Just Forting Around
Survivor: Cook Islands: Standing in the Shadows, Episode 2
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Welcome to another edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Survivor: Cook Islands! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
I love my tribe! Well, other than that kooky Cao Boi, everyone is so nice. Especially Yul. Yul is so nice. He's like my big brother. A big brother that is tall, rugged, handsome, strong, handsome, manly and... did I say handsome? *ahem* I always wanted a big brother like that. And now I found him! I feel so safe and secure now that we've bonded over our shared culture and formed a little Korean alliance. I don't know exactly what it is, but I feel like he and I are going to go all the way together! Oh wait, I didn't mean all the way all the way! Gosh, my parents are watching this show! Although, they probably would approve... Whatever, he's my big brother (as long as this game is being played) and we're in it together. We're gonna win! We're winners! And as long as I don't get a headache with that crazy forehead-pincher just standing by waiting to "help" - I'm sitting pretty. Me and my big brother. *sigh*
I wonder if Cao Boi has ever considered that he might be the cause of all our headaches, and since he’s been getting on everyone’s nerves, I can’t rely on him to back me up in this game anymore. But I’m not worried -- I’ve always got my schmoozing techniques with the lay-days to fall back on. Becky has certainly responded as predicted, and she’s fallen hard for my chicken-catching skillz, if you know what I mean. Woot! But that’s not all she’s admiring…I’ve caught her admiring my biceps, abs, and fine-lookin’ ass, too. The women appreciate that I don’t tell ethnic jokes either, and I’m positive they’re pleased with my chiseled jaw line. The absolute worst part about being sent to Exile Island was not having anyone around to marvel at my beautiful face, but I was able to peer into some calm waters yesterday, and lucky for me, I got a good look at my manly reflection. *puts hands on hips, Superman style* That gave me all the inspiration and confidence I needed to find the hidden idol, so now I’ve not only got a prize in the front of my shorts, but I’ve also got one in my back pocket. Yowza! Immediately after finding the idol, I situated myself on the top of a wrecked boat on the island, and struck a fierce pose for the camera that even Tyra would love.
I may need Adam to keep me warm and to feel secure at night, but he obviously needs me too. I know I’m cute to look at, and that guys like my lady lumps, but I can also read people really well, and Adam needs me to help keep that target off his back. He’s been a little snippy lately, so not only am I whispering sweet nothings in his ear at night, but when he starts arguing with Jonathan during the day, I’m also whispering things like, “shut the hell up, Dumbass.” I’m the perfect Life Coach for Adam, because I watched a lot of Dr. Phil when I was between pre-med classes, and not only am I razor-sharp in my perception of men, but I know how to encourage them when they’re feeling down. Guys used to perceive my empathy as a come-on, but over the years, I’ve perfected my style, and now I know how not to lead them on. Hey, why is Billy looking at me like that, and what in the hell did he just say?
What did they call the Asian man who had three dogs? Chef! Ahahaha! Just kidding, we don't eat dogs, and nobody send me any letters about the fact that my dog Charlie Woof is missing an ear, okay? Taste just like chicken! Ahahaha! Kidding, kidding! The young whippersnappers in Puka have no sense of humor. If they'd remove the sticks from their posteriors, they'd probably get rid of their headaches without me rubbing all over them. But instead, I do my magic, and leave the mark of the Cao Boi on them. Little do they know I steal a bit of their soul each time I do this! I can not get over the fact that they are not funny people. Yul especially seemed mad when I told a joke about Asian men having a small penis. Guess it hit too close to home for him, ahahaha! I'm laughing all the way to the million dollars, baby!
