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I pledge Allegiance....to the gag bag slag hag. Oh, you know what I mean. Pardon me, my bias is showing. Please excuse me while I adjust it. There. That’s better. It’s just that this song has been running through my head since last Thursday:

Chilltown ladies sing this song
Pick me! Pick me!
Chilltown shomance going strong
Oh, the sleaze today!
Goin’ to flirt all night,
Goin’ to flirt all day,
Somebody’s gonna’ go home this week
I sure hope it isn’t J….

Okay, so I’m not a poet. I’m also unable to hide my fondness for a certain buxom blond, so you’ve been forewarned - read at your own risk!

Deep breath. *ahem* Welcome back to the show! You’ve had your pork chops and mashed potatoes and a nice long visit at mom’s house, so now it’s time to kick back and see what the hamsters have been up to since you saw them last. The way everyone’s been throwing competitions lately its amazing that they even have an HOH this week, but Erika finally decided to go for it in a what the hell moment. If you’ve forgotten the high points you can read all about it in Yardgnome’s wonderful recap here.

James became Chilltown’s latest casualty when Will convinced Janelle to turn on her last remaining sovereign alliance member. He thinks he has Janelle in the palm of his hand due to his showmancing skills, but he blushes unconvincingly when he’s near her. Mike Boogie continued with his own, albeit cruder efforts to woo Erika and the boys had a small disagreement over which one of the ladies to take to the final three. Each trusts his own woman more than the other and at this point I’m just waiting for Chicken George to try out his romantic skills on Danielle.

An Unhappy Hamster
Danielle is furious that James went home since he was the only person left in the house that she was confident in. She meets with Boogie in the workout room for a whispered conversation about his departure. Danielle doesn’t blame him but she’s definitely not happy with the loss of a Legion of Doom comrade. Boogie reminds her that he didn’t have a vote and he’s not happy about James leaving either. He makes it clear that Will didn’t represent him this time and he tried to talk him out of the vote. Privately he says he and Will are playing the good cop/bad cop routine which Will underscores by announcing to the house at large that he was responsible for the last three evictions. Will hopes that whomever is left in the final three remembers that and decides to take him to the end, thinking that they can win against him in a jury vote. Danielle isn’t thinking that far ahead. In the DR she says “Wills ass is mine.” The only thing puzzling her is why Janelle voted for James’ eviction if the two of them were still allied.

It seems Danielle can relax a bit since Erika won HOH. The first thing Erika did (after a shrill, ululating I WON HOH scream that was heard in downtown Burbank) was promise Danielle that she’d be safe this week. Will muses that this is the 21st HOH competition he’s thrown, while Boogie is satisfied with Erika’s win.

Later the houseguests play poker with M&M ™ candies as poker chips, which is torture to George as he still is on the all-slop-all-the-time diet. Janelle is suspiciously lucky for a chick that has never played before, underscoring the fact that she’s either just generally a lucky girl or a she’s a superb cheater.

Welcome To The Jungle
Erika’s HOH room is floral-themed, with big orange and yellow fake flowers cropping up on her bedspread and in vases around the walls. Big, ugly fake flowers. Among her treats: a picture of her season four castmates whom Will brands as ugly, and homemade chocolate chip cookies baked by Erika’s mother. Mom must’ve seen Erika’s emaciated body and is trying to fatten her up. Too bad she didn’t stash some snake repellant in that baggie.

After the other hamsters wander out Danielle and Erika clap excitedly. Danielle’s thoughts turn immediately to the game and she asks Erika why Janelle voted to evict James. Could Janelle actually be working with Will? *gasp* She thinks he may have manipulated Janelle’s vote. “Gah, he’s got some control over her.” Erika mutters openmouthed. Oh, the irony.

Danielle’s anger grows as she confronts Will. He apologizes to Danielle for voting against James because he was her friend, but he won’t apologize for voting him out because he felt James was coming after him. He explains that James and Janelle were working together and deflects the heat from himself by calling Janelle a machine and saying if she wins HOH she is targeting him and Boogie. They assure each other that it’s a game, and Danielle smiles while secretly plotting to rid herself of the good doctor.

Putting the HO in HOH
Mike Boogie makes a visit to Erika’s HOH room and she falls on him like a bloodthirsty vampire trying to suck his soul out through his mouth. He comes up for air long enough to congratulate her on her room. Erika informs him she’s nominating Will and Janelle and Boogie bites his nails. “Don’t we want to put up Danielle?” Erika is confused; she thought Will wanted to go to jury. “Not now!” Boogie barks. “I mean, not so soon. If you do that you’re committing in one direction…” He tries to play it off with a boyish smile but his face looks a little pale. Erika fishes for what she wants to hear. “Who is your allegiance to?” She asks Boogie. “My allegiance is to you and I feel like your allegiance is to Will.” Boogie continues to bite his nails. “I mean, do I have to pick one person?” This conversation is going in a direction Boogie doesn’t want to go. He tries to deflect talk of putting up Will by offering up Danielle because she’s so aggravating. (Yes she is) Erika dismisses the notion of putting up Danielle. In the Dr Boogie says his allegiance is obviously to Will but he has to make Erika think his loyalty lies with her. Flash to Erika and Boogie getting under the covers and she tells him if she finds out he’s playing her she’ll kick his ass. Boogie just smiles at the camera.

