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Hey, people! At this very moment I’m sure the inimitable roseskid is somewhere peacefully detoxing after a season of Hasselhoff pheromone. I don’t mind telling you that I have never seen this show and am completely unqualified to recap it. Which makes me the perfect person to write about these people who are completely unqualified to appear on a talent show, don’t you think?

“The drama is about to unfold!” promises Regis as he opens the show, adding “I say America’s Got Talent!” Too bad none of it showed up tonight. Reeg introduces the judges with what I assume is his usual spiel, and by some (happy?) coincidence I learn that tonight of all nights, the night I deign to tune in, Hassle-free Hoff himself will be singing us a song. Joy of rapturous joys! But, there is an hour’s worth of airtime-wasting competition that must be got through before that miracle can take place.

Vaudeville Rules (And Product Placement Too)

Regis reminds us that the grand finale is only a few weeks away. Last night all of the acts competed to earn one of the two places left, and the judges selected Passing Zone to fill one of them. The duo skips merrily onto the stage, reprising their juggling comedy act. They yuk it up a bit and do some cool juggling tricks. To my dismay, they are not dressed in red and white striped shirts and straw hats. But, close your eyes and it’s just like the good old days at the Ziegfeld, waiting for Baby Jane to take the stage.

Next, Regis gathers all the rest of last night’s performers on the stage to learn their fates. He singles out Desperation Squad, Dave Smith The One-Man Sideshow, and The King Charles Unicycle Troupe and eliminates them with all the warmth of Simon Cowell’s family table. “It’s over,” he says, brusquely, guiding the group of losers offstage. Who knew Regis could gut a dream so easily? Not me. I guess his plethora of shiny ties had me fooled.

Oh well. That short moment of melancholy over, it’s time to lighten the mood with some Crazy Caliber Talent, sponsored by Dodge. This week’s theme is Musical Body Parts, and first up to tickle some part TV-friendly part of his anatomy is Stamen Such and Such from Bulgaria. His tongue is flipping so rapidly that I can’t make out a thing he’s saying. I thought that was his talent, and I was all prepared to be nonplussed, but no! Stamen says he’s the only man in the world who can play his teeth, and I’m willing to believe him. I certainly can’t think of another man in the world who can do it. Stamen taps out a little ditty on his dentures, and looks very pleased with himself. I’m sure his dentist is pleased too.

Next up is Skylar. He’s going to sing some balloon music. “Don’t try this at home,” he warns. Don’t worry about that, Skylar. I have better things to do with my time. Like. . .watching you try it. Sky takes a few hits off his balloon and proceeds to belt out Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” through his helium-choked vocal chords, getting a huge response from the audience.

Little Sammi Pryor is on now, and she says she has a totally new instrument. That’s all the introduction we get before Sammi begins boxing her ears to the tune of The Blue Danube. Aww. She’s really cute. I do wonder though what kind of life it takes to figure out that boxed ears can make music.

Probably one similar to that of our last act, Alicia and Alexis, a pair of young girls who share a charming duet of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” with Alicia or Alexis, I never learned which was which, burping out her phrases. This is a huge hit, because really, what red-blooded side-show watching American doesn’t enjoy a gas joke? All you prudes who disagree may take your manners and graces back to Merrie Olde England, thank you very much. (Be sure to take me with you, though.)

The audience chooses Stamen the Tooth Jammin’ Man for the win, giving him a place in the Showdown, and a chance to win a Dodge Caliber RT, which I’m assuming is some sort of Dodge. Stamen walks off, grinning toothily. I bet he’s excited about that Dodge.

This Is the Tom Green Show?

Regis then says they have something extra special planned for this week. And my snarky little heart flutters at the thought of it finally being time for the amazing performance we were promised at the top of the show. Alas, no. It’s time for more pointless padding a special guest in the form of one wacky Tom Green. Regis doesn’t quite know why he’s there, but he’s sure about to do something ca-raaazy! I figure he’s going to pull a Fonzie and jump a shark (for this show, that’d be what the kids call meta, right?) but Tom ends up skateboarding up a ramp and through a ring of fire. And it burns, burns, burns, Tom catches afire, he catches afire. Thank goodness all of that obscurity surrounding him must be flame retardant, or he might’ve really gotten hurt.

Following this adventure in attention-grabbing, we are treated to the Cirque du Soleil, performing a short number called Zumanity, featuring lots of lights, lots of hoops, and a daring young girl on a flying trapeze. Très cool. Or, I guess as cool as the Cirque du Soleil ever gets. Très lukewarm?

A Family Affair

Anyway, the filler is over for the time being, and now Regis is back to his no-nonsense demeanor. He has once again gathered all the remaining acts on the stage and is ready to reveal the two acts that received the most votes last night. He rehashes some of the judges’ wittier comments, taking care to grind in any residual insults, before announcing that Lilia Stepanova, George Kelley, Sean and John the Twin Tappers, and Michelle De Lamour are out of the running, leaving David and Dania the Quick Change Artists and The Gaither Family Band Celtic Spring as the two finalists. Regis is happy to point out that Celtic Spring snagged a majority of last night’s votes in spite of Piers’ cruel suggestion that they ditch some of the dead weight. Crying Celtic Daughter is obviously excited about the news, and Brandy gives them props for snagging a nice chunk of the pity vote. Celtic Spring collectively say they are sticking together no matter what that mean old British nobody (my words, not theirs) says. Although they aren’t averse to sticking some of the clunkers in the back. Parting advice before the final act to make the finals is revealed: Brandy tells the Quick Change Crew to get some new clothes and hair. Perhaps she is willing to donate some pieces from her awesome new line of wigs. Piers tells Celtic Spring not to balk at his advice to split up, saying “Look at the Jacksons.” Has Piers seen any of the Jacksons in the past ten years? I’m not sure they ought to be offered as the “do” example. Unless Piers really does want the little Celtic daughters and sons to end up running psychic hotlines, flashing random bits of anatomy, dressing like Captain Crunch, and cloistering themselves up in Bahrain. Maybe that is what he wants. I heard he’s really cruel.

Regis has the results and is finally willing to give them up; he announces that Celtic Spring is the last act to make it into the finale. The Quick Changers will be back to compete in the Wild Card show, along with a guy who snaps his fingers and eight other acts who I don’t think can possibly compete with that. But we shall see.

Oh, you don’t think the show’s over yet, do you? No. Earlier in the evening Regis promised us a special serenade. The time has come.

I hardly know how I can do all of this awesomeness justice. I don’t think I can. Listing the separate virtues will have to illuminate the spectacular whole: Hassle-free Hoff. KITT. Spoken-word singing. Screaming red guitars. Scantily clad Hoffettes, complete with hip-shaking, arm-swiveling moves. Stationary pelvis jerking, a la Elvis. A perfunctory two-step with a bewildered Brandy. Stilted, May-December, Hoff-to-Hoffette flirtation. And what’s best of all, a stage full of people completely committed to what they were doing, even as they are aware of the ridicule they inspire. It’s exactly that spunk that takes this performance from mock-worthy to admirable. Oh, who am I kidding. At this point even admiring The Hoff is mocking The Hoff. The man is his own punchline. Will he live this performance down? Tune in next week to find out. Oh, and to see a bunch of other acts too.

For some reason I really want to go out and buy a Dodge. You? mothersister@fansofrealitytv.c om