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Surprise, it’s me! I know you’re wondering where is the supremely talented, uber-gorgeous recapper for ANTM, our own beloved SnowFlakeGirl? Snowy is out on a secret mission this week so she asked me to step into her shoes to tell you about this week’s show. Now, I have a confession to make. I haven’t seen a single episode this season but I’m ready to get my recap on. I have my hipbones all jutted out and I put on full makeup and gave myself a sassy new hairdo just for tonight. I’m also wearing my new-for-fall winter-white sweater tunic and leggings with a sweet little hip belt. I am so ready for this, so on with the show!

Last time, Jaeda got a haircut that looked super-stylish but will take some getting used to (for her anyway, I thought it looked great) and Monique wiped something on Melrose’s bed while Melrose was lying in it. Yuck! Proving the “what comes around goes around” theory, Monique was eliminated and now only ten girls remain in the competition.

Melrose is glad that Monique was eliminated because now she won’t have to worry about what Monique will do next. Michelle says Monique was the only girl she didn’t like. No one is crying because she’s gone; in fact, the rest of the girls party by taking a shower together. Looks like slumber parties have changed since I was a kid. Melrose is the lone holdout. She says they’ll only be getting 3 hours of sleep again tonight and she asks the others to be respectful of her desire to be a party pooper. Megg just wants to rock and roll and have a good time, and the shower looks like good, clean fun. Anyway, Megg calls her a bitch, and Brooke says little Miss know-it-all rubs people the wrong way. I guess Melrose will be taking Monique’s place as the hated one.

The next morning the girls obsess about their insecurities. Jaeda is still stressing over her haircut. She’s afraid that people won’t know if she’s a boy or a girl. Meanwhile Anchal fixes her second breakfast of the day, four fried eggs and sausage. Girlfriend’s got an appetite! She says she was a mess when she was younger, with her braces and glasses. Doesn’t she realize that she’s the classic ugly-to-pretty transformation from the movies? Pull off the glasses and shake that hair down out of the ponytail, and smile with those big white teeth. Gorgeous, no?

Let’s Do The Twist

First Tyramail: Don’t get it twisted. For some of you being a top model is quite a stretch, so prove to me that you will bend over backward for fashion.

The girls think this means they’ll be doing yoga so they willingly hop into the limo for a short trip. They meet model Stacey McKenzie, who is also a judge for Canada’s Next Top Model. She informs them that she’ll be teaching them how to channel their inner edginess into high fashion modeling and introduces them to contortionist Jonathan Nosan. Mmm, this is their first clue that the yoga instruction today may be a bit, er, extreme.

Jonathan demonstrates what we called the spider when I was a kid – bending over backwards to touch your hands to the floor, back arched. The girls look on in disbelief as he morphs into strange twisty poses. Everyone takes a mat to try out their own inner edginess. Anchal discovers that she’s flexible enough to pull her foot over her shoulder backwards and stick it in front of her face, which could come in handy during pedicures.

She wants to know how come she’s not skinny if she can contort herself so well? Melrose snarks that being able to contort into weird positions has nothing to do with being skinny, Anchal needs to do cardio- workouts to lose weight. They get into a mini-argument about workouts. You don’t do them. Yes I do. You haven’t done one since you came to the house.

Later Melrose holds court in the hot tub, surrounded by most of the other girls. She goes off on Anchal, who is not present, saying she puts on a fake front. Jaeda thinks Anchal may have some insecurities, but Melrose doesn’t think so because everyone is constantly telling Anchal how beautiful she is. She needs to exercise and watch what she eats so that she can make the most of her beauty, and Melrose is only trying to help her by pointing that out to her. That Melrose, I can already see that she’s the Mother Teresa of supermodels. Anchal overhears the girls cutting her down and begins to cry. A.J. comforts her by telling her not to worry, she has Anchal’s back. Anchal says she doesn’t think she’s beautiful and she has no self-confidence at all. *sniff* She’s beautiful even when she cries.

When the girls go to dinner and find they have a surprise dinner guest – Twiggy. She wants the girls to find their own uniqueness and bring it out in their modeling. Melrose dominates the conversation and lavishes praise on Twiggy which causes CariDee to comment privately that she stuck her nose right up Twiggy’s ass (or arse, as they say in England).

