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Welcome to Flavor of Love 2. I guess it didn’t work out for Flav and Hoopz from Flavor of Love 1, so here we are again. Here’s hoping everything goes well this time around.

20 women wait anxiously outside Flav’s mansion, and all of them claim to love him, (I wonder if it’s a little like how I claim to love Owen Wilson… you know in an “I don’t know him at all, but I like his movies and think he’s really attractive” kind of way?). Before he rolls up to meet the adoring masses, we’re treated to a little recap of Flav’s career that spends way too little time on his work with Public Enemy, and far too much time with his appearance on The Surreal Life, and freaky- deaky relationship with Brigitte Nielsen. Then we get a little bit from Season 1, which is mostly Flav kissing various women, and does not contain any spitting, which as far as I’m concerned, was the number one reality TV moment last year. Poor Flav put his heart and soul into Hoopz, but she ended up just like the rest, and Flav ended up alone again, naturally.

Lookin’ for love in all the right places.
This time, Flav is getting serious! He’s looking for love, and doesn’t want any more f****n’ gold diggers! This time around, Flav picked the women himself, and wanted them there for the right reason… to prance around the mansion in as little clothing as possible.

Flav rolls up in a big, fancy car, and steps out of the car, teeth glinting in the sun. The women go absolutely crazy! Geez, you’d think he was Barry Manilow or something, the way these women are carrying on. One woman says that Flav is the snazziest dresser she’s ever seen, another states that she doesn’t trust “any of these whores,” and thinks that women are dirty, and finally we see a woman who looks like she took a little time off from the drum circle to appear on Flavor of Love. I guess she’s got all the time in the world since Phish broke up.

Flav hands out some huge flowers, kisses all the ladies, and sends them into the mansion to claim their beds. Hmmm… it may have been a wise idea to assign the beds, because within seconds, two women are fighting over a bed in the pink room. It seems that one woman claimed the bed, then stepped out to look around, and the bed was immediately stolen by another woman, who gleefully yelled “it’s mines,” over and over. The ladies start to tussle, some flowers are thrown, followed quickly by punches, and it’s soon obvious that this fight is mismatched as “It’s Mines” just starts to beat the hell out of the other woman.

Flav has to come out and break up the fight, (over a bed!), and tells the women to calm down, and he’ll speak to them individually later on. Meanwhile, the other women have been in the house for just a few minutes, but have decided that it’s high time to get good and drunk. And maybe share some of their bi-curious fantasies. And maybe live out some of their bi-curious fantasies. Basically, it’s party time.

Forgive me for beating this bitch ass, Lord.
The Beater and Beatee don’t have a chance to join in the revelry, because each one has to make her case to Flav. It looks like the Beater is trying to make amends, because she offers the Beatee some “lip chap,” but then begins praying for the Lord to “forgive me for beating this bitch ass,” and for “thinking about beatin’ her ass again.” Beatee cries, and I’m a little worried that she is way out of her league in this house.

Flav speaks to Beatee first, and she cries that she just wanted to be in the pink room, because that’s her favorite color, but Beater stole her bed! And hit her repeatedly about the shoulders and head. Flav promises her that she doesn’t need to be afraid, and it won’t happen again, and poor Beatee cries her way out of the room. Shockingly, Beater has the same story- she too just wanted to be in the pink room, but Beatee had a fit and grabbed her weave! Her $800 hair! She tried to make friends with Beatee by offering her some lip chap, but she wouldn’t take it. Damn, what a bitch!

Someone’s lying to Flav, so he does the only thing that makes sense, and goes to the tapes, where it’s obvious that Beater was doing all the beating, and Beatee was just trying to protect her face and vitals. Flav calls a Mansion Meeting, and announces that he can’t have violent people around him, and sends Beater home. Beater proves that she’s not violent and still belongs in the competition by screaming, swearing, and forcing Flav’s posse to bodily remove her.

