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It’s performance night once again, rock fans! Next week Supernova will choose their frontman/woman, so it’s the last chance for our remaining five rockers to make the finals. Tonight we’ll get the requisite
karaokecover tunes, plus one original song from each rocker. That’s 10 songs in total to be performed, so we’re going to start the music without further ado, right?
That’s what I would have thought, too. Instead, though, there is the now-expected Drama by Dilana ™ segment at the mansion. It’s mercifully short this week, as she limits her histrionics to laments about her performance (worst of her life) and admits she forgot the lyrics to Psycho Killer (here I must extend apologies to the house band, as I had been blaming them for a sucky arrangement). The Dilana-bashing continues at the songwriting collaborations with Gilby, as she suggests cringe-inducing lyrics that have something to do with all those mean, judgmental people on the internet. I don’t know what she’s talking about, as there’s certainly no one like that around here. Gilby complains that Dilana has no imagination, and her lyrics are “too literal”. If someone out there isn’t clear on what he means by that, go listen to Nickelback’s latest CD – I defy anyone to listen closely to the lyrics to “Animals” and not wince at least once.
The Supersoul is a Super Trooper, too
First on is Dilana, but we really can’t continue without mentioning what Brooke is wearing tonight. It’s a perfectly hideous shredded black-and-white striped dress, and since it would be trite to say she looks like she just escaped from a prison riot, I’ll stay away from such easy jabs at her choice of couture.
Dilana’s first song is The Who classic, Behind Blue Eyes. Dilana shows us that she is indeed a literal walking disaster, as apparently she’s torn a calf muscle in rehearsal and has to be carried onstage by a burly stagehand. Since Dilana is approximately the size (and shape) of a sixth-grade boy, I’m not sure why such muscle-bound help was needed (hell, Storm was carrying her around just last week…but then again, Storm’s biceps are pretty cut). Anyway, for someone who didn’t know “parts” of this Who song, Dilana turns in a lovely performance, showing us some vocal range previously unheard. She prefaces her original song, Supersoul, with some blah-blah-blah about her “current situation”, and hops her way through her performance. The song actually has a pretty good melody, but as we would expect, dumb lyrics. Dave gives her props for performing while injured, but didn’t like her original song. Tommy digs the original, but Gilby again calls her out on her lack of creativity with the lyrics. Jason tells her a strong will is important. Strong leg muscles are good, too.
Molten hot…or not
After the break, Brooke (who should be sentenced to breaking rocks for wearing that dress, bada-boom) tells us that Supernova’s New Year’s Eve show in Vegas is – gasp – sold out! But have no fear, hair metal/reality show fans! Tickets are now on sale for a New Year’s Day show – and there better be a discount on those, taking into account how hung over the boys will be. Plus, there’s some actual good news – the House Band will be opening for Supernova on tour.
It’s Magni’s turn, and he’ll be opening his set with the Beatles’ Back In The USSR. His vocals are great, but it’s a missed opportunity for him to play guitar. His original song is entitled When The Time Comes. It’s got a great hook, and the Iceman gives us one of his best vocal performances. Lyrically, there are some awkward moments, but you could probably chalk that up to the translation of the song to English. I’ve heard the Icelandic language spoken more than the average North American person, as my husband’s hometown is chock-full of that particular ethnic group – and I tell you, it doesn’t translate well at all. Magni should get a medal for even attempting it.
Does Supernova appreciate Magni’s bilingual effort? Well, Dave calls him “molten-hot Magni” (there’s that cringe again). But the Supernova boys are less enthused – Tommy likes the original but wants to know why the performances were the same, and Gilby half-heartedly tells him he did a great job - in general. Maybe Magni would have gotten a better reception if he’d sung his original in his native tongue, and worn a black bra.
No girl likes being referred to as “triple-X large”
Storm is next to hit the stage, and for some reason she’s dressed like Charlie Chaplin – but thankfully, she hasn’t drawn a curly little black moustache on her lip. She’s going to perform Suffragette City (my personal favorite David Bowie song) – but wait! – Dave Navarro will be sharing the spotlight with Storm tonight. Now, we can already tell that Storm’s a girl who knows how to rise to the occasion, but she exceeds our wildest expectations and to steal a SN cliché, turns in an insane performance. She & Dave perform like they’ve been playing together for years, and I’m thinking Dave should seriously consider firing that goober he’s got singing for Panic Channel and hire Storm Large immediately.
