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Welcome back, true believers! When last we left our heroes, they were snug in their lair believing they were finally rid of The Iron Enforcer. Stan Lee had other plans though…oh what a tangled web he weaves! As the Iron Enforcer walked dejectedly down the alley, likely to his steroid dealers house, Stan stopped him via junked video monitor and offered him a new, more menacing role in the game. Ala Kazaam! The Iron Enforcer is now The Dark Enforcer—arch nemesis of the entire Wanna Be League.
Meanwhile, Back At The Lair…
The morning after the fourth elimination, all of the would be heroes are taking care of the mundane chores of maintaining the lair. Yeah, even superheroes have to tidy up the cave once in awhile. Monkey Woman is hanging from a bookcase dusting the shelves, Lemuria is using her new outfit’s boots to lift the toilet seat so her solar bursts can sanitize the crapper, and Feedback is practicing his kung fu moves and flinging his boots towards the ceiling to knock dust off of the ceiling fans. What? He didn’t mean to fling his boot off and clean the fan…it just happened? Oh, that’s why he went running away when it happened. Anyway, Stan soon gathers the would be winners in the living room for a special reveal. He tells the heroes that every superhero has a supervillain, and very often it is the supervillain that actually defines the superhero. Spidey has the Green Goblin, Batman has The Joker, and Supes has Lex Luthor…and now there is an even greater menace(chah! Right!) because it is challenging all of them. Slowly a dark, cloudy figure makes his way into the room, and the heroes all react with tension and preparation for battle. The dark figure’s voice is transmogrified as he tells them about himself…Maybe he’s a guy that’s been shunned….Maybe he’s a guy who everyone claims uses steroids…Maybe he’s a guy that wished for 10 more minutes of D-list fame. Yes, it’s The Dark Enforcer! He’s back to make all of their lives a living hell. Fat Momma isn’t too worried…they were able to put up with his body odor before, she’ll be able to put up with it again. Ty’Veculus is shocked, though. He knows that The Iron Enforcer doesn’t truly have it in his heart to take them all down, since he was once one of them, and there for good reasons.
I’ll Have A Hero Sandwich, Extra Cheese
Minutes after the big arch nemesis reveal, the heroes all gather in the kitchen to discuss this latest twist. For some reason, Lemuria and Fat Momma both have their neck hairs raised and are fighting about whether they will all be friends after this is all over. Maybe one of them thinks they’ll join forces with The Dark Enforcer and start up some Legion of Dumb or something like that? I don’t know, but these two have their cackles up and are both claiming that they don’t care, since they will be winning the whole immortality thing. Whatever. If Stan was watching you two hiss and growl at each other on his secret video feeds, you’re both gonna be gone sooner than later.
Soon enough, Stan gives the heroes a simple task. Each of the super wannabe’s must go one at a time to a local restaurant to pick up lunch for themselves and bring it back to the lair. Stan would then decide if what they ordered was befitting of a superhero. Feedback explains that it was nice to just do a regular, everyday task, with no cameras following them around or in the restaurant. Obviously Super Reasoning is not one of Feedbacks powers, because the whole thing was a setup, with hidden cameras everywhere, and two good looking plants serving each hero at the café. Once the heroes are all back with their meals, Stan reveals to them that, once again, this was a test. The Dark Enforcer shows Stan the hidden camera footage which shows the heroes all being flirted with by the server in the restaurant. And here I figured the challenge was going to involve a planted homeless guy asking for a donation, and a real hero would kindly offer his or her food up as a type of assistance. No, instead this challenge tested the number one rule of being a superhero…NEVER give up your secret identity. While Ty waits for his food to be ready, the server flirts with him and asks him his name. He answers with his hero name, but the girl persists, eventually breaking Ty to show him his drivers license. Geez, man, why don’t you just give her your social security number and let her steal your identity for real? Feedback is in the café next, and the girl tries hard with him, too. He introduces himself as Feedback, and when the girl presses him for more information…even asking him if he’s an actor, Feedback shyly smiles and simply tells her he can’t reveal his secret identity. Creature is next, and she doesn’t even sit down before she’s giving up her real name. And, man, does she flirt with that guy hard! Lemuria is the next to give up her secret, but not until the handsome male server tells her his name, and asks for hers. Today, Major Victory was a weiner, not a winner, since he revealed his real name as Chris to the flirty server. Fat Momma passes the test, and looks incredulously at Jimmy the server when he asks her for her real name. She is just Fat Momma, here to rid the world of bullies. Finally, Monkey Woman, AKA Mary hits the café. She tells the server her hero name and her real name as she is sitting down. Jimmy the server presses her for more info, asking her if she is an actor, and Mary tells him that indeed she is an actor, and volunteers some websites for him to help out with getting into acting. Hmmm…Speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil…but here’s some acting websites for ya!