The Birds and the Bees
We segue straight from the HOH room to this week’s food competition, entitled The Birds and the Bees. No, its not the late night HOH show. Instead, we get to watch the hamsters dress up in ridiculous costumes and compete for food. Will and Boogie wear foam bee costumes, Danielle and Janelle are birds, and George and Erika get to be flowers in bright green leotards and petal ruffs. The object of the competition is for the birds and bees to transfer nectar from big pools of yellow goo to the nectar collectors. They will do this by lying on a grid-like collector and having the flowers (Erika and George) squeeze the nectar out of their foam suits and down the nectar-collector tube. Confused? You are if you’re watching.

The containers sit on a moveable turntable and the players are able to control which foods and prizes they win by filling the container corresponding with the prize. George really wants the slop pass, while Will is pulling for a trampoline. I thought this was a food competition, but whatever.

The competition begins and it’s a free-for-all as Will jumps into the yucky mess. He quickly moves to the grid to strain off the stuff, and George and Boogie jump on top of him to help him strain the liquid off. It looks like Dr. Suess’ Hop On Pop as everyone scrambles to win their favorite. Will says the girls looked like they were making a hot movie but it’s George that looks obscene as he gyrates all over the birds and bees. He reallly wants that slop pass.

In the end it shakes out this way: They win Meats and Fish but lose the red room and deserts and dairy products. They also didn’t win breads and cereals. They win a trampoline in exchange for going on slop for a day and Christmas in August in exchange for another day of slop. Then they get to choose between veggies and a one-week slop pass. Mike, Will, Janelle and Danielle huddle and pretend to choose veggies, then turn around and shout slop pass! George is so grateful he dances and shouts. They choose a five star meal over fruits and gladly give up the pool table for alcohol. Will calls it the Atkin’s diet for Alcoholics but everyone looks pretty happy with the results.

Later Mike and Will discuss strategy over a game of pool. Will tells Boogie he needs to be Lance Showmance with Erika up in the HOH bedroom. Boogie tells him not to worry, Erika is with chilltown all the way. The only thing is, she wants to put Will up as a pawn. Boogie stutters a little as he says this. Will can’t believe he’s banking his future on Boogie’s love making abilities. I can’t believe it either.

In Other News…
This week’s fun clip number one features Chicken George as the world belly flop champion. Everyone chants his name as he hitches up his pants and runs as fast as his chicken legs can carry him to the pool. He flops into the water and displaces as much of it as he can on the laughing houseguests, over and over again. George has no problem playing the fool for the others amusement. When I look at him I think of the old saying with age comes wisdom.

Fun clip number two is a boy, a girl and a rubber ducky, featuring Will and Janelle in the pool. They flirt outrageously with each other while denying their crushes. They have a little DR scene where they still deny their crushing. Finally Will gets Janelle to admit she’d have sex with him if they were the only ones left on earth and the future of civilization depended on them. She would, but she wouldn’t like it. Yes she would, says Will. I’m blushing now. Somebody get these two their own TV show.

Fun clip number three is Will talking directly to the camera in the backyard, standing on tippy-toes as he murmurs sweet nothings to America. He vamps it for all he’s worth, batting his eyelashes suggestively as he tells the camera, no, America(!) that he’s in love with them. Even though Will is young enough to be my son several years younger not really my type I enjoy the banter, as does my daughter and her daughter. Also my neighbor, my roommate, and my Chihuahua Suzy, who trotted over to the TV to get a little closer. Yowser, that was hot.

One Last Try
It’s nomination day and Erika and Will talk in the HOH room. Will says Danielle gets everyone to do her dirty work for her. In a perfect wold, Danielle should be going home before Janelle. He plants a seed with Erika by saying Danielle might come after her if she wins the next HOH. Erika thinks Danielle may come after her because she’s the closest to winning (??? In your dreams, honey). Will tells Erika that she can’t win against Danielle in the final two. Erika runs to the Dr to say that Danielle is a huge threat. Chalk another one up to the chilltown boys.

Mike says there’s not a chance Erika will nominate him because she’s falling in love with him – he has her right where he wants her. I guess all’s fair in showmance and war, but I’ll bet Erika’s mom is probably throwing things at the TV right now.

George says he has an alliance with just about everybody in the house, but he’s not allowed to go to the meetings. He says it’s tough to feel secure when you don’t know what they’re saying about you. Sounds more like an alliance of one to me.

Erika ponders her nominations and offers up this gem: “When you nominate two people one of them could possibly be leaving the house.” On that note the houseguests gather to hear the news. Erika makes her speech and reassures them that, while she’s an emotional person, her nominations are just strategy. She pulls the first key; it belongs to Danielle. The second key belongs to Mike and the third to Will. George looks ill, then smiles. I guess your alliance forgot to tell you they were putting you up Georgie. Erika tells Janelle she was a huge fan of hers during season six, so she considers her a huge threat. She throws George a bone by telling him he was nominated because she thought he would be a vote for Janelle.

And that’s it, another Sunday night in front of the TV. Be sure to watch on Tuesday night to find out who’ll win the ROV!

I’d like Christmas in August too, please. Preferably money in large denominations. Dinahann@fansofrealitytv.com