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You don’t know everything about this show. Yet. But first: at 4:03 in the a.m. on August 9th, in the 2006th Year Of Our Lord (YOOL), a high pitched girl-scream erupted from a home in the upper Midwest, causing the neighbor’s weiner dog, “Woody”, to yip in anxiety and urinate all over an elderly couple’s lawn jockey. (<--actually a favor to the universe.) That girlish scream….belonged to my eldest brother, “Hosehead”. Who prefers not to have his screams described as “girlish”, (nor be known as “Hosehead”) but as he used to toss sweat socks at me when I walked past his room (in a game I liked to refer to as “involuntary dodge ball”), I’ve decided that not only does he scream like a girl, but he also may or may not have slept with a G.I. Joe doll until he was…..27. Okay, I lie. That scream belonged to me. Because that’s the exact moment I learned that NBC had spliced their finale into a FREAKIN’ TWO PART SHOW. (<--the first F). Of which only one fifth of one half of one eighth of the last 28 seconds mattered. Oh, and that thing that you don’t know? Jay Mohr’s a plushie. <--whole paragraph a ruse to get you to this point.
Incentives for reading the rest of this recap:
Another reason to stay indoors, hence preserving your increasingly vulnerable fleshie coating.
All the cool kids are doing it*.
It took me 14,327 hours to write it.
I know you are…but what am I?
And last but not least…………Money**!!!!
**Disclaimer: *in rapid lawyer voice* “checkswillnotbehonored.”
*Ha! Jokes on you! There are no cool kids reading this. Other than you.
The second F of this show refers to…………….futon. Which is what I will so be laying on the second I post the Nightmare That Was This recap. So let’s dance, babies!
Annnnd out comes Anthony Clark, and just to make it clear that it’s the finale, they put the word Finale in RED across his body. Like a happy little sash. Anthony let’s us know it’s going to be a totally AWESOME show with special guest stars! Alonzo Boden! John Heffron! Dat Phan! Jay Mohr! Patton! <--checking to see if you’re reading this. Anyhow, it’ll be wild (because dead war generals are crayzay!).<---desperation
AC introduces the two finalists, and both emerge from the crowd “man of the people” style. Josh high fives everybody - his happy, silken, white-man ‘fro (F#3) bouncing gayfully to “Cool it Now” by New Edition, which no, they don’t play, but his hair seemingly enjoys the tune anyway. And what Ty’s hair lacks in dance fever, the rest of his body makes up for in Cool Points, by gliding effortlessly up to the stage with a big grin, his teeth gleaming like a thousand points of disco ball light.
And then they’re sent back stage.
And this is how the night’ll go, people! But still, if you’re skimming, please……think of the children. (Go ahead, think of them. Aren’t they cute? Except for that one in the back, flipping you the bird? Where are her parents??)
Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-FILLER! <--to be sung like, “ch-ch-ch-ch-CHANGES” Or, if you prefer, “ch-ch-ch-CHIA!” Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd F Numero Quatro!
So. We’ve (and by “we” I mean “them”) got to burn 89 minutes of unimportant show waiting for the 1 minute of news, which again, could have easily appeared on a crawl across the bottom of a Law and Order rerun. So how do we burn? With puhhhhlenty of fillah! <--said with Kennedy accent, again, out of desperation.
First up, is AC in the audience, sandwiched uncomfortably between Stella and Joey Gay. He asks them how they’re doing - Stella’s now birthed her babe and Joey is still the nice guy who refuses to talk $#@% about his roomies. When asked about how difficult it was to be with his fellow ha ha peeps, Joey just mentions the joy, their charm, and their smooth, shiny coats. Aww. NEXT!
F5: UNSEEN FOOTAGE ALERT! UNSEEN FOOTAGE ALERT! And sadly, it’s good. Or at least not bad. Why is this sad? Because they could have actually included this during the actual season, making it far more like season one and two than the Stain That Was Season 3. Don’t they realize that we, the people, in Order to form a more perfect viewing audience, actually enjoy it when comedians are released from their restraints, allowed to mingle together in (somewhat) natural habitats? Like…. medieval castles? Or, in this instance, old luxury cruise lines filled with the spirits of the dead? Which leads us to the footage that was sadly chopped. Gone!
So, all the comedians are forced into attending a sťance, which, I can understand, would seem stupid. Because it is. But see…the thing about comedians is that they THRIVE on stupid! I mean, they can take stupid and spit shine it into more fun than a sock full of soap. And they do.
