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Here we are, Big Brother fans - the All-Stars finale show. Some of you may be sad that it’s over, and some of you may be happy. Either way, this is likely the last time you’ll see most of these people. Which, after this mess of a season, is probably a good thing. At least they take pity on us and keep the finale to one hour instead of dragging it out. Still, what would a finale show be without at least a few minutes of useless filler? Julie, resplendent in her shiny silver top (which looks like a reject from the old Star Trek wardrobe) obliges us with a recap of the summer’s events: the season six alliance versus Chilltown, the incredibly weird competitions, the fights, meltdowns, ass-kissing, showmances, homances, and the eventual ouster of everyone but our final two: Erika, the underfed Pilates instructor, and Mike Boogie, restauranteur/wannabe rapper. From what I’ve read, these two weren’t exactly tops on most people’s lists for the final two, but that’s all we’ve got to work with. It’s not going to be pretty, folks.

Let The Bitchfest Begin
We start out at the jury house, as the sequestered houseguests try to guess who the next juror will be. Marcellas says he doesn’t want to see Janelle walk through that door, and both Will and Danielle tell him “That’s who you’re going to see!” Chicken George thinks it’ll be Boogie, as does Howie. They turn to see....Janelle! She makes a big entrance in her fire-engine red dress and tiara as Marcellas hollers “No!!” She hugs everyone and takes a seat to explain how she got evicted: after losing the second part of the final competition, Boogie and Erika struck a deal to get rid of her. “Erika is a backstabbing b-i-t-c-h,” says Janelle. “Ya think? I warned you!” snarks Dani. Janie hopes that Erika won’t win, trashing her “ultimate floater” strategy. Everyone discusses what, if any, difference there was between Boogie’s and Erika’s strategy. Dani asks why it’s okay for a man to play dirty, but if a woman does it, she’s a bitch. Good question! Will backs up Boogie’s game (as expected), but says that while Erika played a good game too, she just disgusts him for some reason. Marci tells them that he’s not happy with the way the guys played the women - they shouldn’t have used the promise of a relationship to further themselves in the game. Janelle disagrees, saying that it is a game, and they should recognize how well Chilltown played them all. Howie pipes up, saying Erika should win. Janelle vehemently disagrees. Dani ends it by saying “don’t make this personal” in the way they vote.

Lie, Lie, Lie, Deny, Deny, Deny
It’s time for one of the best parts of a Big Brother finale: the jury gets to ask their questions of the final two. Marcellas is first: strategically, what was your best move? Erika says it was convincing Janelle to vote out Will (Janie rolls her eyes at this) while Boogie thinks it was keeping Janelle in the house as long as he could. George is next, and he makes a funny before asking his question. “Congratulations to you two on finding the love of your lives!” he says. The jury members roll with laughter as George asks Boogie if he’s going to propose to Erika like he did to Krista on season two. Boogie says he will not, and makes a comment about keeping his bromance with Will alive. Get a room, you two. George goes on to ask Erika why she kept whispering in his ear that he was safe, then voted him out of the game. She tries to explain how she had to keep Boogie in the game over him (George). He doesn’t look pleased with her answer. Will interrupts with one of his “phone calls” to Boogie, then Janelle drops a bomb on Erika: “Was kissing butt and throwing competitions part of your strategy?” Erika denies that she threw comps, and insists that she would have taken Janie to the final two. I have to add that Boogie keeps making faces as Erika speaks, like he can’t believe anything she’s saying. I can’t either, but still.

James is next, and asks Erika how she could talk trash about Alison’s strategy (flirting and hooking up) but then play the exact same way. Erika explains that she didn’t plan on playing like that, but she really liked Boogie and didn’t have anyone else in the house to ally with. Dani asks Erika if it was her decision or Chilltown’s to get rid of her (Dani). Erika claims that it was her idea, as Will shakes his head. I guess Erika takes credit for inventing the Internet, too. And sliced bread. Danielle goes to Boogie next, saying that he told her he was going to be her “Jason” this season - what happened? Boogie refuses to apologize for backstabbing her, saying that she had a house full of “Jasons.” Dani smiles and says “good.” Hurricane Howie is next, asking Boogie what happened to “Bros before hos” - didn’t Boogie think it would cost him a vote in the jury house by voting Howie out like that? Boogie explains that he had to get rid of him because he was flying under the radar, and he was afraid that the entertaining Howie would never get nominated.

Erika makes her final plea, explaining that she came in wanting to go after the “puppetmaster” Will but couldn’t because of his many puppets. She then decided that she needed to get to final four and vote Will out, saying that she got his best friend Boogie to put Will up and his best girl Janelle to vote him out. “Would you rather give the prize to the guy who did all his dirty work (Boogie), or the person who took him out?”