Strike A Pose, Then Hold It…Hold It…Hold It…
Tyramail: There’s some catty bitches in the house. She’s eyeing you and ready to knock you off your pedestal. There’s also some bad grammar going on.

Designer Bao Tranchi is having a show and the her pieces will be modeled on “art installations.” The girls will BE the art installations. Pretentious much? The girls will incorporate what they learned from contortionist Jonathan yesterday to strike a dramatic pose. Jewelry designer Erica Courtney is also on hand and the girls will pick one of her creations to go along with Bao’s designs.

Everyone quickly gets dressed. Melrose has an odd hairdo, swept forward from the back and pinned to the front of her face. Brooke balances on a pedestal in tall black boots and cape, knees bent and thighs together, and admits to shaking like Jell-O. CariDee says it was more like art than modeling. The audience walks around the girls like patrons at an art exhibit while the girls freeze in awkward poses. Bao especially likes Eugena, so it’s no surprise that she wins the competition. The surprise is that she gets to keep all the jewelry the girls chose from Erica Courtney’s collection - $32,000.00 dollars worth of jewelry. Eugena says she doesn’t have any expensive jewelry because back home they don’t have any expensive jewelers. Where’s this girl from, the moon? Get that girl to a Zales right now!

Melrose wishes she would’ve smiled more. She shows two different faces, only they look the same to me. “Do you see the difference?” she says, and CariDee rolls her eyes. I’m rolling mine at home, too.

I Feel Pretty. Not.
Tyra pays a visit to the girls. She wants to talk about fear. Melrose, that old conversation hog, immediately pipes up and says she’s afraid she waited too long to be a model because she’s 23 now, and she went to school instead of getting an early start in modeling. Oh my God girl, you’re ancient. Jaeda brings up her haircut again. Some days she likes it and some days she wishes it was still long. Tyra tells her she paid her a compliment by telling her to cut it, because she feels Jaeda has a strong face and can pull off a short hairstyle.

Tyra asks if anyone is dealing with problems with interpersonal relationships within the house (did she overhear Melrose at the hot tub too?) and Melrose jumps in to say she’s working on her patience. More secret eye-rolls from some of the other girls, and Anchal tells about overhearing Melrose talking about her. She begins crying as Tyra advises her to stand up for herself.

Privately Anchal says its hard for people to believe that she was made fun of and had no friends when she was younger. That’s why she doesn’t trust her beauty now. Jaeda dismisses Anchal with a “she knows she’s pretty.” Meow.

Tyramail: Models aren’t necessarily the most beautiful girls in the world. They tend to be gawky, have eyes that are too far apart and foreheads that are too big. They are pretty much FREAKS of nature.

A Day At The Circus
The girls take a little drive in the desert and end up at THE CIRCUS! Yeay, a day at the circus, only this is a creepy circus because it’s deserted except for art director Jay Manuel. The girls will be doing a photo-shoot based on turn-of-the-century freak shows. Ooh, this sounds interesting! Megg will be the bearded lady, Jaeda the strong lady, A.J. the cannibal, Anchal the giant woman, CariDee the elephant woman, Eugena the bird lady, Brooke the rubber girl, Melrose the old face/young body and Amanda and Michelle, Siamese twins.

After a whirlwind of make-up and instruction the girls are introduced to Altoosa Rubenstein, editor-in-chief of Seventeen magazine. Since the winner of this year’s ANTM will be on the cover of Seventeen Altoosa wants to see how they do in today’s shoot.

A.J. is first up, and her photo shoot includes raw meat and fake blood. She looks great. Brooke does her rubber girl thing, and twins Michelle and Amanda intertwine nicely for their Siamese twin shoot. Megg on the other hand is bizarre in her bearded lady persona. Jay calls her a “huge disappointment” and Megg is disappointed in herself as well for overthinking the process. Then again, I’d be worried about how I look if I had a hideous beard glued to my chin, so I sympathize with Megg.