We see them all sitting around a table looking skeptically at some Edwards guy, who will be acting as a medium/cheap magician/con artist. He let’s them know that 52 people died on said ship, some crushed and poisoned, others disposed of far less pleasantly. “Talk about a sh*t cruise line,” Josh tells the camera. See? SEE? Wouldn’t this have been more hilarious and enjoyable footage than the non-conflict that was Stella-against-the-world? Then Edwards goes on to talk of some little girl, named Charlotte, who died on the same ship and whose ashes he just mysteriously happens to have at the ready for summoning to an NBC reality show. Chris Porter comments, “[pshaw] who just gives their daughter’s ashes away to some DUDE?? Whatever.” I couldn’t agree more. Again, I laugh. More still as the table starts to shake, clearly orchestrated by the Amazing Edwards himself. He finishes by doing some kind of rope trick that you really just have to see, but Josh adeptly makes fun of said rope trick, twisting and turning a pile of rope into a strand that inevitably still has one knot. Yay!
Day Glo Ninjas and Overactive Bladders<--possible new album title
Youalreadyknowtheoutcomeofthis partoftheshowtoosolet’snotdrag it out and the winner of the Last Comic Downloaded is THEO VON!!!!!! <--none of this enthusiasm is really appropriate for Theo, but as he won something, I thought I ought to appear more excited to hear of his win than I was when I opened a brand new toilet wand. Eh. He’s fine. Whatever. I still think Mr. Number Two (wait….that doesn’t sound right) was totally hot. Did you see him? Because you should. Really. Especially if you’re into that (and I am).
Next up: all the winners from the last three seasons. Everybody’s hilarious, as they should be. Happy, slightly boring background footage in which everyone talks about the upped attendance at all their shows due to the LCS exposure. We see flashbacks (F6) from each season, illustrating even more exactly why season 4 blew a giant air horn. Best of the flashbacks: Hide and Go Seek with Dat Phan, where only Dat hides….and there are no seekers. I have one four letter word to say about that: R.O.F.L.!!! See? This is the kind of footage that was lacking in Season 4. Funny, playful, even…..entertaining. Whoah! Good thing the clip was only about 3 seconds long or we may have destroyed this seasons’ rep for being the most…dull….EVER! Below, some randomly chosen highlights, because well…uh…it’s faster. (F7)
Dat's highlights: He’s one of four Asians on TV, but when he started out he only had one role model: Sulu from Star trek. He thinks everyone’s looking at him thinking, “What’s he doing? When is he going to start singing She-bangs?” He also wonders why Asians are the only people called boat people. He says everyone’s ancestors came over on boats, but the Pilgrims aren’t boat people, the Irish aren’t boat people, and “we don’t call the Cubans two inner tubes tied to a Coleman cooler people.” He used to play with G.I. Joe and thought it was cool, but now noticed his nephew has a set with glow in the dark ninjas. “Doesn’t that defeat the purpose??” He realizes he takes myspace too seriously because he broke up with a girlfriend and took her off his top 8. But she got him back by replacing his picture with a picture of William Hung.
John Heffron’s highlights: talks about driving along and forgetting that you’ve been driving for the last 20 miles, “apparently I bought beef jerky…and picked up a hitch hiker.” He talks about his body going through weird changes and how now he wets himself after he tries to stick his hoo-ha back in his pants, he wacks it on the dier, tosses it around, tries to slam out every last drop until…nope, wet himself again. His wife wants to know if he needs pull-ups. He talks about hearing the common advice, “marriage isn't a sprint, it's a marathon,” and he says, "uh...it's the running of the bulls." You just pretty much run and you hear the people getting gored behind you and you just hope it doesn’t happen to you. His wife made him get rid of stuff…like his old roomie. He complains about how his old roomie didn’t jump on the couch and put his toes under his butt because his feet were cold.