Nicknames, (or Flav’s excuse to grope all the ladies)!
The ladies line up for the honor of a nickname and grope from Flav, and Flav lets us in on a little secret that he has to give them all nicknames because he’ll never be able to remember all of their real names. I feel ya’, Flav- that’s why all my friends and co-workers have nicknames! Flav gets right into the game with…

Toasteee- because she’s toasted!

Buckeey- because she came out buckin.’

Wire- because… well actually I’m not sure why she got that nickname, but she thinks it has something to do with her electricity. Okay, whatever.

Nibblz- sounds like Mike Tyson, and apparently likes to bite like him too.

Somethin’- because she needs something else to wear.

Hood- is from the Hood.

Eye’z- has pretty eyes, I guess.

Tiger- works with lions, and tigers and bears, oh my!

Beautuful- is beautiful.

Bootz- baby’s got back… and Flav loves it.

Like Dat- that’s how it’s gonna be- like dat!

Choclate- did not get any face time during the naming ceremony.

Spunkeey- is slightly obnoxious, and spunky too, I suppose.

Payshyntz- was very patient as Flav floundered for a nickname for her.

Krazy- sings to Flav, and he reveals that he loves Latina women. In fact, the mother of his last three children was a beautiful Latina woman.

Buckwild- Oh now Flav’s just giving up, because she’s got a belt buckle that spells out “Buckwild” in huge letters.

H-Town- is from H-Town, (is that like O-Town? I love that “Liquid Dreams” song!).

Bamma-is from… you guessed it- Alabama!

And finally.

Deelishis- who has a delicious booty that Flav would like to have a picnic on.

Whew! I’m worn out after all that naming! I’m sure Flav and the ladies are too, but everyone’s got a job to do, and it’s party time.

It’s time for Flav to get to know the ladies- Biblically.
Flav’s havin’ a party so that he can meet the women. This season though, he’s not messing around. He wants to know why the women are here, and make sure that he picks the right one. So, he’s placed a spy in the house, and none of the other women know. This spy will get to know the women on her own terms, then report back to Flav with her findings. And this spy is… Eye’z. Oh. Now I understand her nickname.

Flav begins making the rounds, and starts by asking Hood what she likes best about him. “Your humility,” she replies. Oh wait, that’s how I would have replied, but instead Hood goes into a long, drawn out explanation that ends with her revealing that she sometimes speaks in tongues. Oookaay.

Flav sits down with Like Dat, and they seem to have a really great conversation and make a connection. Of course, VH1 is kind enough to subtitle for those of us who don’t always understand Flav-speak, but I’m glad to see that one of the women at least seems kind of normal.

H-Town asks Nibblz if she will have sex with Flav. Nibblz says yes, but H-Town is from the South, and they just don’t roll that way down there. Oh, H-Town, I beg to differ. I once knew a nice young man from North Carolina who… well, this isn’t about me so I’ll stop there, but suffice to say that sometimes they do roll that way in the South. H-Town doesn’t think that Flav will pick a woman who gives it up, and again I’m afraid the poor girl is way out of her league. After some talk about what the other ladies think Flav will look for in a woman, Nibblz announces that she does not have a gag reflex, and I am announcing that I do, and am about to throw up.

Flav takes it inside, and sits down with Payshyntz who reveals that she’s never been with a brother before, and is looking forward to the experience. Wow. Buckeey then presents him with a homemade clock featuring a nearly-nakey picture of her in the middle. He gives her a kiss in thanks, and she swoons that it was so romantic, and she just wants a good man to treat her right. Well, I’m sure you’re in the right place, Buckeey.

How ‘bout a little somethin’ somethin’?
The ladies are bored waiting for Flav to talk with everyone, so of course the talk turns to lesbian fantasies. Somethin’ admits she would try bi-sexuality, but when it’s her turn for some quiet time with Flav, she describes all the things that she’d like to do to him, and probably scares him a little, (I know she scared me). Unfortunately for her, she tries to touch his face, and Flav absolutely does not like having his face touched, and shuts her down. Spunkeey must feel she’s been quiet for too long, and sits down with Flav and Somethin’ and tattles that Somethin’ said she wouldn’t mind being with a woman. She seems to think Flav will see this as a bad thing, (I’m not so sure of that), and states over and over again that Flav needs a woman who will be into him- not another woman. The women begin yelling at each other, and Flav drinks to dull the pain.

