(Registered members may comment here)

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Welcome back for another episode of The Biggest Loser! It’s only the third episode, but it seems like we’ve been at this for months. The contestants have lost hundreds of pounds, but only one team is really bonding. Really though, who can blame the Red Team? If Heather was on my team the only thing I’d want to bond is her lips together.

Tonight’s show opens with Running Bob arriving at the ranch the morning after the elimination ceremony. He is wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. I am happy.

While Bob is learning about Tiffany’s ouster, Kim is meeting with the Red Team out on the lawn. Both trainers reveal the location of the next challenge: they’re going on a cruise! Everyone flashes on visions of mile-long buffets and deck chairs, but I’m sure they won’t see much of either. This is a “working out vacation,” if you will. Luckily, tonight’s episode is only an hour, so we won’t have to sit through 20 minutes of them bailing water or something equally tedious

Work-out at Sea
The location of this week’s challenge is the Sapphire Princess. The teams all board the ship and Bob croons the Love Boat theme and I get all giddy like a moron. He’s cute. Bob tells us that he’s going to teach his team that being on vacation doesn’t mean being on vacation from exercise and diet. Kim is worried about the emotional battle her team may face over where to eat and how to exercise. Looks like they’ll have a big challenge on their hands: Pam says she could smell the food as soon as they got on board.

Caroline welcomes them to ship and gets in a plug for the Princess Cruise lines. She tells the teams that there are lots of opportunities to work out even though they aren’t at ranch. Marty imagines Bob throwing them all overboard and making them swim after the ship. Well, it’s not quite that drastic. Bob runs the Blue Team through a one-minute circuit workout, while Kim has the Red Team doing laps in the pool. Heather says she didn’t realize you could work out in a pool. Well yes, when all you do is sit in an inflatable lounge chair in the pool, you don’t get much of a workout. Nitwit. Brian is happy that the Blue Team workout isn’t putting much pressure on his knee. He wants to prove that he can still lose weight with a bum knee.

With the workout over (for the moment), the teams are off to find a buffet. Bob tells them that they can still eat at a buffet – they just have to stick to the items that are boiled, broiled, grilled. Hell, that’s no fun. Bob recommends reconnoitering the buffet before getting started. That way, you can get an idea of what is available and you can plan your plate better. Pam is clearly clueless about what to eat. Everyone else has filled their plates and are sitting down eating while Pam wanders around the buffet with an empty plate. Bob tells his team how proud he is of them for making good choices at the buffet.

Biggest Loser at Home Update
It’s time for another home visit with one of the 36 contestants who are toiling away at home. This week, we catch up with Erin from Rhode Island. You remember Erin: her super-sensitive husband informed her that she had let herself go and he wasn’t attracted to her anymore. When Erin began the program she weighed 242 pounds. She’s now down to 189 pounds. She claims that it took a lot of courage for her husband to tell her what he did, but she’s happy he did. I find it hard to believe that everything was so warm and fuzzy right after his little announcement. I’m sure he was banished to the couch for at least a few nights. Erin’s video finishes up with a slo-mo shot of her running on the beach. Baywatch it is not. Will we see her return to the ranch? We’ll have to wait and see.

The Part Where I Throw Things at My TV
It’s challenge time! The teams meet Caroline up on deck where there are platters set out with maps on them. Caroline informs them that the challenge will involve delivering food to passengers in a sort of relay race/food delivery thing. The passengers must sign for the meal and the team member must make it back to the starting line before the next member can leave to deliver their meal. The prize is priceless and it’s a secret for now: they will be delivering food to family members they haven’t seen them in over a month. The winners will be able to spend quality time with their loved ones. Since Brian is injured, he will sit out the challenge. To make the teams even, Kai will be on the sidelines as well.

The race starts with Marty and Wylie who deliver to their wife and best friend, respectively. The next racers are Nelson and Bobby. Nelson quickly finds his wife but Bobby is lost. In the meantime, Nelson returns and Heather leaves. Bobby has finally found his wife and returned to hand off to Amy. This is the portion of the program where I struggle with the mute button. Heather is lost on the ship and cannot find her “passenger” (her husband). She proceeds to run around screeching “I need a signature!” over and over. She then yells “I am pissed!” Finally, she finds her husband (aka “The Luckiest Man on Earth”) waiting in an outdoor area. He signs for the meal and she runs off. As she goes to walk through a doorway, she yells at some innocent bystanders, “Get out of my way! This is an emergency!”

While Heather is terrorizing the entire population of the ship, Melinda heads off to find her husband. Eventually Heather returns and Pam runs to make the final delivery for the Red Team. Erik is the final member of the Blue Team. Pam quickly finds her husband, he signs the slip and she runs back to the finish line. Erik manages to find his wife, but he wastes time hugging her while Pam is approaching the finish. Of course, the Red Team wins this challenge and they celebrate by pouring water on each other.