Alzonzo Boden’s highlights: He’s the unknown winner of LSC season 3. He lives in the suburbs and is the only brother on the culdesac, knows that if something happens that suspect list will be really short. He was at the grocery store and this group of 10 or 12 year old girls recognized him and started screaming in that excited way, he had to tell them to shut the hell up because he can’t have little girls screaming whenever he walks by, he’s not R. Kelly, he’ll go to jail. He moved to the suburbs because of Desperate Housewives and if comedy doesn’t work out, he’ll become a gardener. Talks about soccer moms driving giant SUVs now all to carry one kid wearing a helmet. Says he’s surrounded by helmets, and that when he was a kid, a helmet meant you were on the special bus. He remembers the good old days when your mom used to say “go outside” just because she was tired of you. And everything outside is dangerous, like monkey bars, “well take old steel bars and belt them together higher and higher, don’t worry if your kid falls, because there's asphalt.” In the old days, when a kid was hit by the swing he didn’t get a helmet, he just learned what “heads up” means. Talks about how there was always that big mean dog that would mysteriously get used, and you didn’t have to outrun the dog, just outrun your friends. He would rather date a woman than a girl, because a girl still has hopes and dreams, but a woman has something to do.
Next up, for absolutely no good reason, Peter Engel, Exec producer of the show and the man responsible for making Drew Carey say $#@% and $@#$ even @#$# on the air, comes out to loud cheers. LOUD. He’s filled with joy as if the applause is all for him rather the giant, lit, sign, commanding everyone to clap like sea otters. He succeeds in somehow making boring information even more boring by stretching out every syllable. Blah blah blah the next guest *insert wheezing pauses* created the show, he’s a great actor *cough* and yada yada total pain in the ass. Jay Mohr! Which makes me think that Jay so did NOT want to be intro’d by AC. He comes out, kisses Peter, bends him backward and gives him the tongue. Nah. (Oh, other than the boring part. That was totally real.)
Jay’s highlights: lot of applause for a guy who didn't get a college education, striaght A student until sophomore year. Teachers always tell you need algebra and it’s just not true, never been to a job interview where they say, “we think you’re perfect, but before we move ahead, what’s 2A plus 2B? Because here at Wendy’s what we like to do….” Remember’s being asked that question, and answering “ABBA”. Talks about as a kid, the guiltier you were when asked questions, the higher your voice got. How to tell if your teacher has a hangover? When you come in the next day and the big, World War 1 movie projector is in the room, taking five AV squad kids to move it. Wonders how to take his kid’s temperature when he has to do it “the other way”. Do you wait until he’s sleeping? Tell him you’ll do it on three and do it on one?
Annnnd the Finalists. F8! Yet still, very filler-y!
Ty Barnett’s highlights: don't know how tonight will turn out, happy to stand there and wish Josh congrats. His full name is Tyrone, which in Ireland means inspired and prone to creativity, but in America it means “not hiring”. There will never be a President Tyrone, the most he can be is the guy you get your weed from. Says being President is the easiest job, you have people to help you do the job, a speech writer etc. He wishes he had a speech writer to make him look good in public. He does a whole bit on having a spokesperson go home ahead of you when you come home late at 4:00 in the morning. “I’d like to welcome everybody to the 4 in the morning argument. We have lots of stuff to cover, so we will now turn the floor over to you. “Why isn’t he here himself?” “We don’t feel it’s in his best interest to divulge his location at this time.” He talks about how if he ran for president, he’d get his dirty laundry out in public right away. “Hi, my name is Ty, you will hear about my past….as a pimp. I'm sorry....*checks ear bud* …vaginal contractor."
Josh Blue’s highlights: let’s America know that their support “cripples” him. He tells Dat Phan that he’s sorry that Gabriel ate his family. After rehasing some past jokes, he welcomes his parents and talks about the morning after he told the world his mom was dead, had a tough conversation with his mom. But she said, “that’s okay sweetie I knew I wasn’t dead.” Talks about how on college campuses, kids will run up to him and say, “Hey man, I want what YOU’RE on!” And he’s like, “you want my seizure medication? That’ll be 7 dollars! Cripple’s gettin’ paid!” Annnnd he gets a standing O! Do we know how this night will turn out? I say: yes.
The Part of the Show You Could Have Easily Learned on Yahoo the next morning
Annnnd we're back to find out the big deal - who will get the exclusive NBC talent contract, the stand-up special on Bravo, and the title of Last Comic Standing for Season 4?
Josh Blue!!!!!!!!!!! <--if you can read this and be surprised, I will pay you one…..milllion…..dollars*!
*read disclaimer in section one.
Streamers, doves, and rabid weasels are released, as the other comics body slam him, and I’m left wondering, “why does this feel anticlimactic? Why?”
And yayyyy! The show is over until next summer. Let’s pray that editing staff stops drinking, so that we can too.
Finally Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! firstname.lastname@example.org