Just a reminder, I am still not the leader of my tribe. My first move as not leader was to perform a coup of the “self-nominated” leader Billy. He was being so lazy and never working around camp. He was yelling orders while lounging and he didn’t know how to do anything
my way the right way. I'm glad I got the team to agree that we needed to throw the immunity competition to get rid of his sorry ass. See, I’m a little bit country and Billy, well he’s a little bit rock n’ roll. As much as those crazy Osmond’s like to think they do go together, they just don’t. After I convinced everyone to throw the competition it was time to still convince them that Billy needed to leave. Billy tried to get them to turn on me but I am their team leader non-leader and they would never get rid of me. All my team needs to do is look at how fluffy my hair is after 4 days out here to see that I am here to stay. I guarantee when I show up for final two I will have hair so fluffy, it will be used for a Pantene Pro V™ commercial.
I have decided that I will play the most secretive game around called “I disappear.” I think I did a good job of it recently, you could barely see me at all. Whenever our tribe was together I always try and hide behind Nate or Sundra. I also try to say nothing interesting or meaningful because that would just bring attention to myself. It was pretty hard at first but it got easier and easier the more I did it. Now, I am not even noticed by my tribe or the cameras. This is working out good because hopefully they will forget me, and I will make it to the end of this game. I can’t wait to see the look on everyone’s faces when I appear as part of the final two. They are all going to wonder where I came from…and who I am.
I had no idea it would be so tough on the island! Here I thought that we'd just make a little shelter, and spend the rest of our time sunning on the beach and eating coconuts. Like a vacation! But no - we're expected to do, like, actual work and stuff! *sigh* At least we have Adam on our tribe, he feels the same way I do about all this work stuff. Ew. Like, what's the point? Why waste all our energy on things like building a floor for the shelter when that energy could be used for 'other' things? *wink* I just have to keep Candice's paws off of Adam - and did you see the way she looked at poor Billy when I was trying to talk to him after the challenge? That's okay, this girl's gonna step up her game. Nobody can flaunt their assets like I can. Just wait and see.
I can't believe the guys wanted us to throw the challenge like that! But, what choice did we have? I mean, Christina and I felt bad for Billy, but not that bad. Not enough to keep him, anyway. I really think Billy had been in the sun too long, anyway, after his "love at first sight" speech at tribal. Loco en la cabeza! We even tried to help Billy out, to make him feel like a part of the group. But all he wanted to do was "conserve energy," which meant sleeping all the time! And snoring. Loudly! We couldn't even sleep at night, and this chica needs her beauty sleep - too many cute guys around! Yeah, they might be a bit arrogant, but at least they do the work around camp. I'm sure not about to climb any trees!
I don't get it, y'all. First, that writer fella comes sailin' in after bein' put out to Exile island as punishment, and the girls all cheer and call him papa bear. Then, they listen when he says "oh let's build a floor". A floor? What do we need a floor for? We got gravity already. Why spend time on all that, when the girls could be standing here, lookin' at me? I got my shirt off and all, y'all. That L.A. fella has all kind of scarves and stuff on, and a shirt and a floppy hat. Where I'm from, only women wear floppy hats. Anyway, I'm not helpin' them build that floor. I got some more posin' to do. I wanna get a J Crew catalog job outta this or maybe even GQ. And you never see their models lookin' sweaty, do ya? Naw. And just 'tween you an' me, once that shelter's good an' warm, I also got no more excuse to snuggle up close to Candice. I'm sure that clever writer fella knows all that. Doggone that Jonathon for blockin' my cuddle puddle, man. If his stupid floppy hat goes missin', don't blame me.
I'm trying not to show it, but Island life is beginning to get to me. The cold, the wind - the lack of fashion options. I was stoked when Yul caught two chickens for our team today - he is so clever - but I miss just ordering the Chicken Marsala at The Abbey. I liked when our team ran the challenge - all of us navigating that taut rope while singing out "Left, Right, Left, Right" was kind of like line dancing at Club Rage. Oh, I miss L.A.! I even miss my dog Maxx. I wish I could have brought him to Cook Island - but Cao probably would have cooked him. Or at least, he jokes about it enough.