Storm’s original song is Ladylike, and yeah, it sounds a wee bit autobiographical to me. Is it any good? Well, it made Tommy Lee jump to his feet and start dancing – but don’t let that fool you, it’s actually a pretty damn good song. The adulation Storm gets for her set is well-deserved – Dave tells her that it felt like being onstage with the best (and this is truly high praise, because Dave really has played with some of the best). Plus, it’s his favorite original song from this season AND last. Tommy calls her “Storm triple-x Large” (OK, I know he probably meant “triple-X” in the pornographic sense, but it still sounded like she’s a Lane Bryant model), then makes this sound – sort of like voooogh. Or maybe he just had some phlegm in his throat. Gilby thinks she’s great, and Storm is as excited as if she just won the lottery. In fact, she’s so excited, she grabs Brooke and gives her a big wet smooch on the lips. The SN boys sit up attentively – with Brooke in her stripes and Storm in her wifebeater tank, it’s almost like a scene from Reform School Girls. Yeah, Tommy definitely meant triple-X in the porno sense.
Making our heads spin…and our ears bleed
Lukas is up, and he’s used those torn scraps of Brooke’s dress as sleeves for his own black-and-white ensemble. Lukas is doing a version of Bon Jovi’s Livin’ On A Prayer. He’s performing semi-unplugged, accompanying himself on an electric guitar. Now, no one really wants to hear a Bon Jovi song from the ‘80’s in any form, but especially not in the way Lukas presents it. He’s basically stripped all the feel-good emotion from the original, and by the time he’s done I want to throw myself out the nearest window. Maybe his original, Headspin, will be more upbeat. Not bloody likely, as his between-song patter concerns his mother, his hard life, and the fact that no-one’s perfect. The song doesn’t quite pull me back from the brink of clinical depression, but it’s not terrible, nor is it Lukas’ best performance. The SN guys, however, are duly impressed. Dave digs the heavy-handed, emotional side of Lukas. Tommy, I think, likes it, although he doesn’t directly comment, but instead appeals to the audience – “Did you guys dig that?” Gilby calls Lukas’ set “inspiring”. I think he meant it in a good way.
The phenomena of Ehvs
The last rocker to perform tonight is Mr. Whatever himself, Toby. Toby is taking on The Killers’ Mr. Brightside, and he turns in a fine karaoke version of it. That’s not really a bad thing, as there’s no point in mucking about when you’ve got a great song to begin with. Anyway, Toby doesn’t do quite as good a job with it as Marty did last season, but it’s still a decent effort. Then there’s a bit of incoherent mumbling about getting wasted before he segues in to his original tune, Throw It Away. Apparently, The Thunder From Down Under isn’t just a pretty face, because he’s written a pretty good song. It sounds slightly reminiscent of late-‘90’s Offspring – again, not really a bad thing. Toby is his usual energized self, tearing through the crowd and ending the performance by flinging himself into the rockers’ pod and onto the laps of his mates. It puts the SN boys in their happy place, and the comments are all positive – Dave remarks that EVS (he pronounces it “ehvs”) is now a worldwide catchphrase (replacing “shrimp on the barbie” and “You call that a knife? THIS is a knife”). He adds that Toby’s original is instantaneously (my spell check nearly blew up as I typed that) memorable. Tommy says it was “bad-beeping-ass” (he actually said “beeping” – Tommy Lee has become a slave to prime-time censors, people), Gilby says he puts the fun back in rock n’roll, and Jason – who’s either being heavily edited tonight or has OD’d on some kind of sedative – calls Toby’s ability to embrace the crowd “magical”. Personally, I just think that SN believes that “EVS” would look cool on their tour t-shirts.
A night of great performances, so how can we pick an early bottom three? Well, apparently we can’t, at least the two broadcasts I watched couldn’t, as there is a blank screen next to Brooke when she announces the bottom three. However, a quick glance into the FORT show thread tells me that Magni, Storm and Dilana are the victims of the live audience vote. Are we headed for a double elimination? Or is Supernova taking four rockers to the final? And most importantly, will Brooke be paroled in time to host the results show? You could google yourself silly looking for spoilers, but why miss all the fun?
Send all contributions towards Brooke's bail fund to firstname.lastname@example.org.