CariDee is so charismatic in her elephant girl shoot that she almost manages to make Altoosa forget she has a snout. Jay likes Eugena’s poses and after a rocky beginning Jay calls Anchal the most creative he’s ever seen her be. Jaeda has to be coached through her shoot. Last up is Melrose. Altoosa says she “hit it out of the ballpark.”

Tyramail: Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 9 will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.

At Least You All LOOK Like Models
The girls gather for judgement day and Tyra compliments them on how good they look today. Tyra reminds them of what’s a stake: a contract with Elite Model Management, a 6-page spread, a cover of Seventeen Magazine, and a $100,000 contract with Covergirl cosmetics. The judges – Nigel Barker, J. Alexander, Twiggy and Altoosa Rubenstein- are on hand. It’s time for the evaluations and the judges will make comments on the each girl’s best photo.

A.J.(cannibal): Tyra says her look is really strong. Nigel likes the way she contorted. Tiggy says the intensity in her eyes leaps off the page.

Eugena (bird lady): Tyra congratulates her again on her challenge win on the pedestal this week. Nigel tells her that he’d book her for a job right now; great eye contact.

Brooke (rubber lady): Twiggy loves the body language in her photograph but was “let down” by her face. Nigel agrees with Twiggy, but Tyra found the photo haunting.

Amanda and Michelle (Siamese twins): Twiggy loves it; Tyra says the light hit Amanda’s chin and mouth in a way that made them look swollen; she needs to learn to pose so the light’s not hitting her in a weird way. Huh? That’s a vague criticism. Seems like it would be the photographer’s job to shoot the model so she doesn’t look weird. Then again, I’m not a model, even though I DO look like one in my new outfit. *twirls briefly*

Anchal (giant lady): Nigel says that as a model she looks really beautiful; as a giant she looks tiny. J. Alexander tells her that forced perspective would’ve made her seem larger. Actually, what he said was he would have brought himself towards the camera so the table in the shoot would’ve appeared further back and thus smaller, but I like my way better. It’s neat and explains what he meant. Moving on…

Jaeda (strong woman): Twiggy loved it but Altoosa said she stopped short of being ferocious. Tyra called the pose “bad acting.”

Melrose (old face/young body): Tyra says she still looks hot; Nigel calls it disturbing but he liked it.

Megg (bearded lady): Twiggy says her body language is all wrong. Megg immediately begins to cry. She says she was so worried about how she looked that she couldn’t focus on the shoot. She’s very disappointed in herself. Nigel tells her to keep practicing.

CariDee (elephant lady): Nigel loves the way she looks, Tyra calls her body amazing and Altoosa wants an elephant nose herself. Don’t look now…

Which Freak Is Leaving the Circus?
The girls are dismissed as Megg continues to cry. The judges have to decide whom to eliminate based on the photo shoot. Melrose gets a thumbs up from everyone; Altoosa calls Brooke as sweet as a cupcake but says Eugena has dead eyes, wow, that’s harsh. Everyone loves A.J. but not Megg. The twins are okay, Twiggy doesn’t think Anchal is a model and the judges agree CariDee is the best, hands down. Altoosa thinks Jaeda needs too much pushing. Twiggy becomes unintentionally hilarious when she wonders aloud if Jaeda is too masculine because of her abs, and the others gently tell her that the ab lines were painted on.

I think it’s pretty evident which way the judges are leaning today. The girls are brought back to hear the verdict. CariDee, Eugena, A.J., Melrose, Michelle, Anchal, Amanda and Brooke are all safe. That leaves Jaeda and Megg. They step forward. The judges think both have potential. Megg has magic but it doesn’t show in her photos; Jaeda has allowed her insecurities over her hairstyle to color her modeling. Tyra pulls out the remaining photo and it’s…Jaeda. Megg cries again. She thanks everyone. Privately she says she’ll miss everyone – but don’t worry about her! She and a friend are going to start a two- person band and travel the country playing music and modeling. I don’t have anything to say about that; it sounds like a child’s dream, but then ANTM is going to make someone’s dream come true, so you never know.

Next week: Michelle tells her housemates she may be gay, and Janice Dickinson is back. From the grave, judging by the stiffness of her face. The lovely Snowy will be back for your recapping pleasure, and I’m undeniably hooked so I’ll be watching too. See you then!