We totally won that challenge! It was clear we were on our mat before Puka was. Probst was all, "oh, Puka won. Oh, you both won." Whatever, dude. He must have had some bad weed or something. Well, he's going to have some bad karma, now. Nobody messes with Flika Flame! I bet that's what Candice was talking to Billy about. It's so nice to see other tribes backing us up, man. I'm going to need that kind of peace and harmony among other peoples. Clearly Adam is going to get his lazy ass booted eventually -- karma, again, can be counted upon to work her will upon even the less spiritual among us -- and there's no way I'm aligning with those Suzi Cheerleader types if I can help it.
I wanted to help Billy, I really did. But there was no working with the guy – I mean, he got winded picking up a leaf. And that thing about Candice? Puh-leeze. It’s perfectly obvious that whenever Candice looked over at our tribe, it was my pecs that she was checking out, not Billy’s man-boobs. The guy’s delusional. And Ozzy? I’m gonna let the little dude dig his own grave – is he kidding, trying to boss around a lady cop? It’s obvious she needs to be the dominant one in the relationship. Rrrrowwwwrrrr. But you know, I feel a little ambiguous whenever I glance over and check out that wild mane of Ozzy’s, and those big brown eyes. Only time will tell, I guess.
The Raro Tribe is a complete and utter mess. I went away to Exile Island for a few days, froze my butt off, had to sleep on the sand and was completely miserable. I couldn’t even find the hidden Immunity Idol to help ease the pain. Then, when I got back to the Tribe, I found these jokers sitting around doing nothing! And nothing is obviously what they did the entire time I was gone. Let me tell you something- I did not earn an Academy Award Nomination by kicking back on the beach while there was work to be done! And yeah, maybe I didn’t actually win the award, but it was an honor just to be nominated, and I worked hard for that honor, dammit! I just don’t know what to do with these kids. They didn’t work on building any kind of shelter while I was gone, and I don’t think they thought to try and build a fire. I know I’ve played dad characters on TV, but I really don’t want that role on the Raro Tribe. I hope we merge soon. Or at least find one of the chickens.
Oooh, I hope the last Tribal Council taught Nathan that he’d best defer to the ladies of Hiki if he wants to stay in the game! These last few days have been kind of chill for me- I’ve been hanging with my BFF Rebecca, and my sort of F Stephannie, and we’ve been having some good bonding time without Sekou around to bring us down. My girl Rebecca finally got the fire started, and I was excited to have a way to toast coconut. Tomorrow, we’ll have to work on catching some fish! Hiki worked well together during the challenge, and even though we didn’t get reward, we still got immunity, so Nathan gets to stay for a little while longer. I love my tribe, and I love girl power, and I’m so happy that I’m not on Aitu, because they really, really sucked at the challenge.
Cao Boi, Cao Boi, Cao Boi…tsk, tsk, tsk. Why do you have to be such a self-loathing member of the Asian tribe? I don’t like your stereotypical jokes…especially in this situation where we are supposed to be representing our ethnicity and trying to prove there is only one race on the planet Earth…the human race. We get it. We’ve heard them all before. Jokes that make fun of someone or something just aren’t funny. Oh, but that old world Vietnamese magic medicine is oh so good. I was working in the midday sun and instantly got a headache and Cao Boi, he fixed it with a flourish of his hands on my forehead and temples. He even gave me some kind of shiatsu massage…and boom, my headache—GONE!! He’s got magic hands. They even made a red slash mark appear where before there was none! Well, I guess I could have done without that, and the Asian jokes, and the constant talking…but other than that, yeah, that Cao Boi is alright. Now I’m just going to hide behind his larger than life personality and avoid detection. Asian stealth powers…activate!