Stan is very disappointed in all but two of his super-apprentices. He is outraged, and demands the heroes meet him in the living room for another elimination. He lectures the heroes on the importance of never revealing your true identity, and prepares them all for an elimination. Stan calls Monkey Woman front and center and chides her for being the only hero to give up her name without even being asked. But what bugs Stan the most is that she knew so much about acting websites, and telling the server that she is also an actress. That means she lied to Stan in the auditions, since she told him she was in real estate. It’s the worst thing you can do as a hero…lie to your publisher. Monkey Woman is eliminated.
Rooftop Of Terror! Or Not
The next morning, Stan gathers the heroes in the kitchen while they have their morning coffee. He promises them the most challenging task yet, and directs them all to go onto the roof. Once there, he tells them that, as heroes, they must always display courage and bravery in order to help others. Across the courtyard on another building, a woman starts to scream as a fog machine spews fake smoke into the air. The heroes will have to get to her, somehow, and save her from her peril…but how? Stan knows how…via a narrow wooden beam that is being raised by some of Stan’s workers as they speak. They all head back down to the lair while the beam is raised, and Ty assures them all that he has seen people hurt and even killed in situations like this. One at a time each hero is brought upstairs, but before they exit onto the roof, they are told about the final twist to the challenge…they must cross the beam blindfolded!!
Up on the roof, The Dark Enforcer guides each of the heroes to the beam, making sure they can find the rope and get their feet onto the beam while not being able to see. He sets them up, and then the camera pulls back for the big reveal to the audience…the beam isn’t crossing between two buildings—it’s on the rooftop, 3 inches above the ground!! Not only is the beam 3 inches off the ground, but one of the production assistants is pointing a fan at the heroes as they cross, making it seem like the crossing is windy as heck! Each of the heroes makes it across the beam to the damsel in distress, and then makes it back to the other side. Major Victory adds a little of his character to the mix when he tells the damsel “Hold onto my sexy hips!” The guy is classic! After each hero makes it back to the start with the damsel, they get to see exactly what they just accomplished…3 inches off the ground. Everyone is relieved that they were never in too much danger.
When Stan gathers the heroes in the living room, he congratulates them all on a job well done, and then apologizes for tricking them. However, he always said this wouldn’t be a test of actual superpowers, like flight.
Even though each person succeeded in the challenge, someone must be eliminated, and Stan wants the wannabes to experience what it is like to have to eliminate someone. He asks them each to stand up, one by one, and tell Stan who they think should be eliminated, and why. Creature jumps up, wanting badly to speak first. She gives an impassioned plea as to why she should be the one who goes home, since after living with these people for so many days she feels she is simply not worthy. Stan considers this, but still wants everyone to speak. Major Victory stands up and says nice things about each of his co-heroes, and says that he should be the one to leave the lair. Next up, Ty speaks. He nominates Lemuria, because he feels she lacks self-control and doesn’t know when to give up and admit she can’t do something. He feels she should have perhaps realized her limitations in the rooftop challenge and not endangered herself and others. Feedback goes next, and he also thinks he should go home, since no one else deserves it. Geez, ya think the lesson here is self sacrifice? Lemuria speaks next, and she also offers herself up as a sacrificial lamb. Fat Momma is the final hero to speak, and she tells Stan that she doesn’t want to do Stan’s job for him and name names, but she really wants to stay in the game. Stan tells her she must nominate someone, so Momma says she thinks Feedback should go up because he might hurt himself in the future since he is so hard on himself with the challenges.
Stan knows what he needs to do. He sends the heroes to the roof for the next elimination. Once on the roof and on their lit up cubes, Stan calls Ty’veculus and Fat Momma forward, and tells the effects department that they can turn off the third red cube because they won’t be needing it tonight. Indeed, the nomination challenge was to see who would sacrifice themselves to save the other heroes, and Fat Momma and Ty both failed. He tells all of the others that, although he can’t gauge their sincerity (yeah, he’s looking at you, Lemuria), they all did the right thing by sacrificing themselves. First, Stan addresses Ty, who nominated Lemuria. Stan cannot tell if Ty thinks she is a bad hero, or if he just doesn’t like her. Next, he speaks to Fat Momma. She nominated Feedback, but Stan saw it as an act of compassion, since she thought he might hurt himself. I’m not exactly sure how Ty was any different though, since he didn’t want Lemuria to hurt herself or others doing something she was afraid to do? Either way, Ty’Veculus is instructed to turn in his costume. Almost everyone else is crushed by Ty’s departure. Major Victory leaves his cube and runs over to give his friend a big hug before he leaves. Lemuria is the only remaining hero who doesn’t seem to care that Ty is leaving. She stays on her cube and smirks that she is moving on. Fat Momma is especially broken up about Ty’s departure. Stan tries to console her, telling her how hard it was for him, too.
Down in a confessional, Lemuria explains that Stan is going to have to try a lot harder to outsmart her. She obviously saw the point of the challenge, and only sacrificed herself so she could keep moving on. She could be the next supervillain, if you ask me.
To Be Continued…
Next week, the five remaining heroes face off, and a shocking elimination!
Damn you, washing machine! You ruined my tights! email@example.com