The Blue Team consoles each other and Bobby apologizes for taking so long on his leg of the race. The Red Team learns that they will be able to spend the evening with their family members. I’m sure Heather’s husband is stoked. The Blue Team cries over their loss as Caroline breaks the bad news: they will have only a few moments to say goodbye to their loved ones. Brian talks about the difficult fertility treatments they went through and how much weight he lost during that time. They have six kids, so problem solved. We also see a picture from ten years ago when Brian weighed 180 pounds. Wowza.

While the Red Team goes to meet their loved ones, the Blue Team stews on the deck. Here comes Bob for more bad news. His method of consolation? Another workout! What better way to get out your frustrations than to exhaust yourself? The Red Team parties, dousing Kim with champagne and toasting their big win.

The cruise is over and the teams return to the ranch for a last minute workout. Let’s see if it made any difference.

Number Crunching
For tonight’s weigh-in, Caroline is sporting an outfit that looks like it came out of the bargain bin at TJ Maxx…the one way in the back. There’s a bizarre pink, glittery tunic number over black pants. It’s a full-scale fashion emergency. Seriously, the Fashion Police wouldn’t just ticket her – they’d take her in to the station. Alright, enough about Caroline’s tragic wardrobe, let’s get on with the weigh-in!

Blue Team
Brian: 270 (7 lbs/38 lbs total)
Amy: 227 (9 lbs/33 lbs total)
Bobby: 282 (9 lbs/39 lbs total)
Marty: 322 (7 lbs/43 lbs total)
Erik: 364 (11 lbs/43 lbs total)
Melinda: 211 (10 lbs/25 lbs total)

Blue Team totals: pounds lost: 53 / percentage of weight lost: 3.07%

Red Team
Caroline informs the Red Team that they must lose more than 50 pounds to beat the Blue Team this week.

Pam: 226 (5 lbs/21 lbs total)
Wylie: 269 (6 lbs/38 lbs total)
Heather: 201 (5 lbs/22 lbs total)
Kai: 233 (5 lbs/29 lbs total)
Nelson: 365 (5 lbs/39 lbs total)
Ken: 317 (3 lbs/41 lbs total)

Red Team totals: pounds lost: 29 / percentage of weight lost: 1.77%

The Blue Team wins it! Heather is biggest loser on the Red Team, so she can’t be eliminated. Not that Heather’s all that happy about the honor of immunity: she likens it to getting a “D” when everyone else gets an “F.” I’m just sad that she’ll be around to screech it up on my TV for at least one more episode.

Sudden Death Elimination!
The next morning, the Red Team is still stewing over having lost the weigh-in. Pam is sure that, if there is a tie at the elimination ceremony, the Blue Team will get rid of her. I’m not sure what she’s basing this on, but it sounds like Pam doesn’t have much of a grasp on reality. The Red Team girls talk strategy and decide that they will try to get one of the guys out. They decide on voting Wylie out and make an attempt at bring Ken over to the Dark Side their side. Wylie and Nelson are talking strategy as well and they agree to vote one of the girls off. You know, it just doesn’t matter how old we get: we all revert to the junior high school dance, with boys on one side and girls on the other.

Caroline greets the Red Team as they file into the elimination room. Again, the wardrobe is alarming: a brown, velvet jacket with a green scarf tied around her neck like a dog collar. Good Lord. Heather is already weepy and I don’t think it’s just about Caroline’s outfit.

Heather reveals that she is voting to send a friend home because she wants to win: she votes for Wylie. Wylie isn’t surprised: he knew the girls wanted to win.
Pam admits that Wylie is right: they do want a girl to win. She votes for Wylie as well.
Kai says that the person she is voting for a person she considers a friend and apologizes if her vote tonight makes it seem like he is not: Wylie gets a third vote.
Wylie based his decision on the amount of weight lost. He votes for Pam as a huge crocodile tear rolls down his cheek.
Nelson thought he was friends with all girls, but now he’s aware of their strategy. He votes for Pam.
Ken says that this was a really hard decision. He doesn’t want to have to vote, but it’s a part of the game. Wylie is sure he’s gone. The girls shoot daggers at Ken as he reveals that his vote is for Pam. We have a tie!

In cases of a tie during the elimination ceremony, the decision falls to the winning team. The Blue Team files into the elimination room to lower the boom. Erik admits that it was an easy decision: they chose the biggest threat on the Red Team – Nelson. The Red Team looks shocked, but Nelson says that he would have done the same thing. He tells the Red Team to keep a little piece of him with them and that he’ll be okay. Everyone boo-hoos and Kai descends once again into the ugly cry. Yeesh. He’s not dying – he’s just going home.

In Nelson’s follow-up video, he tells us that he has taken so much more from this experience that just money (which is probably good since he didn’t get any, right?). Nelson is very proud of what he accomplished at the ranch and, even though he didn’t make it to the end, he doesn’t at all feel like a failure. He promises that the thin Nelson is coming. Since the show, Nelson has lost a total of 52 pounds and is now weighing in at 352.5 pounds and feels great both mentally and physically.

Next week: It’s time for a major meltdown for everyone – teams and trainers, alike. Plus, there’s a challenge with a never-ending escalator climb with a $10,000 prize. The teams have already lost nearly 500 pounds, but there’s more dramatic weight loss to come.