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Excelsior, true believers! Welcome back to “Who Wants To Be A Superhero.” Many thanks to one of my personal heroes SnowflakeGirl for stepping in and protecting you readers while I was away on my secret mission. Her superior powers of snark and jocularity were more than powerful enough to prevent the evil that is a boring recap.
We are down to the final three heroes in Stan Lee’s search for the next great Superhero. Fat Momma, Feedback, and Major Victory have all impressed Stan to no end thus far, and his search is nearly over. Each of the heroes is determined to win immortality via comic book; Fat Momma just wants to prove to her kids that everyday people can be heroes; Feedback says this is the most important thing he has done in his life, and winning will be the culmination of everything he has done in his life; Major Victory is just thinking about his estranged daughter who lives in Seattle. He just wants to be a hero for her, and be a part of her life. All 3 have honest reasons for winning this reward.
I Believe The Children Are Our Future
Stan interrupts the heroes mid-breakfast to tell them about their next, tougher than nails challenge. This particular challenge will be unlike any of the ones before and the heroes will face their toughest judges of all—schoolchildren! Major Victory is worried. He survived being taken out by attack dogs, and now he might be taken down by 10 year olds…what is wrong with this picture? The heroes jump into their now shortened super-transport, and are whisked away to a local school, full of screaming kids. In the classroom, Stan explains to all the kids how he needs their help to choose the next great superhero via video-conference. Ok, am I the only one who is a little worried about Stan Lee at this point? The guy hasn’t made one actual physical appearance yet. Is he in a bubble somewhere, cut off from the evils of airborne viruses and bacteria? Is he even still with us? Or has he figured out how to keep writing and publishing comics while mentoring and judging possible heroes from some ethereal television studio? I don’t know, but I really am a little concerned for the guy. Anyway, he introduces the heroes one by one. Feedback comes in and does his customary high kick to impress all of the younglings. Next, Fat Momma makes her entrance, eating a donut to boost her strength. Finally, Major Victory struts in, feigning like the wall is his audience, but finally turning around to greet the crowd. Stan has another surprise in store for the heroes, and he has them all sit down and have their eyes covered by two little girls from the class. Voila! Comicbook cover art featuring each of our three heroes is revealed to them one by one. I must admit, the covers do look pretty smashing. Especially Fat Momma’s—where she was smashing something on the ground. Each hero’s eyes light up when they see their likeness in comic art form, and they are all left speechless. Major Victory was especially touched, and seeing all the young kids behind him, he could only think of his daughter and wish he had been around when she was that age.
Stan next explained to the heroes that he wanted each of them to explain to the kids their hero’s background, their powers and abilities, and inspire the kids with their heroics. At the end, the kids will all vote for their favorite hero. First up, Feedback. He gets up in front of the class and tries valiantly to not put the kids to sleep with his background. He tries to explain how he got his powers when he was a computer scientist involved in a lab accident, and how he had to create a suit to contain the feedback field that now surrounds him. However, he is too dry and scientific, and it mostly goes over the kids’ heads, boring them. If only he had started with the fact that he absorbs powers from video games that he plays. Alas, he did not. Next, Fat Momma takes the stage, and gets the kids clapping rhythmically so she can sing them her theme song. It’s a huge hit, and by the end the kids are singing along with her. Then she asks the kids if they have ever been teased. Of course, their 10 year olds, and 10 year olds are mean to each other, so obviously she has everyone’s attention. She explains that she is fighting for each and every one of those who have been teased for being different, and it is obvious we have a winner of this contest. Still, Major Victory gets his shot at winning hearts. He follows Fat Momma’s example and gets all the kids on their feet to “feel the energy.” Then, with the energy of a kid with ADD after drinking a case of Mountain Dew, he goes about explaining his powers. He can jump 325 yards in the air, he can levitate, he can manipulate sound, and he can make the most annoying sound ever heard and sustain it for 30 seconds. Oh yeah, plus he has aerodynamic hair. Groomed for speed.
