a “potato” and bring them back to camp.
Dave confessional: - Talking to Matt made me realize we’re in a game.
Matt said Alex has been talking to him and Rob about getting Roger out instead of Dan, Dan’s been talking to Matt and Matt’s been talking to me. I’ve drawn a Venn diagram to illustrate this.
Matt feels the need to point out that this will be a primitive meal as there are no utensils or “service vessels” and the fishy broth he made would be far better if further reduced it, with all the furrowed brow intensity of a chef explaining to Michelin that they really should give him a star anyway.
Alex “confesses” that he has been approached by both the boot Roger and boot Dan factions of the camp. He is indeed in the middle of Dave’s Venn diagram.
We start out at Jaburu camp where we find the ladies getting their act together.
Deena gives directions to the other ladies. Christy hauls palm fronds, Jeanne works on the shelter and Joanna works on the fire. Shawna is seated chopping with a machete. While it’s amusing to note background music is edited in to match her rhythmic chops, the only point to her effort seems to be to get whatever it is she’s chopping to flip up into the air.
Shawna does break from her game (not sure if it was half time or if she just called a time-out) long enough to acknowledge that, while Deena can be bossy, she is a great motivator.
Deena then chips in that they have boiled loads of water, they have a roof on their shelter and the camp is clean. She should really bask in the glory of sorting out the camp and foiling Jeanne and Joanna’s little plan. She doesn’t know about the plan so she can’t, even if she did, it doesn’t appear to be her style.
As if the cleaned up camp, finished shelter and ample “clean’ water supply weren’t enough, Joanna, Jeanne and Christy are also catching some decent sized fish.
They set about cooking up the meal.
I really feel the older, less cute females should take the food they have caught and eat it elsewhere. Eating in front of the hot young ones is bound to further diminish their hotness isn’t it?
Tree mail arrives in the shape of a poem and a small cage. Despite the presence of the cage, Jeanne deciphers the tree mail with its talk of teamwork and being trapped, to mean they’ll be in a maze.
The women really seem rejuvenated as they prepare for the challenge.
Joanna and Jeanne buckle on their machetes; Heidi and Jenna brush their hair.
Over at Tambaqui the men prepare for the important challenge ahead by consulting the 8 ball regarding their chances of copping off with the women.
“Will Heidi notice Rob?”
Apparently she will.
She’ll notice his under-boob sweat if nothing else.
Cut to Jaburu, marching to the challenge to the beat of fighting jungle drums.
Back to Tambaqui and it’s Roger’s turn on the ball.
“Will Jenna give the old man (points finger at his chest and raises eyebrows suggestively) the look?”
Alex feels the need to shout out encouragement to his delusional tribe mate and manages an “All right!!”
M8B responds – “out look good”.
Jenna will give him “the look”, the look that says, “Can anyone else smell vinegar?”
Alex responds to this answer by delivering the internationally acknowledged porno soundtrack “bow-chicka-bow-bow”.
A final question for M8B comes from Dave.
“Is the most righteous Dan (cut to Dan who lifts his sleeveless “t” in illustration of his righteousness) going to take the lovely Shawna?
I dread to think what this question means, but in a bid to end this sorry sight M8B throws him false hope with an “It is certain” answer.
Jiff takes the idol back from the men. They’ve rather arrogantly decked him out in feathers in their tribal colours. Deena points out that the women had the idol first and Jeanne says they’ll just remove the feathers later.
Jiff points out that when they signed up for Survivor they agreed to be trapped with strangers, this challenge takes that literally as they’ll be shut in a cage together the object is to obviously be the first to escape.
This being Survivor though a complex web of ropes and knots has been woven through the cage. Jiff goes on to explain that you have to untie knots, release machete’s, cut through the “correct rope”, release keys, undo locks, open the hatch and climb out.
Quite the performance really.
The challenge starts and both teams seem to be fairing well. Their machetes released, the men appear to have cut through the wrong rope and tried to go on to the next stage somehow pulling their rope puzzle out of alignment. By the time they realize and try to cut the right rope they only have enough slack left on their machete rope for Dave to try and saw away with just the tip of the machete.
On the whole, the women are doing far better. Far, far better.
Even none cute girls can kick some serious ass.
They have the hatch open and are climbing out of the cage round about the same time the men finally cut that one pesky rope.
Jiff hands the idol to the women and Deena delights in handing the blue feathers back to Rob. He kicks at the dirt in embarrassment as he thanks her.
The mood is somber at camp Tambaqui.
The camera swoops in on the Believe Yourself Banner.
Ahh, if only it were that simple.
Matthew doubts how well matched the tribes are considering they have lost four out of five challenges.
They conclude that that Joanna was right and the Lord is indeed on the ladies side.
And so it begins. Rob is in the thick of the scheming speaking first to Roger about voting out Dan and then to Dan about voting out Roger and basically tries to convince each of them that they’re staying and the other is going.
Dan decides Alex is pivotal in all of this (he is at the centre of the Venn diagram after all) so decides to approach him with a “my fate is I your hands” admission.
They make their way to tribal council by the light of yet another full moon.
Jiff asks Rob how he feels and to his credit Rob doesn’t reply by saying “we’re here again, how do you think we feel you moron?”
Dave – Eight guys don’t like losing to eight girls.
It was seven against seven this episode Dave. Dammit, even your math is deserting you.
Jiff then gives then a step-by-step, self-realization guide to why they might be so hungry.
Jiff – How many hours a day do you fish?
Dan – about two.
Roger – none, I’m not a fisherman.
Matthew – about an hour a day.
Jiff - and how many hours of daylight do you get?
Dan – about ten.
Jiff – Ok, do you see where I’m going with this?
Rob – kinda, but you’d think 8ball would have said something.
Jiff decides to move onto friendships and asks Dan if there is anyone he feels he’s made a strong bond with.
Daniel – Yep, Matthew. He’s more Chinese than I am. We talk in a super-secret code so we can diss the other guys. He’s like the super-cool, almost dead , older brother I never had.
Matthews face turn from the menacing snarl he passes off as a smile to a frightened stare as he senses the implications of Daniel’s revelations on his position in the game.
Daniel then goes on to say that he feels an outcast because he’s Chinese.
In a rather touching moment Rob uses the “Sesame Street” defense stating that we’re all different and that’s what makes us unique.
There is clearly no common ground to be reached in the Dan/Roger feud so Jiff instructs them that it’s time to vote.
Daniel manages to garner every vote apart form his own, which clearly goes to Roger.
His flame snuffed, Daniel departs with a wave and Jiff sends the men back to camp.
Next week on Survivor…
Piranhas, outcasts and quitters.
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