*Snnnrrrrrk* *SNNrrrrrrrrkkkkk* Huh? Wha? Did someone ask me to do something? Sorry, I was sleeping and dreaming of rocking with Ozzy Osbourne again. Man, I wish our Ozzy had the last name of Osbourne and had the other Sabbath members here on the island with him. Now that’s a crazy train I could ride. Metal is my culture…not Hispanic. But noooooo. Instead, I get teamed up with a little Mowgli wannabe who can spear fish, climb trees to retrieve coconuts, and create fancy chicken traps. Not that I mind eating the fish he catches, the chicken he traps, or the coconuts he snags, but hell if I’m gonna waste my energy helping to provide around camp when Mowgli can do it so efficiently. What kind of chicken tastes best? The kind that I didn’t have to work for, that’s what kind. If Ozzy doesn’t like it, well, he can just shut it or I’ll rock him metal style. I know he doesn’t like me…he thinks he’s all big by putting everyone else’s ideas down. I shoulda known though. I shoulda known the second J.P. chose to not compete in today’s reward/immunity challenge. Look at me…I’m a chunky rock star wannabe. Now look at J.P….the guy’s a lithe, fit volleyball player. There’s only one reason he could’ve wanted to sit out…because my tribe was throwing the challenge so they could vote me out. I should’ve known. Well, at least I have true love to fall back on. Yeah, that’s right. True love at first sight. *Sigh* When I saw Candace from across challenge beach, and then she told me she loved me when I mentioned that I’d be going home, well, my heart was rocked harder than a headbanger in the front row at a Metallica show. I’m going to loser lodge with an achin’ in my heart. But at least I was ousted by someone named “Ozzy”. It just fits.
I feel like a cheerleader today…so, rah-rah for us. Come on baby light our fire! Let me tell you, there’s nothing like a swig of hot boiled water to quench your thirst. Yeah, I’d rather have some chilled Arbor Mist but I’m just happy to have something. The good thing is that no one from Hiki is going home. If we’re going to make it to the merge with the four of us still intact, we have got to pick up the pace. Nate has been all up on my grill. I don’t know if he has the hots for me or if this is his way of forming an alliance. I must bashfully admit that I like the attention. I’m missing my hubby already, and he always knew how to cheer me up. *giggles*
Women. Meh. Just because Rebecca got lucky and got the fire started, I’m left hanging in the wind. Don’t they see my huge biceps? They are registered as lethal weapons in nine states. Or my dreads? Like spun silk. My pearly whites? Hypnotizing. My eyes? Pure as the driven snow. See, I have so much offer to this tribe. Building fire and making shelter? Children’s work. That’s why I’m leaving that up to the ladies. They’ll need me, The Seducer, to handle the big stuff. Like getting all the honey’s up on my jock when we merge. See, I’m good for something.
I may have to rethink this whole detective thing. I wanted to stay undercover, really I did, but I just couldn’t keep my inner Dr. Phil to myself anymore. Besides, it was too tempting to tell a new audience about the bullet I wear around my neck and how I almost lost my arm in the line of duty. All the guys at the station house other than the rookies seem to suddenly have something urgent to do when I start to talk about it
for the thousandth time in the locker room. I think I may have intimidated those juvenile delinquents Oscar and J.P. with my tales of heroism. At least Cecilia seems to look up to me. I am so ashamed that my tribe threw that challenge just to get rid of Billy. He wasn’t doing us any harm and there is strength in numbers. Besides, I won’t even let my nieces and nephews beat me at a game of Candyland. It’s in my nature to try to be the best at everything; even chicken catching. That’s why I was going to vote out that cocky, untrustworthy, know-it-all Oscar until Billy proved to be not only fat and lazy but also highly delusional. If he’d told me his love at first sight story when I was on the job, I would have arrested him for sitting while intoxicated. That poor boy must be severely dehydrated. I’m going to keep my eye on Oscar and take the first opportunity to vote him off of my island.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: mrdobolina, Brandy, Mariner, Yardgnome, AJane, waywyrd, Lucy, SueEllenMishke, speedbump, suncat7 and roseskid.
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