Rockstar: Supernova 9/12 - The Blah-volution Will Be Televised

[totoro]

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You know, it’s not easy writing a recap. Sometimes I wish I could just download my thoughts while watching a show and then edit from there. Had I been able to do that tonight however, this is what the first draft might have looked like:

BEGIN TRANSMISSION\\\
………………. Brooke is wearing black – again ……………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………….. *sigh* they are recapping the WHOLE season ……………………………………………………………… Ryan is soooo lucky ……….……………………………………………………. oh-OH-oh-OH-OH-OH! ……………. Oooh sparkly eyes! ………………………………………………………………. OMG is that Paula Abdul making googly eyes at Lukas?!?! …………………………………….. Heh. Dilana totally made those boys her bitches ……………………………………………………………… uh-oh, that was the only criticism tonight – not a good sign …………
///END TRANSMISSION

Not much to work with, is it?

Second Draft
‘Twas the night before Supernova

No.

Third Draft
Rockstar: Haiku

Who did you vote for?
Dilana had to eat crow
Ryan won a car

Girls lift their hands up
EVS scrawled on their sweaty palms
Why is he so blah?

Silver eyeshadow
Can not begin to “Fix You”
Stop singing that song!

Pulled a calf muscle
Must be better by now, right?
What’s up with the cane?

Liquid hot magma
Eventually has to cool
And tonight it did

No. No, no, no!

Final Draft
Oh what a summer it has been! I thought I had you all scared into complete submission at the beginning of this season of Rockstar, what with my tattoos and thinly veiled threats of violence. But that façade has slipped away, right along with any hope that my favorites will win any of the summer reality shows. If you haven’t heard already, a total schmuck won Big Brother tonight, and after the loss of Ryan and Storm, it looks like this show is going down the same poopchute.

We’re down to the final four: Magni, Toby, Lukas and THE LAST WOMAN STANDING: Dilana. I emphasized that because, well, it was emphasized a lot on the show tonight. I just hope it’s a harbinger of her demise, because if there’s anyone (other than Lukas, Magni or Toby) that I don’t want to win this thing, it’s Dilana. Yeah, I’m loving this show! Rawr!

Unlike the actual show, which was laden with recaps of every twist, turn and tumble of the final four rockers, I’m just gonna get down to business. Brooke explains how the rest of the game is going to play out: the rockers will each perform two songs tonight (one cover and their now-familiar original,) the world will vote, and then the bottom two will stand before Supernova tomorrow night. One of them will go home. Then, the remaining three will perform again and the winner will be chosen. In other words, all of the action is going down tomorrow night. Tonight, we just get to hear a bunch of songs we’ve already heard three or four times.

Supernova, You Screwed the Pooch On This One
The first order of business is revealing the winner of the popular vote for an encore. Not surprisingly, Ryan Starr is revealed (by Dilana!) to be the winner, and he reprises his popular original song “Back In My Car.” And then he WINS a car. Yup, a spiffy new Honda CRV with all kinds of doodads and heated seats. Plus a new Chocolate phone from Cingular. PLUS, he reveals that his new album (entitled “Dark Horse”) is already available on the Rockstar web page. Enough product placement for you?

Really, This EVS Thing Is Getting Old
Toby is up first, and starts his set with “Karma Police” by Radiohead. I’m not super familiar with that song, but I recognized it by the time he got to the chorus. Kind of. It was just off a little bit. Gilby agrees with me (like any man in their right mind would) and says that Toby lost it a bit in the beginning. Tommy Lee offers a subdued “nice job.” As he segues into his second song, Toby calls up Magni and his guitar to join in on the fun. For a change, Toby doesn’t take it all the way to the back of the auditorium, but rather stays on stage and acts goofy with Magni. At one point, he whips out a black marker and writes EVS on the back of Magni’s head. Later, Magni kneels before Toby and holds up his guitar so that Toby can play for a while. They look like they know how to have a good time, at least, but I found Toby pretty subdued tonight overall. Jason has opposite feelings, as he thinks it was a very energetic performance. Has Toby EVd his way to the bottom two?

Lukas, Schmukas
Why is this guy still here? Are my ears broken or something? Screw impartiality - HE’S HORRIBLE! That being said, Lukas starts off his set with Coldplay’s “Fix You”, and to his credit, the opening looked promising. I actually gave him the benefit of the doubt, but that didn’t last for long. By the time the House Band kicked in with music and backup vocals, I almost couldn’t hear Lukas anymore. Well, that’s actually a good thing, but really defeats the purpose here. Plus? Stop messing with my Coldplay, people. His second act is a new, softer version of his (horrible) original “Headspin.” I will say it is more tolerable this way, as I managed not to fast forward, but I can not, will not be happy if he wins this. Unfortunately, the Supernova crew lurves them some Lukas and they heap the compliments on him. Even Dave rescinds his previous statement that he couldn’t sit through two hours of Lukas in concert. Sigh. Dave directs the camera to Paula Abdul who is sitting in the audience, and she is wearing a sparkly silver outfit that matches Lukas’ eyeshadow to perfection. Has she met her newest boy toy?

All Hail the Drama Queen!
Dilana is up next, with a snarky intro from Brooke who says “Roxanne” by the Police has been done on this show before, but that Dilana thinks she can do it better. Dilana hobbles out on her spiffy new cane and does an a capella opening, and before long Magni, Lukas and Toby are behind her doing the backup chorus. It is certainly an entertaining (if a bit affected) version of “Roxanne”, and I keep wondering if Simon Cowell is going to magically appear to judge her performance as “perfect – for a cruise ship.” She segues into her blah original, “Supersoul” and pulls a Toby by taking it allllll the way to the back of the house (sans cane), even stopping to fondle Paula along the way. She arrives back on the judging platform, pets and pats all of the guys and gets her de rigueur piggy-back ride back to center stage. All-in-all, I’d say she’s kicked it up a notch, but is it too late? I hope so. But again, it’s all love and praise from the Supernova crew for Dilana.

Hot or Not?
Magni, the recipient of countless lame riffs on his unique name, is taking up the rear guard tonight. His first song is “Hush” by Deep Purple, and although I’m not familiar with the tune, I enjoy his performance. I have to admit, it’s a bit boring though. Did he wear himself out by playing back up to Toby and Dilana? As with all of the others, his second song is his original, but he struggles for a moment to even remember what it is titled. It seems to me that he didn’t give this performance the same intensity as we have previously seen from him, and I’m thinking it’s not looking so good for Mr. Magni. My fears are confirmed when Tommy gives the first negative feedback of the night, saying he couldn’t remember his original at all, even though it’s been performed twice previously.

Totoro, Out!
Well, this is it my friends. Tune in on Wednesday night to find out who will be chosen as the new lead singer of a temporary band, and look for Speedbump’s fine recap of the final episode shortly thereafter. I have this sneaky suspicion that I’m going to be disappointed… early results have Dilana in the lead.

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