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This show was the “bestest” according to my nine year old niece. While I’m not exactly sporting a Reege toupee and a Hasselhoff leather thong, I will concede that this show was exactly what summer television needed. Where else can you find a dude with a hundred horns tucked neatly into various bodily orifices, Celtic dancing and magicians? Aside from any county fair, that is.

And just like Webster, My Two Dads and Full House, all great things must come to an end. If you’ve made it this far, savor this moment because tonight marks the new traditional end of summer.

The ever lovable and oh so witty Roseskid is riding mules in the Grand Canyon ala Brady Bunch this week so I will do my “bestest” to bring you greatness. Don’t hold your breath people, I’m working with a show that has a rapping granny in the finals.

Let’s Recap…One More Time
You know, Regis doesn’t too bad for a guy in his prime. He’s rockin a slick black suit and matching purple tie and hanky-in-the-pocket thingy. I’d personally like to see him in a blue smoking jacket, white bell bottoms and clogs but the Euro look is working for him tonight. He’s slowly nudging The Hoff from the mantle as Germany’s hottie.

One million dollars is on the table and if you haven’t already, you must read Snowflakegirl’s recap to see how the performances stacked up. There will be plenty of filler as well. The Blue Man Group, Ali and AJ and the wacky act finale should numb us up. All together now: yayyyyyy!

We’re treated once again to a review of all ten acts. At Last gave us hope that boy bands really can sing, Nine year old Bianca Ryan reminded me that I don’t have a talented bone in my body and Quick Change went tit-for-tat with Piers who called them a one trick pony. Yo Piers, if you gotta have one trick, I’d say this one just about tops the cake.

The Rappin Granny got her diggity going on, Taylor Ware yodeled her little pigtails off and Celtic Spring (my fave) made Michael Flatley look like Chris Farley in the infamous SNL Chippendales scene. A definite cornucopia of entertainment delight.

We see some footage of those who didn’t make it. Egads. Is this the future of American entertainment? There were chimpanzee comedy acts, failed magic tricks and dropped batons. On the plus side, the editors dug out Linda Ronstadt’s You’re No Good as background music which reminded me to dust off my K-Tel’s Totally Hot Hit’s of the 70’s album.

For good measure (and to the thrills of the septuagenarian crowd), Reege busts into his best There’s No Business Like Show Business song and dance routine. He’s joined by the B-squad dancers from Ted’s Tropicana Motel. Throughout the song various past contestants come out for a quick review. Nathan, the slapstick magician made an appearance dropping turkey’s like it was going out of style. Bobby, the finger-snapper rubbed off a few more calluses and Kenny, the dangerous juggler sliced a few body parts. I was tickled pink at the sight of Dave, the horn guy. It was madness, I tell ya. PT Barnum was probably rolling over in his grave faster than the jumbo dogs at 7-Eleven.

It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
It’s not just the ten finalists who are vying for a cool million. Tonight is also the chance for the five wackiest, highest caliber, zany talents to win something special.

The first up is Rudy. He tap dances whilst doing a hand stand. Not possible, you say? He throws us for a loop and puts his hands inside the tap shoes. It’s pretty catchy and his rhythm isn’t bad either. He later does a back flip and ends up with his feet hanging on a rope, leaving his head dangling inches from the floor. Had he polished his shoes and slipped…splat!

Contestant number two is Duane. Duane dazzles us by playing Malaguena on an acoustic guitar. The catch is that he’s using a hand held mixer with guitar picks attached to it to pluck the strings. Ok, I’m amused and I’m amused even more because it sounds halfway decent.

Stauman, or Simon, or something that sounds Si-Stau-Sti….imon-y (insert thick German accent that hocks up loogies) lays claim to being the only person who can play a concerto on his teeth. He plucks his teeth with his fingers and the crowd bobs and sways to the melodic delight.

D. Douglas Lee can turn water into wine and with that folks, the show’s over. Kidding, but he can turn water into music. D-Doug, as I’ve quickly coined him, rubs wet fingers over crystal glasses and produces symphonic bliss. I used to do that at weddings. It annoyed the hell out of my Aunt Betty. D-Doug gets down and wet and finishes off his one minute gig with a cataclysmic vibration of We Will Rock You by Queen.

Dave from Michigan loves eggs so much he eats them whole. Or rather he catches eggs in his mouth...whole. Ah, but this isn’t your standard toss them up twelve inches and catch them. No, instead it’s go long and deep, wind back and launch those suckers through the air and then catch them using only his mouth. Pretty impressive. I’d have an omelet on my face if it were me but Dave manages to catch a few from pretty far distances, even taking a header on the stage.

With the five wacky finalists finished, Regis tells the audience to use their keypads at their seats and punch in which number they liked best. Thank god we’re not going to a commercial and being held in suspense. It takes just a few seconds for the votes to be tallied. The winner is contestant number one, Rudy, the handstand tap dancer. What? This guy sucked. D-Doug was robbed.

Tell him what he won, Johnny. A new car! Rudy gets a 2007 Dodge Caliber RT. Not bad for being a schmuck on television.

It’s Fun Being Blue
If we were at Spago’s, the Blue Man Group would be the main entrée. The blue dudes put on quite a spectacle with their performance of Teenage Wasteland.

It’s very Orwellian. Two of the dudes are playing a funky percussion ensemble strapped to their bodies with tubes, wires and various other electrical implements strewn across the floor. The neon drumsticks resemble the wooden spoons from mom’s kitchen. The third dude takes a giant mallet and bangs on an upturned inside of a piano. Quite genius, actually.

It’s a freakin party. Silly string shoots from their contraptions as they switch to different drums. The crowd goes nuts. If we had foam, it would be Ibiza.

Herbie: The Ice Princess
You may recognize the next group from epic movie soundtracks and Girl Power compilations. Hillary Duff was booked so the next best thing takes the stage. It’s Aly and AJ, the quintessential tween pop act that’ll send any ten year old into a frenzy.

Singing Chemicals React, the duo destined for Disney success rocked the crowd with spectacular lip synching and air guitar. Yes, it’s always a hoot to hear fourteen year-olds sing about love lost, life and tragedy.

The Envelope Please
With the mini Woodstock over, Reege brings the ten finalists out to the stage. He then asks the five finalists to come forward. They are: Rappin Granny, Rialis, Quick Change, At Last and The Passing Zone. There are now two rows of finalists and the everlasting suspense of which row are the top five gets thicker. The second row is comprised of Celtic Spring, Bianca Ryan, Taylor Ware, The Millers and All That. The two rows take their seats on either side of Regis.

After a quick break, Regis lets the group with Rappin Granny know that they are in the bottom half. He then calls The Millers and All That and finally we learn who the winner is. Nah-ah-ah. We’re fooled again and Reege drops the bomb on us that those two groups are the runners-up. They still walk away with a Dodge Caliber RT so they boys can cruise and pick up chicks. Heaven knows their talents won’t be much help.

After some glossy and cheesy comments by Brandy, Hoff and Piers (you’re all winners, blah blah blah), Regis finally opens the envelope to reveal who the winner is.

After what seems like a millennium, Regis announces Bianca Ryan as the million dollar winner. Good for her. She breaks down into a blubbering mess and all is right in the universe if only for a moment. Stay tuned for Bianca’s second act- the E! True Hollywood Story. It’s a long road, kid. Keep the chin up.

That’s it for now. A special thanks to Snowflakegirl, MotherSister, Roseskid and Yardgnome for bringing this compelling masterpiece to life. We laughed. We cried. We giggled all the way to the end. See ya next year!