Finally it is time for the kids to decide which hero they like the best. Stan instructs them to get up from their desks and go stand behind the hero they like the best. In a mass scramble, almost all of the kids stand behind Fat Momma, with about 10 each for Feedback and Major Victory. Stan makes it official, and announces Fat Momma as the winner. She’s excited because it proves that superheroes don’t have to be buff, handsome men, but can be everyday people like her. Feedback and Major Victory are disappointed because now they have to write “I will not pretend to be a superhero” on the chalkboard fifty times, all under the watchful eye of The Dark Enforcer.
The Dark Enforcer Strikes Again
Later that day, in an otherwise peaceful Universal Studios Boardwalk, The Dark Enforcer is sighted lurking around, preparing to commit acts of evil and vileness on the clueless citizens. The “Who Wants To Be A Superhero” signal (a fake alert siren and computer generated spotlight of the show’s logo) goes out to alert Stan Lee that his heroes are needed. Stan excitedly tells the heroes what is up, and rushes them off to Universal Studios for their next challenge. Once they arrive at the boardwalk, Stan tells them their next task. The Dark Enforcer is somewhere on the lot, and each hero must follow clues in a most hero-like manner and find him as quickly as possible. The first clue is: “If you find a woman with an ankle tattoo, there will be a message above her high heeled shoe.” Major Victory takes to the chase first, and starts to search for women with ankle tattoos as quickly as possible. At first he isn’t very successful, even scaring one women to the point that she called security. Meanwhile, Stan sends Feedback and, shortly after, Fat Momma on the hunt for The Dark Enforcer. Major Victory finally finds the woman in the first clue, and reads the next clue from her ankle: “Take the lotion from the woman and follow the directions on the label. Let’s see right now if you are smart, willing, and able.” The lotion instructions are “Find a guy over 200, with a diamond in his ear. Rub the lotion on his belly, and the next clue will appear.” Soon, Feedback finds the first woman too. Fat Momma, however, seems to be taking her own sweet time. She is eating a donut while she looks and talking to strangers too. She is even approaching strangers at cafes in order to steal some of their French fries and their sodas. The men, however, are searching as quickly as they can. Major Victory soon finds the big guy with a diamond earring, and reluctantly rubs the lotion on his belly to reveal the next clue. “She has $33.50 in a fancy purse. Count it now, or things get worse. If you care, she has short hair.” He leaves the big guy with hopes that he didn’t enjoy the belly rub too much. Feedback, in searching for the 200 lb man approaches many pedestrians and asks them for their weight. When he doesn’t believe someone, he asks if he can lift them up to double check. Perhaps he can charge them to guess their weight, and if he doesn’t get it right, he can give them a cheap stuffed animal. Eh, Universal Studios probably already has a guy that does that. Feedback finds clue number two quickly too. Meanwhile, Fat Momma is still looking for the first clue, but finding plenty of French fries to munch on and up her power levels. Then she sees a guy giving out free massages. He doesn’t have a diamond in his ear, but what the heck…she’s not in a hurry, so she sits down for a nice neck rub. Back to Major Victory—he quickly finds a short haired woman who is willing to let him count the money in her purse, counts the cash to find $33.50, and gets the final clue: “You’ve got to find the villain fast! There’s no time to stall—he’ll be waiting for you around a big round ball.” He hustles to the giant Universal Studios globe to find The Iron Enforcer, who tells him his time was 15 minutes 25 seconds. Right behind him, Feedback finds the lady with $33.50 in her purse, and counts the money quickly, dropping some of it on the ground. After he reads the final clue, he puts the disarrayed money back in her purse, but can’t seem to pick up one of the pennies that fell on the ground because of his bulky gloves. He doesn’t want to take off his gloves for fear that Stan will eliminate him for removing his costume, so he tries and tries, and eventually picks up the penny and returns it to the purse. He gets to The Iron Enforcer 15 seconds slower than Major Victory. Eventually, Fat Momma makes her way to the woman with the final clue. She counts the money, gets the clue, and heads toward her final goal…but not without getting the woman’s caramel apple for a little more energy. She makes it to The Dark Enforcer, who tells her “People would have been dead by now.” “At least I’m not hungery” was Fat Momma’s reply.