Boogie tells the jury that they were all members of Chilltown, and as soon as they figured out they were being lied to, they got voted out. Chilltown was smart enough to keep each one of them in the positions they wanted them in until they were no longer needed. He says that he respects every one of them: Marcellas motivated him, Howie entertained him, Janelle and James challenged him, Dani and George inspired him, and Will did all of the above. “Please, vote like All-Stars and reward my gameplay.”

A Twist of the Knife
The jury enters the studio to cheers from the crowd, and prepares to cast their votes. Julie explains the voting process for the millionth time. Marcellas steps up to cast his vote by putting his key of choice in the block, followed by Howie, who makes a nasty statement to Erika - “I think America hates you!” The others finish placing their keys in the slots (George has trouble, having never done it before!) and Julie introduces the other All-Stars that didn’t make it to the jury: Kaysar, Alison, Jase, Diane, and Nakomis. Thankfully, Kaysar’s hair has grown back a bit. Julie looks to start some trouble (this is sooo scripted), asking Kaysar what he would like to reveal to the jury that they may not know. He tells Janelle that there was someone who came into the house with a chip on his shoulder: James. To back him up, Julie plays some clips of James trashing Janie, calling her a “fat piece of s***” and other choice statements. Janelle looks peeved for a moment as James squirms, but she replies that he’s a whiner, so she’s not surprised. James says he already apologized for what he said, and tries to worm his way out of it by saying it was all part of the game.

Julie goes to Jase next, and he does a spoof of Chilltown’s phone skit, admitting that he and Diane were in fact the Mr. and Mrs. Smith alliance. He gives props to Will for playing a great game, and that takes us to yet another montage of Chilltown’s silly phone gags. The crowd goes wild, and the jury members (who haven’t seen any of this before) laugh and shake their heads. Julie then asks Diane if she thinks the most deserving two made it to the end, and she scrunches up her face, saying “Boogie, maybe. Erika, no.” On a side note, the person that hacked Diane’s hair up like that needs to be banned from scissors for life. Terrible. Nakomis says that her picks would have been Janelle and Will. The crowd claps wildly. Not many people seem to care for the final two, that’s for sure. Julie goes to Alison for the final “revelation,” and what a doozy it is: Alison wants to tell Erika how she was played all summer long. The audience goes “ooooo” as Alison tells Erika to spend her prize money on some dignity, and congratulates Boogie on playing Erika all this time. Not content with just hurting Erika’s feelings, Julie reaches for the knife and shows some clips of Boogie trashing Erika in the house while Alison smirks. You know she’s enjoying this. The clip starts out with Erika and Boogie making out, but then we see Boogie call her a “ho” and say how he just “used her up” for what he needed. “That’s all she was good for!” he says. Boogie squirms uncomfortably in his seat while Erika fights to remain composed. She claims that they both played each other, but the hurt is almost palpable. I’m no fan of either of these two, but I saw no need to stomp on someone’s heart like that on national tv. It was just hateful. Boogie tries to explain his actions away, but it’s not very believable.

Time to reveal the votes, and Julie goofily hovers over the box to hide the keys as she draws them out. Why, I don’t know. The votes ended up being:

Marcellas - Erika
Howie - Mike
Danielle - Mike
George - Mike
Will - Mike
Janelle - Mike
James - Mike

By a vote of 6 to 1, Boogie wins Big Brother All-Stars. He completely ignores Erika and heads for the door to the studio, where Will is waiting to greet him like a long-lost lover. As soon as the door is unlocked, he rushes out to hug Will, and the door slams in Erika’s face. She eventually makes it out, but I think Julie is the only one who noticed. Boogie celebrates, never congratulating or even speaking to Erika, the others hug, and Julie looks lost. When we return from a commercial break, Julie announces the winner of the America’s Choice $25,000 prize: it’s Janelle! Anyone who’s surprised, raise your hand. Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Well, that’s it for this season of Big Brother. I can’t say that I’m upset it’s over, as I never cared for the All-Stars format in the first place. Too many over-inflated egos. And pre-formed alliances. Never mind the ugliness that ensued in the finale, with the outing of Boogie’s nastiness towards Erika. I mean, come on. She would have found out everything after the finale. I wish them all well, but this show just left a bad taste in my mouth. I look forward to a new season of Big Brother next summer, filled with people I don’t know - hope to see you all then!

Don’t forget to pay your taxes, Boogie...waywyrd@fansofrealitytv.com