The ladies move their shrieking out into the hall, so that no one misses the show, and there’s lots of big talk, threats, and statements like “I’m Somethin,’ bitch” and then Somethin’ has a little meltdown and starts to rant about Spunkeey. I’m not really sure what she’s saying, but the editors set it to music, and then slow down the audio so that she sounds like a monster, and the whole thing is absolutely hi-larious.

Meanwhile, H-Town takes the opportunity to simper to Flav that her head still hurts from the massive beating she took earlier in the day, and Flav tells her to lie down and relax for a while before the Elimination Ceremony. He promises to look after her, and not to allow anyone else to beat her ass that night.

Finally, it’s time for the spy to weigh in on the women. Eye’z is full of insights and opinions, but unfortunately Flav is distracted and can’t really pay attention to what she is saying. He announces that he has to make some hard decisions, and I hope he’s going upstairs to watch the tapes from the party, since he obviously didn’t hear a word Eye’z said.

Before turning in, Flav drops a bomb on the women by telling them there’s been a spy in their midst all this time. Everyone’s freaked, no one knows who the spy is, and I assume that no one will be able to guess her identity before the Elimination Ceremony, because there’s the all important drinking, and girl on girl talk to be had.

Who is the snitch up in this bitch?
The ladies come together in their finery for the Elimination Ceremony, but first, Flav knows he needs to expose his spy. He calls Eye’z up to the front, and she implores the women to “keep it real,” before leaving the mansion.

Now on to the hard part. Flav is sad that he didn’t get to make out, er, connect with all of the women, but he had to make his decisions based on his gut. So, staying tonight are Buckeey, Buckwild, Krazy, Tiger, Payshyntz, Nibblz, Deelishis, Wire, Like Dat, Bootz, Toasteee, Beautuful, Somethin’ and Spunkeey. Leaving tonight are Hood, Bamma, H-Town and some other women I don’t know the nicknames of. H-Town gets a little teary, but it’s probably for the best, and I think she would have had a breakdown of some sort of she had stayed in the mansion very much longer.

I cannot believe I have to write about this.
Flav pours put some champagne, to symbolize the women who were eliminated tonight, and then pours flutes for all of the women remaining. He gives a nice toast, and tells the women it’s time to retire for the evening, but then… everyone notices a strange and vile smell, but no one knows where it came from.

Flav tells us that he noticed Somethin’ duck down during the pouring of the champagne, and then walk behind him and up the stairs during the toast. Apparently though, she didn’t just walk up the stairs- she stopped to leave a special deposit. A very special, disgusting deposit. I’m going to be delicate here, and simply say that she befouled the stairs, and it just might be the grossest thing I’ve ever seen happen on reality TV. I don’t even know what else to say about it. Sure, I understand that sometimes people have accidents, just not usually on the stairs in front of a whole group of women, Flava Flav and a camera crew! I’m sure this will make Somethin’ rethink her whole “no panties at the Elimination Ceremony” stance.

The women shriek and point at the mess, (and some of them laugh really hard), and Flav goes upstairs looking for Somethin’. He finds her in a bathroom, where she politely and firmly tells him that she couldn’t help herself, it could have happened to anyone, and she really needs to use the bathroom… now! And you know what? Flav likes that she was so straightforward about the situation. Huh. Somethin’ got points for defecating on the stairs. Who would have guessed!

Thank God that’s it for tonight, because I couldn’t take much more! Tune in next week to see the women attend charm school and etiquette classes.

I’m thanking my lucky stars that I did not respond to the open casting call for Flavor of Love 2, but you can reach me at: SueEllenMishke@fansofrealitytv .com