Fat Momma? More Like Fat Drama
Before the next elimination, the heroes are all chatting it up in the kitchen. Feedback tells the others how excited he was for the “scavenger hunt” challenge, saying he used to do things like that all the time in college. Fat Momma is concerned for Feedback, because she is worried that he might take being eliminated really hard, whereas it just doesn’t mean as much to her. She has proved her point already, but for Feedback, this is his life. She heads into the bathroom, and refuses to come out until she can talk with an executive producer to relate her concerns. I gotta think that Fat Momma shouldn’t really worry...Feedback is an adult, and, if he’s really that crazy to take elimination so seriously as to hurt himself or others, well, how did he make it past the psyche screeners in the first place? Fat Momma gets her wish, though, and expresses her concerns for Feedback to the executive producer on hand. She doesn’t want the victory as badly as Feedback does, and she would rather be taken off the show than see him get eliminated. The producer talks her down, and eventually calls the other two heroes in with them for a group hug and to explain exactly what’s going down. Feedback tells Fat Momma that she needn’t worry…he would be proud to lose to her or Major Victory, as they are all true heroes.
A Touching Farewell
Up on the roof, Stan gathers all three heroes on the glowing red blocks. He has words for each of them after a long and eventful day. First, Stan tells them all that if he could choose, he wouldn’t eliminate any of them. This is not going to be easy. He tells Fat Momma that her message of self-esteem for the kids really hit home, and he is proud of her for it. However, at Universal Studios, she took over 40 minutes to find The Dark Enforcer, and that is just not acceptable. Superheroes need to understand priorities, and staying in character shouldn’t have been her priority in a timed event. Stan speaks to Major Victory next. He tells him that he didn’t do a very good job with the kids. He seems like he went for laughs over substance with the children. His humor didn’t convey a message, nor did it tell them about his background. Finally, Feedback. He just didn’t speak well to the kids. His speech went way over their heads. His picking up of the penny, however, really speaks to the hero inside of him. He gave up the win in order to help the lady keep all of her money. He really conducted himself like a superhero during the challenge.
Stan admits this will be the most difficult decision yet. But, there can only be one winner. The hero going home tonight is…Major Victory. He has used his talents for humor in every single challenge. According to Stan, that makes for a better stand up comedian than it does a hero. Stan thinks that Major Victory has almost become a parody of a superhero. What? Stan…man…what about Spidey? He uses humor all the time when he is fighting villains. Either way, Major Victory is out. Feedback almost tries to sacrifice himself for his friend, but MV stops him, telling him not to do that, and simply wish him goodbye.
As Major Victory walks away, Stan calls him back to the group. He talks to him about his daughter, and how he came on the show wanting to prove to his daughter that he is a hero, and reconnect with her after all these years. Stan directs Major Victory to look behind the cube he normally stands on, and pick up the phone that is there. On the phone, Major Victory’s--no, Chris’s--daughter is waiting to talk with him. In what seems like possibly their first conversation in years, his daughter tells him how proud she is of her father, and that he is a hero to her. Chris, crying like a baby, tells his daughter that he loves her, and that he’d like to call her and talk to her when it’s a little more private. You mean reconnecting with your daughter in front of 6 million viewers and a couple of adults dressed like yourself in superhero tights might not be the appropriate time? Whatever!
Major Victory leaves the rooftop and the lair with pride in his step. He has done really well as a superhero, and I’m sure he’ll be back next week when his boy Feedback is crowned the victor. Do I know some inside information? Heck no, I can just tell who really deserves to win this contest. Honestly, I would think that all three of these heroes would be featured in the winner’s Saturday night SciFi movie. Feedback could use a sidekick like Major Victory for some humor, and a mother figure like Fat Momma for advice on how to defeat the bad guys. Be sure to tune in next week for the crowning of the winner!
In brightest day, in blackest night, no recap shall escape my write…ing. Or something like that firstname.lastname@example.org