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Well, one thing is for sure after tonight’s finale of Rock Star. I’m shelving my Radiohead, Nirvana and Tracy Bonham albums in a time locked vault set to open next summer. For the time being though, I’m nestled comfortably in my swinging bamboo papa san waiting for the corporate gluttony disguised as rocking out against the establishment to begin.

Did you know that last night’s performance was epic? Oh and if you haven’t heard, Dave and his band will be touring with Supernova in January. That should be considered a vacation coming off his killer NikeHondaMountainDew extreme mall tour.

Going Out With A Bang
So here is how tonight will work. The bottom two vote getters from last night’s show will perform. Supernova will then hatchet one of those singers and voila! You have the bottom three. Magni, Toby and Lukas found themselves in the bottom two at some point last night. Dilana gives the obligatory look of shock that she is safe. Good acting, I might add.

Magni is the first to find out he is in the bottom three. When the audience boos, he hush’s the crowd. I’m guessing Magni is realizing how this works. You claw your way to the finals, get the hatchet and then rocket yourself to a comfy solo career.

Magni goes gusto with Fire by Jimi Hendrix and by the time I’m done typing this sentence, it’s over. No seriously. It’s that short. If it’s any consolation, and to give you die hard Magnaddicts some fluff, he really did rock it and played the guitar like it was on fire. I wouldn’t say he looked dreamy but he had a few girls from the CBS marketing team in the front row fanning themselves.

With a surprising gasp, Toby is the second person to be in the final two. It seems that the Tobster is prepared to go out with the same bang as Magni. He injects some good riffs and screams into Billy Idol’s White Wedding, even getting the crowd involved. I’m impressed that he remembered to curl his upper lip but sad that no panties were thrown on stage. I thought he was pretty decent.

Well…There Goes The Talent
We’re moving fast tonight, folks. It’s only fourteen minutes into the show and Gilby is all set to deliver the first elimination. There’s no suspense in waffling between Magni and Toby. Gilby tells Magni that he’s not so sure if Magni is fronting the band as much as he is being part of the band. I would think Supernova would want the latter as to not deter from the inflated egos of Jason, Gilby and Tommy. But I am wrong and Magni is the first to go in tonight’s finale.

Magni handles his departure with grace. He throws all the love to the house band, Supernova, the fans, his tax attorney, yada yada yada. Now go scurry home, you little Nordic pimp and show ‘em who’s the boss.

I’m So Great, Supernova. Pick Me! Pick Me!
Remember when you had to sell yourself to the manager of the Waffle House for that job during summer break? It doesn’t just end there, kiddos. Even rock stars have to suck up to somebody.

The final three have one last chance to say why they would be great as the lead for Supernova. The first up is Lukas. We’re treated to a clip of Creep (my favorite performance of the whole season) and Lukas confides that he didn’t come here to finish second or third place. He initially thought the boys of Supernova would be mean, cocky and arrogant but after being here all season he would be honored to lead them in a world tour.

With the soothing music of Time After Time playing, Dilana tells us that “I need them and they need me.” She also throws some praise to Lukas and Toby and she wants to rock the world with Supernova. And while Lukas and Toby are amazing, she is the one.

Toby’s come a long way since the beginning. From megaphone gimmick to his EVS gimmick, he has kept his eyes on the prize. He knows the energy he could bring to the stage with the band would be inches better than what he is putting out as a contestant. “Plus“, in his own words “I’m the tallest.”

The only thing left is to put the microphone where the lips are and have a sing off. Are your spirit fingers ready?

It’s Not So Bittersweet After All
Lukas draws the shortest straw and is first up to sing. With the synthesized keyboard and the drumstick twirling, Lukas dives into a eerie cover of Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. He decked out in his usual mile high hair, black trench coat and two sizes too big sunglasses. He utilizes his trademark low scream to perfection and surprisingly has only turned his back to the crowd a few dozen times. He has come a long way.

A Zombie She is Not
The good news is Dilana’s supple yet toned calf muscle looks to be healed up. The bad news is…well, there is no bad news. She kicks the snot out of Zombie by The Cranberries. She really is a mystery. I want to dislike her so much but her voice is so hypnotizing. Or is it the colorful prism in her hair? Either way, she owned that stage with mucho confidence.

Wash, Rinse and Repeat. Then Discard
In case you haven’t heard one of the three hundred covers of Somebody Told Me by The Killers, Toby wants to make sure you remember his. I gotta admit, Toby really rocks. He entertains the house band, the crowd and the fans at home. And Supernova? We’ll see after the commercial break.

Jason Newsted is the one to deliver the next person going home. After a few minutes of pumping up Toby, saying things such as his vocal range is the only one to cut through the loudest guitar, Jason matter of factly tells Toby that he’s not going any further. The crowd boos the loudest I’ve heard. Toby heaps mountains of praise on Lukas and Dilana and thanks the band.

As Dave says, that leaves “the edgy ones”. With Brooke in her leather, Lukas in his black and Dilana all rainbowed out, Dave says it looks like they’re about to perform at a goth wedding. Yuk yuk.

Welcome To Our Cookie Cutter Rock Band. Enjoy Your Fifteen Minutes While It Lasts
I’m actually surprised that Lukas and Dilana don’t have to perform a song with Supernova before the winner is announced. Although, unless you’ve been sleeping in a cave for the last two months, we pretty much know who the winner is going to be anyways. But for purposes of continuity, I’ll drag this out as much as possible.

Tommy is up this time to give the praise before canning one of the remaining two.

Lukas: His look, energy and vocals have been amazing for the band.

Dilana: Her voice is enchanting. Tommy asks “Who doesn’t love you?”

Then Tommy asks the audience who they think should be the front person. The crowd goes nuts screaming “Nobody! Nobody!” Obviously I’m kidding but wouldn’t it be hilarious if they chanted “Zayra! Zayra!” instead?

With great fanfare, Tommy exclaims “Lukas,” *long pause* “you’re our boy. Welcome.”

So that’s that. And what about Dilana? Dave wants Dilana to come and play on tour with the house band. But wait, it gets better! Gilby offers his services to her and says he will help record and write an album with her. Dave, not to be left out, wants to play on that album as well.

The gig is up for Dilana. You may remove the ornaments from your lip, return your hair to its original color and drive your Honda Element to the Gap and buy that sassy plaid skirt you’ve had your eye on.

So Here’s Your Hey, Hey, Hey! Yo!
Be Yourself is kind of catchy. I was tapping my foot as Lukas owned the stage as the original stars of the band faded back into obscurity. Good luck Lukas. We’ll see you primping for the CBS cameras on New Years Eve.

One last final thought. If there should be a Rock Star part three, I think it should be the House Band that auditions for a lead. After two season’s, this band is the only entity that has received unanimous praise.

Or…we could hope for the Go-Go’s. You choose.

Thank you to everyone who laughed and giggled their way through this wacky season of Rock Star: Supernova. A heartfelt praise to Mantenna, Totoro, MotherSister and Ajane for bringing the recaps to life and leaving us giddy in our seats.